To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

[Ickysnicky]

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

[Iamdobby63]

I don’t think I could deal with all this emotional blackmail, I think I would be telling him that he knows what’s at stake and that you are not going to be treated like a mug and that HE should do what HE thinks is right.

Leave it all up to him, if he continues they way he is going then it will most likely chip away at your feelings for him anyway.

Your happiness is just as important as his.

[Ickysnicky]

I think I've just got myself further into a hole. This weekend I have gone on about this bloody woman so much that even when I had a conversation to dd about her friend (said woman's DD), DH has got very angry at me.

I am so lost and now there is this weirdness around this family that I think it will encourage more secrets and lies.

[SweetMarmalade]

Sorry if this has been asked before but how do they message eachother?

Is it via fb messenger, whatsapp group chat or mobile phone texts? Do they message eachother often?

I’ve been gaslighted before, it all started via fb, then went into mobile texting and then meet ups and the rest.

I felt something wasn’t right, even before I found out all the awful stuff (need another thread to explain) something felt ‘off’ and I seriously wouldn’t ever doubt my gut instinct again.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. Your dh needs to back off now he knows how you feel. There’s nothing stopping him doing the school run, he can do quick drop offs, he doesn’t have to stand around chatting, go together, up your school runs temporarily.

[SummerWhisper]

You've rumbled him, hence his anger.

The absolute cheek of him, getting angry at you. He's protecting what they have, not your marriage. The only option now is to give him an ultimatum.

It's not really about her, but his willingness to constantly put himself first at your expense. Make that message clear and stick to it.

[Burpsandrustles]

Op I'm with the get tough crowd.

Draw line and that's it.
My dh runs and I'd be very uncomfortable with what your describing.

If I had close male friendship (I do) s and my dh said..it makes him feel deeply insecure I'd be more interested in his feelings. And how to keep my friendship and reassure dh.

But ultimately dh is my priority.
Unless of course we are talking about general insecure nightmare of jealously.


If my dh did not respond to me, put my fears at rest and do any number of calming reasonable measures then I'd be looking at leaving him. And making moves too and making it clear.

[FeckOffGraham]

Yep, he's annoyed you've potentially ruined his relationship with the new friend.

You're working to protect your marriage. Even if you're wrong, (you aren't, as even he admitted), about this friendship being inappropriate, he should be less concerned about his friendship with her and more concerned about your marriage.

Fwiw, I would say the same thing if the roles were reversed and you were a man. If dh was concerned about a friendship I had with a man I would be more worried about preserving my marriage than preserving a fairly new friendship.

[MouthyHarpy]

It's not really about her, but his willingness to constantly put himself first at your expense

This.

But please, on behalf of your DD and your other children, don't involve your DC in your problems with your husband. I'm speaking from experience of being my mother's shoulder to weep on when my father was having one of his affairs. I know how tough it was for my mother, but really it's not a young child's job to be an emotional support to their parents in their relationship difficulties. It's really not great for daughters for their mothers to use them as "friends" - vent here. this is probably an overreaction but please be careful

[Isthisit22]

I'm beginning to think you'd be better off without him OP.
You seem a shadow of yourself--desperately walking on egg shells, letting him do anything he wants so that he won't leave.
Make some boundaries. Tell him to stop messaging her. If he won't (which he won't) then tell him to leave.
Think you'll find (after a while) you'll be much happier without him.

[Ickysnicky]

I am walking on eggshells and I have told him so. Every time I bring him up on something he's doing that's not fair or upsetting me, he will turn completely like he hates me. Thia weekend this behaviour has resulted in him being utterly vile, yet he's been rewarded by sitting with his feet up and going out to the pub for hours at a time whilst I work and do everything for the children/house. This started during his breakdown when I daren't say anything to upset him.

I don't know what has triggered what. Maybe I am so emotionally hurt from that period, that I am now looking for reasons. I just don't know if I can trust myself anymore.

[0lga]

You have referred several times to his breakdown and yet you say that he didn't have any diagnosis or treatment from a doctor.

So who was it that diagnosed this breakdown? And what were the symptoms , apart from sitting with his feet up and going to the pub ?

