To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

[Ickysnicky]

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

Running or fucking each other? This has red flags all over it, YANBU to be worried at all.

Talking to a school parent in the playground is one thing, adding them on FB and messaging often then suddenly starting the same hobby is another thing entirely. I think they are having an affair. If they haven’t already fucked, ‘running club’ is going to be when it begins. Sorry OP.

I'd just be honest, say that it worries you and you're scared that he seems a bit infatuated and you'd be a lot more comfortable if he could be open and honest about how he feels.

I'd just be honest, say that it worries you and you're scared that he seems a bit infatuated and you'd be a lot more comfortable if he could be open and honest about how he feels.

Although now prefer a PP idea. Stating that he can go but that if he ever cheats with her that's it because it didn't 'just happen' and wasn't an accident because he's walked head first into a dangerous situation.

Has anyone mentioned “the script” yet?

I’ll paste it underneath this message for you to see if it rings any bells.

I’d also recommend reading Shirley Glass / not just friends

www.amazon.co.uk/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Amazing book!

Is your husband mid life crisis age?

It’s a bit of a fallacy that people go looking for affairs or that something has to be wrong in a relationship for an affair to happen. Sometimes the stresses and strains of life abiding term relationships can leave folk vulnerable to having their heads turned by the emotional addiction of new connections . Then they follow the script. This book explains it well.

If you’re lucky your husband is not in too deep yet. Sounds like he’s on the cusp. But yes, the emotional intimacy inherent in the statement “ruining it for us” rings alarm bells a plenty. The relationships board on here is very good at advising people in this situation.

An important thing I think for you to realise though is that if your husband is part way through the script, think of him as dealing with an addict. This new connection, the attention, the emotional intimacy is his drug. He’s using it to fill a hole in him. He’ll lie and cheat and lie to himself to keep doing it, because he’s addicted. It might well ruin his life. And ruin yours too. Take this Seriously.

If you change "mum" to "dad" in the OP, no one would bat an eyelid.

And if my auntie had bollocks she'd be my uncle.

Won’t let me post the whole script, but it’s in This thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

I think the OP is very concerned because she wouldn't have started this thread in the first place if she wasn't.
I have already said that the husband has clearly crossed a "red line" IMHO.
OP, has your DH always been sporty?
How long do they go running for?
Is the OW attractive, how old compared to you and your DH?
Is your DH good looking?
Have you ever seen them running together?
If you say that he would be flattered by attention, then it may be time to quickly throw some cold water on those smouldering embers.
I would also say the bit about "ruining it for them" sounds as if he is guilt tripping you.

I get the impression that they haven’t started running yet and he’s already cross the OP will ruin his new hobby with his new friend.

Has he ever shown an interest in running before?

How are you doing, OP?

It must be pretty scary reading that almost everyone agrees his behaviour and language are red flags, especially if you were hoping for reassurance.

Thanks for the link berringer

@Ickysnicky I hope you are ok. Thinking of you.

@FeckOffGraham very true. I thought I was crazy and controlling. My ex still says I’m controlling and so anxious it drove HIM crazy. This was after I’d uncovered that his emotional affair progressed to physical affair. And foolishly I decided to give the relationship another chance, but then a few months down the line... me not being comfortable with him going out clubbing ‘on his own’ was my anxiety. The gas lighting is horrible. I even have a women friend who told everyone that she was stopped by me from seeing my Ex for clubs and coffees, and that her ‘good friend’ was taken from her.

It’s definitely when the ‘us’ becomes our partners and another woman that our relationships are being torn apart. Sex or not.

You sound a bit controlling..

Running together is a REALLY odd one tbh.

Is it? I run with men. I'm not remotely emotionally invested in any of them though.

@longlongsummer

Yes, anyone who says they'd be ok with that 'bit in between' is seriously lacking in empathy. I would be fine if DH just told me up front and then moved on, but the sneaking around would be so disappointing. I'd take a long time to get over that.

People who are cheating on their partners can be such cowards. But you know, at least by giving it another try you know you tried your best to save your marriage. Cold comfort though it might be.

