To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

[Ickysnicky]

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

[Hadalifeonce]

When pregnant (raging hormones) DH had a female friend at work, they would go out for drinks after work, with and without other colleagues. One evening I was supposed to be going out with friends, and he invited her to our house, for various reasons we didn't go out, so we were all at home.
After the colleague left, I told DH that I thought she was a nice lady, but I was very uncomfortable with their relationship. He reassured me that nothing was going on, AND he stopped going for drinks after work with her; he was more invested in my happiness that hers. We are now good friends with her and her husband.

[MouthyHarpy]

I would love to but I work and am so busy with the children. He started talking about getting me involved but he didn't want me to join the chat group for the club so I could be involved and now he says that I'm taking over something that was his hobby

So it's OK for him to have a hobby, but you can't? How's the split of home work and paid work in your family and between the 2 of you? You've already taken the lion's share of emotional labour for the family and you marriage - do you do most of the rest of it as well?

He seems quite self-centred from reading your posts.

Is this the real issue, not the female colleague?

What about doing a household & family work audit - write down all the things that need to be done to keep the household and your family running happily: earning money, doing the washing up, being on hand to care for ill family members, birthday arrangements etc etc.

And look at who does what, and how much leisure time you each have. Might be helpful to help you work out why you're feeling discombobulated.

[Ickysnicky]

It's a bit of both I think. DH does nothing around the house and really no childcare, whilst I do it all and work 20+ hours a week.

With this, the breakdown, and now this woman. I just feel like he's really pushing it It's like he gets to do whatever he wants and with whomever he wants and I have to suck it up or he's not happy.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Jeez Ickysnicky, what do you get out of the relationship?

[SummerWhisper]

Ickysnicky you should read your last paragraph to him. That is all he needs to hear. If he is a decent man, he will cease contact. If he keeps changing the goalposts, he is more into her than he is into you. I'm sorry

[MouthyHarpy]

Oh, @Ickysnicky poor you. You sound really down. And you sound really sad about the state of the relationship. And you sound just - well, exhausted.

I hope you and he can talk and that he really listens to you. It doesn't seem as though it's primarily about this woman - it sounds as though she's a symptom of his lack of fundamental care for you. I hope you find a way through this

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

With this, the breakdown, and now this woman. I just feel like he's really pushing it It's like he gets to do whatever he wants and with whomever he wants and I have to suck it up or he's not happy

I'm afraid that's exactly what he's doing OP

[triceratopswouldlikehats]

@Ickysnicky I'm so sorry. You are knackered op, understandably. Frankly I don't know how you haven't told him to pull his weight or fuck off. You have the patience of a saint.

I appreciate the breakdown would have changed the dynamic of how you handle issues within the relationship because if that were my husband I think deep down I'd be concerned that things could set him back somehow, (not that it would be your fault)so I can imagine it's a really difficult thing to even approach.


But he's clearly in a great place and it's about time you had the support reciprocated.

I don't think it's controlling or abnormal to not be happy with their relationship. I'm not a controlling person but I wouldn't be able to continue with my relationship if I felt so undervalued and humiliated, because that's how a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex he'd met recently would make me feel.

Do you feel like you can ask him to stop? More importantly, do you want to?

[Ickysnicky]

That's exactly how I feel. He's in a really good place and I'm so afraid of set backs as I really don't think I could go through all that again. It completely broke me last time. I was on the floor.

[BuildBuildings]

I've read through this post and lots of what you're saying makes me feel uneasy. He's putting a lot on you. You'll be spoiling it, you need to keep everything together, you're the problem being uncomfortable.
I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable about this situation. There's been some great points on this thread from some women who've been there or seen it via friends and family. I'm not sure I can add more except pay attention to this advice and your instincts.
There also sounds like bigger issues in your relationship aside from this one thing. Like his lack of housework and childcare.

[MouthyHarpy]

It completely broke me last time. I was on the floor.

And he doesn't see this? THat's not really a "good" place for him. Selfish maybe ...

How would he respond if you did breakdown visibly?

[timeisnotaline]

You do all the income earning, all the housework, all the childcare except the school run, and have to be careful to make sure he can do anything that makes him happy? Time to do a chore roster, schedule which days he cooks dinner and find your own hobby OP.

[Gruzinkerbell1]

Sounds like he has a great little gig going on right now.

What about you? You don’t sound happy at all? And that should be his first concern.

[Drabarni]

OP, was his breakdown diagnosed by a doctor? Did he have treatment?

[Ickysnicky]

No, he refused. I had to deal with it all on my own and he knew it, all whilst threatening to leave almost every other day I couldn't even bring myself to tell my family. I was under so much pressure at the time it was unbearable.

[Drabarni]

I'm sorry but I'd be questioning the breakdown too OP.
He really isn't coming across well at all, please consider your future with him, you can do much better.
Who diagnosed the breakdown, himself?

