Dad smacked my son

[Jlpwife]

Hi first time posting. Sorry if its long. I feel like I have no one to actually talk to and I am really upset.

When I was a child my mum left when I was little, she took two children with her and left two behind. Over the years the kids would swap which parent they was leaving with, it was horrible as I had a horrible childhood because which ever child lived with my dad he would smack, starve and beat us up (we never told anyone) he did it so no one knew. When my mum eventually found out what my dad was doing to us she got us from his house. I moved to my mums then after a few years I couldn't stand living with her so I choose to live with my dad again even if it meant he beat Me, to my surprise he was a changed man (that's what I thought) he was nice, loving and never layed a hand on me.

I got pregnant 3 years ago, as it was my first time pregnant they asked alot of questions, they found out what my dad was like when I was a child. The social workers got involved and put paperwork in place so my dad could still see my son but under supervision- me or my husband has to be there.

So about three weeks ago we went out for our usually Wednesday visit, my son is 2 half now and can be a bit of a handful in town. We was all there me, my dad, my son and two month old daughter. We all went back to my dad's, my son was running room to room.

My dad has toys on a lots of shelves and he hates my son touching them, I won't tell my son off for touching them as they are toys and I aint confusing him as it isn't far on him.
I was feeding my daughter and my son was in the kitchen with my dad only because he was running in and out the living room like he had ants in his pants, we heard my dad tell him off for touching something next minute we all heard a smack. Then my son came to me holding his head. my dad hit my son.

I remember that sound. I thought I'd give him a chance to explain so I asked my dad why my son is holding his head. He said he hit is head on a box in the kitchen, it was definitely not in the kitchen.
I stopped speaking to my dad and he text me a week later I ignored him then I finally texted him back explaining why I haven't been speaking to him, he texted back with a different story to what he explained what happen when I asked him on the day, he now saying my son hit is on a a tray when he tried grabbing it off him and then he said he hit on with the tray when he was taking it off him. I haven't spoken to him since as his story keeps changing. I know hand in heart he smacked my son around head, just like he did when I was little.

now my sisters are trying to make me speak to him again, I can't. Since it has happened I have been having flash backs, I haven't stopped crying since
My sisters are on his side, saying I should apologise and speak to him again. I have just found out I aint allowed to go to my sisters wedding and she doesn't want to see my children as she will find it hard to spend time with them and then see my dad. Can't believe they are choosing him after everything he has done. Past and present
Really sorry for the long story. I'm so upset 😭

YANBU

Can't believe some of these responses! Teach your child not to touch other peoples things, he's 2 and a half, yes he should be "being taught" but that doesn't include being smacked if he doesn't obey.

IMO, you either completely cut contact with your dad or you make sure you supervise fully when in his company, ie your son is never out of your/your DH sight.

"I know hand in heart he smacked my son around head, just like he did when I was little."
You think you know what happened based on your past experience (and you may or may not be right) but you don't really know as you weren't present in the room where whatever took place happened .

Was your DS able to say what happened?

If anyone had done this to me as a child they'd be nowhere near my family.
You can't get much from a relationship with him anyway.
protect your child and under no circumstances your son anywhere near him.

I have nothing to add but I think it is a great thing that they (the midwives?) asked you about your childhood and life when you were pregnant. No one asked me questions like that a decade ago when I was first pregnant so I think that this is a great opportunity for new parents to get some support if they need it.

Tell your dad to fuck off and stop contact. Any siblings who have a problem with it can fuck off too. Protect your family.

I do think you should expect better behaviour of your child though. If you are at someone’s house, you should put let them be running around wildly. If someone has things on a shelf that they don’t want a child touching, you should explain to your child not to touch them

@ladyandbella wow, what kind of person are you to think hitting a small child around the head is ok.

Op, you are in the right here. Personally I wouldn’t let either child out of your sight when your dad is around.
I had the same kind of “dad” and I never took my ds to see my dad.

My mother was abusive towards us when we were young.We've a good relationship now and I can look back and fully realize why she behaved as she did due to mental health issues etc.
I pledged when I had children that I would never physically punish them and I've been able to keep to that without any issues.The one observation I 've made in being around people who slap their children is that they seem to do it automatically, almost like on automatic pilot.
Your father shouldn't have laid a hand on your son but he's a violent person and he'll have reacted automatically.That doesn't make it any better but maybe helps you understand why he behaved as he did.Your father was supposed to have supervised access and each of you have let your child down.If you continue to allow him to have access you must ensure that he's supervised 100% of the time and the police are called if any issues arise.

