Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think you don't have to share a piece of cake

999 replies

WaxMeltHoarder · 08/10/2019 09:24

We went to visit PILs over the weekend. On the way, we stopped at a nearby town which has a regular-and very good-artisan market. We bought a heap of food to take to PILs for a nice lunch, and DD, age 12, bought herself a piece of cake from one of the stalls. This cake has apparently been all the rage amongst local children, it has been all over local social media. It's basically a rose gold themed cake piled high with sweets and icing. £3 for a small slice but DD bought it with her own money.

We went to PILs, had lunch, DD then ate her cake. All good.

Later, as we were leaving, MIL said "thank you for bringing lunch, it was lovely" FIL then said "yes and maybe next time DD will have learned to share her cake, instead of stuffing it all herself"

I laughed it off and said "oh well, good luck getting a twelve year old girl to share anything with sugar in it" and FIL got really ratty, saying "well I'm afraid she should be made to share, I couldn't believe it when I saw her sitting there, eating that cake without offering it around"

DH at this point said "Eh, it was one slice, and she bought it herself" FIL huffed a bit and we left.

AIBU to think this is bonkers? A box of chocolates yes, but surely nobody expects to share one slice of cake? If everyone had had some, there would have been none for DD!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MCP86 · 10/10/2019 09:10

You can want something just because somebody else has it!
And then call them names because they won't give it to you!

phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2019 09:17

I bet FIL would have complained regardless.

If he was offered it, he likely would have taken a big portion leaving his gd gutted and complain about her attitude about it.

If he was offered it and she gave him a small portion, he likely would have complained about the size.

He didn’t offer any of his nor did anyone else (correct me if this wasn’t the case), yet expects his gd to offer hers. Where was his manners then? Why is she expected to offer hers while no one else offered theirs?

BeefTomato · 10/10/2019 09:33

I disagree that manners are the same anywhere.

If I was at an acquaintance's house I wouldn't dream of asking if I could go and have a lie down because I had a headache. I wouldn't think twice about it at my nan's house. Similarly, if I was at my sister's I might ask her to pass along her dress to me when she was bored of it. I wouldn't ask my boss's wife the same thing.

You can be a lot more casual around your family. It's not disrespect, it's because you're (hopefully) more relaxed around each other.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 09:33

You can want something just because somebody else has it!

You can. I want cake. Every morning that this thread is still here, I want cake.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 09:33

“ Serious question....
You would be upset/jealous/think your friend was a dick if they had something you didnt have?”
Serious answer. No. But I would think they were a bit of a dick if they got out something like cake and ate it in front of me if I didn’t have a cake of my own

MCP86 · 10/10/2019 09:36

lottiegarbanzo
you can. I want cake. Every morning that this thread is still here, I want cake

And that's fine, but fo you then take claim and demand somebody else's cake and call them rude for not giving it to you?

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 09:37

Think yourself lucky- I’ve got to make 200 cupcakes today!

glueandstick · 10/10/2019 09:41

Ive only got to page 8 but I really want to see this cake / find IG pics of it.

Who knows where this has got to by now but I think your FIL sounds like a twat.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 09:43

Oh Bert, I was really hoping for a large slice of carrot cake today. Cake

A cupcake would be better than nothing though, if you insist. I have coffee, or can make Brew ?

CasanovaFrankenstein · 10/10/2019 09:52

Can't believe how people are contorting themselves to argue that a 12 year old who bought her own dessert to eat when other people were eating theirs, was selfish.

And you can't say that "in my family/house/culture it's normal/expected" to share because this is something that's going to vary so much - you can't apply norms from your specific experience to another family because their norms will be different. This is why it can sometimes be awkward at someone else's house if you don't know their 'rules'.

If this family don't usually offer around food in this way, why on earth would she be expected to? Grandad has previous for eating more than his fair share of someone else's treat, he sounds massively entitled and I'd be wondering how much of this is wanting the sweet encrusted cake and how much is just tedious "big I am" behaviour.

Aderyn19 · 10/10/2019 09:54

Your fil is a really horrible person. I would be completely minimising the amount of time he was anywhere near my children.
I also think that he had guests and ought to have contributed to the lunch.

derxa · 10/10/2019 09:57

He really didn’t did he op?? He took a bite, you don’t need to open your mouth as wide as you can to eat a biscuit 🙄
You're not suggesting this is a work of fiction are you? Wink

MCP86 · 10/10/2019 10:24

BertrandRussell
serious answer. No. But I would think they were a bit of a dick if they got out something like cake and ate it in front of meif I didn’t have a cake of my own

Sorry, me again 😬

If they offered, would you accept?

What if you had something else of your own to eat, would friend still be considered a dick for not offering or sharing?

What is it about a cake being ate in front of you thats unacceptable and rude?

Clavinova · 10/10/2019 10:31

But there WAS cake for everyone! FIL had a slice of chocolate raspberry torte.

