Husband and female French tutor. Is this suspicious or OK?

[Afternoonlemonandhoney]

What level of contact are you happy with...?
Aibu or have reason to worry?
They meet a couple of hours a week for the lessons (on a one to one basis) There is nothing particularly incriminating.
He looks like enjoying her classes a lot but there's every chance it's perfectly innocent. I have had this type of relationship with a few male colleagues in the past.
I met her once only by chance and she is very pretty! He has her email address but also her WhatsApp.
We've been together for more than 10 years, 1 kid. Things are ok between us as far as I'm aware.
Perhaps I'm just jealous of her and their meetings about his new challenge/hobby of learning French. We have a cottage in France and visit there frequently.

I love these threads. OP is often called unhinged.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to worry, no. You are at a tricky time in your own relationship. They see each other weekly.

I think a two person WhatsApp should only be for arranging meetings. I would also not be happy with constant online “chat”. How often are they whatsapping?

There is nothing intrinsically dodgy about this scenario, it is totally standard for language teaching.

It's quite possible that your husband does have a slight soft spot for the French teacher (newsflash: men often do have a slight soft spot for attractive, intelligent women, and vice versa) but unless you lock him up in a cellar 24/7 there is always a risk he will encounter attractive and intelligent women in the course of his life.

Unless he starts talking about her the whole time or being furtive I would try not to worry about this. There is nothing from what you say here that suggests she is a risk to your marriage.

So he needs to get a male tutor, or one you don't deem attractive?

Either you trust your husband or not. But based on what you've posted the bloke is having French lessons and nothing has crossed the line, it's your jealousy here that is the issue.

OP is getting called "unhinged", and yet I'm reading long and detailed posts from other people saying " you should join her WhatsApp, you should ask her to translate things, you should turn up to her lessons, you should watch her like a hawk"...

...?!

The saddest thing I read on this thread was from someone saying "she's beautiful and interesting and you're the one asking him to take out the bins" or whatever.

Is this how some women really view marriage? Surely there's a vicious circle waiting to happen here - that the more you view yourself as the dull/uninteresting one, the more you try and ward off people who you think are interesting. Making you seem more crazed and suspicious, and them appearing more carefree etc?

I just abhor the whole idea of "she's interesting, she's beautiful...watch her like a hawk, this will only go one way". So depressing. It's not always like this.

I’d probably find some creative ways to periodically interrupt the cosiness. I don’t mean burst through the door of the lesson with fake emergencies, I mean meet with her to discuss French-related birthday surprises for him, or compliment her on his progress, organise vouchers for the lessons, ask her to translate things related to your holiday house. Things that subtly but firmly reinforce the fact you and he are a team

and you're a language tutor yourself? I teach languages too - if my student's spouse did this more than once I'd tell them to find another teacher.

I get that you have insecurities, OP, but seriously - unless your DH has form for "anything with a pulse" you need to learn to handle them better without impugning his and his French teacher's characters.

If he's paying for her time anyway, I'd tag along and try to learn some bits too. Be useful when you are in France and you might find you all become friends too ?! Attractive women arnt always a threat. Maybe she has a girlfriend? Maybe she doesn't find your husband attractive like you do ? Maybe she does ? But unless you involve yourself you will never know !

I don’t think Skittlesandbeer is a tutor. I suspect she’s someone who’s been at the Mills and Boon or Jackie Collins - the language is straight out of that kind of novel.

OP I think you’re being a bit daft- your husband has every reason to be taking French classes, he’s shown no specific reason to be suspicious and you’re admittedly an insecure person.

Maybe the thing to do, is, and I mean this kindly- see a therapist. Work on yourself. Don’t make your partner feel like he can’t do things “just in case” you freak out. I know a couple like this- she’s hugely jealous, and it has narrowed both their worlds to a fine, painful point. They are still together but utterly miserable. Don’t ruin your marriage over this.

(most language teachers charge each person - not as much as one-on-one but it's not a "the more the merrier" scenario. Although i agree that anyone with a cottage in France should learn at least basic French)

@666onmyhead

How can she "tag along" if he's paid for 1-1 tuition?

If I was the French tutor I'd find that annoying - if OP wants to join, she needs to speak to her husband and they redefine the tuition as group. Which in itself could make OP's husband suspicious that she's jealous etc...

