Dad smacked my son

[Jlpwife]

Hi first time posting. Sorry if its long. I feel like I have no one to actually talk to and I am really upset.

When I was a child my mum left when I was little, she took two children with her and left two behind. Over the years the kids would swap which parent they was leaving with, it was horrible as I had a horrible childhood because which ever child lived with my dad he would smack, starve and beat us up (we never told anyone) he did it so no one knew. When my mum eventually found out what my dad was doing to us she got us from his house. I moved to my mums then after a few years I couldn't stand living with her so I choose to live with my dad again even if it meant he beat Me, to my surprise he was a changed man (that's what I thought) he was nice, loving and never layed a hand on me.

I got pregnant 3 years ago, as it was my first time pregnant they asked alot of questions, they found out what my dad was like when I was a child. The social workers got involved and put paperwork in place so my dad could still see my son but under supervision- me or my husband has to be there.

So about three weeks ago we went out for our usually Wednesday visit, my son is 2 half now and can be a bit of a handful in town. We was all there me, my dad, my son and two month old daughter. We all went back to my dad's, my son was running room to room.

My dad has toys on a lots of shelves and he hates my son touching them, I won't tell my son off for touching them as they are toys and I aint confusing him as it isn't far on him.
I was feeding my daughter and my son was in the kitchen with my dad only because he was running in and out the living room like he had ants in his pants, we heard my dad tell him off for touching something next minute we all heard a smack. Then my son came to me holding his head. my dad hit my son.

I remember that sound. I thought I'd give him a chance to explain so I asked my dad why my son is holding his head. He said he hit is head on a box in the kitchen, it was definitely not in the kitchen.
I stopped speaking to my dad and he text me a week later I ignored him then I finally texted him back explaining why I haven't been speaking to him, he texted back with a different story to what he explained what happen when I asked him on the day, he now saying my son hit is on a a tray when he tried grabbing it off him and then he said he hit on with the tray when he was taking it off him. I haven't spoken to him since as his story keeps changing. I know hand in heart he smacked my son around head, just like he did when I was little.

now my sisters are trying to make me speak to him again, I can't. Since it has happened I have been having flash backs, I haven't stopped crying since
My sisters are on his side, saying I should apologise and speak to him again. I have just found out I aint allowed to go to my sisters wedding and she doesn't want to see my children as she will find it hard to spend time with them and then see my dad. Can't believe they are choosing him after everything he has done. Past and present
Really sorry for the long story. I'm so upset 😭

Leeannb You are such a peach

What kind of cunt buys toys for his grandson, displays them at arms reach but won't let him play with them? One that's setting up his grandchild to have a reason to get annoyed with him.

Oh and the kind of cunt that hits a 2 year old round the head.

Yanbu OP, well done on going nc to protect your son. What does your dh say too? He knows of your childhood?

Your sisters are cut from the same cloth ad your dad, ignoring abuse and saying you should apologise for being upset at it. I hope they don't have kids, or won't. Not only is their thinking terribly flawed but if they excuse this much they may be abusive themselves.

Leeannb Is that MIL. 👹
Give your DIL my commiserations

Give it a fucking rest @Leaannb
OP you're right to cut off your father and sisters too if they aren't supporting you. Your ds is the main priority

A poster said this earlier and if you do end up texting your sister, this is the perfect comment.

My job is to keep my kids safe, not to keep my family happy.

Though I would change ‘family’ to father.

You’re not only being a good mother, but also a good sister, because you have set an excellent example to them. You have protected your child from him, the way you and they should have been protected. If they don’t eventually see that, then you’re far better off without them.

Leeannb, fyi DH and DS have the Lego Millenium Falcon, they also have the Lego Death Star, that Silent Mary, and other pricey Lego sets they spent hours to build and money to buy ( well, DH spent the money, DS is still wee) . And guess what, they don't display them on shelves which a toddler can reach and even if a toddler or an older kid were to touch them or even dismantle them, they still wouldn't whack the said kid!

Can't believe that people on here are derailing a thread about child abuse in two generations because they're more concerned about an adult's precious bloody toys. In the OP's case, I agree that buying toys for a toddler and then sticking them on a shelf in view and saying that they're off limits sounds like a weird test/ manipulation.