Tell your sister you wouldn't want to go to her wedding as she is an abuser supporter and if she has children to make sure she informs SS as he's registered as a child abuser.

You need to be seen to be protecting your son, from a potential social services perspective. Keep your father away from him and sod everyone else.

He probably did hit him. I wouldn't bring him there again, and after your own childhood experiences I'd cut contact. He couldn't control himself even when you were in the next room!

One thing I might be wary of is going to the other extreme with your own child/children, and not giving them proper boundaries because of the violence you suffered in your own childhood. There's a middle road, where you don't hit your child but you do discipline and teach them how to behave. Two is too young, obviously, but as he gets older it's something to watch out for.

I was very impressed with one of my daughter's friends, who came from a crap, horrible background - for instance, I found her crying on the street one night when I took my dogs out for a late night pee, her mother had thrown her out, told her she'd 'ruined her life by having her when she was young'. Turned out later that she wasn't the mother's only child, there were three older ones who'd been adopted, daughter's friend was the only one she kept - and she was in and out of care for years. Anyway, I'm rabbiting on, when she left school she did a childcare and parenting course because she knew she didn't have a normal upbringing, and didn't have any idea what 'normal' was. She's been a wonderful mother to her own two children as a result.

I have stopped all contact and informed my health visitor what happened as I couldn't stop hearing it. Social had contacted me to ask what if my decision and I have told them that my dad is never seeing my kids again, they have asked me to let them know if I let him see them again I said "you will be waiting forever for that phone call".

Yes I do feel like it's my fault for the ones that are saying it's my fault so don't worry about that. I have cried every day since it has happened. I have gave the man a chance as I thought he had changed I would never have thought he would smack my children. he has and that's it for him. as for my sisters that are speaking to him, they aren't seeing my children as they thinks its OK I can't trust them around my children, how do I know they won't hit them.

Op be kind to yourself, your dad is not a safe person.
He has and will continue to treat your child the way he treated you,

He is NOT and never will be safe for your kids to be around.

I had abusive parents, I was the scapegoat child. My sister the golden child insisted our parents were good etc, insisted I was wrong, making things up, looking for attention etc. I had therapy, counselling and when I adopted my DD I saw my parents treat her in the same negative way they treated me. They were cut off from us forever.

Look up Scapegoat and how that gets handed on to the children. You don’t need that negativity around your children. With me out of the picture, my sister had to deal with our parents abuse and suddenly she remembered that they were awful throughout our childhood.

Stay away from your dad.

Don’t be swayed by people saying “but he’s your daaaaaaaaaad, faaaaaaaaaaamily,” or trying to blame you and your 2yr old for bringing this on yourselves ... really? REALLY? Smacking a 2yr old round the head? That’s a special kind of cunt right there.

You and your child are not the problem. Good luck OP

You dad is massively unreasonable to smack your child BUT you are unreasonable for not telling your son not to touch the toys.

Surely it’s easy to say “toys on floor, go ahead and play but do not touch the toys on the shelf”

You should be teaching your son not to touch other people’s belongings, toys or not, you did go wrong there.

Your father is in the wrong for hitting your son, and I too would go NC, and question your sisters ability to understand risk. The risk of hitting a child around the head and causing damage is high.

Your dad hitting your son is unacceptable and I’m not condoning that however if you refuse to stop your son / tell your child off for doing something wrong then I’m sorry but you are a bad parent. Harsh but true. Smacking children is a no no as far as I’m concerned but children need guidance from parents. They need to know right from wrong and yes that starts from an early age otherwise your son will be a complete disrespectful nightmare when older.

I think the toys aspect is not what we need to focus on here. At 2 years old the child is going to do something 'naughty' at some point, his grandfather's reaction is to hit him on the head. Not appropriate no matter what.

I think you need to stop your child from touching things that other people don't want him touching in situation like this. My husband has model cars and they are on display at our house and definitely not toys. Kids do learn with consistency what they can/can't touch.

