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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad smacked my son

187 replies

Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 09:57

Hi first time posting. Sorry if its long. I feel like I have no one to actually talk to and I am really upset.

When I was a child my mum left when I was little, she took two children with her and left two behind. Over the years the kids would swap which parent they was leaving with, it was horrible as I had a horrible childhood because which ever child lived with my dad he would smack, starve and beat us up (we never told anyone) he did it so no one knew. When my mum eventually found out what my dad was doing to us she got us from his house. I moved to my mums then after a few years I couldn't stand living with her so I choose to live with my dad again even if it meant he beat Me, to my surprise he was a changed man (that's what I thought) he was nice, loving and never layed a hand on me.

I got pregnant 3 years ago, as it was my first time pregnant they asked alot of questions, they found out what my dad was like when I was a child. The social workers got involved and put paperwork in place so my dad could still see my son but under supervision- me or my husband has to be there.

So about three weeks ago we went out for our usually Wednesday visit, my son is 2 half now and can be a bit of a handful in town. We was all there me, my dad, my son and two month old daughter. We all went back to my dad's, my son was running room to room.

My dad has toys on a lots of shelves and he hates my son touching them, I won't tell my son off for touching them as they are toys and I aint confusing him as it isn't far on him.
I was feeding my daughter and my son was in the kitchen with my dad only because he was running in and out the living room like he had ants in his pants, we heard my dad tell him off for touching something next minute we all heard a smack. Then my son came to me holding his head. my dad hit my son.

I remember that sound. I thought I'd give him a chance to explain so I asked my dad why my son is holding his head. He said he hit is head on a box in the kitchen, it was definitely not in the kitchen.
I stopped speaking to my dad and he text me a week later I ignored him then I finally texted him back explaining why I haven't been speaking to him, he texted back with a different story to what he explained what happen when I asked him on the day, he now saying my son hit is on a a tray when he tried grabbing it off him and then he said he hit on with the tray when he was taking it off him. I haven't spoken to him since as his story keeps changing. I know hand in heart he smacked my son around head, just like he did when I was little.

now my sisters are trying to make me speak to him again, I can't. Since it has happened I have been having flash backs, I haven't stopped crying since
My sisters are on his side, saying I should apologise and speak to him again. I have just found out I aint allowed to go to my sisters wedding and she doesn't want to see my children as she will find it hard to spend time with them and then see my dad. Can't believe they are choosing him after everything he has done. Past and present
Really sorry for the long story. I'm so upset 😭

OP posts:

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 08/10/2019 17:11

'My son was in Afghanistan at the time.....The commute would have been a bitch'

So what? He's not a parent when he's away then?

As a mother of a son who has been in active war zones I would say it is impossible for them to tell their child not to touch something when their little hands are about to grab something off a shelf when they are many thousands of miles away from that child.

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 17:15

Of course he is still a parent but its kind of hard to discipline his child when he is being shot at 5000 miles away. Dil was there and present. It was her responsibility to teach her child not to mess with his Uncle and Grandfathers things. Not make excuses about how he is a child and should have his way. Thats why she was asked not to bring the child back until she did. If my son was stateside he would have been held to the same standard and told the same thing

theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 17:25

Not sure what being shot has to do with anything on this thread? His job is irrelevant in the context of this. It's interesting that you call the child "her child" not "their child"

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 08/10/2019 17:33

Not sure what being shot has to do with anything on this thread? His job is irrelevant in the context of this. It's interesting that you call the child "her child" not "their child"

Because a poster believed a man in a war zone, being shot at, could tell their child not to touch things 5,000 miles away.

RickOShay · 08/10/2019 17:50

HE HIT A 2 YEAR OLD ROUND THE HEAD.
That’s it. Doesn’t matter what the child was doing.
You DO NOT hit children.
Afghanistan or no Afghanistan.

LovePoppy · 08/10/2019 17:56

And no one is arguing that @rickoshay

The poster whose son is in Afghanistan is not the poster who started this thread. No one hit the child whose father is in Afghanistan as far as I can tell.

You seem to be confusing two different situations in one thread.

@Leaannb rightly expects Her grand child’s parent who is with them to correct their child with regards to not touching her collectibles.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/10/2019 17:58

Gotta love all these parents and grandparents with their 2 year olds with perfect impulse control. You should have your own Supernanny-style show to teach the rest of us your expert ways.

LovePoppy · 08/10/2019 18:01

My two-year-old absolutely does not have perfect impulse control. What they do have our parents who watch them, and correct them, when we go to other peoples houses.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/10/2019 18:05

Oh dear. Given the OP was in another room feeding her 2 month old and her son was in the kitchen with a responsible adult who could have moved him away from the toys but instead walloped him, I'm not sure what you expected her to do.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/10/2019 18:05

Other than what she is doing which is not to leave her children in the same room with him again.

