AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

Witchy, you don’t need to put ‘BM’ in this situation, op is simply the dcs mother, not birth mother

PR can only be given to a step parent if both parents agree (ie op and her exh) and do it legally. You can’t just write ‘has PR’ on a form

@Witchydearest how on earth could the OP be a hypocrite for feeling like her ex husbands wife is overstepping her comfort zone with regards to her own child? Everything the OP has stated sounds like she is grateful and she even has the openness to admit she is mildly envious of the fact her dc's step mum has the ability to be so involved as she would love that option herself, there is nothing wrong at all with that feeling so long as it doesn't transfer onto the child or lead to irrationality.

Clearly the dc is lucky to have such an involved step parent and I am sure the OP is appreciative of it, but she has every right to highlight if boundaries have been crossed, which in this case sounds like it was the case.

DH and I are together but just the slight thought of someone contacting school about my child's reading would induce unprecedented rage. It's made me realise I couldn't ever split with DH even if I wanted to as my DD is so utterly and completely my world and my responsibility in my eyes that I couldn't share that beyond DH. That sounds awful written down.

You are a great mum for working hard to provide for your kids and an even better one for approaching this so reasonably for the sake of your DC. If she loves your kids she must be a decent human at heart but needs some boundaries.

Unless any step parent is asked to attend a parents evening it really is nothing to do with them. Why would a step parent need to speak to the school at all if they have two birth parents who are very much involved? I find it strange the step mother is so involved with school!

I find it strange too. I've got 2 DSC and I wouldn't dream of contacting their school.

@whycantwegoonasthree your kids are SO lucky to have four adults to care for them including one who can be arsed with bastarding BAKE SALES. I'm widowed parent and I'd love just one more adult to pick up slack and remember a lost jumper or fucking bring cardboard boxes into school day.

Your kids are lucky. You need to get over yourself

@BanditoShipman it’s just letters, it means biological mum, nothing else is implied, just fact.
@Vampyress - if you read the complete post I’m actually not calling the op a hypocrite but she could be one, only she would know. I’m advising her to be cautious and reflect maybe on her past actions which we are not privy too. What makes SM feel these actions are appropriate?

Also I had a stepmother who treated me with utter contempt and eventually forced me out of my dads life.

So seriously, count your blessings, enjoy not having to be the tedious as fuck PTA and enjoy your kids.

Overstepping. If you don't want to deal with her just tell school that you have parental responsibility and you don't want your children being discussed with anyone but you.

Christ I hope my nephews school aren’t reading this I regularly speak to his teachers about him on behalf of his mother, I swapped books for him, walk with the class on outings, I didn’t realise I was taking something away from my sisters being because she gave birth to him

My advice would be to contact the school and make it abundantly clear that they are not to discuss matters regarding your children with your ex-husband's current wife. The children have a mother, they don't need a replacement.

To all those who are saying that it's a good thing for the stepmother to be actively involved, you may be right, but it may lead to a level of involvement which proves to be too much if the stepmother and the OP's ex were to split up. Laying down the boundaries now is surely better than trying to create them in time to come.

I regularly speak to his teachers about him on behalf of his mother

That's the difference. You are speaking to the teacher on behalf of the mother and relaying back to his mother what the school said. That's not what's happening in OP's case. Stepmother is going to the school on behalf of herself. There's a very big difference. I'd say the father hasn't even asked her to do it as such. But more she's doing it because she knows he couldn't be arsed.

Look we all have our strengths and frailties as parents
We also have our background stories
You say you are hands off does your ex or the school consider you too hands off and your threshold for a problem to be too high or are they too much into helicopter parenting crushing your children growing into independent people. Or is there something in the middle
Your mothering is being trampled on and instinctively that's not ok but is it possible there are bigger concerns about your DC2s progress.

I would set the ground rules by asking what is she or are they so worried about that she needs to be so involved in school life.

So, ExH and SM have been married for about 18 months and together for six months before that, so she's still relatively new in their lives (and his, frankly!).

I didn't choose for her to be in my children's lives nor did I consent to devolve any maternal or parenting duties/rights to her.

