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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?

205 replies

Afternoonlemonandhoney · 07/10/2019 23:44

What level of contact are you happy with...?
Aibu or have reason to worry?
They meet a couple of hours a week for the lessons (on a one to one basis) There is nothing particularly incriminating.
He looks like enjoying her classes a lot but there's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have had this type of relationship with a few male colleagues in the past.
I met her once only by chance and she is very pretty! He has her email address but also her WhatsApp.
We've been together for more than 10 years, 1 kid. Things are ok between us as far as I'm aware.
Perhaps I'm just jealous of her and their meetings about his new challenge/hobby of learning French. We have a cottage in France and visit there frequently.

OP posts:
WonderTweek · 08/10/2019 09:17

OP, in the kindest way possible, I think you could benefit from getting help for your insecurities. It sounds like these kinds of things wind you up a lot, and if it's not the French tutor, it will eventually be something or someone else, and you will drive yourself nuts overanalysing everything. I get anxiety and have intrusive thoughts so I know what it's like.

(I find these "watch him like a hawk" posts a bit unsettling too. I would hate it if my husband was that paranoid. Confused)

RaymondStopThat · 08/10/2019 09:19

I’d probably find some creative ways to periodically interrupt the cosiness. I don’t mean burst through the door of the lesson with fake emergencies, I mean meet with her to discuss French-related birthday surprises for him, or compliment her on his progress, organise vouchers for the lessons, ask her to translate things related to your holiday house. Things that subtly but firmly reinforce the fact you and he are a team. I wouldn’t see this as acting from insecurity, I’d call it being practical, and protecting my family

This is verging on unhinged. He's either trustworthy or he isn't. If 'protecting a family' involves that kind of behaviour, then it's no marriage at all.

OP are you the person who posted the other day that you thought your DH was seeing prostitutes because he came home from the supermarket with one shirt button undone?

eenymeenyminyme · 08/10/2019 09:19

At the end of the day you either trust him or you don't.

My ExH had an affair with a girl he knew from work - if they're going to cheat they're going to cheat.

Mother87 · 08/10/2019 09:20

Hmmm... possibly too cynical here...and seen this sort of situation before but I too would be slightly concerned... not neccesarily suspicious of either of them/their motives. But proximity/mutual warmth/opportunity... Plus the fact that he's saying she's 'brilliant' and she's 'very pretty' and they're having lunch together. Am possibly being 'unfair' to your DH and her... and it's ok pp's saying that 'if she's professional' but no-one knows that... and would he have lunch with hairy-old-Claude the ugly/gnarly old French tutor (apologies to any French tutors named ClaudeBlush)

taytosandwich · 08/10/2019 09:22

I have weekly 2 hour lessons with a language tutor. He's very funny and quite handsome, doesn't mean I'm going to shag him or that I even want to! I would DIE of embarrassment if my DH started making contact with him. Please ignore those suggestions. It's exciting learning a new language that's why he's enjoying it.

NataliaOsipova · 08/10/2019 09:28

Treating your partner as an autonomous adult and trusting them to keep any vows or agreements of fidelity is not "being a cool wife". It's normal and how things should be.

This - 100%

ummnamechange · 08/10/2019 09:35

the problem is all french tutors look like this (stock image btw)

Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?
Original poster
Afternoonlemonandhoney · 08/10/2019 09:35

Wow thanks for all your support and reassuring me when I need someone to talk to and I won't forget the time you gave me.
Everything was interesting to read and I feel a bit better but time will tell...
They have a lesson tomorrow and on Friday. I can't get over the feeling she's getting too close to my husband and shouldn't be texting/emailing him in a friendly way. The fact that he clearly thinks shes really funny, clever - their banter really gets under my skin.
I know... bloody self steem issues here but I've start feeling they are becoming very good friends apart from the tutor/student relationship. Is already more than a year with his French classes. I'm sorry but I'm jealous!
I won't do anything stupid to stop with his lesson's agenda but as someone else said, you have to be made of steel to not to be tempted and our marriage is good enough but I must admit is now affecting me.
A big thank you to all for your advice, you're awesome mumsnetters xoxo

OP posts:
Roussette · 08/10/2019 09:36

Treating your partner as an autonomous adult and trusting them to keep any vows or agreements of fidelity is not "being a cool wife". It's normal and how things should be

And ditto.

As for someone saying 'can't he learn on an app instead'. Oh purrrleeeease.....

Are husbands not allowed to mix with females any more? Since when? My DH does a hobby countless times a week with females. Does that make me a cool wife in that I don't gatecrash it and watch him like a hawk??
An app is fine, but tuition is far far more efficient for learning a language.

Croquembou · 08/10/2019 09:37

Ignore the 'cool wives' on here.

Is this the bar for being a cool wife now? Finding it acceptable for your husband to have a pleasant time learning French, from a French tutor, because of your house in France?

Constantly baffled by people who seem to just want their partner to be miserable.

midnightmisssuki · 08/10/2019 09:39

Yikes. OP - you need to chill out. He (they) haven’t done anything wrong. Your risk driving him away with your unreasonable behaviour over nothing - unless he’s a known cheat?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2019 09:42

Honestly, OP, look for a counsellor of some description. Being jealous and insecure is something a person needs to fix about themselves. It makes you miserable, and it is horrible to be the partner of someone who is constantly whining for reassurance, making false accusations and following you around.

