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Original poster

Dad smacked my son

187 replies

Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 09:57

Hi first time posting. Sorry if its long. I feel like I have no one to actually talk to and I am really upset.

When I was a child my mum left when I was little, she took two children with her and left two behind. Over the years the kids would swap which parent they was leaving with, it was horrible as I had a horrible childhood because which ever child lived with my dad he would smack, starve and beat us up (we never told anyone) he did it so no one knew. When my mum eventually found out what my dad was doing to us she got us from his house. I moved to my mums then after a few years I couldn't stand living with her so I choose to live with my dad again even if it meant he beat Me, to my surprise he was a changed man (that's what I thought) he was nice, loving and never layed a hand on me.

I got pregnant 3 years ago, as it was my first time pregnant they asked alot of questions, they found out what my dad was like when I was a child. The social workers got involved and put paperwork in place so my dad could still see my son but under supervision- me or my husband has to be there.

So about three weeks ago we went out for our usually Wednesday visit, my son is 2 half now and can be a bit of a handful in town. We was all there me, my dad, my son and two month old daughter. We all went back to my dad's, my son was running room to room.

My dad has toys on a lots of shelves and he hates my son touching them, I won't tell my son off for touching them as they are toys and I aint confusing him as it isn't far on him.
I was feeding my daughter and my son was in the kitchen with my dad only because he was running in and out the living room like he had ants in his pants, we heard my dad tell him off for touching something next minute we all heard a smack. Then my son came to me holding his head. my dad hit my son.

I remember that sound. I thought I'd give him a chance to explain so I asked my dad why my son is holding his head. He said he hit is head on a box in the kitchen, it was definitely not in the kitchen.
I stopped speaking to my dad and he text me a week later I ignored him then I finally texted him back explaining why I haven't been speaking to him, he texted back with a different story to what he explained what happen when I asked him on the day, he now saying my son hit is on a a tray when he tried grabbing it off him and then he said he hit on with the tray when he was taking it off him. I haven't spoken to him since as his story keeps changing. I know hand in heart he smacked my son around head, just like he did when I was little.

now my sisters are trying to make me speak to him again, I can't. Since it has happened I have been having flash backs, I haven't stopped crying since
My sisters are on his side, saying I should apologise and speak to him again. I have just found out I aint allowed to go to my sisters wedding and she doesn't want to see my children as she will find it hard to spend time with them and then see my dad. Can't believe they are choosing him after everything he has done. Past and present
Really sorry for the long story. I'm so upset 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 12:30

@zebraaa
They are toys, simspons, toy story etc... We went shopping once together brought my son some star wars toys and displayed them on the TV stand and told my son he isn't allowed to touch them even though he brought them for him

OP posts:
Leaannb · 08/10/2019 12:36

I have several lego kits displayed in my home costing upwards of 800 dollars. I think with conversion it would be around 650 sterling pounds...Are they considered tous or colle ribles? Should I just let my grandkids just play with them because its such a tease? Or should my DIl teach her kids to keep their hands to themselves?

EKGEMS · 08/10/2019 12:40

Please try to forgive yourself, dear. Have you had counseling? It might help you to deal with the horrible background you had to endure. Your darling son will recover and eventually forget the incident because you love and protect him and his baby sister. Stay strong and ignore your family. You can make a new family with your partner and babies and friends.

Wolfiefan · 08/10/2019 12:42

But you said you won’t tell him off as it would confuse him. Now you’re saying you do. Confused
You shouldn’t have left him alone with your dad. Keep him away from your child in future. He can’t be trusted.

NicLondon1 · 08/10/2019 12:42

@Leaannb - well obviously let your kids play with the LEGO, it's a toy made for kids to develop their imagination, motor skills and creativity. I'm sure they would love it and love you for letting them play with it!
Is it really more important to keep a display intact than the joy of your grandkids?
Some really bizarre priorities on this thread....

whyayepetal · 08/10/2019 12:48

OP, you sound like a great mum to me. You have tried to keep a family link there in the safest way you can, and now that your father has shown that even this will not be safe for your children, you have made the decision that there will be no further contact. You are protecting your children (and yourself) and helping to ensure that your children do not have to deal with the abuse as you did yourself. Be proud of yourself, and the way you are looking after your own young family Flowers

LovePoppy · 08/10/2019 12:50

Stop seeing your father
The fact that people had to tell you not to leave your child with your father should have been a massive flag that your father was unsafe
I’m very sorry to hear that your son has now learned that as well.

