Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?

[Afternoonlemonandhoney]

What level of contact are you happy with...?
Aibu or have reason to worry?
They meet a couple of hours a week for the lessons (on a one to one basis) There is nothing particularly incriminating.
He looks like enjoying her classes a lot but there's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have had this type of relationship with a few male colleagues in the past.
I met her once only by chance and she is very pretty! He has her email address but also her WhatsApp.
We've been together for more than 10 years, 1 kid. Things are ok between us as far as I'm aware.
Perhaps I'm just jealous of her and their meetings about his new challenge/hobby of learning French. We have a cottage in France and visit there frequently.

I think nothing to worry.

Good that someone who has property in France is learning the language.

Is your husband irresistible? Do women regularly find themselves unable to control themselves around him? Do you think he's probably the hottest fella that the tutor tutors and she has never tutored anyone really hot before and she's conflicted?

I would expect any tutor to have thrir clients phone number. Email is fine but sometimes a text is needed if a message needs to be shared instantly. I might only check my emails a couple of times a week.

You need to discuss this with him. People are often told to "trust their gut" and if your gut is telling you something is not right then you should address it. You may bf completely off the mark. Or you might snap him back to reality where he realises the sexy French tutor is just a fantasy. He might fancy her. But you can't stop him admiring her. She won't be the first person he has admired in your time together.

So, so many insecure, jealous and controlling women on mumsnet. And in real life, sadly.

He's learning French. With a professional. Who is doing her job. And even if they become friends - so what? He is allowed to have friends.

Seriously, some of you lot would be right at home in the Taliban, with your seeming belief that any woman is just going to steal your husband away with her sneaky feminine wiles. And that those poor men will be defenseless against her all-powerful French boobies.

Seriously, get a grip. It is not okay for anybody to police their partner's interactions with the opposite sex. If you believe you have a right to do this, you should not be in a relationship. Full stop.

The other thing this shows, once again, is how much monogamy fetishism is a way to waste women's time. If you're encouraged to fret constantly about Keeping Your Man Happy then you don't get the chance to develop your career or your other interests or just be happy: it's all about the worrying, the spying, the dreaming up cunning plans to 'test' him...
FFS. Men are replaceable, after all. Get a hobby.

SlightlyMisplaced, true. However, my situation was the reverse. XH wanted to police my dealings with the tutor in the situation I outlined earlier.

With good reason. If you are being lied to, or told a partial truth, it's not unreasonable to want to find out more. Though it can be hard if the other two parties aren't even admitting to themselves that you have anything to worry about.

As I said earlier, what actually matters in a case like this is the state of a couple's marriage. If it's a good marriage, friendships / professional relationships with other people of the opposite sex will remain just that. If it's a rocky marriage, there's a good chance they will stray into EA/physical affair territory. Only the people involved in the OP's scenario know what state their marriages are in (I say this in the plural because I can't remember if she's said whether the French tutor is married or not).

Afternoonlemonandhoney

This whole thread people have been responding to your description in the OP. Why are you only correcting it now? (Although 2×2 hours a week is still within the bounds of normal for tutoring.)

Nobdie I think that social context matters a lot. Men and women do not have the same experiences in life or the same baggage to deal with. I don't expect that man who tutored your son spends much time worrying about his physical safety when he meets female clients alone for the first time. You had been employing him to tutor your son, but did you feel you were entitled to him beyond that?

Female tutors operate, like all women, against a cultural backdrop of gender-related expectations, so they work harder on boundaries. A male tutor who takes their relationship with a client into the personal realm doesn't have the same level of worry that their new date can't/won't separate previous money paid for tutoring from the relationship now.

So you're worried your husband will develop an affair with a woman he spends 4hrs a week with?

I'd better tell my DH to be on his guard, after all I spend 30+ hrs a week with our 20yr old office apprentice........

You’re going to drive him
Away with your own insecurities. Be careful OP. Jealousy where there is nothing to be jealous about is insane.

JamieVardy, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say here...

Perhaps I'm thinking on a slightly less theoretical plane. My thoughts are this:

Man and woman, generally similar in background, outlook, interests, start to spend one-on-one time together, for whatever reason. They start to find one another increasingly amusing, attractive, good company. If everything else is ok, they will just enjoy this, say 'see you next time', and go home with no further thought. But if their other relationships are awry, it is more or less inevitable that it will lead to something else. When it comes to wanting to shag someone, I rather think that cultural backdrops and gender-related expectations fly out of the window. Attraction is more powerful than this.

