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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Staying over night

264 replies

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 12:22

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

OP posts:
Alwayssaythewrongthing · 08/10/2019 13:24

YABU
I’d let her stay at least Christmas night. How would you feel If/when you are a MIL and your kids partners stop you from staying when your kids want you there?

Brefugee · 08/10/2019 13:24

maybe your OH should go over on Christmas eve and come back on Boxing day morning?
Or sack off Christmas Eve and have her over on Christmas day, stay over and go back Boxing day?

Christmas alone is horrible.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:25

Ok. Sorry didn’t make this clear.
3 children are mine. None living here on his side. And they don’t make an effort to visit him.
This is my house and that of the adult children. Their house for 20 years. Him only living here a couple of years.

MIL not on own for whole day is she. She will be out with us xmas eve till late and then most of Xmas day, with us 10 till 6.
She has been rude to me and my children. So they are not keen and after all they don’t know her.

I have to consider everyone one Xmas day, surely. No just MIL.
I will be sorting and cooking for everyone and only think H will do is driving. He doesn’t drink either.

Tbh didn’t expect such rudeness. Appreciate all views that’s why I asked. But not nastiness.

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 13:26

I'm with you OP on this. You see her on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so it isn't as if she is abandoned. Lots of people complain about the stresses of Christmas and it sounds to me as if you have the balance just right.

I don't see driving to collect her from her home 40 minutes away and dropping her off at 6 p.m. as a big deal at all. DH can then sit with you and have a drink if he wants to.

Just because the lady is 80/ in her 80s doesn't mean she can't be left at home for part of Christmas day. My DM (only 10-15 mins away) would probably much prefer to sleep in her own bed. We spend about 9 hours with her on Christmas day (either at my sibling's or our home) and then we take her out to a restaurant for lunch on Boxing Day. Other siblings just visit her for an hour.

As she has got older we find we walk on eggshells a bit around DM anyway as there are certain topics or people she doesn't want us to mention. Much as we love her it is nice for us to just enjoy our own company for a couple of hours before bedtime on Christmas night.

bloodywhitecat · 08/10/2019 13:26

Feel this is more about him and travelling not about MIL

If it is about him and travelling does it make it worse somehow?

I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

It's one day a year, a day when we are supposed to spread goodwill, I'd like think think my adult kids would welcome this older lady who is going home, alone, with open arms.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:26

And he lived on own for 5 years before and he only saw her from 10 till 4 on Xmas day and dropped her home! So he didn’t ask for her to stay then.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2019 13:28

Right so you get to choose who is on the house I. E. Your adult children and who isn't I. E. Your MIL. Nice. She's your husbands Mum for God's sake, what a horrible attitude, especially at Christmas.

Tonnerre · 08/10/2019 13:28

We have my mother over for Christmas. If we're lucky she knows what's going on and it's all reasonably OK, but it 's still a bit of a pain having to stay sober so as to drive her back and forth. If we're not lucky, she's confused and grumpy and has been known to ruin Christmas. However, we still wouldn't contemplate changing it because we couldn't live with knowing she was on her own, it's only one day, and she won't be around that much longer anyway.

Pringlesfortea · 08/10/2019 13:29

I hope your husband doesn’t get your children’s share of the house .hope you protected their assets when you let him move in

LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2019 13:31

This is my house and that of the adult children. Their house for 20 years. Him only living here a couple of years

Are you referring to your DH as "him"? Surely it's his home to.

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/10/2019 13:31

@DreadedDIL circumstances change people get older what has happened in the past isn't always going to be the right thing in present circumstances. If she isnt so bad that you can host her for 2 days she cant be so bad as to be able to stay over. And your adult children should be helping as well as DH

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:33

MIL has been a bitch to me since I met her and tbh been awkward and horrid. So I have to let her ruin Xmas for me and my children just because it’s Xmas. Even though I am offering quite a lot.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 13:33

I think you and your kids are being scrooges. She might not be their grandma but she is your OH’s mum and alone. In that situation I think it’s perfectly reasonable for her to stay XE / XD. Also if you are doing all the cooking then what are your adult kids and partner doing? They should be helping you out so you can enjoy christmas too not sit on their arses.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:34

I wouldn’t host her at all: but accept I have to. She will always be my husbands mother and appreciate that and that he can’t leave her on her own. How ever awkward she might be. But I don’t see why everyone can’t get a bit of what they want Xmas day.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2019 13:35

OP I think you've worded it badly which is why people are giving you the responses they are.

