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Original poster

MIL and Staying over night

264 replies

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 12:22

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 08/10/2019 13:52

Then it’s fine - if it’s just your OH doesn’t want to do so much driving he can either

Stay over at his mum’s on Christmas Eve and drive back Christmas morning

Or

Not take her out Christmas Eve at all

HumphreyCobblers · 08/10/2019 13:53

Given your updates this seems fine.

You are hosting MIL on Christmas eve and for lunch on Christmas day. This is for longer than your DH ever managed to spend time with her when he wasn't married to you.

HJWT · 08/10/2019 13:58

Op you are being more than reasonable... my MIL wouldn't even get through the door 😁 @DreadedDIL

bpirockin · 08/10/2019 13:59

It sounds to me as if you have struck a balance, and TBH if your MIL is as rude as she sounds then she is fortunate that you invite her at all. Elderly / mother of partner / alone or not, why does that give her the right to put a dampener on other people's Christmas?

I understand what people are saying about the driving and relaxing time, but if the person is such hard work, it just doesn't work out like that. The partner was happy to do the minimum before, so why is it that the DIL is now responsible for the happiness of a woman who makes no effort with her?

I presume she has been told that you feel she is rude etc, and not made any effort to change. On that basis, and having my own relative that everyone eventually tired of tip-toeing around, I do not think you're being unreasonable at all. Your home is a sanctuary, and who wants to get up in the morning and not feel free to have some time just to 'be'? It sounds like she probably enjoys being alone anyway, otherwise she'd make more of an effort around you and your family.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:03

If He wants to go and stay there he can. But he doesnt. He just, I think wants all his obligations pushed over to me. And yes he accepts he is selfish. But look at who brought him up! He is learning, and with me much better. But sometimes I feel quilty for saying no. But here I think I am being fair to all concerned including myself!

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 08/10/2019 14:06

So you can't have one more person in your house and she should be alone?

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:06

Thanks everyone: sorry for not saying full facts.
I am going to stick to my guns. Hubby has told her he doesn’t enjoy seeing her because of her attitude but it hasn’t changed anything. So we all have to sit at Xmas dinner table and make the
Most of it. My children will be as polite as they can be. But I don’t see they should ha e to put up with it for morning and night! Everyone needs something! So thanks that’s why I am doing:

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 08/10/2019 14:07

OP, stick to your guns. I think you're right: this is more about OH not wanting to drive her back home. Tell him if he's not happy with the current situation - if you are willing to go along with things as they are - then maybe he should spend the day with her, and come back to you on Boxing Day, or stay with her Christmas Eve and come to you Christmas Day afternoon. And he can plan, prepare, cook, wash up … etc for his DM!

Durgasarrow · 08/10/2019 14:07

You are not a nice person. He is her only son, and you want her to be alone on Christmas.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:08

Durgas.
You have given your opinion and no I don’t accept what your saying. You have ignored the circumstances. You have the right to your opinion and so do I.
As she is rude and will make everyone else miserable then no. She is not alone for the whole time and you make out she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:09

Durgas,

You are just not a nice person yourself

OP posts:
LaLaLaLaLaLaL · 08/10/2019 14:12

I think it’s a little mean tbh. Would you be okay with it if it was your mum & DH refused to let her stay? I’d be furious if my DH refused to let my mum stay over a time like Xmas. Xmas is all about family time. His DM would love to spend time with people around her

pallisers · 08/10/2019 14:12

What on earth is all this "alone at christmas" stuff. The woman spends xmas eve and xmas day with her son and his family. The OP wasn't exactly clear but that was perfectly understandable. the only issue is whether she sleeps in the house on xmas eve and xmas night.

I don't see what is wrong with the arrangements. You see her xmas eve and then she spends xmas day with you and has dinner and then goes home to her own house. Leaving you and your children to have a bit of time yourselves in the evening.

This is about your dh not wanting to drive.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2019 14:14

Sorry if I've missed it, but are you actually married to this man? You refer to OH and 'moved in' so I'm not sure.

If she's like you say and depending on the level of rudeness I'd either tell him I was not hosting her at all because of her past behavior and that he was free to do as he wished re Xmas visit at hers or if I wanted to be generous I'd offer ONE night. She could come Xmas Eve at 4 and be taken home Xmas Day in the late afternoon. Or she could come Xmas Day in the late morning and be taken home Boxing Day after an early luncheon.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 08/10/2019 14:14

From your opening post I thought you were very hard hearted, but following your further drip feeds it seems that you are in fact offering a very reasonable compromise and as your OH doesn't drink and does bugger all to help with the Christmas preparations, I agree with you that making a couple of return trips in the comfort of his own car is not unreasonable.

I also wonder whether the DM likes this arrangement rather than staying overnight, she probably prefers being in her own bed and bathroom.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/10/2019 14:16

OP I think your way is right. Your OH wasn't mithered before he moved in with you.

Do stop being everyone's skivvy at home though.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 14:16

Maybe he realises as she is getting older and more frail, that each Christmas could be her last, and he wants to make it special and spend time with her.

TBH OP, unless she is a really evil old witch, I think you are being pretty nasty about this. It's his MOTHER. One day your own kids may be having the same argument with their DPs about you.

How would you feel about that?

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:17

Married. Only August! And yes for some reason people keep saying, it’s not ok for her to be alone. On the whole I accept that. So she is spending most of both Xmas eve and Xmas day with us. This is about me and my kids and us as a couple getting some respite from her. And me not wanting her overnight

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:18

Ha ha; I don’t think this is getting any where is it. Some people think it is mean; majority don’t. I am cool with that: each to their own. If he wants to make it special he can stay at hers.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 14:19

Oh

I should have RTFT.

She IS an evil old witch.

As you were.

Drum2018 · 08/10/2019 14:19

@LaLaLaLaLaLaL read the thread - he doesn't even like spending time with his mother, let alone op and her kids.

JellyBook · 08/10/2019 14:20

If your relationship with your OH is fairly late in life, can’t their be a compromise here?

Eg. One year you have MIL for Xmas eve & Day, and then alternate years he goes there to be with her/ take her out and you and your kids can enjoy a stress free MIL free Xmas?

It does seem a bit much for him to be doing all that driving over Xmas.

thecatsthecats · 08/10/2019 14:24

To be honest, I think you're tacking the problem from the wrong end.

I think it would be less disruptive to have her in your house and be robustly merry with her there than to go to all this palaver ferrying her backwards and forwards.

My mum isn't the best socialiser in the world and can be rude, but when she's thoroughly outnumbered by my dad, me, my sister, our husbands and nephew then it doesn't matter a bit how she acts, because everyone's having too much fun to let her spoil it.

It seems to me that these arrangements maximise the fuss and create an 'us and them' situation.

I'd be inviting her to arrive late Christmas Eve, moving Christmas Dinner slightly earlier in the day, and have your husband take her home after that. And all the time she's there, don't censor yourself at all, and have each other's backs if she's rude to you.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 14:24

Poor old hubby doing a bit of driving! It’s the only job he has! I’d love that to be my only job! He doesn’t even drink.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 08/10/2019 14:25

OP appreciate your subsequent updates. I would probably compromise with one overnight. I don't think that's unreasonable for your DH to ask.

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