MIL and Staying over night

[DreadedDIL]

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

Well you and your adult children sound delightful.

Well, if he doesn't want to drive so much tell him to book a couple of rooms for them at a local hotel & he can kill 2 birds with 1 stone - he won't have to drive & he won't feel guilty about her being alone at any point over the holidays.
Has he moved into your home & how long have you been together? Sounds like he's looking for you to assuage any guilt he's feeling which is handy for him since it won't be putting him out at all. Is she pressuring him do you think? Could be a very slippery slope if so. Think the whole Christmas & New Year period, then Easter, then her/his birthdays, till it gets to the point where she just never leaves. Just saying, lol.
You've struck a good balance already so I'd say stick with that.

Oh let her stay! It'll be much easier all round.

You sound very unkind. And your kids sound horrible. Poor OH and poor MiL.

Stay at a local hotel?? At CHRISTMAS??

That sounds fun

Fancy having to put up with elderly relatives at Christmas, eh?!

@QueenofmyPrinces
That's because you haven't read it. MIL currently spends all of Xmas day there

YANBU. You could offer to trade, as in you host his DM and he cooks Christmas dinner?

Waiting for the drip feed...

I think the amount of time you are spending with her is sufficient, but I feel sorry for your DH that he has to do these 80min round trips twice on Christmas day. That means he can't enjoy a drink until late in the evening. The comment about your adult children not wanting her around just because she's not their bio GM is awful. She's still your husband's mother, she's elderly and probably gets lonely. I'd let her stay over on Christmas night and get help with the cooking/clearing up. No reason you should be doing it all and adult kids should be pulling their weight.

I am a bit confused 😬
So your son has a MIL that is coming over for Christmas Eve and then she goes home to sleep and then back all day 10-6 pm for Christmas Day?
And why do people think this is unreasonable???
Most people like to sleep in their own bed and it is perfectly reasonable!

Bin off Xmas eve, DH picks her up Xmas day morning and MIL stays 1-2 nights to save DH two return journeys in one day. I know where you’re coming from, MIL used to settle in with us for up to ten days, just too much. I finally grew a pair and said come Xmas eve until day after Boxing Day, much better.

So if I have this right

The OH is 60 so the a Mil is likely 80ish.

And you want to send her home, your DH driving 2 x 1hr 20 min journeys, rather than have a old lady stay over for Xmas.

Not very nice.

Well all I can say is let’s hope your kids partners don’t treat you the same way hey?

Put yourself in her shoes, Christmas is about family, she is his family, but you are happy for her to be on her own in the evenings, that’s not nice is it! How would you feel if your kids all left you to it?

You are also being horrible in expecting your partner go and collect her, thus not being able to enjoy a drink, and you are not explaining family dynamics to your kids either, who, from what you have written will turn out to be just as selfish as you

I think it's a bit pointless taking her home on Xmas eve, if she's going to be coming back the next morning, so I'd say she should stay that night. Then your partner can run her home in the evening of Xmas day.

Compromise is key here.

She doesn't spend all of Xmas day there at all. The DH leaves at 10 to get her. Its a 40 mi ute drive then he spends some time with her before driving 40 mins back. So she wont be getting ther til at least 12 she is then taken home at 6. That is not the whole day. Whereas the OPs adukt children are there all day and dont want the MIL there at all.

We had my MIL stay one Christmas. 4 days. Never again. She made it all about her and it put bit of a cloud over Christmas because none of us could relax (I'm meaning all of us, me, DH & the DC). She's just hard work. Our DC are under 10 and we want them to enjoy Christmas, not be constantly treading on egg shells.

Unless she is actively unpleasant, why can’t she stay? It’s Xmas, she’ll be on her own.

No wonder you partner feels guilty. In his shoes, I’d spend Xmas with the old lady.

I think you need to find some Christmas spirit.

Your DH is presumably fine having your adult children staying throughout the Christmas period (it doesn't sound like they're his children?). I think you need to extend the same welcome to his immediate family.

I think she should be able to stay -

If your partner is 60 then your mil must be very elderly. Look, she's not going to be around forever, have some compassion for crying out loud. It's one day of the year. Your partner is not the biological father of your adult children, yet they seem to be able to cope with that. And as adults, you all should be over the whole "magic of Xmas/family time" insistence

I think OP’s user name says it all!

It's seems a bit daft having her over on Xmas eve and Xmas day without her staying. Would your Dh not visit her on Xmas eve and maybe stay with her and then bring her to yours on Xmas morning? It's not as if you have santa to sort out so you and your kids could have a nice Xmas eve together and then you all spend Xmas day together.

@WatchItGrotchet

Irrelevant, 4 days is not the same as 1 night and secondly, your children were actual children, not adults