Good lord, have all the people suggesting interfering in some way got husband's with golden cocks or something.

I love my husband over and above everyone else but I shouldn't have to do all the things suggested to make him stay with me. He either wants to be or he doesn't. I cannot make him stay no matter what I do.

He is free to stay and he is equally free to go.

It would fucking suck big time but that's the truth.

Your DH is your best friend too right? Well I speak for myself when I can confess my vulnerabilities to my DH. But perhaps I'm lucky. I would have no qualms in saying she's v pretty and I'm a teeny bit jealous ....I know my DH would piss himself with laughter, give me a hug and rib me for the next 10 years ...about Allo Allo etc etc. Can you really not just do this rather than worrying yourself to death?
I know in the same position DH would do the same with me....we trust each other but we can't help getting a tad jealous every now and then.

This is why women and men who aren't married shouldn't meet without chaperones. The Saudis have it right...

Actually, you should insist he gets a less attractive French teacher. Your mistake was not vetting her for attractiveness in the first place.

there are A LOT of women on this site who seem to make a PT job out of preventing their husband's affairs by dictating his interaction with other people

...this. The number of jealous, paranoid or controlling people on here who've made it their life mission to make sure their husband never gets too close to another vagina, because of their sure knowledge that he will be helplessly sucked in by its black-hole gravitational pull, is truly frightening. Oh, and any conversation involving emotional closeness with another woman is an "emotional affair".

I dare say it might "cross my DH's mind" somehow that he is attracted to an intelligent and pretty woman he knows and that in other circumstances he might like to shag her. He would still have to choose to shag her. And if he chooses to shag her, he's not good enough for me and he can fuck right off.

Do you realise how much you've insulted both your DH and the tutor here OP? Do you really think so little of him that he'd shag any pretty woman who showed an interest? And so little of her to think that she's just dying to pick up any married man she works with professionally? Do you shag any man you have to work with closely?

Treating your partner as an autonomous adult and trusting them to keep any vows or agreements of fidelity is not "being a cool wife". It's normal and how things should be. Get help for your jealousy and anxiety OP, it's not your DH's job to fix them for you and it's certainly not his French tutor's job.

@Deydo

😂

Tutors aren't 'professional' any old person can call themselves a tutor. One of my family members is an English tutor to business people and those who want to better their English and unfortunately they have had affairs with those they tutor. It is not a regulated profession like teaching and there's no code that prevents them from doing that.

That doesn't mean this tutor and your husband are interested, but some of the replies on here are incredulous about what is quite a normal happening- people do meet at work and have affairs. Whether this is happening in this situation, we can 't tell.

I also don't see why people are incredulous that middle-aged men might find a French tutor attractive or vice versa. Do they have two heads? Middle-aged men are in their prime age for an affair- I know several mums who have been left in exactly these types of scenarios.

Now, I wouldn't use this knowledge to police my husband or try to come along. I would be confident that my husband wasn't this type of person (my family member who had affairs as a tutor also had them when in other roles, that's their pattern of behaviour). We both have ample opportunities and meet attractive intelligent members of the opposite sex frequently through work, and on a one to one, so I wouldn't be interested in policing that, but if I thought he was genuinely crossing boundaries, I'd state that and if he had an affair, kick him out as there's no place in our marriage for this type of stupid behaviour.'

I wouldn’t see this as acting from insecurity, I’d call it being practical, and protecting my family

You're lying to yourself and everyone else there. It is acting from insecurity and it's patently obvious to everyone involved.

I also don't think you've got anything worth protecting if you need to pop up occasionally to make sure that your husband remembers that he's got a family and his French tutor is warned off.

This is either insecurity talking, in which case nothing he does will help and you have to deal with the root cause, or you think your husband is helpless to temptation and a pretty French tutor is going to exacerbate that, in which case your marriage is on borrowed time anyway.

It doesn't sound like this has been unusual in any way so far. I used to meet my Spanish tutor two or three times a week, and we'd often go for a drink or lunch depending on when the lesson was. It was a good excuse to practice Spanish, if nothing else! He was an attractive single man, but he was my Spanish tutor. That's all.

OP I’m sure it’s fine.

I find your not wanting to learn French when you have a house there far odder than this set up.

