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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
Kit19 · 10/10/2019 15:15

Sorry I’m getting confused - you said on your opening post that they had both got into the same hobby recently but that he’s run for a while

Is it the case that he’s run for a while & she’s decided to give it a go & wants to go with him to the group events? Or that she wants to run with him on her own? Or is it both?

JustaAggie · 10/10/2019 15:17

Not read the full thread but word to the wise. Any infidelity forum the world over with advise a “hobby” to cover time out of the home, a hobby with your affair partner is the gold standard.

I would be extremely wary.

Motoko · 10/10/2019 15:17

Well, that's completely different to him and her having cosy runs with her! That could just be interpreted that she wanted an introduction to the group. It's always nerve racking the first time you join an established group on your own, so it's easier if you go with somebody else.

getoutofthatgarden202 · 10/10/2019 15:22

I dunno - obvs you might have a bad feeling about this friendship & that's justified and you can feel like that!

But the question is do you trust your husband? it seems like you don't and that's a bigger problem you've got there!

My best friend is a guy and i've recently made a new friend at work with another Male - we go out together for drinks after work, I was around at his house 2 evenings this week for a cup of tea and a chat on my way home! We are going to a gig in a few weeks time together

My Husband is fine with this, he never even batted an eyelid about any of these activities I'm doing with another man!

I stay over at my other male friends house regularly as he lives in a different city far away from me!

My husband also has female friends, some of them quite new and again I'm fine with this!

But we trust each other - I think you have a problem with this because you don't trust him for whatever reason!!

bluegreygreen · 10/10/2019 16:17

He's run for a while and goes to a group but they only meet up ok once every few months for a big event. She was interested and asked him if she could go with him and see what the group was like too

So not quite the same as him planning to go for runs alone with her, which the rest of the thread seemed to be about?

I agree that his behaviour in making you the one 'outside' is a problem, possibly a big one, but I think if you'd said a school mum wanted him to introduce her to his running group you might have had different replies...

Kit19 · 10/10/2019 16:53

Yes I agree. Clearly your instinct is there’s something wrong but there is a big difference between them running on their own together just the two of them and him introducing her to his running group

MikeUniformMike · 10/10/2019 16:55

Yeah yeah yeah. He'll soon be missing club nights and doing horizontal jogging instead.

easyandy101 · 10/10/2019 17:00

He's run for a while and goes to a group but they only meet up ok once every few months for a big event. She was interested and asked him if she could go with him and see what the group was like too.

And even though quite a few people mentioned the group thing as being acceptable in the earlier part of the thread you kept quiet about it until now?

hmmmm

Tistheseason17 · 10/10/2019 17:24

OP, this makes your post very different.

It should have read, "A mum on the school run chats to my OH and he's mentioned he goes to a running group every few months. She has asked if she could join this group - AIBU to tell him to say NO"

I would have said YABU.

You made it sound like he wants to be alone with your husband when this is not the case. Going to a running group your OG goes to once every few months is really not a thing.

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 10/10/2019 17:36

It's not about the running group though, it's about all the other stuff happening constantly every day.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 10/10/2019 17:50

Can you expand on the other things or have I missed something?

All I got was the talking to your OH when he does school run. What else?

Delatron · 10/10/2019 18:00

What are they messaging about? Have you seen the messages?

I think if he’s introduced her to the running club then he’ll see her constantly at that? He’s not going to give up his running group.

MsDogLady · 10/10/2019 22:01

It’s not about the running though, it’s about all the other stuff happening constantly everyday.

The key word here is constantly. Their level of contact has escalated. This is an emotional affair.

You clarified your feelings of discomfort. He admitted that he was crossing a line, but then blatantly proceeded to cross it. His commitment to her mattered more.

Taking her to the running event signified a shift in their relationship. They may have been in a group, but they were ‘together,’ and this would have deepened their connection. (Did they meet there or ride in the same car?) They will likely plan to meet up again somewhere.

Your marriage is in a crisis. You would not be controlling by taking over the school run, and you absolutely should do this. Your husband has very weak boundaries with regard to this woman and he is not protecting his fidelity. Constant contact everyday is entirely wrong and inappropriate. He is sabotaging your marriage.

I would tell him, “This stops now.”

BreatheAndFocus · 11/10/2019 09:33

t's not about the running group though, it's about all the other stuff happening constantly every day.

OP, it sounds to me like you know something is off in this. Trust your instinct.

You don’t need great flashing lights or incontrovertible proof before you act. Your concern is valid. You’ve spoken to your DH and he’s reassured you but that doesn’t mean you can’t mention it again - or that you have to accept what he says as fact.

Speak to him again, have a non-related conversation with this woman so you can gauge her a little more, take over the school runs - and most of all trust your gut feeling.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 11/10/2019 10:38

I wouldn’t like this at all. Even if it’s running with a group rather than alone together, you know it’s just another excuse to spend time together and get to know each other better. And the fact it, you’ve noticed something between them already so no wonder alarm bells are ringing. Your concerns are valid and it sounds like you are all standing at the top of a very slippery slope.

MouthyHarpy · 11/10/2019 11:44

so I don't know why I am letting this get to me

Because although you have taken a huge load of emotional labour in your marriage (getting him & family through his breakdown), he's not really acknowledging this, and he's still doing things that give him emotional feel-good 'strokes' but that exclude or at the very least - don't acknowledge you.

He's being a bit self-centred and not really taking care of you the way you take care of him.

At least that's my sense from what you've written here.

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 11/10/2019 14:30

I had said to him that I was sad that I couldn't be involved. I would love to but I work and am so busy with the children. He started talking about getting me involved but he didn't want me to join the chat group for the club so I could be involved and now he says that I'm taking over something that was his hobby. I can't win Blush

OP posts:
ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 11/10/2019 14:35

Icky, he's taking the p**s. You can't win. You are doing the pick me dance. Bet he has his phone off when he's out running.
More red flags than Tiananman Square.

Ozziewozzie · 11/10/2019 14:38

@OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg

I agree with you. He’s already aware you’ll see it as inappropriate as he is feeling it’s inappropriate.

AnybodyWantAChip · 11/10/2019 14:44

My exDH was similar with his cricket.
He went out Saturday morning and came back after last orders.
I was on my own all day in a place where I knew no one. I tried to get involved with the club, but he didn't want me there to watch, make teas, or get to know anyone.
Says it all really.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2019 14:51

he says that I'm taking over something that was his hobby

Yeah I'd be hurt and suspicious that this school mom is fine to join his group but you're not? hhhmmm

Delatron · 11/10/2019 15:08

So she’s not taking over his hobby? He’s excited about her joining the club and is including her on the group chats...Just not his own wife.

Plus it’s running. Not some niche hobby that only appeals to them. Many people like to run. He’s being inappropriate and unfair.

I thought he said he wouldn’t go with her again? How is that going to work if he’s a member of a club and she’s joined? He’ll
see her more than you! Every day cosy chats on the school run and now this.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2019 15:23

So is she involved now or not? I thought he wasn't running with her anymore or is that why you can't be in the group chat because he's already added her?

FeckOffGraham · 11/10/2019 15:26

I thought he said he wouldn’t go with her again? How is that going to work if he’s a member of a club and she’s joined

YY^^. Exactly what I was thinking.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2019 15:29

If she is in the group chat and he's not OK with you being there then I'd be getting seriously suspicious