Also, you cannot prevent a partner having sex with other people if your partner decides to do so. Well, you could lock them up, never let them go anywhere unaccompanied, or threaten them with consequences so awful that they are scared to speak to anyone else... but that is profoundly unethical and sooner or later they will run away far and fast. Most people who have made a conscious choice to practice monogamy will stick to it unless something is going badly wrong with the relationship.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 08/10/2019 09:48

Good heavens, you are being paranoid. Really, it’s fine. Men can have pretty female friends without shagging them. It’s all completely above board isn’t it? The man wanted French lessons, found a tutor and they get on well. The only reason you feel uncomfortable is because she happens to be a woman. Really, it will be fine, don’t worry.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 08/10/2019 09:54

it was the younger French work colleague he had the affair with. Someone new and interesting and interested in him.
OP. Don't let your guard down

Genuine question. How could you having your guard up have prevented that? How would you have stopped him seeing her/finding her "new and interesting"?

He made a conscious choice to screw you over. And I'm really sorry about that. It makes him a fucking douchebag. But it's not something you could have prevented, however high your guard was up. Being policed and controlled generally makes innocent people decide they might as well have a fucking affair, because they're getting all the hassle and suspicion anyway.

IcedPurple · 08/10/2019 10:00

I used to be a language teacher - of English - and did one to one lessons. From time to time, there was mutual attraction between us but it never amounted to anything and I never gave them much of a thought once the lesson was over, and I'm sure they weren't thinking about me either. Just because someone is sitting in a room with an attractive person doesn't mean they're going to jump on them. Chances are the pretty French teacher isn't going to fancy your man anyway, so YABU.

AmIThough · 08/10/2019 10:01

@Afternoonlemonandhoney I might have missed the 'banter' bit before but I assumed they were communicating outside of lessons in French to make it easier for him to learn conversational French?
Is that not the case?

IcedPurple · 08/10/2019 10:03

you have to be made of steel to not to be tempted

Firstly, you're assuming that she is interested in shagging a married man who is also a client. If she's as attractive as you say she is, why would she want such a complicated set-up, cliches about the French aside?

Secondly, you do not "have to be made of steel to not to be tempted". Not if you're married and value that marriage. Have you never been around any clever, funny, good-looking men since you got married? And have you instantly felt the need to break your vows? If not, why assume your husband is any weaker?

ucfo · 08/10/2019 10:13

Firstly, you're assuming that she is interested in shagging a married man who is also a client.

Yes and she probably has several clients. If she shagged all the clients who came along she'd have no business and no income.

I would imagine some clients may develop a crush on her. She'll be used to that. It's happened to me twice and I'm butt ugly. But it doesn't mean that anything is going to happen with any of them.

GinDaddy · 08/10/2019 10:15

"Don't let your guard down"...

Wow.

Aethelthryth · 08/10/2019 10:17

I have one to one French lessons for two hours a week. I get on well with my teacher, which helps because there is plenty to chat about. She's a woman but if she were a man and we goto in just as well it would still be a French lesson. I think you are being a bit daft and potentially controlling

GinDaddy · 08/10/2019 10:17

Has anyone thought that instead of policing husbands and vetting/controlling anyone else they come into contact with ...just be interesting and fun yourself, instead of restricting the air supply

I'm sorry that people get cheated on but this kind of behaviour is bizarre

Pistols69 · 08/10/2019 10:20

A lot of people projecting their own insecurities here. Seems perfectly normal to me.

Pukkatea · 08/10/2019 10:47

Dear GOD.

Do I have this right: your husband is in the presence of a female person, whose job it is to teach French, learning French. They have methods of contacting each other via phone and computer in the year 2019. The experience isn't agonisingly awful and he doesn't hate her guts, instead enjoys the lessons he chose in something he is interested in and thinks his teacher is a nice, smart person. Oh and at one point, they ate food.

Therefore, he must be having an affair or want to.

I utterly despair with people feeding the OPs insecurities on this.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 08/10/2019 10:55

I don't agree that you have to be made of steel not to be tempted. Life isn't a soap opera; people don't helplessly fall into bed at the drop of a hat, just to push the viewing figures higher. I have had language tutoring, and grown to really like my tutors as people, but I haven't wanted to shag them!

OP, an affair takes two people. If you don't trust your husband, that's one thing.

But on her side, what's in it for her to be the Other Woman? IME, female tutors who teach 1-1 pay close attention to boundaries, because of the amount of men who will push them!

To be 110% blunt, do you think this very pretty, accomplished woman is so lonely that she would have to resort to a married customer for some shagging? Relationships that start like that carry the risk that the man will act as if he's paid for the woman's sexual attentions as well as her subject tutoring. She knows she's worth more than that shite.

musicposy · 08/10/2019 11:48

JamieVardy and ucfo have said it brilliantly; don't let the insecure people feed into your worries on this.

The tutors on here, of which I am one, have said stop worrying. Yes, I teach a good few adult men. I'm sure the odd one or two have felt they had a bit of a "rapport" with me from time to time, even though I'm quite old. Yes, there is mutual warmth, yes you encourage and praise pupils. That's it. Nothing is going to happen.

I would be utterly, utterly stupid to risk my reputation by shagging a client, even if I wasn't in a long happy marriage. Clients are work and mixing business and pleasure in this way would be beyond dumb. There are so many less complicated ways to meet men.
As JamieVardys says, I always pay close attention to boundaries because I'm not having the men I teach thinking I'm up for fulfilling their fantasies, if they even have them.

Stop worrying. Relax, have fun with your husband. A man who is happy at home isn't going to cheat on you, unless he's the kind of man you're better off without anyway.