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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 07/10/2019 17:00

Two camps here - the cool girls who have no problem with their H running alone with another woman and texting all the time then there are the uncool girls ( me included) who think WTF ? Run in groups and lets face it there's only so much you can say about Strava Confused

As for this " DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault" - he's a cheeky bastard

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2019 17:00

All the points people are making about male/female friendships, and running for that matter, are sort of debatable.I don't run alone because I need held to account. I wasn't I am group for ages because I was shit and it was embarrassing. I have male friends I'm close to.

The issue for me is that he knew you wouldn't be happy, and wasn't worried about your feelings, just his plans.

DH recently got a bit worried about a man at work I GUSH about and work away with alone. I noticed he was looking a little miffed so I reassured him. That I love him, this man is absolutely no threat whatsoever to our marriage, he's extremely happily married and so am I, he's the opposite of my type and so on. Your DH didn't want to reassure you.

Witchend · 07/10/2019 17:03

As a married bloke, I think that would be definitely off limits, wouldn't even think of doing it. I have played tennis and badminton, and I have seen numerous marriages wrecked when mixed doubles partners develop more than an on court relationship.

I was going to say the same about tennis. And that is something where you need a partner and are on court with 2 other people.

pinkcardi · 07/10/2019 17:03

There's a dad at school that I became chatty with. Turns out we both enjoyed the same hobby. Before I embarked on activity with him I ran it past my DH, because it's normal not to want to hurt your partner, to make sure they are comfortable with what you are doing.

I would never have taken this male friendship into WhatsApp or FB chatting....that's a step too far isn't it. This would worry me as much as his attitude to you and your legitimate concerns.

Always trust your instincts

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 07/10/2019 17:06

OP, I'd say to him that you weren't particularly worried about this friendship until he started positioning it as something that could be "ruined" if he doesn't get to go running with her. I'd ask him how he would feel if you suddenly started messaging and arranging to spend time with another man while he stayed at home looking after your kids, time that was suddenly so important to you that you would feel something would be "ruined" if you were prevented from seeing this new man in your life. I think he'll either get it and be able to put your mind at rest, which would be great, or he'll become even more defensive which wouldn't bode well.

Is running something you have been or would be interested in if childcare wasn't an issue? Is he choosing to do with her something you would have quite liked to do with him yourself? Or has he (potentially deliberately) chosen a hobby you have no interest in, perhaps precisely so there's less chance of you saying "hey, why don't we get a sitter and go running together instead"?

LL83 · 07/10/2019 17:06

Tell Dh affairs dont start as affairs its friendships that cross a boundary. Tell him to watch out for this and if he ever feels he is being disloyal (long before anything happens) to remember what you have as a family and distance himself from friendship. Ask him why he "knew you would be uncomfortable?" And how he would feel if it situation was reversed.

Then you really have to trust him. There isnt much else you can do.

PrettyPurse · 07/10/2019 17:08

@TheStuffedPenguin - l was a Cool Girl..

And then XH left me for her...

I want to be cool again... but currently I'm still in the WTF Club.

walkaroundtheblock · 07/10/2019 17:08

@Bluntness100 if you read my post properly I think you'll see that I did say that "he's either dim or up for it"!

parrotonthesofa · 07/10/2019 17:08

Hmmm is think if they want to have an affair, they will regardless of the running.
I think you may already have a problem.
If possible, you need to have an honest chat with him about his feelings and intentions.

As an aside, I had a period a few years ago of going running with a male friend that. I'd recently met. It really was that we both wanted to run and had similar levels of fitness. Dh wasn't bothered because he knew that it was literally just that.

Blue7 · 07/10/2019 17:11

Also, I wouldn't want to run with someone's Husband.

Why would I want another Woman to feel shitty.

PixieDustt · 07/10/2019 17:11

Hmm, track their route, hide in a bush and jump out on them?
That was lighthearted of course! But maybe considerate it. Wink

The fact he is saying WE and you would ruin it is bizarre. OP stand your ground and say you're not happy with it. See how he reacts then. If he still go ahead with it, I think you have your answer.

bakesalesally · 07/10/2019 17:12

I would invite her for Sunday lunch. Personally. I wouldn't run it past DH first, I would just do it, and not let her wriggle out of it. And look her in the eye and smile as much as possible.

Then take it from there.