To be honest I barely know the woman, aside that she's a part of the same culty fucked-up church my ExH goes to and therefore probably had some questionable views.

But aside from that I genuinely have nothing against her and think she's probably a decent person, but doesn't seem to understand boundaries and quite possibly is attempting to compete with me a bit or trying to prove something. (I'm sure ExH will have painted me as the Antichrist. He thinks I shouldn't be a parent at all because I have a history of depression, amongst other things.)

Or maybe she's just OTT naturally...

Probably is that, mostly. She ended up coming to a 'parents information evening' at DC1s new school (again, I wasn't expecting her to be there) - which was all deeply dull stuff about labelling games back and how much money they need for tuck. I told DC1 any snippets I thought were interesting, DC1 was deeply uninterested.

SM wrote a two page fucking REPORT on the evening and emailed it to DC1. I mean, SERIOUSLY!?

That said, I've gone out of my way to make her feel included and welcome. After all, she's married to my ExH so she's got enough to deal with.

I'm not about to storm down there and go in all guns blazing, or eff and blind at her. It's not how I feel, or something I would ever do.

But I do feel that she's positioning herself in a primary parenting role, which she's not. And yes, it pushes my buttons, makes me feel threatened and resentful, and also like I'm being pushed out - certainly with regards to school.

And while I am happy that she cares about my DC, no, I don't feel like I should be 'grateful'. It's a fucking privilege to be invited into the lives of other people's children. Or any children, frankly. They're not a chore. ExH probably should be, because yes, she's definitely picking up a whole load of domestic 'slack' over there.

I won't be even attempting to talk to ExH, as he's an abusive controlling fuck who can't communicate unless he's issuing orders. Not only would it be pointless it's not healthy for me. We have a perfectly civil logistical relationship mostly via text. I won't go anywhere near more than that.

So I know that I do need to address it with her directly like grown women. And at least I'm mostly reassured that AINBU, in the eyes of most. Plus some useful insights from other SM on here - for which I genuinely thank you. It'll be a fucking awkward conversation, but hell, I've had worse.

(And yeah Mother will do. I'm the default and don't need a prefix, ta. BM really grates. It's not about whose vag they tore their way out of either, (although it's worth pointing out that I'm 5ft1 and they were both 10lb-ers meaning I required major reconstructive surgery). It's about who has been mothering them their whole lives, staying up all night, changing nappies, giving up freedoms, career opportunities, making sacrifices and struggling - often alone. We can discuss equality of mothering status when she's done even half of that... Until then, it's mum and everyone else, frankly.)

SP can do right, my dds had a great sm who got the whole thing balanced between being involved enough and not treading on toes. Sadly for them the next two have been pretty awful - but we’re onto wife number 5 and she is working out much better 😊 2 out of 4 is decent enough - let’s hope this one lasts as she’s nice. Step mums can be great but the good types you don’t tend to hear about

Didkidt No, pretty sure there nowt wrong with my level of involvement. School have never raised any concerns, and both DCs are thriving.

DC1 got scholarship offers to secondary schools, and has never to my knowledge even missed a homework assignment. She's got a variety of extra curricular stuff going on, and so yes, I'm on it.

But yes, I also despise helicopter parenting - or over parenting in general - and believe that I should let the school do its job until such a time as they appear to have dropped a ball. But the school is excellent and I have zero cause for concern.

They didn't raise an issue. SM raised a non-issue with DC2s teacher and without talking to me first.

ExH was massively disinterested until SM came on the scene when he morphed into Superdad for a few months, but status quo seems to have resumed as far as he's concerned. He seems to have delegated to her, just like he delegated to me, all matters domestic.

I’d talk to her and ask that she run anything past you before getting in contact with the school - as then she’ll know if you have asked for something to be done or not done... that way the “two families” can parent and communicate with school as one. Rather than the teachers being confused over reading levels etc as an example

I can see why this would be irritating for you OP but what's got me is the awful responses you've got from other BMs (and I'm using that term to differentiate from step mums otherwise it gets confusing, before anyone gets up in arms). I'll definitely be looking at all the "you're dating a man with kids they come as a package you knew what you were getting yourself into you must treat them like your own and never let them see that your world doesn't entirely revolve around them or you're a monster" posts a little differently now.