OP - don't feel bad about having allowed him contact. You know better now, but the voices telling you that "he's your daaaaaad" and "how could you be so cruel as to deny your child a grandparent's love?" are very strong.

I'll keep this short as this thread isn't about me. My parents - Mum mostly - battered me every day hard. Always across the face or around the ears - to the extent that I am hard of hearing - and she often used to smack my head off the corner of the oven or belt me so hard I couldn't walk or sit. I was taken into care for four years after being seen by the school nurse. When we had our own daughter, I took immediate action and got a court injunction against both parents - Mum for the obvious reasons and Dad for enabling it / not stopping it (as he wanted a quiet life). It was the best decision I ever made and every time a family "friend" has a go, I ask them if they knew about the abuse and why didn't they step in and stop it. Then I walk away and have a great life.

Please listen to all of the people that say stop caring about what your sisters etc think. People who smack - and really smack hard - rarely change. You wouldn't leave a small baby in the same room as a pit bull terrier, irrespective of how nice everyone says it is. You just wouldn't risk it.

OP I've asked if this thread could be moved from AIBU (hope you don't mind) as this really doesn't seem to be the right topic, and you deserve more support than you've received here-

Although I doubt it will be.

msmith501

Now as an adult it must be so difficult for you to look back at the poor little unprotected child that you were.

Good call @LynetteScavo
Can’t quite get over some of the posts on this thread.
@Jlpwife, you are doing the right thing, stand your ground. Sending you strength

When I joined this thread I thought you were going to say a six year old got a smack on his bottom for something really naughty, and I was going to comment on ancient and old fashioned parenting skills where that was ok. I was brought up like that. BUT, hitting a two year old over the head is obnoxious and abuse and you need to reassess his contact with these people. I would also teach him it is not ok to touch other people's things without permission. A salutory lesson for life.

Smacking is a whack across the bum or back of the legs. Hitting a child on the head is abuse

@lynettescavo
Thank you. I have been trying to find out how to stop people commenting. I have plenty of people commenting and I don't need to feel anymore worse than I already do. They are loads or people like yourself that have said lovely things and helped me see I have nothing to feel bad for stopping my dad from seeing my children. I came here to make sure I did the right thing 100% for stopping my dad. some on here have made me feel worse but oh well ill get over eventually.

@Jlpwife, your son has not deserved this treatment by your DF and you did absolutely nothing that caused it. Your DF is the responsable for his own actions and this particular situation shows you can’t trust him around your children.
You did the right thing, now stay strong.

And fuck your sisters. They are messed up too by the sound of it.

You do not slap a small child on the head under any circumstances! If my father did that he wouldn’t see my child again.

If your father hit your child then you are right to take whatever steps you need to in order to protect him.

I know you’re upset.

But, just for your benefit in the future, and that of your child, it’s not confusing for a child to be told no in one situation and yes in another. That’s how they learn, and they’re perfectly capable of understanding different rules in different homes or in different environments (home/nursery, home/school, home/grandparents, home/outside). You teach them to respect others’ property (whatever it is) by saying, ‘no, don’t touch those things, they are not for playing with. You can play with your toys at home.’ Children are not little emperors of the universe.

Somebody rang the klaxon and here we are!
Too many abuse apologists on MN these days. We’re Women Against Abuse Apologists, WAAA, which is the same noise decent people make reading some of these ridiculous and disgusting comments.

OP’s said some have made her feel like shit, and that’s unacceptable. So we’re annotating a few real corkers, to help OP feel better, and to help anyone on the thread who’s been through hearing words like this.

You let your son touch your dads property so maybe don't let him do that in future?? You should have told ds not to touch other people's property so yabu op
This is one of the ugliest ones, and we’re glad PPs jumped on it as well. This is absolutely bonkers. So if another adult touches your property, you’re allowed to cuff them around the head? No, that’s assault. So why in the world would anyone think this is acceptable with a child? The mind boggles that anyone would actually write this. This is so blatantly excusing the abuse that even we’re left scratching our heads. So the answer to stopping abuse, according to this user, is to teach children not to do anything that would upset the abuser? That won’t work, OP, and that’s why it’s not your fault - because they’re ABUSERS. It’s a choice they make about how to interact with the world.

