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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 12:17

He might well need you and appreciate you more than ever, at the same time as being more selfish than ever. Things like breakdowns can highlight how short life is and how little time there is for fun.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 12:20

Oh he's been already? You know she's going to ask him to go again OP. I bet he doesn't say no

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 10/10/2019 12:23

He knows that it won't be happening again.

OP posts:
DrJackDaniels · 10/10/2019 12:31

My DH had a major breakdown and I supported him through it. When I thought it was over and things were the best they've ever been (just moved into dream house, finally OK financially, he seemed full of life, showed me loads of affection and actually 'happy' again) it turns out he was having an affair. He wasn't actually over the breakdown at all and the other woman was a distraction that seemed to make him forget his issues and all seemed fine.

OP, if he's admitted it's crossed the line and can see you're hurt by this, he needs to completely withdraw from this friendship. Simply not going running with her or reducing contact will just stop things from moving as quickly. If he is still messaging her, talking to her on the school run and developing their friendship, AND he's admitted a line has been crossed, this just means that cutting the running together out, will just postpone how fast their relationship develops.

This isn't some 'insecure woman banning her husband from having a female friend', he's admitted the friendship has gone too far and he can't continue to have his cake and eat it.

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 12:37

Brilliant post JackDaniels. Exactly what I think too.

He's done the run, to appease this new friend. Now he needs to completely cut ties.

Motoko · 10/10/2019 12:48

He's admitted he's crossed the line, yet still continues to have a relationship with her.

What he should be doing, is stop seeing her, talking to her, etc. The reason he says he wants you all to be friends, is so that he can carry on seeing her, with your blessing, and you will stop going on about his relationship with her. He's not willing to let her go.

All the talk about buying a new house, is to try to placate you. To get you thinking about something else. Have you said to him (before all this started) that you wanted to move house, but he didn't want to? I'm wondering if he's trying to buy you off, so to speak. Giving you what you wanted.
My ex husband tried that, when I told him we were finished. They'll promise you anything, if they feel they're going to lose you, and all the hassle that will involve.

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 10/10/2019 12:48

Is asking him to do that controlling though?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 10/10/2019 12:52

Telling him what you feel is not controlling.

It's up to him what he does about it.

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 13:02

No, I don't think asking him not to see her anymore is controlling at all. And I would say that if the roles were reversed with him asking you to do the same.

Asking someone not to be friends with other women full stop, is controlling. Asking him not to see her because you rightly believe a line has been crossed, and he agrees. That is not controlling at all.

DrJackDaniels · 10/10/2019 13:12

I think if it was just a friendship you're insecure about and it wasn't developing into something more, then yes it's controlling to say 'you can't be friends with her', everyone can have friends with this opposite sex. But this isn't the case. He's said it's crossing the line and told you he 'understands' how you feel, therefore the obvious thing HE SHOULD be doing, is stopping this 'friendship' dead. You shouldn't have to ask him, he should be saying 'you're right, I can see how this is affecting you and I can see that I've become emotionally invested with someone else, so I'll stop everything now so a) you don't feel uncomfortable and b) there is no chance I will further cross the line with this woman.

The 'he wants us all to be friends' line is a red herring. He wants you to believe there's nothing happening and if you're also friends, he can still see her. Sometimes it's easier to hide in plain sight. I had the same line used on me....'she's actually really nice, we should invited her and her husband round for dinner, you'd really get on'.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/10/2019 13:15

He wanted to go himself that one time for something for himself. It wasn't just for this person

this is bullshit OP and you know it, this is their one opportunity to meet up in the woods or somewhere secluded.. give your head a wobble lady Flowers

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 10/10/2019 13:21

Bumble - this was a large group of people. They weren't on their own.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 10/10/2019 14:17

Is asking him to do that controlling though?

No. This woman might be a friend to your DH, but she is not a friend to your marriage.

Longlongsummer · 10/10/2019 14:22

@DrJackDaniels I’m so sorry how awful to have totally supported him and been betrayed. It’s funny how those of us who have been betrayed see this so clearly with the OP.

Kit19 · 10/10/2019 14:25

@Ickysnicky I thought the whole thing with the running was them doing it together? I’m a bit puzzled by the big group thing.

Longlongsummer · 10/10/2019 14:27

I’m not sure she should ask him to end this friendship though. I asked my Ex and he was super defensive and then became sneaky and STILL thinks part of the reason he was cheating was because I was wrong for him, because I was controlling!

Jeez.

I would frame it more in the case of - if you don’t stop this friendship completely our relationship is doomed. Not because of OP being jealous, but because relationships are serious commitments held together by trust and a special bubble that only you and DP reside in. Friendships can exist but if they go into that bubble, or that house, it suffocates all love. Clearly spell it out, but then say it’s ultimately his choice what he does. However it is also your choice whether you stand by and watch it all crumble. Tell him that. Make him responsible for his own actions and don’t let him ever wriggle out by saying you made him do anything.

Laiste · 10/10/2019 14:36

I'd be very interested in looking further into his idea of the line. And exactly how he felt he'd crossed it. His own words. Very important.

Me, you (OP) and the vast majority of posters here would be able to explain it clearly and simply but if i were you i'd want to hear it from HIM, and how he explains the nature of the line crossing.

Going on from what he says i'd then explore with him, in very basic terms, how continuing and even broadening the relationship with her (by including you) doesn't simply carry on jumping about right on the edge of that line he says he can see clearly ...

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 10/10/2019 14:39

I think he saw the line being crossed when he went with her to something that didn't involve being at school.

OP posts:
Chunkers · 10/10/2019 14:42

If he thinks a line has been crossed, the likelihood is that she also thinks a line has been crossed and as such you shouldn’t have to sit all smiley with them both all the while ignoring that the line exists and you are on the other side of it.

Laiste · 10/10/2019 14:46

Yes. That from Chunkers

Laiste · 10/10/2019 14:48

Would he agree that once a line gets crossed then the goal posts move. Normal service doesn't just merrily resume as if nothing happened.

I mean to say - he needs to retreat further back now. The line has subtly moved! At least it would in my world.

Drabarni · 10/10/2019 14:50

Sounds like she's the affair that gave him the breakdown, or helped to pick him up, they have probably been at it for some time. Sad
He just can't leave her alone, can he. he's still going and your a "cool wife" whether you want to be or not.
He can do what he wants now as you are giving him the green light.
Show some self respect.
So sorry this is happening to you and you can't see it.

Laiste · 10/10/2019 15:01

Can i clarify something? A couple of things.

He ran in a group with her but wanted to run with her alone? And has once but has now said he'll only do it once more and then stop?

or

He ran in a group and wanted to drop that and run with her alone. But never did and isn't going to at all now.

or

He never ran but wanted to run with her alone and has done it but wont do it again.

Sorry, i've got confused ! :)

Original poster
Ickysnicky · 10/10/2019 15:10

He's run for a while and goes to a group but they only meet up ok once every few months for a big event. She was interested and asked him if she could go with him and see what the group was like too.

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 10/10/2019 15:14

I agree with PP - you need to take over the school run.