Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?

[Afternoonlemonandhoney]

What level of contact are you happy with...?
Aibu or have reason to worry?
They meet a couple of hours a week for the lessons (on a one to one basis) There is nothing particularly incriminating.
He looks like enjoying her classes a lot but there's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have had this type of relationship with a few male colleagues in the past.
I met her once only by chance and she is very pretty! He has her email address but also her WhatsApp.
We've been together for more than 10 years, 1 kid. Things are ok between us as far as I'm aware.
Perhaps I'm just jealous of her and their meetings about his new challenge/hobby of learning French. We have a cottage in France and visit there frequently.

People saying “Go to the classes with him” - would you be happy if your partner hijacked your hobbies because he was too jealous to let you do anything on your own?

I see a personal trainer every week. It’s a man. I have his mobile number and email address and we follow each other on Instagram. I’d think my DP was being massively unreasonable if he thought this meant I was having a bloody affair!

People saying “Go to the classes with him” - would you be happy if your partner hijacked your hobbies because he was too jealous to let you do anything on your own?

If a woman came on here saying her husband insisted on accompanying her to classes (which he had no interest in) because he was jealous of her good-looking tutor, people here would be screaming 'red flags', 'control freak' or even LBD. Not sure why it's different when the genders are reversed.

Just when you thought MN couldn't get any more bat shit

I have a PT who I spend a fair bit of time with. We regularly WhatsApp each other..... mostly about training/food/sessions etc.

If DH suddenly declared he wanted in our WhatsApp group and to come along to my sessions he'd be given a swift kick.

I too am glad I don't spend my life policing my DHs whereabouts/friendship group/every single member of the opposite sex he comes into contact with.

If he wants to stray then meh - life's to short to waste my energy trying to stop him (and probably making his life miserable in the process..... men tend to stray when they're unhappy don't they?)

If that's makes me a "cool wife" then yeah, I am.

This thread is so sanctimonious it almost makes me laugh.
Yanbu to feel insecure, yanbu to be curious about the relationships your dh makes and maintains. If it wrong then I’m wrong too, because my senses would be aroused if my husband was telling me about his brilliant, very pretty tutor,colleague/friend. Why does he need you to know that information?

Why does he need you to know that information?

Because people... talk about... their lives? Including their French lessons they're enjoying and their new friends/people they like? You'd probably be saying it was even MORE suspicious if he hadn't mentioned her. ("WHAT IS HE HIDING?! IF ITS INNOCENT WHY DOESN'T HE DISCUSS HER?")

I once had a work colleague who helped me through a tough time and was also rather attractive. I had a bit of a crush on him, and the feeling may well have been mutual - certainly we had good rapport. I almost certainly mentioned him and his friendship to DH. What happened? Absolutely nothing. We both benefited from our professional connections and enjoyed our conversations. Eventually one of us changed jobs. We both remain happily married.

No doubt many people on here would have been all "EMOTIONAL AFFAIR"/"SUSPICIOUS"/"STAMP ON IT NOW OP". What would that have done? Well, it would have damaged my relationship with DH, made me feel trapped and frustrated, and also cut me off from a very valuable source of external support during a very tough time. I was never going to cheat. Because I didn't want to cheat.

Oh OP, I completely understand where you’re at. I’ve had the husband who’s left me for another woman. In your case, this absolutely does not smell in the least like infidelity.
I think you’re really, really allowing your insecurities get the better of you. It’s really hard when you’ve had your first baby. Everything changes and it is an adjustment for everyone. The pace of life changes. We don’t always feel so great about ourselves (because we’re tired and trying to juggle a young family). We lose confidence. I think this is what’s happened to you as you adjust to who you are now as a mother. You’ll get there and your confidence will come back.
But from what you’ve told us, I wouldn’t worry at all. I think it’s all very much above board and harmless. I’m an old wreck pushing 50. My (2nd) DH has beautiful young women as his colleagues. I don’t sweat it. I used to like mad years ago. Age has a way of making us more relaxed with who we are. Also, I trust him. You know, the vast majority of people out there aren’t out to undo the marriages of others.
Do you trust your DH? If yes is the answer then honestly, don’t entertain this anxiety.

He has her email address but also her WhatsApp

There's no such thing as having someone's whatsapp, do you mean he has her phone number, in the absence of any other signs surely that's totally normal for anyone you have a relationship with - business or personal. What is the whatsapp group referred to? Is a group with all of her other students It would be weird for a non student to ask to join that.

musicposy

A 1000 times thank you! Brillanty put it in the post. Exactly what I needed to know.

because my senses would be aroused if my husband was telling me about his brilliant, very pretty tutor,colleague/friend

Well that's very unhealthy . If my DH has interactions with someone it's perfectly possible he'd tell me about them. So if they were very good at their job, he would say so, if they were very attractive, he'd tell me that too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. We'd probably joke about how someone so attractive would want him - obviously not - and that would be the end of the conversation.

