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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
HillRunner · 07/10/2019 16:09

And FWIW, I think it sounds all kinds of dodgy.

Surenuff · 07/10/2019 16:11

Don't think you can tell any adult to tone things down - he already knows how you feel about it and instead of talking rationally has turned it round on you. Think you should call him on his emotional blackmail, state again that you're not happy with this and the ball's in his court.

KeepingTheHouse · 07/10/2019 16:12

I think the strangest part of this is that she doesn’t make an effort to speak to or get to know you. If I had a new close friendship with a man with a wife/girlfriend then I would make an effort to get to know his other half out of respect.

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 16:12

just give her the get your claws into someone else & destroy their family you're not going to fuck with mine stare

Wow. You know she can't do anything to the OP's family without the active participation of the OP's DH? If the OP needs to 'protect" her DH that fiercely, he isn't worth it.

RedPanda2 · 07/10/2019 16:13

Wow
I have a male runing friend that I message often, train and do events with. I do not want to fuck him! Believe your intuition but not every woman wants to shag your husband.

greenwitch1 · 07/10/2019 16:13

If it was just going running together I wouldnt be concerned - I know a fair few people who go running together and aren't all the same sex! However it's the messaging and talking about her. Your gut is telling you it's not right so it does need addressing. Have you seen the messages?

Snowpatrolling · 07/10/2019 16:14

So he would prefer to ruin his marriage instead of ruining his little hobby? Nah way.

Viviene · 07/10/2019 16:14

You will not stop him cheating if he wants to cheat - don't even try to fool yourself you have that power.

bookwormsforever · 07/10/2019 16:14

Can't you just be happy that your husband takes the kids to school, has made a friend, and is keeping fit? Do you have any friends or hobbies?

Wow, @NewNameGuy, how patronising are you?!!

I'm sure op has plenty of friends and hobbies, But she is - rightly - concerned about her h who is very friendly with a woman at school. He never speaks to anyone else at school. DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend.
DH said that if I said he shouldn't go [to his new hobby] then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

Massive red flag. He could run by himself, join a running club, etc.
He's putting himself and this woman as 'them' and you as the outsider. he shold mbe concerned about your feelings here, not his.

OP, I'm sorry. What are you going to do?

Snowpatrolling · 07/10/2019 16:14

Like somebody else said it’s not the actions per say it’s the defensive way he reacted.

Mordred · 07/10/2019 16:15

My friend's DW joined a running club. Obsessed, she was, out all the time, marathons etc etc, while he stayed at home and looked after their 1 year old DD.

Turns out she was shagging a fellow runner. My mate found out when she gave him an STI.

RaquelWelch · 07/10/2019 16:15

I would be extremely uneasy with this. He is whingeing that you will ruin it as he wants to make it look like you are the one being unreasonable for being uncomfortable with the situation. He is being a total dick and I would not put up with it. It would be a different story if it was a club and not just the two of them. Could you talk to the other mother to let her know how you feel?

1onelyranger · 07/10/2019 16:15

I don't think you can control his behaviour, only your own.

Shplot · 07/10/2019 16:16

He made a friend, and?
I think you’re jumping the gun a bit, maybe they just get on well. She doesn’t know you as you don’t do the school run so why would she be super friendly to you?

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 16:16

So he would prefer to ruin his marriage instead of ruining his little hobby? Nah way.

So you'd bow to the control yeah?

BreatheAndFocus · 07/10/2019 16:17

so how do i stop it before it becomes a thing? I don't want to come in all guns blazing. I just want to say firmly to tone things down, etc

Speak to her first. Don’t accuse her of anything or be aggressive. Be friendly and say you’d heard she was planning on going running with your husband. Let her reaction inform you. If it was me, I’d also suggest she might prefer to go running with me as I’d always wanted a female running partner. If she gets uncomfortable, so be it. Whatever her intentions, she shouldn’t be doing this if it’s upsetting you.

If you can take-over the school runs that would be good.

Straycats · 07/10/2019 16:18

I'd go by gut instinct, you've been with him long enough to have a good idea and his excuses in laying blame at your feet, I'd be furious with him. Years ago I had the same situation with school mum too, she wasn't interested in talking to me and I was always on the school run! Anyway we've been together 30 plus years.

Blue7 · 07/10/2019 16:21

I wouldn't like it and neither would my Husband.

We both work hard and cherish the time we have together. So no I wouldn't want going out all the time with another woman.

It's just the relationship we have. My ex on the hand, I would have paid some woman to take him running or whatever.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/10/2019 16:23

I wouldn't be happy with it and I know my dh wouldn't be either if it was me.

I suggest you tell him straight. It's bordering on being inappropriate you're not spoiling anything. If he wants to go running, tell him he can join a running club. Your thoughts and feelings towards this situation should result in him trying to alleviate your fears and put you first. The 'we' bit would have bothered me the most

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 16:26

I’d also suggest she might prefer to go running with me as I’d always wanted a female running partner. If she gets uncomfortable, so be it.

Except she doesn't actually know the OP. It sounds like they're pretty much strangers because OP doesn't do school drop-off. Why would this woman want to go running with a virtual stranger?

If the wife of someone I knew (but didn't know his wife) came up to me and said they wanted to go running with me, I'd find it downright weird. And I'm a runner.

This scenario does sound dodgy, but the OP demanding to go running with this woman is definitely not the solution!

She needs to have an adult conversation with her DH where she explains her concerns. And if the DH doesn't engage sensibly, she needs to consider where to go from there. But the woman hasn't done anything to warrant the OP challenging her.

Salene · 07/10/2019 16:27

I would suggest he joins a club and tell him you want to take up running. I often take my kids to park and run around while they play so there is ways to do it even with kids or get your kids involved. I would say he clearly likes her company and I would be wary of where it might lead.

BrieAndChilli · 07/10/2019 16:27

my DH started running with a woman he met at the gym. He knew other women from the gym he was friendly with but something about this one just gave me a gut feeling. she then split up with her husband. me and DH nearly split up over it, as i wasnt happy with the friendship. anway he stopped going running with her and she moved on to a new male running partner who she ended up having an affair with.

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 16:28

Whatever her intentions, she shouldn’t be doing this if it’s upsetting you.

She doesn't owe the OP anything at all. Whatever HIS intentions, HE shouldn't be doing this if it's upsetting the OP.

anomoony · 07/10/2019 16:28

He's talking about her as though she's his girlfriend and he's 15 years old.

Yes, this. Moooooom, you're ruining it for us! He's positioning them together as a team and you on the outside. That's not good, whatever the cool guys and gals here tell you.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/10/2019 16:28

There is a 'them'.

If running was the important thing, he would have found another way to do it if you weren't happy.

She and 'they' are the important thing.

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