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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Staying over night

264 replies

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 12:22

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

OP posts:
Helpmelmaooo · 09/10/2019 17:59

Although yes it would be lovely if we could all have compassion and let the elderly stay at Christmas, I do understand where OP is coming from. My grandmother in law comes from Spain and stays 5-7 months at a time at her daughters house and at least 5 times during this period she will want to stay at ours for a week, we have no space for her, she has no boundaries in terms of raising through my personal belongings, won’t let any of us have the tv remote just things like that. She is also rude and will watch me cooking a big dinner while buttering and eating slice after slice of bread until she’s eaten a whole loaf then decide she’s not hungry enough to eat the meal I’ve done. She also terrorises my toddler and tries to wean my 2 month old with tea and biscuits. So no, I don’t think her coming on Christmas Eve, going home to sleep, coming on Christmas Day then going home again is being unreasonable.

Jaxhog · 09/10/2019 18:01

I'm with you OP. Having read all the thread (which some clearly haven't), what you do now seems like a good compromise. The only other option that I could think of was your MiL staying over Christmas eve and going home straight after lunch on Christmas day. That would reduce the car journey for your DH and still limit the time she's there. Maybe try it once to see if it's better?

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2019 18:02

I am always suspicious about posts that add all sorts of relevant information, in an update. It always strikes me as someone who wants to change the facts to get more support.
If your DP has been living you for two years it is home too and he should be able to invite his DM over for christmas.
Also why are you doing all the cooking, you have three adult kids, what will they be doing.
Sorry I think most peoples first impression was correct you sound horrid, but sadly for you so do your kids and I fully expect that you will get the same treatment you are dishing out in a few years

SugarNyx · 09/10/2019 18:09

I think you’re being really mean and feel very sorry for your elderly MIL

Rtruth · 09/10/2019 18:21

Confused by original post. Assuming MIL is in her 100’s by age of your son

gill1960 · 09/10/2019 18:39

You are right
He's wrong

Tiresiasmum · 09/10/2019 18:44

Christmas is stressful for most people. Personally I dread the build up to Xmas arrangements each year. Perhaps you need to vary the routine a bit? This year, don't see her xmas eve but have her over to yours for xmas day/ evening? Then the following year, all go out to a restaurant near hers on Xmas Day and do something with your kids at home on Xmas eve. It doesn't have to be the whole of Xmas from eve to Boxing Day, but it sounds like the routine's not helping anyone at the moment.

Tiresiasmum · 09/10/2019 18:46

And yes, get your kids helping.

LightJewel · 09/10/2019 19:14

So sad that u would not involve her with ur grown up kids .... she only has one child ... soo sad ...

VK456 · 09/10/2019 19:15

How would you feel if you were in her position? I think it’s pretty miserable of you and your children, actually. It’s only once a year and she is your husband’s mother.

Aridane · 09/10/2019 19:27

I know where you’re coming from, MIL used to settle in with us for up to ten days, just too much. I finally grew a pair and said come Xmas eve until day after Boxing Day, much better

Except OP's MIL would be doing precisely what your compromise is, not staying for 10 days!!

Motoko · 09/10/2019 19:31

Oh yeah, it's sooo sad that a woman who is nasty to OP and her kids, isn't wanted at xmas. A woman whose own son doesn't even like seeing her. But now that he has a wife, he can offload his responsibilities to his mother, on his wife.

And why aren't those of you telling OP to get her kids to do the cooking, suggesting that her husband does the cooking?

It's not OP who is in the wrong here, it's her MIL and H, and the pps who are being nasty to OP.

Aridane · 09/10/2019 19:35

There's no point any of us replaying to this is there? The story has completely changed with all the drip-feeds, and you are clear that no matter what anyone says you think you are being perfectly reasonable. So we needn't bother wasting our time

I agree!

Raybay · 09/10/2019 19:36

Having rtft, I think you are offering quite enough and it's only your husband asking for her to stay over to save him driving.
Perhaps he could pre book taxis for her, yes it will be expensive but it would save him all or some of the driving.

