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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dad smacked my son

187 replies

Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 09:57

Hi first time posting. Sorry if its long. I feel like I have no one to actually talk to and I am really upset.

When I was a child my mum left when I was little, she took two children with her and left two behind. Over the years the kids would swap which parent they was leaving with, it was horrible as I had a horrible childhood because which ever child lived with my dad he would smack, starve and beat us up (we never told anyone) he did it so no one knew. When my mum eventually found out what my dad was doing to us she got us from his house. I moved to my mums then after a few years I couldn't stand living with her so I choose to live with my dad again even if it meant he beat Me, to my surprise he was a changed man (that's what I thought) he was nice, loving and never layed a hand on me.

I got pregnant 3 years ago, as it was my first time pregnant they asked alot of questions, they found out what my dad was like when I was a child. The social workers got involved and put paperwork in place so my dad could still see my son but under supervision- me or my husband has to be there.

So about three weeks ago we went out for our usually Wednesday visit, my son is 2 half now and can be a bit of a handful in town. We was all there me, my dad, my son and two month old daughter. We all went back to my dad's, my son was running room to room.

My dad has toys on a lots of shelves and he hates my son touching them, I won't tell my son off for touching them as they are toys and I aint confusing him as it isn't far on him.
I was feeding my daughter and my son was in the kitchen with my dad only because he was running in and out the living room like he had ants in his pants, we heard my dad tell him off for touching something next minute we all heard a smack. Then my son came to me holding his head. my dad hit my son.

I remember that sound. I thought I'd give him a chance to explain so I asked my dad why my son is holding his head. He said he hit is head on a box in the kitchen, it was definitely not in the kitchen.
I stopped speaking to my dad and he text me a week later I ignored him then I finally texted him back explaining why I haven't been speaking to him, he texted back with a different story to what he explained what happen when I asked him on the day, he now saying my son hit is on a a tray when he tried grabbing it off him and then he said he hit on with the tray when he was taking it off him. I haven't spoken to him since as his story keeps changing. I know hand in heart he smacked my son around head, just like he did when I was little.

now my sisters are trying to make me speak to him again, I can't. Since it has happened I have been having flash backs, I haven't stopped crying since
My sisters are on his side, saying I should apologise and speak to him again. I have just found out I aint allowed to go to my sisters wedding and she doesn't want to see my children as she will find it hard to spend time with them and then see my dad. Can't believe they are choosing him after everything he has done. Past and present
Really sorry for the long story. I'm so upset 😭

OP posts:
Leaannb · 08/10/2019 19:37

I have not said a thing to make you feel like shit and I have read all the comments. Especially the one when you said you didn't tell him not to touch because ot confuses him. Its called consistancy. Each and every time tell him no. Not just when its conveient for you. Many grandparents buy things for their grandchildren that are meant to be seen and not touched. Which I admit is total bullshit. You know how your father is about this shelf of toys and you still didnt tell him no because they were his toys.....But they aren't. They are your father's and he gets to decide who touches them. You jave to be consistant

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2019 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Armadillostoes · 08/10/2019 19:38

Leannb you are derailing the thread by going on at length about a secondary issue, and deflecting attention away from the fundamental problem. Whether or not the OP should take a different approach to parenting has got nothing to do with the imperative to resist her family and keep this abusive monster away from her toddler DS.

Original poster
Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 19:40

@lynettescavo
Trust me he is never ever seeing my children again or me, I have made sure the social services know this.
I have told both of my sisters to delete my number as they are choosing him rather keep seeing their own niece and nephew. my children are better of without them

OP posts:
theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 19:42

Many grandparents buy things for their grandchildren that are meant to be seen and not touched

They really don't, well not decent ones anyway!

theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 19:44

@Jlpwife well done, he sounds vile from the upbringing you had, to the "do not touch my toys from a supposedly grown man, to hitting your child.

All round vile all of those actions.

Keep strong don't let your sisters or father bully you.

babyrefusesfood · 08/10/2019 19:48

@Leaannb actually, it’s called ‘consistency’. And you are what’s known as ‘one of THOSE mils’. I wonder how close you are to your grandchildren.....

Again, op, ignore the idiots.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2019 19:55

Ah, is saying there are bitches on the thread counted a personal attack?

Because there are some jolly unkind people posting on this thread.

Bloody love it when I get deleted.

clickymad · 08/10/2019 19:55

There's lots of hideous people on this thread that I hope to god don't have their own kids.

Nonnymum · 08/10/2019 19:57

Stay away from your father and your sisters too if they won't back you up. Your father sounds terrible. Hitting a 2 year old on the head is awful and a good grandparent wouldn't have toys on a shelf and shout at their 2 year old grandchild when they go to touch them. He sounds like a horrible man and not someone you can trust near your children.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2019 19:59

I'll go as far as saying there are vile posters on this thread. Because there really are.

And I give the OP a virtual hug. Because against the odds she's doing great, even if she doesn't know it.

carly2803 · 08/10/2019 20:01

"You failed your son by not teaching him how to behave with other people’s things, and you failed him again by keeping him around a man you know is abusive. Not sure what advise you want here." this what teddy bear said

i totally agree. get as far away from your family aspossible

also teach your son boundaries. i have things i dont want children having, i say no, simples.

