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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think you don't have to share a piece of cake

999 replies

WaxMeltHoarder · 08/10/2019 09:24

We went to visit PILs over the weekend. On the way, we stopped at a nearby town which has a regular-and very good-artisan market. We bought a heap of food to take to PILs for a nice lunch, and DD, age 12, bought herself a piece of cake from one of the stalls. This cake has apparently been all the rage amongst local children, it has been all over local social media. It's basically a rose gold themed cake piled high with sweets and icing. £3 for a small slice but DD bought it with her own money.

We went to PILs, had lunch, DD then ate her cake. All good.

Later, as we were leaving, MIL said "thank you for bringing lunch, it was lovely" FIL then said "yes and maybe next time DD will have learned to share her cake, instead of stuffing it all herself"

I laughed it off and said "oh well, good luck getting a twelve year old girl to share anything with sugar in it" and FIL got really ratty, saying "well I'm afraid she should be made to share, I couldn't believe it when I saw her sitting there, eating that cake without offering it around"

DH at this point said "Eh, it was one slice, and she bought it herself" FIL huffed a bit and we left.

AIBU to think this is bonkers? A box of chocolates yes, but surely nobody expects to share one slice of cake? If everyone had had some, there would have been none for DD!

OP posts:
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7
MonstranceClock · 10/10/2019 13:34

Well, I’m glad I don’t have you lot as friends! Such a drama over literally nothing.

notso · 10/10/2019 13:34

Agreed. I am perplexed by the people on this thread who find this normal and unremarkable.
Me too. I have a feeling on a different thread FIL had eaten a slice of cake to himself in the company of his family the responses would have been different.
I seem to recall a thread about a Brother or Brother in Law regularly popping in and among other annoyances he brought take aways he would eat to himself and he was deemed a greedy twat.

MarshaBradyo · 10/10/2019 13:38

Most answers are as they are because it wasn’t by herself. If it had been then maybe different responses.

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 13:39

Yeah I remember that BIL @notso. Firstly, he was an adult, secondly the "other annoyances" were quite serious iirc, which meant people were slagging him off, thirdly a takeaway is an entire meal. Really weird to routinely bring an entire meal to someone else's house to eat it, when they might not be eating a meal. The 12yo dd in this op brought a single piece of cake, once, to eat at her gp's house, while everyone else was eating cake anyway and had already had a full meal. So different.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 13:51

So you’d rather cut short a walk than share your lunch?

MCP86 · 10/10/2019 13:52

BertrandRussell
and you wouldn’t say to your friend “Do you fancy a Jaffa cake?”

Well I certainly wouldn't be offering haffa cakes, i hate them!
But if i was successful on my hunt for something sweet (and had enough to share), i may offer, or friend may ask.

I dont think there is anything wrong in offering food. I just dont understand the entitlement that food must always be offered/shared and that people are not allowed to enjoy some things to themselves.

notso · 10/10/2019 13:53

That's my point though @FeckOffGraham some people are saying that it's really not weird and that those who think it is are uptight or Victorian or Hyacinth Bucket.
Ok you can pick apart and compare various details in various situations but they boil down to one person eating in front of others.
You say she's only 12 but 12 in my eyes is old enough to have a decent grasp of good manners.
Yes, she's at her grandparents but I don't share the idea that they shouldn't be afforded the same level of politeness as anyone else

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 13:54

I knew what I wanted to do and I wanted to spend all my time working towards that.

I always envy people who have that sense of purpose pinkyy. I wandered through life taking one job after another but not finding my passion until I was in my forties.

DarlingNikita · 10/10/2019 13:59

Ok you can pick apart and compare various details in various situations but they boil down to one person eating in front of others.

No they really don't Confused It's not 'picking apart' to point out that one person eating a full meal without offering to pick some up for/share with anyone else is very different from one person eating one thing while others eat other –very similar –things.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 13:59

The voting button doesn’t change does it , I accidentally pressed it ages ago and the percentage is stuck on 94

It would depend how many votes have been cast. A single vote in over 3,000 is unlikely to immediately increase the percentage.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 14:02

Anyone who sees nuance in situations isn’t going to use the “Vote” button!

mummmy2017 · 10/10/2019 14:04

So do you intend to play pass the pudding , one bite pass it right, so everyone gets some of every pudding....

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 14:06

No

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 14:07

So you’d rather cut short a walk than share your lunch?

Confused that's not at all what I said, is it?

To recap, I said, if I didn't have lunch with me and my friend only had a small lunch for one with her, I'd go hungry and be fine with it for one meal. I'd wait till I got home and have lunch there. Half a sandwich and half an apple, really isn't going to make enough difference to me that I'd cut my walk short, if I was looking forward to it.