Basically this is about your DP, and to a lesser extent about the fact that his mother has been rude to you.

So - for 20 years, you and your family have celebrated Xmas just fine. In the meantime, your H spent an amount of Xmas he was happy with allotted to his mother, but didn't put himself out unduly.

Now that you're married and he has someone else to pick up a certain amount of the hosting slack, suddenly he wants her there for the whole thing and it's mean and she's lonely if you don't plus he won't have to drive her around if you just let her stay

On top of that, she's been rude to your family before and so they don't really want her around.

You're already compromising WAY past 50-50 in my book and I'd tell your H to jog on. So it was just fine to limit her visit when he'd be the one put out, but with you presumably changing the beds and soaking up a lot of the entertainment ohhhhh we can't leave her on her own. No thanks - add on top of that the fact that you've got your own family that you at least want to have some clear family-only time with rather than completely indulge a person who's only been in your family two years... it's a no brainer.

Tell him you're changing the plans completely - if MIL can't be alone all of a sudden, you'll have a meal with him and your family Xmas eve then pack him off to MIL's for the day and night 25-26th.

I'd bet that suddenly she'd be perfectly capable of being alone again!

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:36

So basically everyone has to have their Xmas period ruined. So one person can just get what they would like.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 13:36

How does your DH feel having your adult kids over every single christmas? Bet it’s not a picnic for him either.

Grumpyunleashed · 08/10/2019 13:37

Christ on a bike, poor DH & poor MIL, well fuck that. Christmas is for family, well fuck that too. Virtually every one of you is putting the needs of 2 over the needs of the many and trying to guilt the OP into doing something she doesn’t want to. Where have all the be strong and choose your own path writers gone?
Families can be shit. Christmas with family can be even worse. How many posts in the last few days have I seen from people whose family and in laws ruin their lives?

How dare the OP want some quality time for just her and immediate family, not someone so wholly unconnected with her future as MIL.
Why should the OP be the only one to bend and have her Xmas ruined?
OP has suggested compromises that gives something to everyone.
Just because for you all Christmas with family is OK does not mean Christmas stuck with MIL is anything other than being trapped in the 7th circle of hell for OP.
Shame on you all.

Terribleusername · 08/10/2019 13:37

Re the nastiness. OP it was how you worded your original post. A little more information, for example on your relationship with her would have elicited a kinder response from some posters.

Twisique · 08/10/2019 13:38

I think you are offering too much, I would say either Christmas Day or Christmas Eve.

Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:38

Thanks FizzYG maybe I didnt set they out. But yes exactly that. Before me he would have dinner at a restaurant with her and take her home. Prob 3 hours tops.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 13:39

My kids live here!!!! This is their family home

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2019 13:40

How dare the OP want some quality time for just her and immediate family, not someone so wholly unconnected with her future as MIL

Yes how very dare an adult son actually wanting to spend more time with his own Mother at Christmas to eh. Hmm

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2019 13:41

But I don’t see why everyone can’t get a bit of what they want Xmas day.

Yes, they absolutely could, but it looks as if you've unfortunately picked yourself a bit of a selfish sod as your new H.

To be honest I wouldn't make my longstanding family put up with someone who thinks it's ok to be rude to them AT ALL on Xmas day or any other day. I've just seen your recent post on how MIL has been a bitch to you since day one - well here's the thing, no you don't have to accept that and you don't have to host her!

'DH it's quite clear from the way your mother speaks to me and my children that she doesn't enjoy spending time with us. I wouldn't want to put that on her at Xmas. I think it would be far better for you to go and visit her. You have responsibilities to your mother: I have the same to my children. I respect her as your mother but I'm not obliged to put her comfort over that of my children at Xmas and her behaviour means that they don't want her here and that's fair enough.'