MIL and Staying over night

[DreadedDIL]

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

I think you're doing the right thing, tbh. If she's rude she's lucky you host her at all. Your kids are the priority, not her.

Ha ha he hates seeing his mother and doesn’t get on. He rarely sees her as she is so awkward and I am the one usually saying you need to see your mother! And the one trying to arrange events. But at Xmas I want something for me, my kids and us as a couple and indeed her! Was trying to compromise for all of us!

Blimey.

How would having her in the house overnight on Christmas Eve ruin Christmas?

Surely she'll be asleep for most of the time?

ha he hates seeing his mother and doesn’t get on. He rarely sees her as she is so awkward and I am the one usually saying you need to see your mother

Might have been helpful to put that in your first post.

Why don't your kids want her there? is there a massive drip feed about how she's actually a terrible human being?

Oh scrolls down there it is, she's rude. Well it's not BU to not want to spend time with someone rude, but it's equally not BU for your husband to want his elderly mother not to be on her own for so long at Christmas, especially if they might not have many left together.

I don’t get why most of you are talking to the OP like this.
There is a thing call compromise that works wonders for family.
There is also the right to say and decide who you invite over.

So the man would only ever spend a few hours with his mum until he moved in and now OP has to host and cater for her overnight as well.

Maybe she wants also some quality time alone with her own children.

She is a mum too. Compromise, MIL gets a whole eve and Christmas Day 10-6 is PLENTY.

I think some people feel forced to host family and come here and dislike it when someone sets boundaries.

Good for you OP, you have made a reasonable offer, if they don’t like that then maybe he can go to hers for Christmas

So basically everyone has to have their Xmas period ruined. So one person can just get what they would like.

Nope!

If you'd started this thread off describing how your MIL is a bitch to you, nobody would be saying that you are obliged to host her all over Xmas making your children feel uncomfortable in their own home when she isn't even related to them and has only been in their life a couple of years. Nobody.

I would strongly suggest that you tell your H that he's the one with obligations to his mother, not you, that your kids come first when it's a case of Xmas in their own home, and none of the people in your family want her spending Xmas with them because she is rude and unpleasant.

All of that is just fine as long as you don't then say that HE can't visit. He can, he probably should.

And given the selfish and lazy attitude that's starting to emerge, I'd seriously consider telling him your plan is to wave him off for the festive season full stop.

And the “poor elderly woman” talk is annoying me.
Just because someone is old that doesn’t make them good people

Families can be shit. Christmas with family can be even worse.

This^^

I absolutely agree with you OP. The thought of that long with my own DM would have driven me to drink. Just because someone is old, it doesn't make them a nice person and it sounds like you are willing to do some obligatory duty. Just say no to lazy dh who doesn't want to drive. Is a taxi an option for returning her home? Otherwise I'd go with FizzyGreenWater's suggestion of packing him off to MIL's.

Apologies if I've missed it but, would your MIL actually want to stay over?
If she's used to living alone, she may be glad of a bit of respite from the socialising after Xmas eve out and family Xmas dinner.
It used to drive my lovely, ancient DFIL mad ,fending off invitations from all and sundry to come and spend Xmas with them.
Not all old folk are lonely and some people project far too much regarding Xmas.

Perhaps if the OP had actually given more of a story to start with instead of adding in bits of information piecemeal... Classic MN waste-of-time thread.

ok well I think I am being fair to everyone: my kids have to put up with her but they do get some space in morning and after 6. I get some space at those times too. And his mum isn’t left on her own very much.
OH doesn’t help much in kitchen at all. He won’t do shopping cooking or anything. So to me his only job is picking and dropping her back. I would take that over xmas day prep and dinner anyway

Ha ha he hates seeing his mother and doesn’t get on. He rarely sees her as she is so awkward and I am the one usually saying you need to see your mother! And the one trying to arrange events. But at Xmas I want something for me, my kids and us as a couple and indeed her! Was trying to compromise for all of us!

Don't compromise.

You won't be thanked for it with people like this.

Sounds a bit like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Tell him you'll be letting YOUR kids lead on Xmas and it won't include tiptoeing around a nasty visitor.

I get this completely. I don't really get on with my MIL and my husband isn't himself when she is around either, so it all feels quite strained. I don't relax at all when she is at our house. I understand how you feel.

Yabu, she’s going to be on her own, would you like to spend Xmas on your own OP

Well since the drip feed, I agree that you shouldn't go out of your way to host her at all. As I suggested earlier, I'd tell Dh he can go to her house Xmas eve, stay there and bring her over for dinner on Xmas day, then bring her back that evening. He can stay with her then too if he's that bothered about her being on her own. And as for you doing all the work - you delegate to your Dh and adult children. Don't be a skivvy for them all.

OH doesn’t help much in kitchen at all. He won’t do shopping cooking or anything.

I've never been less surprised to hear a sentence in my life!

OH, not DH?

OP are you sure you can be bothered with him and his nasty mother?

Sorry never posted on here and didn’t want to go on and on.

She has been rude to me and my children.

OK, so that was key info & would have changed the replies significantly!

Does your MIL want to stay over? Or is it just your DP who thinks it’s a good idea?

And the “poor elderly woman” talk is annoying me
Just because someone is old that doesn’t make them good people

True. But the OP didn't say her MIL was rude, a bitch etc in her first post. Think that might have changed things significantly!

Well that's a different slant on it OP.

Regardless would it kill you to have her over one night over Xmas. Apart from anything else to save the faff and disruption of all the driving.

In the spirit of Xmas and for the greater good and all that.

Don’t know if MIL would want to. Think more OH wanting it to stop the driving: just don’t want to take the chance to offer it as I would just be completely miserable. All day knowing someone is going home I can cope with!

The last time my MIL spoke to me (6mths ago) she was vile - and to my DS (8), too. We don't see her at Christmas, even though she lives a short walk away, because she's far too busy with her favourite DC, and extended family, and church. So if one day she was suddenly all alone at Christmas, and wanted to stay … no way. There's being a decent person, and being taken for a mug. You don't get to make no effort with people - in fact, actively treat them badly - then expect them to forget about your bad behaviour and look after you over Christmas.

And if I am honest yes it would kill me. Sorry it would. I think what I am offering is enough: and tbh form what you have mostly said, it is.