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 18:07

My son has never hit my grandson. I'm not the OP. I have stated several times grandfather was way out of line to hit the child. However,OP is being completely unreasonable not to teach her child not to bother or touch other's people things. Regardless if its their grandparents collectible toys or not

Sewrainbow · 08/10/2019 18:09

I wouldn't see him again nor allow your child too. Of your sisters make comments just remind them of your shared childhood experiences

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 18:13

Teach her child not to bother other peoples things regardless of whether they are toys or not. She isn't teaching her children that on the basis that it might be confusing for the child. No one is saying that a 2 yo should have perfect impulse control but they need to be corrected. That does not mean grandfather was right in hitting him. I would have told OP not to come back to my home until she starts correcting her child and stop making excuses. Just like I did with my own Dil

RickOShay · 08/10/2019 18:16

No @LovePoppy
I am perfectly clear who has posted what, but many thanks for your concern.
What I am finding just a little frustrating is the posters on this thread who are missing the point, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so awful.

pumkinseason · 08/10/2019 18:19

OP you are doing completely the right thing keeping your dc away from a man who it seems likely has hit him around the head.

He should have been told that the toys on the shelf weren't for touching, they were special looking only toys.
Being 2 I imagine that could well have taken more than one attempt but it should have happened. It doesn't excuse him getting hit however.
DH has LEGO models and dc have understood from a very young age they aren't for playing with. Now they have their own versions!

theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 18:21

Because a poster believed a man in a war zone, being shot at, could tell their child not to touch things 5,000 miles away

The being shot at came on a later post, it's irrelevant his job, it's only reinvent he is absent from the child's upbringing.

Blondebombsite83 · 08/10/2019 18:22

I think a major point here is not so much what happened but that you don’t trust your dad (with good reason) so that’s that. If that had happened with my dad I know his stance on smacking and so would never have thought he could possibly do it. You can’t be sure of that so it’s not worth the risk. Walk away.

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 18:25

Please explain how I'm missing the point? Ive stated several times how Grandfather was in the wrong. But OP is in the wrong by not teaching her child to respect other people's property. Children need bounfaries

theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 18:27

@Leaannb it's not HER child it's THEIR child because the father has chosen a career away from the child does not mean it's not HIS child also!

theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 18:41

Also @Leaannb as your DIL is effectively a single mum, would t it have been kinder to offer a helping hand rather than banning her from the house?

Some parents and grandparents are shocking.

contrary13 · 08/10/2019 18:54

I suspect that the grandfather, after years/decades of abusing his own children - and them having nowhere to run/no one to turn to whom they trusted enough to help them - didn't think that the first thing his hurt 2 year old grandson was going to do... was run straight for/to his mum, whom he instinctively knows makes everything better/okay again. That's what the different stories are about - the grandfather was surprised, blurted out the first thing he could think of, then couldn't remember what that was.

OP, you're doing the only thing you can. If you ever allow that abusive excuse of a man back into your lives, and social services discover it... you risk losing your own children, through absolutely no fault (other than blind optimism that your father had changed his ways) of your own.

Do your sisters have children of their own? How would they feel/react if your shared parent hit one of their children? Because chances are... they'd do exactly what you have. Cut contact. To protect two small children and yourself from his abusive ways. At the moment, however, they think that his abuse is normal. It's not.

This is going to get harder for you, before it gets any easier - but you're doing the right thing. No child, of any age, should be hit by an adult - and certainly not in/around the head. If your sisters need to experience your father's abuse being visited upon their small children before they realise that you're in the right... that isn't your responsibility. You cannot control how they think, or manage their instinctive need to airbrush this all away, tell no one, protect your parent... You can only control you and how you think/react to something that, by rights, should have led to a visit from the police to your father. It still should, in my opinion.

As for teaching a 2 year old not to touch other people's possessions... that's easier said than done - but, OP, it does need to be started, before he breaks something irreplaceable, albeit accidentally.

SpaceDinosaur · 08/10/2019 18:59

Go. No. Contact.

My daughter is a similar age and if someone struck her I would have her checked out by a doctor then prosecute and destroy the perpetrator.

PhilSwagielka · 08/10/2019 19:04

Awful lot of people in here thinking the kid had it coming because he touched some toys.

Even if he shouldn't have touched them, doesn't excuse the grandad smacking him over the fucking head. I think the kid's welfare is a bit more important. And what if he does it again?

Original poster

Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 19:22

@Leaannb
I am teaching my son not to touch other people things if you read my comments before. I use to tell him until he got confused when he got him he didn't know he could play with his own toys. My dad brought some of the toys on the shelf for my son, so yeah sorry for not telling my son off for touching something my dad got for him. he is good at other people houses, yeha he trys to touch but I tell him no and he listens sometimes he tries again then I remove the object.

next time read comments. Thanks fot making me feel rubbish. I feel like shit enough

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2019 19:35

I know this is AIBU,but the butchers have really shown themselves on this thread.

When I read the thread title I was ready to think a nice old grandpa had parented his grandchild in an old fashioned way. I was wrong.

OP, do not let your father near your children again. Even if your sister doesn't want to see you - your children are your priority. Please keep them safe and away from your father. Stay strong and remember your children are trusting you to keep them safe.

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