To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

[Ickysnicky]

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

Back for an update. So I spoke to DH about the situation - he said straight away that he knew it was crossing a line and that he would just go this once as he had promised. I could tell that he genuinely didn't want me to be upset by it, even though he was going ahead and doing it anyway

I told him that it wasn't necessarily the running session, it was more the every day, constantness of it. I am not a jealous or insecure person, he has worked with female colleagues for years, but something just feels off about this to me. Even if it's not something now, I feel like it is developing that way. It is consuming me and the obvious answer would be to say that I will take over the school run. However, I know this would cause huge issues as he really loves doing it, but then again I feel that he has put himself and us into this situation with this friendship. I feel like that's what needs to happen for me to be ok about everything but does that make me selfish or controlling?

Or even just start doing it just for a few months so this can simmer down?

He’s not willing to change anything is he? That would be a big red flag for me when I was on the fence before. He’s heard your concerns but is still going to run and do the school run. I understand he said he’d go but why is he putting this woman’s needs (not upsetting her) before you being upset. it’s not right Op

I'm not defending it but he did say it would be a one-off and he wanted to go for himself too.

Get your ducks in a row love.

He knows he's crossed a line, but he's still going running because he promised? Promised HER. What about you?? I would think the "sin" of breaking a promise is a small price to pay for respecting my wife's feelings and trying to earn her trust back to save my marriage.

He just doesn't get it, and even if you take over the school run, I'm doubtful this will stop.

He sounds like a reasonable man and a good father. He listened to you and he's no longer going to put you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable (I don't think he's being totally unreasonable by going once).

Is doing the school run together an option?

Has he agreed to limit or cut out the messaging? It's the messaging more than the inevitable bumping into her outside the gates that would bother me more so.

I've not rtft OP but I made the mistake of being the wife that was cool with my "D"H having friendships with women and he rewarded me by having an emotional affair with one and then leaving me. I ignored red flags about the way he talked about her. By the time I knew what was going on it was too late to save our marriage. I would have a serious talk with him about whether you are both happy in your relationship together (are you?) and seek counselling if needed.

God I so want to give him the benefit of the doubt but he’s not helping himself

I run, you can do it alone very easily. He’s admitted he’s crossed the line but he’s still going anyway because he promised her but it’ll be just this once. Right well if it’s just this once it’s kind of pointless so he doesn’t need to go at all.

The school run - unless it’s massively inconvenient id go along with him for a bit

What about the promises he made to you on your wedding day? Do they not matter as much, if not more, than his promise to her?

Anyway, I doubt he actually did "promise" her, it was probably more along the lines of agreeing to go. Why would he say "I promise you, I'll come running with you"? People generally don't elicit a promise from someone, unless they know the person is likely to flake out. And what's the point of going once, if he's not going to go again?

It sounds to me more like he's desperate to carry on. They'll go for this run, then work out how else they can meet up. Maybe he'll tell you he's decided to go to the gym to keep fit instead.

Also, why are you considering his feelings about doing the school run, when he's still riding roughshod over your feelings?

I am definitely not intending on being a 'cool wife' and I don't think he would expect me to either.

I do have good instincts for situations usually, however I don't know whether I am slightly defensive about everything these days. DH had a complete breakdown two years ago and it was absolutely devastating but I kept on going and held him and our family together when many would have just let it go. Because of this I feel resentful and rather defensive about these situations...like, haven't you already put me through enough, and this is just something else to deal with....which is why I never know of I'm overeacting. Also, I must say that our relationship is the best it has ever been (possibly because of this) so I don't know why I am letting this get to me.

He knows he's crossed a line, but he's still going running because he promised? Promised HER. What about you?? I would think the "sin" of breaking a promise is a small price to pay for respecting my wife's feelings and trying to earn her trust back to save my marriage.

This. He should be putting your feelings above hers.

Do the school run for a while. You said he enjoys doing this, but there are consequences in crossing boundaries.

And he needs to understand the strain that he has put on your marriage.

OP, reading your update makes him sound worse.

You held everything together for him, and yet he's still not putting your feelings first. You are not overreacting.

He's putting himself and her before you. Not good.

Do the school run. Keep an eye on him and definitely put your ducks in a row as others have said. Don't be emotionally blackmailed.

He knows he's crossing a line but isn't going to cancel hhmmm "just this once" may turn into just one more time etc etc

And to add. A lot of women say their relationships are the best ever when there's someone else involved, albeit unbeknown to them

You’re not overreacting, OP.

I don’t get eat why he says he has to go running just this once. Can he not make an excuse? “Sorry, I can’t make running day. I’m just so busy with family/work. In fact, I don’t think I’m going to be able to run with you. Best you find someone else.”

I’d be doing the school run too, or sharing it. He’s addressed your concerns but personally I’d still be watchful.

I'd say he shouldn't go, even once. It's obvious to most people why this bothers you and it is completely reasonable. He should politely tell new friend to fuck off. She can find another running and school run buddy, can't she? If my husband said my friendship with a man on the school run was bothering him this much, I would absolutely respect that and sever all ties. No problem. Any perceived threat to my marriage, even if dh is the one who has to point it out, simply isn't worth the risk.

Also you could offer to watch the kids while he runs alone and then offer to be the friend's running buddy, if you're up to it. If all she wants is someone to start running with, this shouldn't be a problem. If he pulls a face at that suggestion, ask him why would that be a problem? If she's just a friend and all that and she just needs someone to run with "cos he's promised", this will be a fine solution. He can't make it, you're his stand in.

That's an interesting update OP.

Does he feel more protective towards you since his breakdown? Or does he feel more protective towards himself? More justified in being selfish?

Gratitude can be a burden.

He wanted to go himself that one time for something for himself. It wasn't just for this person.

He said that he wanted us all to be friends, not just him and her. I just feel like that's never going to happen now, not the way that I'm feeling.

It's been a painstakingly long road since the breakdown but for the past 6 months things have been amazing and he is back to his usual self. The past couple of weeks we have booked a holiday and he has been talking about the future, moving house etc. This is a major step as two years ago, he wouldn't even make plans for tomorrow.

He’s still prioritising her and their friendship though isn’t he? Despite acknowledging that he’s crossed a line and that you, his wife, are not happy. Why can’t he tell her that something has come up or he’s hurt his knee or whatever so can’t run anymore. Why do his promises to her mean so much that he’s happy to upset you along the way?

He needs to ditch the school runs for a while and put some serious distance between them. Or wave him off into the sunset with her.

Oh right, has he already been then? Meh, can't undo time.

I think it's nice to have friends, but, even if he can't see it, or even if there is genuinely no impropriety there at all, it's negatively affected you and your marriage. That needs work. And that comes first, before making new friends, innocent or not.

“but for the past 6 months things have been amazing and he is back to his usual self.”

I hate to ask OP, but how long has this friendship been going on for? I know it’s painful to consider but could she be part of his new positive outlook?

No, this started a couple of years ago.

Also I feel like if he was feeling that way he could have just used the breakdown as an excuse to leave there and then. It doesn't make sense for him to make his family his world again if that was the case.