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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?

205 replies

Afternoonlemonandhoney · 07/10/2019 23:44

What level of contact are you happy with...?
Aibu or have reason to worry?
They meet a couple of hours a week for the lessons (on a one to one basis) There is nothing particularly incriminating.
He looks like enjoying her classes a lot but there's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have had this type of relationship with a few male colleagues in the past.
I met her once only by chance and she is very pretty! He has her email address but also her WhatsApp.
We've been together for more than 10 years, 1 kid. Things are ok between us as far as I'm aware.
Perhaps I'm just jealous of her and their meetings about his new challenge/hobby of learning French. We have a cottage in France and visit there frequently.

OP posts:
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 08/10/2019 07:42

The level of contact they have is a perfectly normal amount.

The language tutor probably has a dozen people she's teaching French to. What's so amazing about your husband that she'd want to shag him as well as listen to him trying to speak French?

Smashtastick · 08/10/2019 07:44

OP i get you. Honestly your being silly.

I get a bit like this about DH tattooist however the underlying reason is that we don't get much time together at all with how busy life is and I somewhat resent paying so much money for him to spend a whole day close to another woman. But I know I'm being ridiculous so a give myself a kick and go out and buy myself a grip and it's fine.

Btw his tattooist is lovely and very professional she has never done anything to arouse my suspicions its all me.

NobdieTheNob · 08/10/2019 07:45

He’d have to be made of steel, and so would your marriage, for the idea never to cross his mind

@Skittlesandbeer 's post is spot on, all round.

I'm not sure what I would do. Probably watch like a hawk, and wait.

NobdieTheNob · 08/10/2019 07:46

Hardly the same as a tattooist, Smashtastick. Unless your DH is having weekly two-hourly sessions with his tattooist. How much of him is there to tattoo?

grumiosmum · 08/10/2019 07:49

What a lot of misogynist rubbish on here.

So an attractive woman can't be a professional tutor to any adult males because she might tempt them to stray?

OP, you need to work on your trust issues, because there's nothing I can see here to be concerned about. So what if the tutor is 'very pretty'. In all likelihood she has a partner of her own and would be horrified at the suggestion that she is hankering after yours.

Roselilly36 · 08/10/2019 07:49

I don’t think you have anything to worry about OP. Doesn’t sound suspicious to me. What has made you feel concerned? Have you ever had any reason to doubt him?

LaPeste · 08/10/2019 07:51

Clarifying what I said earlier, in my experience of language tutoring, you do tend to form quite a rapport with the a good one to one teacher in the case of one-to-one tutoring, and a language teacher can be quite attractive in that way..... but there’s nothing to suggest your DH or the teacher would actually act on it

MockersthefeMANist · 08/10/2019 07:51

A Card in the newsagents window offering "French Lessons" used to be code.

wanderings · 08/10/2019 07:56

Glad to see lots of replies defending the DH; unusual for Mumsnet, where all men are up to no good. I'm a tutor; should I be worried if I give one-to-one lessons to married men?

This thread has just made me realise something: my DH plays mixed netball, is on a team with several much younger pretty girls, and regularly has male and female opponents getting right into his personal space, literally flattening themselves against him, in a way that's unthinkable in most other situations (he said he found this unnerving at first, and could hardly bring himself to do the same to women much smaller than him, especially as netball is supposed to be a "non-contact sport"). Should I be worried he's getting off on this? Shock He's been known to say jokingly to such opponents "you're making my wife jealous, you know" or "only my wife's allowed to do that". Goodness knows what they do in the pub after the game!

No13 · 08/10/2019 07:56

I hate the assumption that all men will cheat. Why are you with men if you don’t trust them?

Smashtastick · 08/10/2019 07:56

@nobdiethenob

Quite a bit Wink the feeling is the same which is what I was getting at.

Can nobody have a hobby or look to improve a skill without it meaning that they want to jump into bed with someone else?

What boring lives we would all lead if we just sat at home with our spouses all the time.

Yeah he may have thought it, but we can't control someone else's thoughts.

Christ, I'v thought about what it would be like to shag someone else other than my husband, will I actually do it? NO!

