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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 07/10/2019 15:52

Alarm bells here just for his defensive reaction. And all of suddenly they’re running together. I’d be suspicious if I’m honest.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 07/10/2019 15:52

I like Merryoldgoat's suggestion above as well.

Lockshunkugel · 07/10/2019 15:52

I would tell him that he is making you very uncomfortable with this friendship and that yes, you are perfectly willing to ‘ruin’ his fun with his new friend for the sake of your family’s wellbeing. He needs to decide what his priorities are.

Tableclothing · 07/10/2019 15:53

What are they messaging each other about?

andyoldlabour · 07/10/2019 15:53

As a married bloke, I think that would be definitely off limits, wouldn't even think of doing it. I have played tennins and badminton, and I have seen numerous marriages wrecked when mixed doubles partners develop more than an on court relationship.

ChilledBee · 07/10/2019 15:54

Or they have a secure and healthy relationship with the person they love and trust. DH works out with women from MA all the time. They even do these weird stretches on each other. And as I said, I go to comedy with a dad from school at least once a month. Never even met his wife.

Gustavo1 · 07/10/2019 15:54

I wouldn’t find this normal. It’s almost like dating. Getting to know each other, texting, starting to do things together.
If you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, I think that should be enough to stop him. All this talk of “ruining it” is ridiculous. They’re planning on going for a run together. You would prefer they didn’t. They run separately. I can’t see what’s ruined to be honest Hmm

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 15:55

I’d say ‘I’m not going to stop you having friends, and I’m not going to stop you enjoying a new hobby. But I’m telling you this: if you cross the line it’s finished. It’s over. Because it’s not an accident. So you make your choice.’

If my partner ever said that to me I'd think our relationship was clearly finished

Fairylea · 07/10/2019 15:55

I wouldn’t like this at all. Alarm bells would be ringing for me. This is how affairs start.

ReturnofSaturn · 07/10/2019 15:55

If you can get someone to mind the kids, I would definitely be calling his bluff and saying 'great, I'll come with you, been wanting to get fit!'

Hooferdoofer37 · 07/10/2019 15:56

Why don't you suggest swapping babysitting services with this woman?

So you/your DH watch her kids whilst she runs with her partner and she can watch your kids whilst you run with your DH.

That'll soon clarify if his desire is to run or to spend time with her.

Tistheseason17 · 07/10/2019 15:57

This is def off.
He could just join a running group - clearly he likes her.

I would probably push him a bit further and say, "what would I be ruining if I suggested you run with a group, rather than this one woman? Please enlighten me"

recrudescence · 07/10/2019 15:58

You need to crush this while it’s still fragile.

katkit · 07/10/2019 15:58

yes. offer to go along, if you can possibly get childcare. when were they thinking of going?

it is being wreckless. no marriage is bulletproof, and this is how things start.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 15:59

I would be asking him directly as to what he's playing at. YOU would be "ruining" things if you object to them running together? Is he on glue? He's talking about her as though she's his girlfriend and he's 15 years old. How would he like it if you suddenly got a new "hobby" and fucked off nearly every day with another man? Your husband's defensiveness speaks volumes. He's playing with a blow torch, not just fire.

RevealTheLegend · 07/10/2019 15:59

I would caveat my post by saying if she is an experienced and fast runner, and she’s offered to take him out and help him learn to pace, that’s different.

But male and female novice runners together, if all was above board then I’d expect them to discover pretty quickly that it isn’t going to work and find themselves new training partners.

merryoldgoat has the perfect speech. Give the hobby your blessing, there is a small chance he’s just a bit of a wally and wants to get fit...but warn him there’s no leeway if he is lining himself up to take the poss.

underground76 · 07/10/2019 15:59

Yes, he might be having an affair but he could just as easily not be. DP and I have always had friends of the opposite sex and I don't think it's weird that a bloke would go running with a woman. My colleague goes running after work and he usually goes with one of two female running partners. Nobody at work thinks this is weird or suspects them of having an affair and neither does his wife, who we've all met.

If you really think he is having an affair, I suspect there are things beyond the fact that he has a friend he goes running with that are making you suspicious, to be honest, even if only subconsciously. I'm certainly not saying he can't possibly be having/wanting an affair, but equally I don't think having a friend and going running with her is an issue in itself.

I think if a woman came on here and said 'I get on well with a SAHD I see on the school run - he's become a good mate and like me, he's a keen runner so we've agreed to do a 5K together now and again for a bit of company and motivation instead of always running alone. My DP, though, has accused me of having an affair with this man and says he doesn't want me going running with him', almost every single reply would be saying that the DP was jealous and controlling and being ridiculous.

gostiwooz · 07/10/2019 16:00

One of the things you said that rings alarm bells for me is the fact that she doesn't seem at all keen on being friends with you.

Hmmmm.

Girlonatubetrain2 · 07/10/2019 16:00

Trust your spidey senses.
I had similar happy with DH a few years back.
They used to chat at school. Then meet for running, then meet for coffee . .
It all looked innocent and was in full view of everyone but i didnt feel right about it.
I called them out on it - i think before it went any further but he admitted they'd crossed boundaries on where the line is
It may never have made it to a physical affair
But it was an emotional affair

BreatheAndFocus · 07/10/2019 16:02

You’re right to be suspicious. The bit that got me was him saying he knew you’d be uncomfortable with it. Why? Why would you be uncomfortable with him going running with a friend?

If it’s was me, I’d ask him. Then I’d gauge his reaction. It sounds like that comment might be his guilty conscience speaking.

You haven’t said whether this woman is single. Do you know? Is it you DH you don’t trust, or her, or both of them?

It would definitely be ringing alarm bells for me. I’d want to find out more about this woman, and I’d be considering a friendly chat with her about her plans with your DH.

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 16:03

So how do i stop it before it becomes a thing? I don't want to come in all guns blazing. I just want to say firmly to tone things down, etc

OP posts:
easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 16:04

Why would you be uncomfortable with him going running with a friend?

Cos he knows her?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 16:04

It's already a thing.

EileenAlanna · 07/10/2019 16:08

So tell him he shouldn't go & "ruin" it for them. Them? He sees them as an item?
Tell her too, don't be embarrassed about it. You don't need to worry about her feelings, only yours.
And he can stop taking the DC to school any more, you go from now on & just give her the get your claws into someone else & destroy their family you're not going to fuck with mine stare.

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 16:09

You need to crush this while it’s still fragile.

If this is actually true, the relationship isn't worth saving, is it? If he is planning to cheat, then it's doomed already. This is why the 'playing with fire' thing makes no sense here. He's not going to somehow get burned by accident, through no fault of his own.