Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?

[Afternoonlemonandhoney]

What level of contact are you happy with...?
Aibu or have reason to worry?
They meet a couple of hours a week for the lessons (on a one to one basis) There is nothing particularly incriminating.
He looks like enjoying her classes a lot but there's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have had this type of relationship with a few male colleagues in the past.
I met her once only by chance and she is very pretty! He has her email address but also her WhatsApp.
We've been together for more than 10 years, 1 kid. Things are ok between us as far as I'm aware.
Perhaps I'm just jealous of her and their meetings about his new challenge/hobby of learning French. We have a cottage in France and visit there frequently.

Oh get a grip @Afternoonlemonandhoney
Because the tutor is pretty you are now jealous and assuming their in the midst of a full blown affair??
Seriously no professional tutor would cross the line and behave the way you are implying. This is your issues, you deal with it.

I have nothing to say about the woman. Her behaviour remains faultless.
My insecurities play hard on me.

Could you discuss it with him and explain how it is pushing your buttons?

Totally irrelevant whether our OP wants to learn French or not

I'd be suspicious tbh

The time to worry will be when you're at your holiday cottage and he's glued to his phone, or keeping it close to him at all times and disappearing for hours on alleged walks/errands.

Why don't you want to learn French? Do you expect your dh and others to act as interpreters for you?

He has a female French tutor and he's enjoying his lessons. That's literally it. The people on here saying they'd be suspicious or that you should accompany him to lessons to keep an eye on him sound crazy.

What if OP had posted to say she was having driving lessons with a male driving instructor. Her husband is jealous because he thinks the driving instructor is handsome and that the OP wants to sleep with him. So the husband has decided to sit in the back seat for all their lessons to ensure they don't have an affair. Would you think that was reasonable behaviour?

I can understand the OP feeling a little insecure, but that's on her. Her husband has done nothing wrong.

1:1 is pretty standard if you have a base level of the language and want to progress quickly. 2h is also fairly common, stops you having to go over the same ground each week and allows you do do grammar, casual conversation and some role play/scenarios. If he thinks she is brilliant then great, did you want him to have a dull, unengaging tutor? Unless he has form for trying to jump anyone pretty your mistrust serms misplaced and she’d not go far as a private tutor if she slept with her pupils.

Does he put any more effort into what he’s wearing, brush his teeth etc before he heads out to his lesson?

I think you need to get a bit of help with your feelings. You don’t have any particular evidence. Accusing a partner of having affairs just because they occasionally come into contact with a female is not right or okay.

I don't think there is anything suspicious about it.

Hmmmm I’m on the fence with this one.

I’d usually side with the ‘get your insecurities sorted, the problem lies with you not them’ posters. But I wouldn’t like my DH doing this. The duration, the frequency, the prettiness and the fact she’s opening up new exciting worlds to him. Also, all the smiley positive reinforcement she’d be giving him (rightly). It’s a potent combination. He’d have to be made of steel, and so would your marriage, for the idea never to cross his mind. It’s hard to compete with that, if you’re the person asking him to take out the bins, and the rest of ‘normal life’.

I’d probably find some creative ways to periodically interrupt the cosiness. I don’t mean burst through the door of the lesson with fake emergencies, I mean meet with her to discuss French-related birthday surprises for him, or compliment her on his progress, organise vouchers for the lessons, ask her to translate things related to your holiday house. Things that subtly but firmly reinforce the fact you and he are a team. I wouldn’t see this as acting from insecurity, I’d call it being practical, and protecting my family. No need to do it in a defensive obvious way, just casual and friendly. It’s family money that pays her, isn’t it?

I’m a language tutor myself, and there can be quite a lot of rapport built in this kind of intensive private tuition. I wouldn’t think it strange that a partner might want in, or be curious. Or even a little insecure. I wouldn’t be offended or feel my professionalism was being questioned. I’d be open to reassuring the partner (and hopeful of getting another student!).

Ask to join the WhatsApp group and see what his reaction is. Or accompany him to the lessons

Don't do this. This is not sane or reasonable behaviour. If a woman posted on here that she had started a new hobby and her DH became convinced she was having/would have an affair with the instructor and that he had insisted on coming along to classes and monitoring their communications, everyone would (rightly) be saying he was controlling and to leave.

