To feel this devestated?

[Olive94]

A little bit of background, me and my partner have been saving for our deposit for 2 years, we have also wanted a baby for all this time but we finally completed last week on our first house and we decided to start trying to concieve when we had our home as we felt this would be the best time. My 4 best friends have all had their first children in this time span and I am so longing for a baby now!!

I've been off the pill for 6 months, taking 7 seas trying to concieve vitamins and tracking my ovulation. Basically doing everything I can to prepare! My cycle and ovulation has been extremely regular.

We DTD every other day in the week leading up to and a few days past ovulation and I'm pretty confident with my timings.

I know it can take a long time to concieve, im not stupid and I fully expected it to take a few months...but
It's my dp birthday today and I've taken a test and spent the past few months imagining suprising him with it as a birthday gift and am now absolutely devastated that it's a negative... I wasnt expecting a positive but I didnt realise how crushed I would be to get a negative. (I just thought I would be like a bit sad and try the next month) but he is downstairs celebrating his birthday with all his family and I'm in bed close to tears (can I just point out he doesnt know I've taken the test and after snapping at him about something stupid I've stormed up here and not gone back down).

Am I being unreasonable to be this upset, did anyone else feel so utterly devastated after their negative tests even when it's so unlikely?

@Andysbestadventure I have nowhere, claimed to have fertility issues. That would be very insensitive of me. You've made your point quite clear thank you, but I'm not stupid enough to insult anybody by claiming to have fertility issues.

@CormacMcLaggen thank you for your supportive comments, I didnt realise how to the point some people would be with their opinions, although I appreciate that everybody has a different point of view.

I'll speak to DP over breakfast tomorrow I think as he's a little tipsy right now and more than likely didnt even realise I had left lol :)

@Davespecifico RTFT.

Full prize jellybeans for twisting and turning what someone says and coming up with something completely different.

It took DH and I nearly 10 years to conceive.

I get the crushing disappointment. I really do.

YAB (a little U) to expect to get pg after one try!

Relax, and try again.

I found a product called Ovusense - really good for checking exactly when you ovulate. Sometimes, it really isn't when you think it is!

I really think you've posted in the wrong section.
I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself as plenty of others will plough in with them but if you can, gather up your thread and have it moved to TTC

Marriage means absolutely nothing compared to the length of a relationship.

Just the legal status, protection and privileges, the security for the DC, and miles less chance of ending up a lone parent in poverty.

A minority of cohabs stay together longterm. Most don't. Like it or not, extended cohab is not the norm, particularly in a relationship with DC.

OP, you must be feeling grim. Get back downstairs and have a good evening.

Jeez guys!

I mean yes, YABU to disappear upstairs. But you obviously know that. And I bet most of us that are ttc have had months when we’ve been illogically upset, I know I have. And I bet lots of us are irrationally grumpy sometimes with PMS.

Go give your DP a hug. Talk to him about it when you can. He’ll understand. But try to let him have a really nice birthday in the mean time. Who knows, it might be his last child-Free one!

Personally I’d say it’s sensible to be married before you have kids because it means everyone knows where they stand legally. I can’t auite understand why you’re getting flack on that, you’ve said you’re engaged and getting married in a few months. You have just completed on your house. Sounds like you’re getting your ducks in a row quite sensibly.

Ttc is a real bitch, especially if it takes a long time (ttc #2, well over a year now and feeling shit about that). Do your best not to let it take over your life, it just makes it more disappointing in the months when it doesn’t happen. By all means track ovulation if it makes you feel more in control. Vitamins are certainly sensible. Mindfulness does sound like a good recommendation too. But definitely don’t let it take over your life, otherwise it’ll start affecting your relationship eventually, it just causes too much pressure.

@TabbyMumz where have I done that? Marriage doesn’t make a couple more committed.

Supersimkin2

Go on then, list them all!

Enjoy your new home, and your partner. Try not to make it all about making love to make a baby, that puts pressure on you both. It will happen in its own time. I speak from experience and many disappointments.

Ah OP you have loads of time. Sorry you are sad and it didn't go to plan, but as you know these things rarely do.

FWIW I conceived very easily and didn't start trying until I was 32. However then I had miscarriages to contend with which is a whole other ball game.

Fingers crossed for next month, and chin up. It's hard wherever you are in the process.

Jellybeans...yes it does.

You’ve absolutely got no idea.

God, no, I sure don't, nope (once was unable to face visiting my child's grave for over a year and planned on ending my life on it, my son will likely be unable to live independently and will forever be vulnerable but hey, of course, I just have no idea! ).