Ugh and there's always going to be some saddo handmaiden / enabler around to back up the cheaters' perspective with their "she's/ he's so controlling, she's / he's driven him / her away" rhetoric. Pfft.

I am extremely wary when I hear any of this script. At least my dad never did that to my mum. He just accused her of cheating too! Which, actually, after she died, we discovered she almost certainly had been. It's rife in my family!

You sound a bit controlling..

🙄

I have had a lot of male friends as I worked in an environment where 90% of the workforce was male. I was always a huge defender of male and female friendships. However when DH and I separated a couple of years ago because of an issue related to his sister so no love triangle. Two of my long term male friends made passes at me. I had been friends with one for ten years and he wasn't single. I discussed this with a third male mate who said there was always a slight undercurrent for him between him and his women friends, but it dint men he would ever do anything about it, DH and I are happily back together.

The real issue is a sudden change in his behaviour and the constant messaging. I have men and women friends and constant messaging never happens. I view it very much as a potential or a lovers way of expression.

How secretive is he about his mobile/laptop or whatever he gets the FB messages on from her?

Has this changed his behaviour about how secretive he is?

Could you take a peek/snoop on the messages while he is asleep or in shower?

Then you will see how the conversations go between them

What happens if you do school run with him, (especially if you drop him with children off then park the car then join them) does she avoid or chat?

I think this advice is spot on from @Merryoldgoat

"This is how I’d deal with it:

I’d say ‘I’m not going to stop you having friends, and I’m not going to stop you enjoying a new hobby. But I’m telling you this: if you cross the line it’s finished. It’s over. Because it’s not an accident. So you make your choice.’

And then I’d leave it and make my preparations."

Also @Hooferdoofer37 suggestion is really good maybe to try before the above....

"Why don't you suggest swapping babysitting services with this woman?

So you/your DH watch her kids whilst she runs with her partner and she can watch your kids whilst you run with your DH.

That'll soon clarify if his desire is to run or to spend time with her."

Also love this bit;
"Tell him he's following the script, maybe point out which bit he's at."

I'd be tempted to 'coincidentally' watch a documentary with him on the effects of divorce on children - obviously divorce is completely beyond lots of people's control and kids knowing they are loved is the most important thing- plus it isn't always a bad thing of course. But just as a reminder that it's not just your feelings which are being disregarded here. (Watched one with my partner accidentally years ago and it really affected him.)

I got vilified on a thread once about Male and female friendships. Merely shared my experience that in my 20s I had lots of male friends, always loved male company. Most of them made passes towards me at some point (girlfriend or not). I’m no supermodel.
Maybe now I’m older it would be possible but I kind of gave up having close men friends. Which is sad. I hang out with men in mixed groups mainly friends husbands.

Great post from conkergame. It shows the best way to deal with this; just make your feelings clear on any type of infidelity and point out what he will lose and then it’s up to him to decide if it’s appropriate.

This x100000000000%

Controlling my ass. For absolute fuck's sake. Of course the 'us' line is highly problematic and downright disrespectful to your relationship.

I wouldn't engage with her at all. If you can swing it, I'd be doing the drop offs forthwith and having stern words with DH regarding his turn of phrase and where he reckons his boundaries lie.

So how are things @Ickysnicky. Have you spoken to him?

@FeckOffGraham thank you and I think that is one reason why the OP is getting some passionate response, as the feeling of emotional betrayal, is visceral and so cruel it is so so damaging. And the view of the woman as controlling is insidious and as in my case, nearly affected many close friends of mine too. My support network. Not only are we betrayed but we are blamed for the betrayal often. Can work both ways as in your family, so sorry to hear that is hard to know a parent was probably cheating. My own father cheated and it’s only now I realize how damaging that was to us as a family. For many years I just thought that it was just between them. It isn’t, it is a betrayal of children too.

@ConkerGame also agree and it can be quite empowering for the OP to state her terms. However the DP probably doesn’t even recognize this is a betrayal himself yet. And that could be the most hurtful thing of all.