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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
CatBoyOnTheRun · 07/10/2019 16:30

I would not be happy with this and I would make this very clear to my DH.

DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault
Don't let him manipulate you into going along with this. Let it be your fault, if that's what it takes to nip this in the bud.

Can you do the school drop off from this point onwards?

she definitely isn't as interested in being friends with me. She'll say hi and make small talk but that's it.
You need to mark this woman's card for her and clearly. This is your marriage and your family at stake.

PrettyPurse · 07/10/2019 16:31

I always believed that there could be platonic relationships....even laughed at one friend who voiced her disapproval at my husband running with a female friend who he met at a running club.

He now lives with her and we are divorced.

I would like to think platonic friendships can happen but l have yet to be re-convinced 100%

walkaroundtheblock · 07/10/2019 16:34

She's after your man mark my words! I've seen it happen so many times and it's looking like he's either dim or up for it. All those endorphins.... I'd bluff and tell him you've arranged a babysitter and you'd love to go with him - see what his reaction is.

XJerseyGirlX · 07/10/2019 16:36

i would go in all guns blazing tbh OP, cheeky prick.. would he let you go out with some other guy running?

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 16:37

She's after your man mark my words

Why do some women always try to twist it to blame the woman.

Why aren't you commenting he is after her? What do you think men are helpless creatures to be captured by women?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/10/2019 16:39

DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

This is such an odd thing for any adult to say. His only "us" should be you and the unit you and he comprise. That he is blaming you for any kind of future upsets doesn't bode well at all.

I don't do dramatics and hysterics at all. I'd calmly point out how unreasonable you find his behaviour and have a very blunt conversation about how unhappy you are with the situation. His next move will probably determine where you go, but you're not unreasonable to be concerned at all.

EntropyRising · 07/10/2019 16:40

I wouldn't like it one bit.

There are a few men who I am good friends with mostly stemming from couple friends, but it's pretty ring-fenced outside of an odd coffee on occasion. I've always thought that if I really like a man as a friend, and he's reasonably good looking and charming, things might happen if I were to let them.

EntropyRising · 07/10/2019 16:41

DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

Sorry, but this is weird, weird, weird.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/10/2019 16:42

she doesn't owe the OP anything at all. Whatever HIS intentions, HE shouldn't be doing this if it's upsetting the OP.

I disagree. While she might be completely innocent and not interested in the OP’s husband, I consider it thoughtless behaviour to be messaging and making plans with someone else’s husband. Maybe that’s just me, but, having been the victim of ‘we’re just friends’ myself, if I was making arrangements with someone else’s partner, I’d be careful to make sure their wife/GF knew i was ok.

Except she doesn't actually know the OP. It sounds like they're pretty much strangers because OP doesn't do school drop-off. Why would this woman want to go running with a virtual stranger?

She knows her well enough to say hello to. I’d have thought she’d be keen to speak to her friend’s partner - if only to ease any worries. Obviously, she doesn’t have to go running with her but it’s an opening for a chat.

kateandme · 07/10/2019 16:42

lottiegarbanzo this

slipperywhensparticus · 07/10/2019 16:43

I think people are saying she is after him because he is the one who is married

OP tell him if there is a them to spoil it for then there is no you and him he needs to get a job and take the kids 50/50 which will cut drastically into his "running" time

BloggersBlog · 07/10/2019 16:43

Presuming you are not married to a 12 year old ("you are ruining for us" wth??) just be very honest and tell him straight. I cant see you have any choice

Barbarara · 07/10/2019 16:48

I was prepared to say you were being U until I got to DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

He’s already invested in the wrong couple. I’m sorry OP but I’d be getting my paperwork in order and my ducks in a row.

LittleDancers · 07/10/2019 16:49

It's not a hobby that needs a companion for (such as a competitive sport like badminton or tennis). Even if nothing is going on, it's the sort of past time where it might look like something is going on/would raise a few eyebrows of acquaintances if not the actual spouse(s) and so it would feel a little disrespectful in that respect to the spouse(s) involved.