Please OP do listen to musicposy, and stop worrying, particularly when others are trying to project their insecurities onto you.

I’d probably find some creative ways to periodically interrupt the cosiness. I don’t mean burst through the door of the lesson with fake emergencies, I mean meet with her to discuss French-related birthday surprises for him, or compliment her on his progress, organise vouchers for the lessons, ask her to translate things related to your holiday house. Things that subtly but firmly reinforce the fact you and he are a team. I wouldn’t see this as acting from insecurity, I’d call it being practical, and protecting my family. No need to do it in a defensive obvious way, just casual and friendly. It’s family money that pays her, isn’t it?

Wow

• My Ex didn't have form, he never ogled other women. we'd been together for 12 years, lots of shared interests and it seemed perfect to me. It was the younger French work colleague he had the affair with. Someone new and interesting and interested in him. OP. Don't let your guard down.*

I find this attitude so strange. If a husband is going to have an affair, they're an arsehole and sadly you will get hurt. You can't 'keep your guard up' to prevent them ... Who wants to live like that?!

Applying the “cool wife” label to women who are okay with their partners interacting with the opposite sex in order to learn a new skill is a new low for mumsnet.

Reverse the genders and it would be a red flag for abuse.

Some of you ARE unhinged on this thread.

you have to be made of steel to not to be tempted

I’ve been married a long time, I could have one to one acting lessons with Brad Pitt and not be tempted to have an affair. Or is it only men you think are capable of being tempted?

new low for mumsnet

Not new I’m afraid. Ten years I’ve been here and apparently all sorts of things make me a “cool wife”

One of which is trusting my husband, apparently.

Applying the “cool wife” label to women who are okay with their partners interacting with the opposite sex in order to learn a new skill is a new low for mumsnet.

Agree this is not new. But now it’s potentially illegal. This behaviour could fall under coercive control laws.

Practically every single DV police literature piece covers delusional accusations of affairs without evidence as abuse. I’m not saying the OP is at that stage now, but she probably needs to address the issue.

You really need some therapy to work on your insecurities. It's not normal to be suspicious like this. You must think a lot of your husband if you think she would be remotely interested in him, but you don't think a lot of yourself.

RaymondStopThat
Thank you x

It sounds pretty normal, why do you feel this way has he given you reasons before to not trust him?

I find this attitude so strange. If a husband is going to have an affair, they're an arsehole and sadly you will get hurt. You can't 'keep your guard up' to prevent them ... Who wants to live like that?!

I agree. Plus, as she said, the woman was a colleague. So should you install hidden cameras on your husband's desk as a way to 'keep your guard up'?

Thinking further and in the light of all comments, OP.

If you know your marriage is bullet-proof, then fine. You are being completely ridiculous.

If, however, your marriage is a bit iffy, then that's a different matter.

FWIW, I was the one who very gradually developed an EA with my son's tutor. Which became full-on, love-of-my life affair.

My marriage was bad, which created a gap.

If the gap hadn't been there, I wouldn't have considered Tutor in million years. But the gap was there.

So I think everyone is right, really. Only you know what kind of state your marriage is in.

Totally irrelevant whether our OP wants to learn French or not

I don't think it is. They have a house in France together but only her DH wants to learn French. So yes, he will develop a rapport with his French tutor because she has an interest in something the OP just isn't interested in. It's not just about him having a hobby of his own - it's quite reasonable to want to learn a language if you have a property in that country. It just seems to me that he is more invested in that side of their life than the OP is. Going to France is something they do together, but speaking French is something only he does. To me that creates a disparity.

NobdieTheNob
Thank you for sharing...

True, but not necessary an obligation to share the same interests or hobbies with your husband I think.
I'm an interior designer and I enjoy making interior spaces functional, safe, and beautiful, selecting decorative items, such as colors, lighting, and materials. I did it on our cottage and that's a thing we both enjoy when there but commiting to learn a language is not on my list.

From everything you have said it all seems completely fine. My language lessons are 2 hours twice a week. One to one, male teacher but nothing ever crossed my mind. I do really enjoy the lessons though. We use email and WhatsApp my DH can read anything on my phone or PC of he wants to. I dont think he ever has.

It’s only natural to feel insecure on occasion but I don’t think you need to worry at all, I do two hours private sessions related to fitness not French, the trainer is opposite sex and a similar age, we get on fantastically and he also would communicate using text messages/what’s app but in a completely innocent and platonic manner, mainly about upcoming events ect involving the group class that I don’t participate in due to a messy time table but that he still wants to offer the opportunity for me to be involved in, changes to times ect and sometimes just a friendly how is the week going for you. Being in a long term relationship and happily so, my head hasn’t been turned and I’m sure your partner is the same. It’s not a nice way to be feeling but it’s likely genuine and he is just enjoying a hobby. Another thing to note too, just because you think she is pretty doesn't mean he is attracted to her in that way so try not to worry.