However, please teach your child that he can’t touch things that other peoples houses. It will not confuse him to know that there are some toys that he cannot touch.

LovePoppy · 08/10/2019 12:51

@Leaannb those are collectibles. Not for the grandkids.

In your shoes, I might have a box of Lego that the children are allowed to play with though.

LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2019 13:11

I don't think anyone saying that OP should teach her son not to touch others stuff means that it's right he got smacked by her Dad because of course it isn't. But it is important because otherwise children can grow up thinking they can do what they like, others generally suffer the consequences. The poster who said growing up in an abusive house hold can make you the opposite with your own children regarding boundaries etc is spot on. OP this isn't your fault, so you have nothing to blame yourself for. You have been deeply affected by your own experiences of parental abuse and therapy would help you sort some of your feelings out.

LagunaBubbles · 08/10/2019 13:15

it really more important to keep a display intact than the joy of your grandkids?
Some really bizarre priorities on this thread

A display isn't a toy to be played with though. My husband has some expensive lego on display there's no way on earth I would let my youngest DS play with. Not because I don't want him to have joy but because he's plenty other lego to play with and has grown up to respect other people's property. It is possible to have other lego available so children can play with it and have "joy."

Juells · 08/10/2019 13:17

That what was happening I was telling him no, not to touch the toys then we would go home and he would look at me for approval to play. I couldn't do that to him, I hated he was wary to play with his own toys.

You're over-thinking it. Children learn that they can touch things in some places, and not in others. He's very small, but it's repetition that teaches children how to behave, along with consistency.

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 13:20

No i dont. Because these particular sets are not toys. They are display pieces with thousands of pieces and hours of work. So no they arent allowed to play with them. They are for display only

Armadillostoes · 08/10/2019 13:31

Some of the responses on here are terrible. The toys are a complete red-herring. It doesn't matter what the provocation was, hitting a toddler (or anyone) hard enough to be heard in the next room is disgusting. It's clear that children should not be around this man, and the OP ought to keep her DS well away.

StoppinBy · 08/10/2019 13:34

@Leaannb Why is your DIL's job to teach your GC not to touch things? Did you raise a son who isn't capable of parenting?

EmeraldShamrock · 08/10/2019 13:34

OP stay strong against your Dad.
The toy touching and head smack are separate issues.
The big one your DF there is no mending this I'd cut contact.
You can work with DS around touching things he shouldn't he will learn he is still a tot.

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 14:22

My son was in Afghanistan at the time.....The commute would have been a bitch

RickOShay · 08/10/2019 16:14

@Leaannb What’s that got to do with it?
Confused

Majorcollywobble · 08/10/2019 16:20

Forget the wedding you are not invited to . No one should lay a hand on your son especially a blow to the head - unforgivable with the family history .
Concentrate on your little son x

Juells · 08/10/2019 16:22

The toy touching and head smack are separate issues.

Absolutely this ^^

LovePoppy · 08/10/2019 16:30

@RickOShay It means that her son was away and her daughter-in-law was solo parenting. So for the time that her son was away it was her daughter-in-law’s job to teach the child not to touch things. Obviously the visit happened during that time.

I don’t see how that’s so hard to comprehend

slipperywhensparticus · 08/10/2019 16:31

Lord, my mom knew that the children were attracted to her dolls houses so she would have things they could play with her collection was shut away because she valued her items and her grandchildren

NearlyGranny · 08/10/2019 16:34

What kind of adult collects and displays TOYS but hits tiny children? What alternatives did said adult explore to keep the child from touching his toys, like a firm, "No, don't touch," or leading him away by the hand into another room and shutting the door, before hitting the child?

Nope, NC is the only way here. You gave him a fair chance to be a better DGF than he was a DF and he's blown it. You owe nobody any apology whatsoever and are being a great mum taking the right but difficult path here.

clickymad · 08/10/2019 16:38

I don't think I've seen so many cunty replies on one thread. Some of you sound like vile parents.

Thanks for you op. You're doing the right thing never seeing him again.

GPatz · 08/10/2019 16:50

'Your attitude about letting your son do whatever he wants is wrong! Now he’s faced the consequences you don’t like it'.

The convenience is violence. That's not the OP's fault, it's the grandfather's

GPatz · 08/10/2019 16:53

'My son was in Afghanistan at the time.....The commute would have been a bitch'

So what? He's not a parent when he's away then?