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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Staying over night

264 replies

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 12:22

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

OP posts:
Mephisto · 08/10/2019 14:57

@IamWaggingBrenda

What? You have a son who is an only child. 60

Omg it was a typo! Have you never made one?

FetchezLaVache · 08/10/2019 14:58

In view of the updates, I too have changed my mind! I think it's a reasonable compromise. Actually, I think I would scrap seeing her on Christmas Eve - let your DH make plans for just him and her if it bothers him that much.

StroppyWoman · 08/10/2019 14:58

YABU to post such a massive drip feed!

Include the relevant information in your first post - and if you don’t, don’t get snarky when people respond a way you don’t like because you’ve withheld the details.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/10/2019 14:58

So many people are happy to post (quite aggressively) without bothering to read a thread through.

Maybe the OP should have put the fact that MIL was an awful person in the OP though, instead of the drip feed, a cynical person might think it was a convenient drip feed after people started posting she was BU.......

It's pretty relevant OP information and whether or not she's BU, wouldn't you think?

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2019 14:59

My my.

He doesn't want to cook.

He doesn't want to wash up.

He doesn't want to take trouble with her when it's only him having to do it (when it's you, it's fine, it's practically your duty!)

And now... he doesn't want to drive.

What a prince he is!

'If you don't want to drive DH, there is always the option of staying over with MIL. Or you could look at it as your only contribution to the Xmas arrangments - when you drive her back, remember that me and the kids will mainly be doing the washing up :) '

CapturedFairy · 08/10/2019 15:00

As I suspected, massive drip feed

Op said she has never posted on here before, and this is AIBU so the most brutal place to post as a first timer. Maybe she is unaware of how horrific people are treated on this board.

Dreaded sounds like a fine compromise to me. Has he given you a reason as to why all of a sudden he wants her to stay over? Is it that the 2 extra car journeys alone with her are full of awkward silence or her just slagging you off? Whatever, keep it as planned.

Lots of us have to drive on Christmas day to get to family, we have done it for the past 22 years and the motorway has a lot of cars on for Christmas day.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 15:00

Thanks for all those reasonable and honest opinions which weren’t rude. Respect them even if I don’t agree. Those that were just nasty then tbh one thing this site has taught me is that I don’t have to just sit there and take that. They don’t know me.
I can be just as rude. And I also know from this at the end of day. I can have strength to go with what I think Is fair for everyone, not just one person.
And my opinion is prob the only one that matters. Thanks all, Will joe log off.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 15:01

And I can get as snarky as I like thanks. Clearly some of you do!

OP posts:
LaLaLaLaLaLaL · 08/10/2019 15:06

@Drum2018 I’m confused then why he’d want her staying at their home if he doesn’t like spending time with her. I would be gutted if my DH would rather my mum spent time on her own at Xmas then there was another option. If she’s not nice to be around Op, YANBU

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 15:07

Maybe people should stop being so bloody judgemental instead of bleating about drip feeding all the time?

I was one of the first to post and instead of calling the OP evil and wicked I asked her if all the work would would fall on her, and guess what, I was right. There’s always more to a story, but people are quick to get in with nasty comments.

BiddyPop · 08/10/2019 15:08

Stick to your guns - you are being generous hosting MIL on Christmas Day, and facilitating Christmas Eve. But you also have an obligation to your adult DC (who you have known a lot longer than MIL) to keep THEIR home a nice place for them, and not totally invaded by someone who is rude and nasty to them.

New DH doesn't get to totally disrupt your other family obligations and needs, as their new DSF (darling step father) to take account of their needs and wishes in their home that they have always lived in. The DSC are welcoming DSGM into their space on the day, but should also have the opportunity to relax and enjoy family time with their own DM in peace in their own home that DSF has come into as a new member of that family. (If you can follow all that).

From what you have written, you have made the effort over 5 years to be welcoming, but if MIL is still not willing to be nice and engage with you as the choice of her DS as a mate, then you are under no obligation to go beyond the social norms of being polite.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/10/2019 15:10

Maybe people should stop being so bloody judgemental

Yes stop being judgemental in AIBU where the OP is literally asking people to judge........... Hmm

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/10/2019 15:18

YANBU. It’s telling that he only wants her to say now he has you to do all the work and act as a foil. He gets to feel like he’s being a better son by making you take the load. Tell him to spend more time with her himself if he actually feels she needs more company and stop putting the work of entertaining and looking after his mother on to you.

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 15:24

Well I'm sorry I misunderstood, I didn't realise she had been rude to you and your children in the past and that puts a different complexion on the matter.

You've reached a good compromise and I hope you all enjoy Christmas.

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 15:27

@AryaStarkWolf well at least judge after you’ve got all the facts!

Was it really only obvious to me that there was more to the story?!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2019 15:28

Only since August? And he never suggested this in previous years? You're right, he definitely is wanting you to do the 'wifework' of entertaining his mother. Probably whilst he interacts with her as little as possible whilst she's there. I don't suppose there's any chance he'd tell her to straighten up and fly right, is there? No, I didn't think so.

Actually, the 'alternate years' suggestion by a PP isn't half bad.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 08/10/2019 15:30

Why have you posted on here when you are so adamant your position is correct? If you're as abrasive as this in real life there might be s reason you don't get on with your MIL.
Surely the compromise is that she stays Christmas Eve, as you'll all be out together until late anyway. Then maybe drop her home at 4/5 Christmas Day. I hope your children don't ever do this to you, when they move out.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/10/2019 15:32

@Mephisto I don't fancy reading 8 pages worth everytime tbh and I would have thought, the fact the MIL isn't very nice and DH does fuck all to help is massively relevant to the original AIBU question.

NearLifeExperience · 08/10/2019 15:34

1) She might not be that old
2) She might be a really horrible woman

  1. She has a 60 year old son. She is OLD
  2. There is no mention of this at all as a factor, just OPs desire to have her little time.
Brefugee · 08/10/2019 15:35

@DreadedDIL having seen the updates i think you're being overgenerous. Can't he go to her on Christmas Eve then you and your kids have the house free (how do your kids get on with him?) and then she can come over on Christmas Day (can you cut the time down a bit so it pretty much only covers the meal?)

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare, tbh, I'd be inclined in your position to tell her to get to fuck and take care of herself!

mankyfourthtoe · 08/10/2019 15:38

If he doesn't think she should be alone, he should drop her home Xmas eve and stay! You'll see him Boxing Day when he comes home.
It's your home and if she's not pleasant to you then why should you accommodate her.
It is Xmas but equally it's Xmas for her too and she should appreciate all that you do and be nice.

NoSauce · 08/10/2019 15:38

I’d bet my house it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other with OP and MIL.

NearLifeExperience · 08/10/2019 15:40

Apologies, somehow missed half the thread before posting Blush

aweedropofsancerre · 08/10/2019 15:44

God your DH sounds like a nightmare never mind his mum. I would tell him he can go and stay the night at hers and spend xmas day and you will see him later.

Paintedmaypole · 08/10/2019 15:46

There is a real possibility that she wouldn't actually want to stay and would like to go home at 6pm and relax in front of her own TV. It is easier for her son to drive rather than sit in a tense atmosphere. I think your compromise is fine if you are pleasant and welcoming during the timd she is with you.