[Villanellebelle]

What are they messaging about? And what was the event they went to that was not school related? Does the woman have a husband/ partner?

[Laiste]

What was the cause of the breakdown? Work stress? Or family bereavement or something?

It sounds as if (as with most relationship problems) it's quite a tangled web. It sounds as if you are far less happy and secure than he is. It sounds as if he either doesn't know or doesn't care.

If i was your friend i think i'd be suggesting that you ask him to attend a few councelling sessions together in order to get him to listen and understand exactly what you have got going on. As you have here. I think he needs to know that you're under tremendous pressure right now and the marriage is in slow collapse. And the reason/s why.

[ChristinaMarlowe]

Hm. It's an awful feeling when you really don't know if you're unreasonable/paranoid or if you'rr being played. I'm inclined to agree with @MonnaLIza , but there's a massive variable at play - providing they are similar age and/or fitness level and/or weight etc. it is not suspicious unless you show an interest and get brushed off by one (or, worse, by both!) of them. You don't need to go running or be OTT keen but mention a passing interest and then spring a casual bold statement like, "Well I made my mind up and to make sure I don't bail I've ordered these trainers - research suggedts they are good for beginners so.." Trust me, if you're ready and waiting for a response you will see one if it's there. The brief confusion element where he has to listen/process/register and then jump to alert pre-response will give even a good liar away.
Don't over react, obssess or accuse. Decide if you trust him and if not then try the shopping for joining-in-outfits thing. I hope it's nothing. If they are both total beginners or one is peak fitness one is over weight or whatever then more than a few months of it is indicative of meeting to jog together and chat, no more and no less.

[SummerWhisper]

He's using and abusing you. He has knowingly put you under an enormous amount of pressure and anxiety, does sod all to co-parent if it's not convenient for him, does sod all around the house then proceeds to have a cosy little hobby with another woman and wilfully excludes you. I am seething on your behalf. He is a wanker. Kick him out and live the life you should be living.

[Iamdobby63]

Is the running group connected to the school or just a local one - and who invited who?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP, I think this friendship is even more concerning when it appears that his ‘breakdown’ involved him telling you he’s leaving.

Personally I’m wondering if his acknowledgment that it’s ‘crossing the line’ is him appearing reasonable and honest but will work on you via emotional blackmail.

It’s very difficult to prevent an affair, you’ve laid your concerns out for him and if he chooses to escalate this then he knows what is at stake.

[BreatheAndFocus]

He's in a really good place and I'm so afraid of set backs as I really don't think I could go through all that again. It completely broke me last time. I was on the floor

That sounds an enormous pressure on you.

Did I read that wrong or are you saying you’re hesitant about being too forceful about this woman and the running in case he has a setback? Because if that’s what you’re worried about - or even if he thinks you might be worried about that happening - then that gives him a lot of emotional leverage and opportunities to guilt-trip you into backing off from questioning him or asking him not to do things.

I really wouldn’t let him do that. You deserve to be happy and relaxed and to have some care given to you now.

Don’t let him use his breakdown to dictate to you what you have to put up with. Your needs are as important as his.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

@Ickysnicky another one warning you to get tougher.

You have to give him a clear warning what he is threatening to damage, you have to give him a clear consequence, and you have to mean it.

The more you describe him, the more entitled and selfish he sounds. What is the one characteristic required to have an affair? ENTITLEMENT. Its funny how all the people here who have been cheated on, can see the signs. He has already gone over I fear. This stuff is headily addictive.

She can join but he doesn't want you to join? #1. sign for me.

Your pussy footing around is actually increasing the threat to your marriage. I wish I had been stronger and not handed over so much power.

Oh, yes, my exH also told me he was having a breakdown and was severely depressed when he was cock deep in his junior co worker and several prostitutes.

Yes he was depressed. He was having a major temper tantrum about getting old and not achieving his goals. When does MH involve immorality and emotional abuse and destroying your family? It doesn't.

[triceratopswouldlikehats]

God, I'm sorry op. It sounds worse with every post.

What about you? How does he contribute to your happiness? What joy does he bring to your life?

I appreciate you're in a shitty spot given you have dc etc but you just sound at the end of your tether. It comes to a point where you have to sit down and think, regardless of whether he's crossing the line with his new buddy or not do you even want to be with him?

You live one life op, don't regret being miserable and worn out because you've accepted your husband is a selfish arse and that's just how he is. What about you?

[MouthyHarpy]

@Ickysnicky no wonder you're emotionally exhausted.

I hope you can have a serious conversation with your DH. Because you sound so deeply hopeless and distressed - this silly woman hanging about is just the trigger & a distraction. The real problem is your DH's emotional stupidity.

If men only new how their self-centredness kills marriages. It wouldn't take much for him to return your care of him by putting you first.