To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

[Ickysnicky]

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

[MikeUniformMike]

Trust your 'spidey senses'.
Is she single?

[MulticolourMophead]

If nothing else he’s teetering on the brink of it being an emotional affair. The nonsense about you “ruining it” is him already establishing them both as the “we” and you as the threat to their relationship.

This. You're not ruining anything, he's beginning to detach from you.

[HotSauceCommittee]

I don’t know about this. I have plenty of male friends and one I do a hobby with. I’d be really bored and lonely if my DH got upset by it and I felt I couldn’t see them because of this. I’d also be in DH’s face with nothing to do all of the time and he’s be fed up of me.
I’m getting it’s the vibes you are getting as you’ve said your DH would be easily flattered (paraphrasing, can’t recall the exact words). It it all women who could be friends with your DH or just this on and your spidey-sensors, OP?

[Sron]

Some people sort of sink into a marriage and become too lazy to maintain other friendships and interests. I became friends with a male colleague a few years ago — he’s wonderful, and we’ve become very close — without realising it until I eventually met his wife. Then I understood why she regarded me as somewhere between a flash of lightning and a unicorn, because I hadn’t fully understood that he simply hadn’t kept up with friends since they’d been married — partly a really draining non 9-5 job, partly two complicated IVF experiences to have their children, partly laziness — and suddenly he was coming home in the evening talking about me. I think once she realised it was an entirely platonic situation, she was delighted.

It’s not healthy for anyone to depend emotionally entirely on their spouse.

[DoulaDaisy]

Convenient that they've both taken up running at literally the same time... ye know... a hobby that usually requires a shower afterwards because you get sweaty from it... so you wouldn't be questioning him coming home from his 'hobby' and showering?

Huge alarm bells ringing here.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

Sounds like he's establishing him and her as a couple

[Minioooons]

he seems defensive and has already 'warned' you. I wouldnt like this either.

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

Running as in horizontal jogging?

I'd be suspicious as hell.

[Skinnychip]

One of the best things about running is that you don't "need" anyone else to do it as you would football, tennis or to a certain degree, golf for example

[Bluntness100]

Op, just say it straight. Are you under the impression he fancies her. She fancies him and you don't trust him and think he will have an affair?

It's not "playing with fire" because that indicates accidentally getting burned, if someone is going to cheat it's a deliberate act.

So if you don't trust him and think he's going to cheat, end it. You can't ban him from female friendships because you don't trust him.

So say it straight, what's your issue and if it's you don't trust your husband to not cheat on you get out the marriage. If you're just jealous and insecure then these are your issues to resolve and you can't make them his,

[FrivolousPancake]

Trust your gut OP and don’t listen to the “I’m such a cool wife” nonsense.

This is weird, his reaction is odd and this is generally exactly how things start.

[Merryoldgoat]

Why does everyone on here pretend stuff like this is totally normal?

OP - yes, your husband is playing with fire and pushing the boundaries of acceptability and he knows it.

The thing is, if he wants to cheat he will.

This is how I’d deal with it:

I’d say ‘I’m not going to stop you having friends, and I’m not going to stop you enjoying a new hobby. But I’m telling you this: if you cross the line it’s finished. It’s over. Because it’s not an accident. So you make your choice.’

And then I’d leave it and make my preparations.

[sandragreen]

Oh gosh I remember when I was about 20 I started "running" with a male friend (who had a GF) I had my eye on.

Within two weeks we were at it!

As PP have said - it's running, not badminton. He doesn't need a partner and his reaction is odd. It sounds like he is investing in her emotionally and checking out of your marriage.

[CornishCreation]

He knows you're uncomfortable with this yet decided that this relationship was more important to him than your feelings as if you're less important than her?

Do you feel she is the other woman as she's not a mutual friend?

[AlexaAmbidextra]

*Can't you just be happy that your husband takes the kids to school, has made a friend, and is keeping fit?g

Are some really this naive or are they being deliberately obtuse?

[missyB1]

I’d be suspicious I’m afraid.

[MonnaLIza]

Ok sorry I re-read your post - this is nothing like my experience (mates from the same running club, all nutters about running) - they have just taken it up together. This would really worry me. I would not be happy about it at all.

[FrivolousPancake]

Why does everyone on here pretend stuff like this is totally normal?

Exactly what I was thinking! I have a very “colorful” bunch of friends but there’s not one that this would wash with 🙄

[ChilledBee]

What going running with a mate?

[Merryoldgoat]

@FrivolousPancake

I know. I’m an genuinely one of the least jealous people and this would have all my bells ringing.

[cansmellfreedom]

Very dodgy

[KidLorneRoll]

Men and women can, in actual fact, be friends without wanting to jump into bed with each other.

You either trust him or you don't, if you've no reason to distrust him other than his running partner having tits then that is on you, and you can either get over it or deal with the fallout of him dealing with finding out you don't trust him.

[Babyg1995]

I wouldn't be happy and neither would my dp if it was the other way round. Do you think he would be ok with you doing this and warning him not to ruin it ?

[missyB1]

are some really naive or are they being deliberately obtuse

They are trying to prove how “super cool” their own relationships are.

[EagleVisionSquirrelWork]

Not so easy for OP to suggest she runs with him instead. If they have primary age kids that would mean getting a babysitter every time they want to go out for a run, which isn't really practical.

For me, two red flags. One is the 'you'll be spoiling it for us' comment, which is a shitty way to react to your reasonable attempt to discuss this. The other is the fact that the school mum isn't interested in being friendly with you. I think we all know that if this was innocent running fun, the mum would bend over backwards to make sure you feel comfortable with the arrangement.

Trust your judgement, OP. Spoil their fun in the first instance, and then put some energy into finding out what about this arrangement was attractive to your DH - was it the prospect of a running partner or was it the attention from another woman. Then address that. I'd be doing the school run myself for a couple of weeks if possible too.

But ultimately if he wants to look elsewhere, you probably can't stop him.