If you all want step mums to back the fuck off so badly, we can back all the way off and not have to deal with all the other crap you all expect us to put up with without complaint. We can openly say no actually I just fell in love with the dad not "the package", and everything else has just been one huge sacrifice that we'd rather opt out of 🤷‍♀️

From a teacher point of view, I think the school need to be clearly informed by you that she does not have PR and therefore should not be having any kind of educational meetings and to please let you know if they need to discuss something with a parent. I guess my bar for a step parent would be a bit like an aunty or a childminder. I’d tell them if they had a good day or some minor upset but wouldn’t be discussing reading levels. That kind of conversation is for the mum and dad. I think you need to point out to the school the data protection side of this. If ex chooses to share something, not much you can do about that but you can and should have some boundaries about school and health. Sending emails to your DD about school is really inappropriate, unless it’s a “good luck on your first day” sort of email.

To be accurate, I don't 'expect' or even want anything from my ExH's latest wife. I didn't ask for her to be in my life or my children's lives.

If she harms my DC in any way them I'll come for her, but aside from that I have no expectations or requirements whatsoever. If she wants to do nothing at all then that's fine with me.

I expect my ExH to do his share (since he was the one that demanded 50/50) but how he arranges that is nothing to do with me.

"...in the case of step-parents, through agreement with the child’s mother - and other parent if that person also has parental responsibility for the child - or as the result of a court order"
A step parent can only be given parental responsibility with the consent of a child's mother & father if he also has parental responsibility or by Court Order.
The school has no right to discuss OP's DC with the SM& the SM has no right to expect it. www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

I actually had the secondary school phone me as one of the previous SM had requested meetings at the school to talk about dd1 and they wanted to know if they were correct in giving a blanket no as a response... the school were indeed correct as she was a fruit job who was no longer with my dc father

other BMs (and I'm using that term to differentiate from step mums otherwise it gets confusing, before anyone gets up in arms)

Yes, we’re all so stupid, the difference between a mum and a step mum is too hard for us to understand,

@Sotiredofthislife of course a mother should be grateful that somebody else is caring for their child

Nope. No one asks for a step parenting situation. There is no right of veto if we disagree with the ex’s choice of partner. People make a choice. You treat your step children decently. No one needs to be grateful for that, it’s just being a decent human being,m

I 100% would not go to the school and stop them talking to her. What would that achieve. You said yourself the book was too easy and as a teacher I can tell you we miss a lot, most can't hear them read every week, and when we do it's very brief so she was right to ask. Being class rep, people rarely want this role if she's doing it it means your kid won't miss out on anything that's happening, bake sales you don't
Want to do it and she's making a better school for your kids. All the things she's doing are helpful and positive in your children's lives why would you want to stop that? I really think at how you are feeling, you've said you have to work full time, haven't got the time she has, feel like you are being usurped and you resent that. But on the other hand your kids see how hard you work, they will be proud of your independence and the fact that you don't let a man dictate your role. I think you need to carve out your own special actives rather than begrudge hers that way your kids get a bit of everything, what lucky kids. I'd message her and say please let you know of any issues in future but otherwise I'd be pleased that someone had time to do the things I was too busy to meaning that your kids get all the perks of having lots of people helping them grow.

Ivykaty

I think this is a perfect illustration of why step parents can’t expect equal status as parents. Their relationship with the child is dependent on their relationship with the parent. If a divorce can severe your relationship with a child, you aren’t a parent, you are an in law.

It’s lovely when step parents have good relationships with the children, but this lady is totally over stepping and while some of it can be put down to over enthusiasm and perhaps living out a parenting fantasy she has had for a long time, some of it is an obvious over step.

Either she is quite stupid or she is fully aware that she is pushing a boundary.

I remain confused why a school would give a step parent equal status as an actual parent. I would have to gently explain to both the school and this woman that they need to respect boundaries.