Your attitude about letting your son do whatever he wants is wrong! Now he’s faced the consequences you don’t like it.
I don’t agree with smacking him on the head but you shouldn’t let him touch other people’s belongings if they don’t want him to.
Oh, well, thank heavens this user doesn’t agree with smacking on the head - what a concession! But it’s not much of one after that opening. A two-year-old child has “faced consequences” their parent doesn’t “like”? A toddler has been cuffed around the head loudly enough to be heard from another room. Please, anyone reading this, as a PP pointed out, don’t believe these are acceptable consequences for ANY child’s behavior - violence never is. And if you as an adult are being abused, nothing you did justified it as a “consequence,” either. Period.

Just for giggles. My 16 yo son has a 700 dollar millienium falcon lego set that took him weeks to build and he bought himself am I suppose to let my grandchildren destroy it because its a "toy"? Of course not. Which is why I told Dil to keep her 2 yo away until she can do a better job of teaching her child.
There’s one on every thread. This user has 10+ comments on the thread going on and on about not touching the toys. She says she doesn’t approve of hitting... and then ten more comments about how it was OP’s responsibility to make sure the toys weren’t touched, how she banned her own DIL for the same problem, etc, ad nausem. WE GET IT. MNers are not a stupid lot. This thread was an OP needing advice and support because she greatly feared an abusive cycle repeating, she wants to protect her son, and she’s already receiving family pressure to ignore the abuse and play “happy families.” Ten comments about someone’s personal feelings on collectibles (and OP has stated the toys in question weren’t even collectibles! In fact, the grandfather bought some regular toys FOR the child, and then would still put them on a TV stand and not let him play with them!) which are completely irrelevant shows that someone cares a lot more about derailing the thread than they do about supporting OP in standing up against her and her son’s abuser. Derailing a support thread is never a good look.

OP - You’re doing the right things. You’re keeping your son away from your father permanently, you’re not giving in to the pressure of your sisters who don’t care about the welfare of you and your son vs. your father, sadly. We’re sorry this has happened. Here’s a post we’ve appreciated in the past about breaking the cycle of abuse by doing what you’re trying to do, which is be a better parent than yours were to you:
www.scarymommy.com/those-who-break-cycle-of-abuse/

We’re the WAAA. If a thread needs us, just ring the klaxon (via PM).

your father is a monster who abused you in a horrific way when you were helpless vulnerable child with no choice but to trust your parents
He does not deserve a moment of your time.

Big up to ⚡theWAAA⚡
😎

OP don't listen to the shit stirrers, this was IN NO WAY your fault! None of it! No behaviour from a 2 year old warrants getting hit!

You've absolutely done the right thing in cutting off your dad again. Be strong, you've demonstrated that you're a good mother by taking decisive action to prevent your child from being in the same position.

Children are not little emperors of the universe.

He's fucking TWO.

Some of you are awful, awful humans and I hope you don't have kids.

@Juells

Thanks. I think, as per the good advice given to the OP, that it gets a lot better once you take back control and refuse to be defined by your past. That and staying firm to what you know to be right.

@Jlpwife try not to be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes when it comes to our DC's, often involving them getting hurt , it could be falling off something when we're not paying enough attention, burns and scalds etc. You are going to do what you can so it doesn't happen again.

Also, it happened to your son once, I know its wrong but don't compare whats happened to him with what happened to you, he has a DMum that cares for him and is looking out for him, thats worth sooooo much, he will forget this quickly.

Take care

And Yaay to @theWAAA

Oh stop it. I’m not saying anything bad or cruel about this little boy. I’m reassuring mum that it’s fine to say no and her child will learn to understand and in fact will appreciate boundaries being set. That’s not cruel in anyway.

My girls are grown up now and very happy, well adjusted adults (as much anyone can be).

A great proportion of parents now are too frightened to set sensible, clear boundaries for their children and to help them to adjust to the realities of life, and it breeds huge problems when they grow up and expect the whole world to adjust itself completely to them and their wants or needs. They’re not emperors of the universe, they’re little people.