RhinoskinhaveI · 07/10/2019 17:15

if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault
gaslighting bullshit...he's already on the defensive, what is he protecting?
Why cant he run on his own, does he need her to hold his hand?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2019 17:15

Also, I wouldn't want to run with someone's Husband.

I run with several women's husbands. In a group but we often have days when there are just one or two people. If you are similarly paced and they are someone you can run with (there are so many people I can't, super-chatty for example) why not?

The difference is whether you actually want to cheat. There was a man who joined our group, very flirty with me. He got shut down quickly and I think he's now shagging one of the other women (who turns up with make up so I assume also wanted to hook up).

His additional behaviour is worrying, not the running.

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 17:18

I climb with a female friend. She approached me one night at the climbing wall and we clicked straight away, which isn't usual for me.

We go out drinking together too, are currently organising a weekend away with each other, we text each other pretty much every day...

My partner has never questioned this

I'll tell her how wrong she is tonight Confused

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:19

Good God - if my marriage has come to the point where I was having to mark my territory then I would be making plans to split up! Have some dignity, people! It’s the husband’s choice and make it he will.

This. If anyone thinks that an affair can be prevented by metaphorically pissing all over their husband, they are deluded. And if the OP tries to take it up with this woman, she will look like a fool.

OP - take it up with your husband. You really need to have a proper conversation with him about it, whether he wants to or not.

bakesalesally · 07/10/2019 17:20

@easyandy101 ??? I don't understand what you are saying?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/10/2019 17:20

I’m not sure about all this, “Well if he was going to do it, he’d do it: you just have to trust him.”

Men, even nice men, can be easily led if someone is massaging their ego and offering an escape from the every day. I think I would like to ensure my DH does not put himself in a situation where things could develope. I think I owe that to my children.

Possibly this is being controlling. Me and DH have been strong together for nearly 30 years. It works for us so I give zero fucks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2019 17:20

@easyandy101 would you shag her if you were single? Because my successful male friendships have always been with men I wouldn't.

Mummadeeze · 07/10/2019 17:22

I am not sure there is anything wrong with him making a female friend and going running with her personally. I have a male friend who I have run with before and I don’t find him in the least bit attractive and we are not in any way flirty. We usually talk about work and our families and it is completely normal. I know it may not be the case here but don’t jump to conclusions that may not be valid either.

AllFourOfThem · 07/10/2019 17:23

Do you think they actually want to go running together or does he just want an excuse for spending time alone with her and then coming home covered in sweat?

cacklingmags · 07/10/2019 17:24

He is putting you second to his new BFF. That is not how marriage works and he knows it - trying to tell you not to ruin it like your his fucking mummy. Tell him straight that you don't want him to run with her. I would be very wary for a while - make sure you can manage if he does fuck off, what a sod he is being to make you feel like this. Protect your family as best you can.

Teateaandmoretea · 07/10/2019 17:25

Also, I wouldn't want to run with someone's Husband.

🤣🤣 DH has a female running partner (amongst other male ones). He sometimes just meets her - she's too fast to run with other women, personally I hate running but I imagine it's more fun with company. I'm not threatened by it. Do you have a particularly magnetic effect on men?

I reckon trust your instincts OP, the running bit/ other people's thoughts on running partners is irrelevant what matters is that you feel uncomfortable.

Sron · 07/10/2019 17:26

Or they have a secure and healthy relationship with the person they love and trust. DH works out with women from MA all the time. They even do these weird stretches on each other. And as I said, I go to comedy with a dad from school at least once a month. Never even met his wife.

Yes, this. Deriding this as 'cool wife' stuff is really misogynist. I tend to think that DH and I have been happy together for 28 years because we have good friendships and don't restrict one another's relationships in case we start shagging someone. I can't imagine going around on some kind of state of red alert. Maybe your DH is just excited to have a new friend -- I think meeting someone you really gel with, especially if work has not been somewhere you made friends previously, can be genuinely exciting, in a completely platonic way.

And, OP, I don't think that your husband's running partner not wanting to be particular friends with you is any cause for alarm. I have a male friend whose wife I am also good friends with, but I also have two others, one whose wife I don't much care for, and one whose wife I've only met once -- I am friends with their husbands, not them, and I think it would be weirdly insulting to perform some kind of fake friendliness with people I haven't the slightest interest in getting close to purely so that I can reassure them I'm not after their husbands' bodies. Hmm

Neither do I automatically make friends with my female friends' husbands.

whatthehek · 07/10/2019 17:27

I'd find yourself a male friend. You'll soon see a change of attitude.

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