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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Staying over night

264 replies

DreadedDIL · 08/10/2019 12:22

Hi,
My son is an only child 60. MIL on own lives around 40 mins away. We are taking her out Xmas eve and then will drop her back home. Xmas day OH will go to hers around 10, will have a little time with her on own, and then come here for dinner. Will take her back around 6.
But... OH feels she should stay poss Xmas eve and Xmas day,
But ... I feel what we do is sufficient. I like my little time Xmas eve after she had gone home, Xmas morning and Xmas day evening. I have my kids still here all adults. And she is not their grand mum. So I have to consider everyone. They don’t want her here either, so I think that is enough of a compromise

OP posts:
Mephisto · 08/10/2019 12:56

My MIL stays over for a week but the workload is shared between DH and I, and MIL is very helpful too, though we try to get her to just relax.

I’m guessing all the work falls on you OP? If yes then I can see why you wouldn’t want to be more responsible for another person to feed and water for 2 overnights.

WatchItGrotchet · 08/10/2019 12:59

@Ifyousayso2019 I don't think it is irrelevant. People are very quick to jump on the 'poor old lady' bandwaggon. I'm just giving a different point of view. We wouldn't have MIL Christmas Eve-Christmas day either, because we want our DC to have happy memories and enjoy Christmas.

FetchezLaVache · 08/10/2019 12:59

My Xmas doesn't start till it's all done and I can relax when she's gone

And what about your DP? He presumably can't relax until he gets back and goes off duty, roughly two hours later!

It sounds like you and your kids don't like either your DP or your MIL very much, because you don't seem to give a shit about their preferences or convenience. I think that if you like MIL enough to have her for Christmas, and you have room for her, then why on earth wouldn't you let her stay? Seems a bit like you particularly want to be able to leap symbolically up at 6 on the dot and usher her out to the car, signifying that the real Christmas fun, with just you and your children, is about to begin...

PepsiLola · 08/10/2019 13:01

@Bluntness100 SO makes sense!

Gosh it's hard to make sense of really!

If SO is an only child, jeeze even more! Poor MIL

Longlongsummer · 08/10/2019 13:01

Honestly let her stay the night. And just relax and give her compassion. I think Christmas we look after our young and our old and give them so Christmas cheer and remind them, that they are not a burden, they are part of our family.

Just sounds like you don’t like her. And also, wouldn’t she just go to bed fairly early!

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2019 13:02

Why can’t she stay Christmas Eve night? Your children sound unkind. However I’m not sorry for your dh if the driving is the same as he did when he was single. If he couldn’t be bothered hosting then I don’t see why he thinks his wife should host now -great for his mum to come now he has a partner to do all the work?
Like so many threads on here your dh (dp?) is the problem. Doesn’t want to drive his mum, doesn’t want to pitch in at home. She should stay Xmas eve and he should do his share of cooking and housework.

shearwater · 08/10/2019 13:03

I would have some sympathy with the OP's view if she was horrendous company and you can only stand her for a few hours, but there is no mention of that, unless there is going to be a massive drip feed later.

Having people staying over at Christmas is normal, and it's only for a night or two.

Ifyousayso2019 · 08/10/2019 13:03

@WatchItGrotchet yes I appreciate that, but OPs children are not 10, they are adults. In which case, they are a little too old for parents to be still "making memories" for them, and actually, they are old enough to understand and implement the true meaning of Xmas - which is not shoving an old lady out of the door and back to her home to spend the evening by herself

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 13:03

You and your children sound awful. I don't see why your partner's mother cannot stay the night and the children saying they don't want her is not an attitude I would like in my kids.

However if she spends all or most of the day with you on Christmas day, your husband really shouldn't grudge driving her home if that is what she wants. 6pm is a bit early though, she could stay later surely - unless he likes to booze.

Scarlett555 · 08/10/2019 13:04

So you wouldn't feel at all guilty about an elderly woman spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning alone? Of course she should stay!

PineappleLumps · 08/10/2019 13:04

Let the poor lady stay over it’s Xmas.

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2019 13:05

Not terrifically kind to your partner, to be honest - even if you don’t want his mother to stay over (and if you have a houseful it may not be easy, or comfortable) but you don’t even give a shit he has to do all the running about.

Most people don’t want to do a drive multiple times on subsequent days at what’s supposed to be a relaxing time of year.

From his POV, if your adult kids are staying over, why not his mum?

If I were your MIL, however, I probably wouldn’t want to stay over.

inwood · 08/10/2019 13:06

id have her to stay to save the faffing about. Seems mean not.

Els1e · 08/10/2019 13:07

How would you feel if your children’s partners treated you in the same way? I would at least invite her to stay. She may not want to.

SpiderCharlotte · 08/10/2019 13:10

I don't really like my MIL but she stays from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day. I would never let her been on her own then.

Piffle11 · 08/10/2019 13:11

Christmas Eve is my favourite part of Christmas: everything is prepared, I can sit down and have a little drink, feel smug … I wouldn't want anyone staying over. Having said that: I think you should suggest MIL stays over on Christmas Day night. This would mean that DH gets to relax and not have to do the 80 miles round trip in the evening, and MIL gets company for the whole day. If you find her difficult, then get DH to look after her. Your DC need to suck it up, they're adults fgs. Unless there's a massive back story about MIL being horrible to them, then I think they could try and be nice for one day.

WatchItGrotchet · 08/10/2019 13:12

Again with the 'old lady'.

  1. She might not be that old
  2. She might be a really horrible woman

The OP hasn't answered these questions so people are jumping on the 'poor old lady' bandwaggon. I know MN likes a pile on, but come on, there are too many unanswered questions and variables.

Piffle11 · 08/10/2019 13:13

Didn't really explain that well! I meant knock the Christmas Eve thing on the head, and have her stay Christmas Day into Boxing Day.

Morgan12 · 08/10/2019 13:13

Any chance of coming back and actually explaining this properly?

Who is 60?

What age is your MIL?

Stop being a dick and let her come ffs.

ChicCroissant · 08/10/2019 13:14

I think it would be a lot easier on your partner for her to stay on at least one of those night, OP. However your partner and his mother seem to be fairly low down your list of priorities. Adult children can surely put up with her for a day or so?

Drabarni · 08/10/2019 13:14

You've brought your children up appallingly, hey sound horrible tbh. They aren't going to improve either as they are adults, still living at home?
Brilliant parenting.
I bet your mil did a better job with hers.
Anyway you and your kids sound rotten, poor old lady.

Gillian1980 · 08/10/2019 13:19

Yabu.

Apolloanddaphne · 08/10/2019 13:20

I am assuming OP meant that her OH is an only child and age 60. That means her MIL is probably over 80.

Unless there is going to be some massive drip feed that she is some sort of gorgon then it seems a bit mean to make her go home on Christmas Eve and Christmas night.

You are all her family now. Show some festive love to the woman.

GoBrookeYourself · 08/10/2019 13:21

I think you’re being mean and unfair and I’m glad your DH is feeling guilty. I’d judge my DH if he wasn’t feeling guilty in these circumstances. She’s an elderly lady on her own at Christmas- put yourself in her shoes and let her stay over.

Rezie · 08/10/2019 13:23

I thibk it makes so much more sense for her to stay over for the night. I'd do the driving if she wanted to go home. But then again I would.enjoy having my mum for the night.