Perhaps you already speak passable French. If not it puts a major strain on your DH if he’s the only one in the partnership who can speak good French wrt the house - that means everything falls on him.

Well on the surface there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. He wanted to learn french, for a very valid reason that will benefit you both. He found a teacher, and they meet as arranged for lessons. He finds her a good teacher and is enjoying his new pastime.

Although you mention that they communicate via WhatsApp, you don't indicate that this contact is constant or that he acts in a secretive way about it.

The crux of the matter here is how this is making you feel. I can't see anything in what you have written to suggest that there is anything untoward going on, however you are left feeling very uncomfortable about it. Has anything about his behaviour changed that is making you feel this way? Does he act differently before/after seeing her? Do you want anything to change in your relationship? This situation has clearly triggered something for you, and only by unpicking what this might be can you begin to deal with it.

Is it the fact that she is pretty? Do you feel less attractive than you used to, or do you feel that your DH doesn't find you as attractive? (Not saying you ARE less attractive, but we can all go through phases of feeling like that). Do you resent the time they are spending together? Would you like to spend more time with your DH away from family/general chaos of life?

Can’t he use an app instead?

I'm a tutor and I wouldn't be happy to do any of the "creative ways" skittlesandbeer suggests, not for free.

I teach around half a dozen adult men at the moment, about the same number of adult women and the rest are children or teenagers. Some of the men are older than me, some are younger. I can categorically say that I am never going to sleep with any of them, no matter how well I appear to get on with them in the lessons. This isn't just because I'm married and want to stay that way - it would be the same if I was single.

I'm sure most of my pupils, young and old, think I'm their friend. Many of them chat to me about their lives, and I chat a certain amount about the mutinae of mine. A lot of my pupils, young and old, are lovely and I genuinely like them.

But, and here's the thing to hang onto, OP, it's work. They go home, I get on with my family and friends. I don't want to hear from them or think about them on a Sunday afternoon or when I'm on holiday. They are not my friends. Teaching is a kind of acting job in a way.

What you're seeing, OP, is a good tutor making a student feel enthusiastic about the subject, and as though they are capable of achieving. I don't see anything to suggest more than that. If you're worried, my best suggestion is to book your own lessons with her, separately. Then you'll see why he's enjoying it.

Are there any signals he's changed? Looking at phone more? As pp said making an effort with his appearance before his class?

I find it strange you won't learn French tbh.

I see no reason why this would be any problem. It doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong. He wanted to learn French because you have a house there and then found a tutor to help him.

I wouldn't ask to join his WhatsApp group. That's a bit batshit to me.

If you don't want to learn French then leave him to it. I think you need to speak to someone about working through your own insecurities.

I love my husband over and above everyone else but I shouldn't have to do all the things suggested to make him stay with me. He either wants to be or he doesn't. I cannot make him stay no matter what I do.
He is free to stay and he is equally free to go.

Very sensible attitude.
Yes, it would be really shit if DH had an affair with the French tutor and left but if he is the sort of person to do that would you really want to stay with him anyway. If he's the sort of person to do that, no amount of snooping around Whatsapp, gate-crashing lessons etc. is going to stop him.
Do you have any reasons to suspect that anything else is going on? It sounds to me like he goes to French lessons and enjoys them. End of story.

I teach piano and I've had a couple of men come for lessons and they developed a "thing" for me. Once this became obvious and it was making me uncomfortable I stopped their lessons.

I take lessons in another musical instrument and have had two different teachers. My ex kept implying I was up to something with the first of these two teachers. It was really annoying. There was absolutely nothing going on but I really enjoyed the lessons and would come back from the lessons happy and smiley (therefore ex assumed we were shagging all over the music school).
I have another teacher now and some contact with ex. Ex is convinced I am shagging this new teacher as well.

I'm not the sort of person who cheats on their partner and I am not the sort of person who would shag my married music teacher.

Unless you have evidence to suggest otherwise or prior incidents involving your DH and inappropriate friendships with other women, then you should assume that he is simply going to French lessons and enjoying learning.

My Ex didn't have form, he never ogled other women. we'd been together for 12 years, lots of shared interests and it seemed perfect to me.
It was the younger French work colleague he had the affair with.
Someone new and interesting and interested in him.
OP. Don't let your guard down.