You asked then, what if your friend was the one who forgot hers?

So, trying again to answer your question here; if my friend and I had met up for a country walk and said we will each bring our own lunch and we had each made a single portion lunch, like maybe a sandwich and an apple each, with a bottle of water. We arrive at our destination and lo and behold, friend has accidentally left her lunch behind.

Are we assuming that the walk is long enough that we couldn't just forget about it and have lunch together afterwards, as I said I would if I didn't have mine with me? If not, that would be one option.

If that is not possible, then I'd say should go for a walk via a pub / cafe and buy lunch there.

In that case, I'd just leave my lunch in my cool box or wherever and eat it for tea later.

If budget was an issue, I'd say, we'll buy lunch for one at a cafe or pub and share the two lunches between us. That's another option.

If friend said no to both of those options, I'd say fuck it, let's go home, have lunch at mine / yours and we'll do the walk later or another day.

If we were so far from home that we couldn't do that, then we were a bit silly for coming out somewhere where we couldn't procure any food with nothing with us other than a sandwich, an apple and a bottle of water each in the first place.

If we had EXTRA lunch, then we'd share that.

But this^^ scenario is indeed, to use your phrase bertrand, a strawman argument and is nothing at all like the op, so I'm not entirely sure where this whole discussion is going...

MarshaBradyo · 10/10/2019 14:08

It was more a question does it change after you’ve voted? It may well not have changed due to percentage.

I don’t believe in the voting button ; but no point in it if it’s not updated

TheGoogleMum · 10/10/2019 14:08

Yanbu, but it is maybe rude to eat something not for sharing in front of others. In laws definately overreacting though

notso · 10/10/2019 14:10

No they really don't It's not 'picking apart' to point out that one person eating a full meal without offering to pick some up for/share with anyone else is very different from one person eating one thing while others eat other –very similar –things.
I'm referring to the other different scenarios and examples people have given based on how the initial post read to some people before OP said everyone had cake DarlingNikita

MarshaBradyo · 10/10/2019 14:12

But since you’re all saying 94 it must be percentage thing

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 14:13

Yes Marsha, 94% of 3343 voters in total.

mummmy2017 · 10/10/2019 14:16

I just think it is greedy to eat cake and sweets given to you as a treat , then moan about the fact that a child had the one she choose and paid for. The DD did not eat any other cake from the box and the FIL was showing far worse bad manners in his entitled attitude.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 14:18

“I just think it is greedy to eat cake and sweets given to you as a treat , then moan about the fact that a child had the one she choose and paid for. “

I agree. I think everyone on the thread does.

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 14:23

Ok you can pick apart and compare various details in various situations but they boil down to one person eating in front of others.

Ah but you see @notso, I am one of those who sees nuance, just like oor bertrand 🧐 Grin. It's never as simple as you mortals think. You couldn't possibly understand .

JOKING!

But yes, you are over simplifying. Eating food in front of people on its own isn't rude. Unless you do it in maybe Dubai when everyone is fasting.

Even if you mean to say "eating in front of people you know is rude", I still think you're wrong.

I wouldn't like my annoying BIL to show up twice a week with a smelly takeaway though and eat it in my living room when I'm trying to put the kids to bed though. That has nothing to do with not being able to handle someone eating in front of me. I am a waitress PT, so that's just as well really 😂. Imagining me flying across the restaurant to stop some poor diner from eating their meal without offering some to me first 😂😂😂😂😂.

notso · 10/10/2019 14:31

Even if you mean to say "eating in front of people you know is rude", I still think you're wrong.
So indulge me,
OP her DH and DD go to the market with FIL.
They all buy food for lunch but no desserts. FIL wanders off and buys himself a slice of the instagram cake.
They eat lunch and afterwards FIL pulls out his cake and eats it all to himself.
There is nothing sweet for anyone else.
Is the FIL rude or not?

MCP86 · 10/10/2019 14:38

notso
I met my Mum for a coffee yesterday and asked what she wanted to drink. I fancied a toasted tea cake so asked if she wanted anything to eat too. It wouldn't occur to me not to, I'd feel really impolite. She said no thanks and I still asked her if she wanted some of my tea cake when I'd sat down.

So what if the roles were reversed, your mum was buying/eating and you declined.
After sitting diwn with her tea cake, she doesnt offer some. would you have thought she was rude?

Wonkybanana · 10/10/2019 14:38

Is the FIL rude or not?

Yes he his. But the key point of your fictional scenario is that there is no dessert bought for anyone else. Which isn't what happened in this real life instance.

Also - I do believe that there is a difference between a grown man doing it, and a 12 year old.

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