If I said I was taking up running with one of the dads from school, I don't think my DH would be impressed and even my friends who are fairly liberal would likely jokingly ask me or at least think that something more could be in mind, from either myself or the dad.

SmoothLawAbider · 07/10/2019 16:50

I kind of feel like you should just leave it be rather than assuming the worst. If he's so ready to cheat on you (or leave you for another woman) then you probably shouldn't be together anyway, right?

likeafishneedsabike · 07/10/2019 16:52

I would never ever, ever, ever lower myself to ‘having a word’ with the other woman and ‘marking her card’. Good God - if my marriage has come to the point where I was having to mark my territory then I would be making plans to split up!
Have some dignity, people!
It’s the husband’s choice and make it he will. However, it’s important that he fully understands the consequences of that choice, and that he also understands the boundaries of the OP. We all have different boundaries, as this thread illustrates. So make yours clear, OP, and never, ever consider doing the pick me dance.

SmoothLawAbider · 07/10/2019 16:52

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who I have to ban from seeing a woman to ensure that he doesn't cheat on me or leave me.

RegretnaGreen · 07/10/2019 16:54

Can you hide in the bushes and see if they are actually running together? In your shoes I would have to find out a tonne more info before I kicked his cheating arse out as he is setting it all up nicely for himself

Justaboy · 07/10/2019 16:55

Well if i was into running i would not expect my partner/spouse etc to put up with me running singley with another woman!

If i was a member of a mixed sexs club and there was more then the say one person then maybe, but this has all the foundations of Affair sorry but thats how i'd see it:(

If i were you OP i'd reign this in now befroe it goes any further!

TamarindCove · 07/10/2019 16:55

It’s the ever increasing closeness that would concern me and your husband referring to him and her as ‘us’, rather than you and him.

If they were just friendly at school run with a ‘do you fancy going for a run on Wednesday’ type message then i wouldn’t think too much of it. But it sounds more than that and I wouldn’t be comfortable about it.

If the boot were on the other foot my husband wouldn’t like it either.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2019 16:55

Speak to her first. Don’t accuse her of anything or be aggressive. Be friendly and say you’d heard she was planning on going running with your husband. Let her reaction inform you. If it was me, I’d also suggest she might prefer to go running with me as I’d always wanted a female running partner.

Oh my good God no! Do not do this. You'll make yourself look like you're pissing up your husband's leg, to mark you scent.

If you're going to speak to anyone about it, make sure it's him. Do not involve her in the conversation at all.

You're not married to her.

likeafishneedsabike · 07/10/2019 16:57

Ooooh I totally forgot! A woman in our village used to drop by all the time to see if my DF wanted to go jogging with her. He didn’t. On sports day the mums did a sack race including DM and this other woman. DM won, so her friend who was on the tannoy commented that ‘now we all know who’s better in the sack’. She never popped by looking for a running partner again.
That was in the 80s when it was ‘jogging’.

MikeUniformMike · 07/10/2019 16:57

I have had colleagues go out running and a few of them turned out to be having an affair.
Some didn't. When you run with someone you can chat, you get to know them.
In the cases I can think of, it was an attached man and a single woman.

I have gone out running many a time with a really nice male colleague. Nothing happened.

I would be willing to bet that there is at least an EA, and that it will lead to a physical affair. How convenient that it is something that will not raise suspicion if he comes home in need of a shower, that will not follow a regular route, won't need a phone ...
If they want to run together then they could join a running club.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 07/10/2019 16:58

Tbh, even if you're well wide of the mark, he should care more about your feelings than this. What a twat.

donethinkin · 07/10/2019 16:58

I think this is bizarre to be honest. He's suddenly decided to take up running which just happens to be the thing she wants to do...yeah, convenient eh plus giving you crap about not being comfortable with it. I'd work things out so that you do the 4 year old school drop off from now on. I'd say "I'm not comfortable with this situation so I will be doing the 4 year old drop off for the next year" then see if she talks to you. I wouldn't be having this personally. I'd tell him if he wants to engage with this woman then he can move out and do it that way. Is she married? Whats her situation?

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