Elsie1966 · 09/10/2019 20:17

Bah humbug op I think yabvu
1 you're begrudging you're elderly mil company over Xmas and
2 if your dh is driving to and from as you want him to then you don't get to spend much time together either.
As for your dc I bet they don't contribute to helping out on the big day yet they feel they have a right to voice their opinions! HmmHmm

FelicisNox · 09/10/2019 20:44

Based on your 2nd post I agree your current arrangement is suitable and it may teach her to behave herself in future.

If not, wait until Christmas is over and then explain politely why she will not be coming over in the future.

Being older does not give you carte blanch to treat other people like garbage and elderly or not, it's your house and your rules.

Clearly she is the MIL from hell who has mollycoddled her only son and has monopolized the majority of his life and doesn't want to relinquish him: that is a problem for you DP to resolve but it doesn't mean you tolerate her just because it's Christmas.

Also, your kids might be older but they still live with you therefore it is their home so they still take precedence over that mean old witch.

Stick to your guns and ignore the nasties.... they love nothing more than a bit of pointless virtue signalling to make their sad little egos feel better.

gill1960 · 09/10/2019 21:39

I don't invite bitchy people to my home just because they are lonely.

Put yourself first and enjoy peace and quiet in your home.

If your oh likes his mum he should stay with her to celebrate his birthday.

Commonwasher · 09/10/2019 21:45

Your arrangements sound fine. She has some company and hospitality, you have some space. I think a flat ‘no’ to H is in order. Christmas is the season for joy and goodwill - it is not the season for martyrdom.

BrusselSprouts12345 · 09/10/2019 22:12

I’m a bit late to the party so you already realise that your first post should have been worded better (forget the typo though - whoever keeps mentioning the “60” thing had better make sure they have never done a typo before in their lives! I realised exactly what she meant after just reading on a few more sentences... #facepalm!).
Anyway, I think you are being very generous already. I hate Xmas because of my family and awful tearful xmasses growing up whilst putting on fake smiles. But I want to love Xmas now that I have children and am pregnant again. I just want it to be me and the kids and OH this year (and every year) but I’m not sure how to make that happen, especially as they live next door!
Stuck to your guns with your DH.
(I don’t think u have married a prince, by the way... sounds like a twat that you would be better without! Sorry!)

hilaryguineapig · 09/10/2019 22:13

I get on ok with my ILs and your suggestion sounds very reasonable.With your update I'd actually limit it even further. Your oh can take his DM for lunch or dinner on Christmas Eve and then stay over. I think a few hours for Christmas lunch and nothing else is a massive comprise.

Barney60 · 09/10/2019 22:15

I go to my daughters every Christmas day and stay overnight id be gutted if it changed. Christmas is for family.
I think your very mean spirited and your grown up kids should have more respect, whether their grandma or not, its your partners mum, would she be alone if not at yours? is one night going to kill you in the bigger picture?
you should take this time to spoil her, she wont be around for ever!
How sad that parents are treated like this!

pallisers · 09/10/2019 22:20

I go to my daughters every Christmas day and stay overnight id be gutted if it changed.

I'm sure you would. But the MIL in the op DOESN"T stay overnight and never has. She goes for xmas day (and spends xmas exe) with them too. And yet it is "sad" that she is treated like this. There are people up and down the country who'd be delighted at spending xmas day with family and even more delighted to spend xmas eve with them too - and yet the op is the worst in the world because she doesn't have the exact same arrangements as Barney60's family.

This thread is truly weird. Do people really think the op is that bad for spending xmas eve and xmas day with her mil of 5 years? Do they really think that an overnight is some kind of minimum requirement to be a decent human being? Do they really not realise this isn't something the MIL has asked for but the dh?

PeachesPlumsPears · 09/10/2019 22:55

I cant understand why everyone suggesting that MIL staying overnight isn't more work for OP? Don't you all strip the bed and wash the bed sheets when your guest leave even if they only slept on it for 1 night? Plus the atmosphere is horrible if you have a rude guest - you can't relax. OP you have been very generous and gracious. I would have only agreed to one day only.

colourlessgreenidea · 09/10/2019 22:58

This thread takes drip-feeding to a whole new level! Grin

Happymum12345 · 09/10/2019 23:08

I don’t think you need to invite her to stay. She’s only 40 minutes away! Most older people I know prefer to be at home in their own beds at the end of the day anyway.
If she was pleading with you to stay, then yes, have her stay. If it’s just for your dh to drink, then no.

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