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 07:58

You need a therapist. I'd really stop asking people these questions on here because there are A LOT of women on this site who seem to make a PT job out of preventing their husband's affairs by dictating his interaction with other people. It really isn't healthy at all. Get yourself into therapy and try to work on your self esteem. Honestly,then the idea of chasing your husband around so he doesn't leave you will be so unappealing that you'll stop and the best bit is, men learn to respect you. My husband knows I'd be perfectly okay after a cry and a cake of he left me. I'm financially independent from him and have a great group of friends and relatives to support me. Since he realised that and that I'm not going to be the type to meddle in his friendships in case they turn sexual, his respect and love for me has grown tenfold. He chooses to be with me and I with him.

NataliaOsipova · 08/10/2019 07:59

if my dp cheats, that's his choice. The reason he would cheat would not be becuase he is so defenseless to an attractive woman that his dick just falls out.

Absolutely this. OP - he wants to learn French. She’s paid to teach him French. Maybe he enjoys her company. So what? Doesn’t mean he’s going to chuck you over for her....and doesn’t mean she fancies him. If the roles were reversed and my DH was getting antsy about the good looking window cleaner, I’d be furious. It implies a total lack of trust....

marcopront · 08/10/2019 08:01

@Skittlesandbeer
Does your husband join in your lessons sometimes?
Is he worried you might accidentally sleep with one of your students? From what you have written he should be.

thebakerwithboobs · 08/10/2019 08:07

What is all the 'have lessons too?' madness?! Although I do agree with PP that if you have a cottage in France you should make an effort but that's another thread. Does your husband work? Because if he does, he's likely to spend time with women all the time, we are 51% of the population. I share my office (ha! It's MINE 😂) with a man and we have a hoot most of the time, we get on like a house on fire. Is he attractive? Without a doubt yes. Am I shagging him behind my husband's back? Er, no. He picks his feet!

In all seriousness, this level of paranoia if there is no reason for it is exhausting for you and that's your issue.

Roussette · 08/10/2019 08:08

Ask to join the WhatsApp group and see what his reaction is. Or accompany him to the lessons

Are you serious? She would sound like a jealous loon if she did that.
Do you honestly think his wife should go to the lessons and watch their interractions? Just imagine if a wife posted that their husband wanted to come to a hobby of hers because the tutor or whatever was male and he didn't trust his wife...

My DH does something more than once a week, a niche hobby, that needs a partner. Random women I don't know contact him continually wanting to partner up with him when his regular partner is away. I trust him. I'm not going to take up this hobby so I can spy on him because I can't trust him to be around women.

ukgift2016 · 08/10/2019 08:11

He most likely does have a crush on her but it doesn't sound like the feelings are returned!

Ignore the 'cool wives' on here. It is ok to be a bit insecure.

Roussette · 08/10/2019 08:11

A LOT of women on this site who seem to make a PT job out of preventing their husband's affairs by dictating his interaction with other people

This

I am so glad I am in a marriage where I dont spend every waking moment imagining my husband wants an affair with every female he interracts with

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 08/10/2019 08:12

What they doing going for lunch? Boundary crossing right there. Ask him to stop his lessons, see how he reacts.

Roussette · 08/10/2019 08:12

It's nothing about being a cool wife. It's about being sensible.

And why is it good to be insecure? I have no idea what the advantages of being insecure are.

Roussette · 08/10/2019 08:13

My husband has been doing his hobby for decades. Perhaps I should ask him to stop doing it because there are lots of women there. Hmm

Madness

AmIThough · 08/10/2019 08:14

@croprotationinthe13thcentury blimey my DP goes for lunch with his female recruitment consultant sometimes but I'm fairly sure they're not shagging Hmm

Swissgemma · 08/10/2019 08:16

I find this all really offensive.

She is a French teacher. She teaches French. Your husband wants to learn French. I have one on one French lessons (3 hours a week) with a nice young man, passably attractive and very encouraging (as all good teachers should be) I pay him to teach me French - sometimes we meet at home, sometimes at work and sometimes in a cafe. My husband has no thoughts whatsoever about my French lessons apart from - "how was the lesson today?".

Does your husband have form for inappropriate behaviour when alone with women? If not then I really don't see the issue.

redzebra10 · 08/10/2019 08:19

it doesnt sound suspicious written down but i think the op as picked something up in her dh mannerisms when he talks about his tutor.
maybe his eyes light up or he goes all smiley when hes talking about her or maybe he as mentionalitus
whatever it is , she as a gut feeling somethings not right

Andysbestadventure · 08/10/2019 08:23

You need to get a grip, Op. You sound totally unhinged.

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