Original poster
Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 20:05

@lynettescavo

Thank you for being kind, most of the people on here have helped but some have made me feel so bad. I feel bad enough as it is, I gave my dad a chance and he hurt my son. yeah some posts are right I should have told him off a bit more for touching toys but I had enough being the bad person telling him off for toys. So I told me dad from now on if he doesn't want the toys to be touch he tells him "no"

I can't look at my son and not cry. I cant believe I did that to him, put him in a place for him to be hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jlpwife · 08/10/2019 20:08

@carly2803
I know I have failed him, I gave my dad a second chance as I thought he was a changed man, he got on well with my son and never shown any signs. Until three weeks go. The toys was brought for my son originally.

I wish you people would read the comments before making my feel even worse than I already feel.

OP posts:
Celticrose · 08/10/2019 20:30

Op You have most certainly done the right thing by cutting contact and breaking the abuse cycle as far as your little family is concerned. Well done on talking to SS and getting the proper support. Totally unacceptable of your father to do what he did. Tbh it seems a bit passive aggressive to buy his grandson toys put them on a shelf and then not allow him to touch them. Was he setting him up to be hit? From what you have said about him he seems capable of it.
Ignore the comments about teaching him not to touch. Also you were in another room so a normal gp would have gently steered him away and said no do not touch not hit him around the head.

@Leaannb So you actually banned your dil and gs from your house until your gs had been taught not to touch your precious things. A dil who was effectively a single parent whose dh was in a war zone being shot at who could have been coming home in a coffin. Who would have been really worried about him.

I have no words tbh.

Leaannb · 08/10/2019 20:44

What do ypu mean by one of those MILs....The expectectation for a parent to teach their child manners and not mess up stuff that doesn't belong to them? Protect the investment and time my other children/dh has spent building these items. Im very close to my grandchildren. All of them. I pick up my grandchildren from school at the same time as I do my other children and babysit them every night. Im room mom in 2 of grandchildren's classes. Of course 2 of my own children are in thise same classes. Just because I expect all the children in my house to behave the same.

So heres my question.....Just for giggles. My 16 yo son has a 700 dollar millienium falcon lego set that took him weeks to build and he bought himself am I suppose to let my grandchildren destroy it because its a "toy"? Of course not. Which is why I told Dil to keep her 2 yo away until she can do a better job of teaching her child.

hannah1992 · 08/10/2019 20:45

He shouldnt have hit him and I fully agree with you because I would keep away too.

I will say though. My dad has toy cars. They're the vintage type in boxes. My girls are absolutely not allowed to touch them. We make very clear that they are not toys.

Anonmummyoftwo · 08/10/2019 20:52

Honestly i would tell your sisters to go fuck. As for your dad id block him. Change your number. If social have it set up that hes not to be unsupervised its because they knew he was a danger. If you forgive him now hel do it again and your kids will resent you for putting them in danger with him.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/10/2019 20:59

Well done OP.
It will get easier your sister's will eventually face reality, your strength may encourage them to see his true colours.
I don't know how anyone on this thread can justify blaming a 2.5 year old, there is nothing a toddler could do to justify a wallop in the head Ever.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 08/10/2019 21:04

Leannb...when youcare an old old lady, all alone with no loving family around you because you alienated them all, you'll be glad to have your Lego models to stroke and hug . They'll make frat company at Christmas .

Armadillostoes · 08/10/2019 21:04

Leaannb-You are STILL intent on shifting the focus away from the grandfather's culpability and wittering on about your precious toys, and complaining about your poor DIL.

Have you missed the point that the OP's parenting has been directly influenced by the abuse she suffered at the hands of this man? Why are you so obsessed with criticising someone who deserves some support in reassurance?

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 21:08

You've made the right decision, well done. I certainly wouldn't criticise you for giving your dad another chance, you thought he'd changed. He's a violent fool and the attitude of your siblings is unbelievable.

It's all over now.

I hope you have some good friends in real life, Jlp.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 08/10/2019 21:09

So heres my question.....Just for giggles. My 16 yo son has a 700 dollar millienium falcon lego set that took him weeks to build and he bought himself am I suppose to let my grandchildren destroy it because its a "toy"? Of course not. Which is why I told Dil to keep her 2 yo away until she can do a better job of teaching her child.

I'd say what an horrendous waste of money on a toy! It's plastic bricks your child could spend money much more sensibly, I'd be appalled at much child spending that much money on something that literally cost pennies to make.

MrMeSeeks · 08/10/2019 21:18

I think you’ve done the right thing if you’re sure your dad did this.
Unfortunately this sadly may also mean you lose a sister, unless you can agree to disagree in regards to your dad? ( obviously avoid the wedding, but can you two have a relationship separate from your dad?)
I’d prob have little words with your little one about touching, ( probably not right away though after this as you both need some time).
I second that have your thought about counselling also? May help you get through this tough time, and sort out your tough child hood.

Superfoodie123 · 08/10/2019 21:41

You've done the right thing OP, I was hit as a child and I know the scars run deep.

I really don't get why some of these posters are making such a big deal about the toddler touching these toys! He's a 2 year old, they don't tend to listen anyway and she's also got a small baby, what's wrong with some of you judgemental people, it's not even important. Toddlers touch things!!

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