Now that aside.......... your dad hit your child........ on the head!! And not even an older child, a 2 year old! WTF - No one would get a chance to explain that to me. No explanation is good enough. None!

Tell them to fuk off. My brother tried to pull similar shit to your sister on me last xmas. My Mum wanted us to come for xmas but refused to separate her gazillion untrained dogs from my children. I said I wouldn't come and my brother got in on it and told me I was being ridiculous and that he would never talk to me again if I didn't come to xmas............. I haven't spoken to him since then. My job is to keep my kids safe, not to keep my family happy.

Anyone who wont/can't keep my kids safe is not welcome in our lives.

He hit your child ON THE HEAD?!?!?!?!?!

It's bad enough he hit him at all, but NEVER on the head - it is far to easy to seriously injure a little brain like that - even a slap can ricochet a small skull backwards.

TBH, I would never speak to him again - ever. I think that you shouldn't have allowed your DS to mess with your dad's stuff, but that doesn't excuse him raising his hand to a child.

Tell your sisters you have nothing to apologise for. They are obviously of the "it didn't do me any harm" brigade - but anyone who thinks it's acceptable do something like this has been harmed - they just don't realise it because it seems like a normal thing to them.

Tell your sister that you'll be sorry to miss her wedding, but there is no way that you are going to be in contact youth your dad again. You'll be polite to him if you meet him at family get-togethers, but he has sunk any chances of a relationship.

You must protect your children.

OP, We crossposted, I just saw your reply.
Stop blaming yourself, you are doing the right thing. Stop listening to the people taking the side of a grown man who thinks hitting tiny children , then lying is acceptable,

Abusers look really normal to the outside world, they make their victims look irrational and at fault IF anything bad happened to them.

Be strong, you are doing the right thing. Hang in there, it’s hard at first but the peace in the end is so worth it .

I feel 100% that's it my fault, thanks fot the ones being blunt. they are toys and didn't want my son to me confused and didn't want him to play not with toys again. That what was happening I was telling him no, not to touch the toys then we would go home and he would look at me for approval to play. I couldn't do that to him, I hated he was wary to play with his own toys.

Thank you everyone else for being so kind, I hate myself for what had happened.

I know he was hit, because when my son falls over or anything like that I have to kiss him better even though there is nothing there, when my dad smacked him he looked shocked and confused to what happened- something happened to him that has never happen before and he didn't know what to do... That is how I know. I know my own son!!

Just read the rest of these posts.

It is not your fault that your dad hit your child.......... by the way, he did not smack him......... he hit him.

Even if you told your child not to touch stuff he would still touch it when you are not looking........... he is two!

No adult should ever react like that to a child.......... never ever ever and that is 100% on him!!

Your Dad is 100% in the wrong here, stay strong OP

OP having grow up in a family where violence was normal and where my siblings still dance to the same tune, I can tell you that the best thing you can ever do for your child and yourself is to cut the lot of them out. It's hard at first because it's your normal but honestly, once you're free you'll never regret it.

Blimey! 2 yr old goes round grandads house, many toys all displayed to him on shelves within reach and you’re meant to teach him not to touch them!? I am a very strict old fashioned mum, but that’s that’s expecting a bit much! A 2 yr old needs to be watched & engaged to prevent them getting into mischief.
No, I think you have 2 choices. If you keep contact with your DF you HAVE to ensure he is NEVER alone with the kids, so he does not ever hit them again. This was not a light slap, and hitting round the head is a dangerous thing to do to a child. To do this is a tall order though. Can you ensure it won’t hapoen again if you pop out the room for a few seconds? The alternative is to cut off or minimise contact. You need to prioritise your child - exactly as you have done and all credit to you for standing up to him and your sister.-

Re: the TOYS, they are TOYS!!! What kind of a grandfather would keep TOYS but not allow a 2 year old grandson to play with them?!! Surely, they are there for him to play with ?
A 2 year old does not have the capacity yet to understand. If they were fragile ornaments for adults, then maybe - but even then, I would move them out of the room rather than expect a toddler to know what he can and cannot play with.
In my view it is actually emotionally abusive to put a load of toys on the shelves then NOT allow a child to touch them.. how incredibly mean.
You have done nothing wrong.

He is a sick, mean, abusive man and best out of your life. Sending hugs.