Whilst pregnancy is only 9 months, tying yourself to someone by having their child is far harder to undo than a quickie divorce.

Marriage has extremely important legal ramifications.

@TabbyMumz so why do you think a couple are more committed after being married?

I feel for you. Your expectations and reality havent lined up and TTC is an emotional rollercoaster. You are dealing with biological drivers, social conditioning and now the loss of a future self concept. It's also really triggering as it is totally out of your control and this might be relevant to you in the fact that previously effort equated to outcome.

Tell you DP about the test. Name that you wanted to surprise him and are feeling hugely disappointed and frustrated and then have a word with yourself about it.

You CAN'T control this process. You can create optimal conditions but the outcome is out of your control.

Try not to make conception the focus of your future sex life as it can put a huge strain on things.

Do what you can and have no expectations as to the outcome. Dependent on your age pop a date in the calendar that you'll speak to a dr (at least 8 months ahead) and then forget about stressing about it until this date.

Good luck.

TTC is one hell of a journey. It can be so, so hard. You have to try to manage your expectations and emotions especially when it's only fairly early on. It's not fair to take it out on your partner no matter how disappointed you feel. Talking would help. You're both in this together after all.

I feel for you, OP. I was absolutely you, and I'm normally a very calm, rational and matureish woman - sometimes we surprise ourselves with the strength of our reactions.

It just shows how much you want a baby, and there's nothing wrong with that. But now you've recognised how you feel, you can take steps to manage your feelings in a healthier way. Which is a great life skill. Like a PP mentioned, meditation and mindfulness are great to practice. Other things like exercise can help you feel in control of your body, as TTC feels very much out of control I think it's important to still feel positive about yourself and your body.

Go give your partner a hug and have a nice

You’re being ridiculous. Get a grip.

I've already explained that jellybeans...its not so easy to walk away. Apart from the legal ramifications, when you get married you are committing yourself to each other in front of friends and family and declaring yourself as a couple. That's harder to walk away from. When not married, you can walk away whenever you like. Anyone can get a mortgage together, friends, colleagues.

Ok. I’m usually really sympathetic with ttc and fertility. In the kindest way possible, you need to get a grip. You’re going to be in for a hell of a time if you do take a while.
It took us 4 years involving heartache, loss and medical intervention. Even then I’m aware that others have been through even worse.
Honestly, you need to ground yourself and have a reality check for your own sanity...and your poor dh.

OP stressing like this will not help.

You are upset because you created this huge unrealistic day in your head where your positive test would be the best present ever. You made up an unrealistic story and emotionally invested in it.

Its month 2. Facts are that even if you do everything right, chances of getting pregnant each month is actually very small. Its actually incredible that anyone gets pregnant by accident. Obviously they do. But even when trying to get pregnant its still not as easy as have sex a few times a certain week and your pregnant.

Tbh, if I had people round for my birthday and my partner wanted ri tall about work there an then, concentrate only on them and ignore people who were there for my birthday I wouldnt stand there abiding by that. I would talk to my guests.

And if dp snapped at me went off upstairs, while we had people there on my birthday I would chase him either.

Honestly, you need to chill. Being devastated that you havent got pregnant in ten first 8 weeks of trying, is just setting yourself up to be a wreck every month.

FWIW, it took me 18 months both times. No fertility problems at all.nits just what it took.

Surely you can all remember how gutted you felt when you got your negatives.

No because I didn’t see the point in obsessing or buying pregnancy tests and it’s a good job too. I ended up trying 3 times on Ivf. I was gutted in ways you couldn’t begin to imagine the first two times when it failed.

You really do need to get a grip on this.

Sounds like your trying to hard, try to forget about getting pregnant and enjoy trying. It will happen when you least expect it.

timshelthechoice

You’ve absolutely got no idea.

God, no, I sure don't, nope (once was unable to face visiting my child's grave for over a year and planned on ending my life on it, my son will likely be unable to live independently and will forever be vulnerable but hey, of course, I just have no idea! hmm).

^ you’ve clearly been through some extremely traumatic times, the worst. I literally cannot think of anything worse than this.

I’m just as bad saying to you that you have no idea, by you also assuming that I’ve had an easy life.
It’s hard to be empathetic towards someone for something seemingly minor and irrelevant when we’ve been through times that are traumatic.
It really doesn’t make anyone feel better though, does it?

No one truly knows what anyone has or is going through when posting on here, let’s not assume anyone is having an easy time of it.

When I was TTC I was DTD every other day, I had it in my head I would fall pregnant because of DTD so often. I didn’t fall pregnant. I gave up hoping and just enjoyed it and tried to forget we were TTC. I fell pregnant after that.