The FIL is unlikely to have eaten the chocolate raspberry torte - this was just an example of what was in the patisserie box. If he had eaten the torte, the op would have said so. Perhaps that's the problem - the FIL really wanted the chocolate raspberry torte (or another 'adult' cake) and he took his annoyance out on the child. I still have a niggling doubt about the existence of the patisserie box as it wasn't mentioned in the op. Perhaps the FIL doesn't like fudge. Grin

This cake has apparently been all the rage amongst local children, it has been all over local social media.

This doesn't seem very plausible. I can easily believe 12 year olds trying to outdo each other with photos of yummy cakes they've eaten - but one particular cake in vogue? The cake was purchased from the artisan market on the way to the grandparents' house - did the dd's friends all travel to this town as well? So it seems to me that either the op or her dd felt the need to 'make something up' to 'justify' the purchase of the cake. Also, if the op was buying dessert for everyone why did the dd have to buy her own?

"oh well, good luck getting a twelve year old girl to share anything with sugar in it"

This was an unfortunate thing to say - the op made the situation more awkward for her dd.

Snoopdogsbitch · 10/10/2019 10:32

Thanks for that answer Pinkyy it's most heartening to hear that more travelling children are being given choices. You have personally achieved so much seeing that you had no home tutoring or home schooling. It's much, much harder to learn on your own with limited resources. Bravo to you. Do you ever wonder what life may be like if you pursued a more academic life and career, because you sound as if you could succeed in this?

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 10:37

“ What is it about a cake being ate in front of you thats unacceptable and rude?”
I said “cake or something like that” to stop the torrent of “well, would you expect a friend to share her Ferrari?” type strawmen!

CasanovaFrankenstein · 10/10/2019 10:37

It says in the first post that they bought a 'heap of food' for lunch. Nothing is specified beyond that. But it's clarified a few posts later that patisserie & fudge were part of this.

expatinspain · 10/10/2019 10:41

For me, the “rules” are for everywhere. Gentle courtesy is and important thing.
It really does depend. Of course you should say please and thank you and have basic manners no matter where you are, but in the case the OP is talking about you just sound upright and a bit strange. It's her grandparents house, effectively a home from home, or so it should be. With my relatives there are plenty of things I would do that I wouldn't do in the house of a acquaintance or colleague etc. I would put my feet on the sofa while watching a film (without shoes of course), help myself to a drink from the fridge, stick the telly on, have a nap if I was ill or tired, none of which I would do at someone's house who I didn't have a close, relaxed relationship. So 'rules' are clearly dependent on the situation for 99.9% of people.

glueandstick · 10/10/2019 10:51

WHERE CAN I FIND A PIC OF THE CAKE?! 😂😂Grin

DarlingNikita · 10/10/2019 10:58

Not sure why anyone would have assumed there was cake for all
Because to assume otherwise is to immediately jump to the conclusion that no one else had cake and the DD was being rude and inconsiderate by eating hers alone.

Like I said, assuming the worst and desperate to be affronted rather than assuming the best/most innocent scenario.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2019 11:04

Did someone ask for cake?

To think you don't have to share a piece of cake
SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 11:20

it’d have been better for DD to take the cake home for later, or for all the sweet stuff to be shared.

Really?

ALL sweet stuff to be shared?

So there was at least five people there - OP+spouse+DD and GF+GM (there may have been more)

Do you REALLY think that each cake should have been cut into 5+ pieces to ensure that every got a bit of everything?

God give me strength!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 11:24

Snoop - I agree with your response to pinkyy

Pinkyy - you say you had no further education opportunities, but it's obvious from your posts that you are vey intelligent (maybe a bit obsessed with your own culture, but aren't we all . . . Grin). You would have done well academically if that's what you had set your mind to.

Pinkyyy · 10/10/2019 12:02

@Snoopdogsbitch Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. I was indeed very bright when I was in education and my parents encouraged me to stay in school but I had another passion which I pursued and became extremely successful in. Sadly for me it was like living a double life, my professional life and my personal one, and it became too much. I couldn't have both because it just didn't work and so I gave up my career to have the life I lead now. I love my life and I loved my career when I had it, but couldn't have done it forever so I feel happy.

@SchadenfreudePersonified I'd say that was a fair statement, I maybe am a bit too obsessed sometimesGrin. I do believe I would have but I never had the right attitude to education, probably because I knew what I wanted to do and I wanted to spend all my time working towards that.

notso · 10/10/2019 12:16

MCP86
Serious question if your at home with your family and someone you knew rang and said "Get the kettle on MCP86, I'm nearly at your house and I've got us some lunch for us all"
You all eat the lunch.
Then they bring out a single piece of cake and eat it all in front of you and your kids/husband/wife/whoever lives in your house you wouldn't think, that's a bit of an odd thing to do?

Before anyone says anything I am aware OP said it didn't happen like that and there was more than one cake. My situation is hypothetical.

Swipe left for the next trending thread