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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Staying over night

264 replies

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 12:22

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 08/10/2019 15:51

So, recap. He doesn't do anything to help in the kitchen or house generally. It's your house. You've had his mum all day Christmas day for the last five years. She's rude to you and your kids and hard work. Now he wants her to stay over as well.

And your response, several months ago, was to marry this guy? What were you thinking?

AuchAyeTheNo · 08/10/2019 15:51

These kind of posts piss me off.

OP you do NOT have to have anyone in your house at Christmas that you do not want. Don’t care if it’s MIL or the Queen!

I refuse to spend Christmas with DH’s family. They are rude, entitled and have made my life hell the last 10 years. If he wants to see them or spend time with them he can go to them, if they come to the house I go out.

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 15:54

I must admit I wondered about that too, Butterymuffin. He must have some good points. At 60, if in good health, he's not too old to learn how to do a few jobs around the house!

Howyiz · 08/10/2019 15:54

OP your mil is not coming to see her grandchildren.
I would have her over on Xmas eve as you are doing and have your relatively new husband visit her on Xmas morning and have a brunch with her. Then come back BY HIMSELF. If he wants to stay and do lunch with him let him.
Why should you invite someone to your house, and it is your house that he moved into, who is obnoxious and rude to you.
If she can't act like a grown up and behave herself why should you inflict her on you and your children.

stupidboyman · 08/10/2019 16:01

Meanie. Hope your kids leave you on your own when you are old and grey.

Howyiz · 08/10/2019 16:07

With that attitude @stupidboyman you should invite the mil. 2 peas in a pod!

Mrscmay17 · 08/10/2019 16:41

Well aren't you lucky you have your adult dc with you. Hopefully they treat you with more kindness in years to come .

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 16:48

stupidboyman, the op has told us that the woman is rude to her and her children and even her husband doesn't get on that well with her. She is compromising and that is good, mother in law will not be on her own for the entire Christmas, there's no question of that.

mankyfourthtoe · 08/10/2019 17:09

Considering she's not mean to her children I'd imagine they will look after her.
And there's nothing wrong with him looking after his mum (who he doesn't like spending time with)

pallisers · 08/10/2019 18:40

Reading this thread I'm wondering if people genuinely cannot comprehend simple english or just are so thrilled to be able to say something nasty they don't care about the facts.

People who would be heartbroken no less if their mother couldn't sleep over on xmas night (what if she doesn't actually want to), people who wish the OP to be alone in her old age despite her actually hosting her MIL for the past 5 years. Either incapable of reading or incapable of decent responses.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 08/10/2019 19:23

@pallisers

Well said. 🤔

Motoko · 08/10/2019 21:48

People, you don't have to read all the posts in the thread, but you should read all of OP's posts before replying. If you can't even be bothered to do that, then what's the point of bothering to reply?

OP it does help to put all the relevant info in your first post, because too many people only read that post before replying.

I posted before you clarified the situation with your MIL, suggesting the compromise of letting her stay over on Xmas eve, but in light of the new information, I see you are already compromising, and more than I would be willing to.

Also, I think your husband, should be doing a damn sight more than he does. Why would you want to marry a man like that?

DeathStare · 08/10/2019 21:57

There's no point any of us replaying to this is there? The story has completely changed with all the drip-feeds, and you are clear that no matter what anyone says you think you are being perfectly reasonable. So we needn't bother wasting our time.

As you were.

pallisers · 08/10/2019 23:06

The story was in the first post. They spend xmas eve with MIL and drop her home. They then spend xmas day with her in their home for dinner etc and drop her home. Is it unreasonable to not want to have her stay over?

no drip feed no changing story. Just people who seem incapable of reading a post. And by the way I don't see anywhere that the MIL wants to stay over - just the dh wants her to.

And loads of us think the OP is perfectly reasonable (I didn't realise an invitation to xmas dinner must be accompanied by an overnight visit or you are a meanie who deserves to grow old alone - who knew?).

shearwater · 09/10/2019 03:31

There was a drip feed - it wasn't until her 5th post on the thread that the OP posted "MIL has been a bitch to me since I met her and tbh been awkward and horrid." Which of course changes everything.

MoviesT · 09/10/2019 04:31

Your life OP and your home and the home of your children, the majority should get the say in what happens in their home on Christmas Day. I find it difficult to endure the “it’s Christmas” logic where you have to make yourself a doormat. Charity and consideration for others should be all year around. I think you are already being very fair particularly to someone who you suspect would spoil the day for others based on past behaviour. Your other half can also choose to spend the whole day with him mum surely...

MoodyBitch · 09/10/2019 05:11

Thank god my D.I.Ls are the opposite of you OP.

Mephisto · 09/10/2019 07:44

@stupidboyman

Meanie. Hope your kids leave you on your own when you are old and grey.

What adult says meanie? Are you 12?

Mephisto · 09/10/2019 07:46

@MoodyBitch

Thank god my D.I.Ls are the opposite of you OP

Why, do you make your DILs as miserable as OP’s MIL makes OP, moodybitch?

Motoko · 09/10/2019 08:47

With the name Moodybitch, Mephisto, it wouldn't surprise me.

OldEvilOwl · 09/10/2019 08:49

I don't think YABU actually. You are offering to have her all day. Does she even want to stay over? Do you have room for her? I think what you are doing is a fair compromise

Unknownanon · 09/10/2019 08:53

You are better off reposting this with all the information OP, you might get useful answers then just reproaches from posters who haven't RTFT.

Yanbu. Your MIL is rude to you and your children, your DP largely isn't bothered about her and doesn't like to put himself out. If you have her, I'd do it one day or the other.

Also your DP should pull his finger out his arse and stop being do lazy, he's enjoying all your efforts but doing very little bar a drive.

7yo7yo · 09/10/2019 09:03

I think you’ve made a mistake marrying your DH tbh.
Lazy fucker.
And I wouldn’t invite the MIL at all.
I would let DH go and spend the day with her as he did previously.
But I am getting to the age where I have realised I am important as are my needs.
She’s reaping the “benefits” of being horrid now.

Twisique · 09/10/2019 13:11

I would go to the cinema on Christmas Eve and have him spend the day with her at her house.

As previously asked, as you have married him is your house protected for your children?

AnybodyWantAChip · 09/10/2019 15:08

This is such an odd thread - OP has MIL for Xmas eve and most of Xmas day, but is being slagged off for being cruel to her MIL for not having her all the time.
That's nuts.
OP - I think you are being kind to include your MIL as much as you do. She's not being left by herself for either Xmas eve or Xmas day, so I don't understand why you are getting such a hard time.