Either you can trust your DH or you can't. The French tutor is really a red herring.

Sounds like you have jealousy issues, there is no sign of anything suspicious. Of course he will have noticed she's pretty but that's just life and doesn't mean anything will happen. Does she have a partner?
I guess you could check if his French is or isn't noticeably improving?

I’d probably find some creative ways to periodically interrupt the cosiness. I don’t mean burst through the door of the lesson with fake emergencies, I mean meet with her to discuss French-related birthday surprises for him, or compliment her on his progress, organise vouchers for the lessons, ask her to translate things related to your holiday house. Things that subtly but firmly reinforce the fact you and he are a team

So you think she is the responsible party if he cheats?

Jeez, why do people think men are so weak they can't resist the charns of a French tutor luring them into her bed? I'm glad I didn't pick a man I thought was so weak!

^^to clarify my point, if my dp cheats, that's his choice. The reason he would cheat would not be becuase he is so defenseless to an attractive woman that his dick just falls out.

Your OP doesn't suggest any reason for him to cheat, so unless there's something suspicious he's done, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

I used to teach one to one language classes, which included trips out for the student to practice asking for things (they were all either living in the uk for work, or on a short term language course). Some students were easier to work with than others, but it never crossed my mind to jump into bed with them. I think you’re being slightly ridiculous

A hundred years ago, when I was a pretty and young professional, I had married guys hitting on me all the time OR going all weird and avoiding me. Like, those were the only two options. (I wasn't remotely interested in them. I only liked young single guys, preferably outside work.) And your husband is not avoiding her.

On the other hand, just wondering aloud, does it even matter? If it gets him excited and learning French. Marriage is such a weird and sexually repressed system. As long as nothing happens.

I mean meet with her to discuss French-related birthday surprises for him, or compliment her on his progress, organise vouchers for the lessons, ask her to translate things related to your holiday house. Things that subtly but firmly reinforce the fact you and he are a team

So you expect a French tutor - a paid professional - to be prepared to meet with you and offer you different services to the ones she usually provides, and for free?

Would you expect your husband's accountant to be prepared to meet with you to explain your direct debit agreements? His personal trainer to meet with you to discuss exercise equipment you could buy him?

If I was the French tutor I'd tell you to get stuffed. And that would no doubt create further suspicion and put the DH in a very awkward position.

Why do you feel your husband had nikki self control? He might find the French teacher pretty, that doesnt mean he has to act on it.
If there was a new man at work who you sat next to all day and found attractive, would you have an affair with him? Presumably not because you are married. Give your husband some credit here.

*no self control

Why should she need to know they are a team
She has a pupil who pays her to spend 2 hours a week teaching french who she has the telephone number off. Unless she is constantly texting what is the problem. I have DD music teachers on my phone- one text me just yesterday to say she was caught in traffic
Unless she has crossed a line (and being pretty isn’t it) leave her well alone to get on with her job
It’s clear it’s your insecurities fuelling this so other than it being 2 hours and she is pretty what is the problem

You need to get a grip. Have you ever behaved like this before? If not, has something recently happened to upset you? Has a friend's relationship broken up, have you had some sort of physical change (a significant birthday, started the menopause, gained a lot of weight)? Sometimes a person can start feeling 'insecure' about monogamy for reasons which are nothing to do with their partner or anyone else their partner may have valid reasons to interact with. Unfortunately, if you start to police your partner, have outbreaks of demanding whinyarsery etc, you may mess up your relationship and make a twat of yourself. No one reasonable likes being stalked and pestered by a partner with no justification. So FFS don't follow the advice about sitting in on his lessons and reading his messages. Maybe find a counsellor to have a chat to while he's off learning French.

Is he actually learning french? Can he speak it/listen to it/read it? That will be your biggest clue as to whether everything is above board. If after all these lessons he still can’t speak a word then you can assume that not much teaching is going on during their sessions. If he’s fast becoming fluent then everything does indeed sound completely innocent.

Assuming your husband is already quite proficient in French and you are not, why don't you book yourself a few basic lessons with her - separately from your husband? Then you can assess her 'prettiness', efficiency and teaching skills but not in a way that your DH thinks you are checking up on him! It would also be a nice surprise for your DH to find that you had learnt some French which would be useful when you visit your holiday cottage.