[everythingbackbutyou]

@ickysnicky, I could have written your latest post, minus the breakdown part, but all the rest is a yes with bells on. My dh has a firnedship at work that I think borders on the inappropriate, which I am keeping my eye on. Currently planning my exit strategy regardless (also have 3 kids) primarily because I have reached my limit after 2 decades of marriage to a person whom I strongly suspect of being a covert narcissist at worst, common or garden abuser at best

[SummerWhisper]

he will turn completely like he hates me ...he does hate you., there's no "like" about it. He treats you with contempt and you reward him by doing everything.

Imagine how nice life would be without him, where you and your children enjoy your time together. You are missing out on the real joy of motherhood because this prick assumes he needs more time and attention than a newborn whilst in the house and the freedom of a batchelor whilst out of it. I fucking hate him. Why don't you?

[INeedAFlerken]

He does hate you: he is treating you with utter contempt. ANd he ramps it up when you start to point out the inequity so he can swan off and put his feet up with his mates while you do even more of the heavy lifting to get him to stop being so vile.

Run, OP, run. Get legal advice, get your affairs in order, and run.

[Beansandcoffee]

My ex H had a breakdown. He was actually having an affair and the deceit etc led to him thinking he was having a breakdown. He too was vile to me and did nothing around the house. Thankfully he eventually admitted he was having an affair before he wore me down as I was starting to think I had lost the plot. He then left immediately and moved in with the OW immediately.

[MouthyHarpy]

Maybe I am so emotionally hurt from that period, that I am now looking for reasons. I just don't know if I can trust myself anymore

I'd say your responses are pretty trustworthy. He is behaving very badly - trust yourself - your instincts are good.

I think you're scared of the consequences of trusting your instincts and feelings and rational judgements. Because it means that you have to face the emerging facts that your husband doesn't really value you or his marriage.

That's a huge thing to face. No wonder you're distraught and upset. Good luck

[MouthyHarpy]

Just to add - alythoughyou're thinking about your feelings - don't let him gaslight you that these are irrational.

You're being completely rational in your response to his selfish behaviour.

Each post you make reveals that his behaviour is worse than you actually say in your first post.

[Tistheseason17]

So he did not have a diagnosed breakdown?
Are you certain he's not just a complete twunt taking advantage of you and gaslighting you?

[AlexaAmbidextra]

His ‘breakdown’ is very convenient for him isn’t it? He knows he has you dancing to his tune, afraid to question or disagree with him in case he has another ‘breakdown’. He’s full of shit.

[TheKarateKitty]

Sorry you are going through this all. Your feelings are valid and certainly rational!
He’s mistreating you and playing you for a fool. You’re not a fool though, he is! Get your t’s crossed and i’s dotted and be prepared to get rid.

You don’t deserve that treatment, and you don’t want your DC to see that dynamic and grow up thinking it’s okay for men to do nothing, and to treat women like shit. Would he even do the school run if it didn’t benefit his ego? Definitely he’s the problem and not the “running partner.”

I’ve been there in a similar situation, was married to an emotionally abusive prick that didn’t lift a finger to help. I was doing all the work so it was actually a huge relief to get rid of the man sized petulant child. My DC and I are healthier for it. Mine did the little tantrums too when confronted with crap behavior.

Like others, I don’t believe your husband had a breakdown. That’s a tool he’s using to manipulate you and falls back on to excuse his crap.

[stucknoue]

Is this woman single? It's perfectly feasible that's it's purely platonic but I too would be suspicious. It's certainly how my friends affair started, she then left her husband for him. (In a strange twist of fate, her ex messaged me through my dating app to go out yesterday!)

[andyoldlabour]

Sorry to hear all this is still going OP.
With regard to the "breakdown", I had one following an illness and job loss, and the last thing I wanted to do was socialise with anyone, let alone strike up a new "friendship".
I have to say, he is taking you for granted, guilt tripping you and destroying your confidence.

[Wonkybanana]

I'm sorry OP but I think this was always going to happen. You know it sounds dodgy, and he knows it does too. And he knows that you know it does. But by saying just enough to get your whiskers twitching, he's now making it into your fault.

The next step will be when you find out it's turned into a full on physical affair. And it won't be because that's what he wanted to happen all along, oh no. It will be because you didn't trust him so you forced him into it. He's played a long(ish) game. You gave him no choice, so he isn't responsible in any way for his actions.

Twat. He's grown man capable of making decisions for himself. If I were you, and however much you don't want to hear it, I'd be quietly sorting out paperwork and finances and making plans for what you want to happen when it comes to the inevitable.