Honestly, I find it odd that it would cross your mind that you would think one-on-one language lessons are dodgy. If you thought the lessons were a lie and he was actually just meeting someone for an affair, ok, but it seems that you know he is having lessons but just think a man and a woman meeting alone, even for professional reasons, is dodgy. Unless you're Mike Pence, I think you need to evaluate why you feel that way - whether it's something in your husband's behaviour or something in yourself. Because there is definitely nothing wrong with women doing jobs that involve them interacting with men, or indeed men doing jobs that involve them interacting with women!!

I also think those who are saying "I work with a 20 y o boy and I'd be offended if anyone said I wanted to shag him" are being disingenuous. There is a universe of difference between that situation and the situation the OP describes. It is, of course, entirely possible that the teacher is married/doesn't find the husband remotely interesting or amusing or entertaining, and doesn't give him a single second's thought (for all we know, he's a cycling addict with bad breath). I just wouldn't write off the OP's concerns as insecurity and paranoia.

I do 12 hour shifts in an ambulance with men, we chat about everything and anything. We go through very stressful situations together and sometimes, shock horror, we give each other a hug afterwards. Some people end up having affairs but it’s because that’s the type of person they are. I’ve found some of the men( and women) I work with attractive but I manage not to have an affair with them because I’m not that type of person.

NobdieTheNob

This isn't theoretical. Personal safety, sexual violence and so on aren't "theoretical". These things shape how we relate to each other!

Female tutors tend to shag clients a lot less than male ones. I know a few stories about male tutors across multiple disciplines who mixed work and pleasure (but not as many stories as I do about male tutors who never do so). They have more to lose. If she is unhappy in her personal life, this "very pretty" woman has other options than the OP's husband, that don't have the baggage of "as he's been a prompt payer for tutoring this week, do I buy the drinks or him?"

The situations aren't as comparable as you would think, and the French tutor is not going to be up for grabs to the first bloke who develops a crush on her. She's probably got multiple clients, so this isn't a special relationship on her end.

I wouldn't go assuming they have the same interests, either. Fluent speakers of two languages (presumably passionate enough about language itself to have achieved that) doesn't automatically cross over with "person learning French after they got a holiday house there".

He's learning French. With a professional. Who is doing her job. And even if they become friends - so what? He is allowed to have friends.

This. This thread is honestly terrifying me. I am not married but if I marry someone who wants to come to things with me or muscle in on WhatsApp chats I am out of there.

If this was a thread from someone who's partner had followed half the advice on here (interrupt the lessons, insist on going with them, demand to be in the WhatsApp) they'd rightly be told it's not a normal or okay response.

Actually, I think I'm being too oblique here.

Gossip spreads. Nothing stays secret forever (the OP is already speculating that there is an affair happening!) and tutors who have affairs with clients get talked about. It affects your professional reputation. If you're a woman, you'll have the bonus of other male clients later, who turn out to expect sexual favours to be included with the tutoring.

Would the OP's DH be worth that?

for all we know, he's a cycling addict with bad breath

Yes, because those two things equate

For all we know, she has three road bikes that live in the kitchen and holds the QOM for every hill within a 100 mile radius.

I agree. This thread has really opened my eyes to the amount of insecure, jealous and frankly bizarre women that there are out there.
Some of it is really sad reading, knowing what some people are obviously like in real life.

Sorry, Vanhi, I forgot every comment like this had to have "lighthearted" added to it. He might also have a sex dungeon that we don't know about.

Female tutors tend to shag clients a lot less than male ones

I'm sure that's true, JamieVardy. However, I think we're talking about slightly different things. I'm talking about slowly getting close to someone whom you find warm, sympathetic, funny, generous, (insert whatever you feel is missing in your marriage). And the fact that this can often stray into EA territory, if both people feel the lack of something in their own relationships. If this isn't the case, of course, it's just a professional relationship. Which is the first point I made to the OP. If her marriage is bullet-proof, she has nothing at all to worry about. If it's wobby, she might do. But only she knows this, and she hasn't given us any clues either way.

NobdieTheNob
"I'm talking about slowly getting close to someone whom you find warm, sympathetic, funny, generous..And the fact that this can often stray into EA territory "

EXACTLY

Does anyone know the difference between platonic friendships and emotional affairs? Are they synonymous?

I have 1-1 Arabic lessons every week and I can assure you that, just because it's a fairly attractive and pleasant man of the opposite sex, we're not bumping uglies during lessons.

Get a grip.

Okay, after that question, I'm out.

If you can spell "synonymous", you can google what Platonic means, if by some chance you don't already know.

This picture I'm seeing is not on the level. If you are posting sincerely, you need professional support to deal with your mindset.

He thinks very highly of her, no doubts about it.

Because she has an impressive skill that he wishes he had, hence taking lessons.

Some women be cray.

JamieVardysHavingAParty
JorisBonson

Don't be so harsh. Thank you

OP your issue is you simply dont trust your husband.