AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

@cookingonwine

I am really saddened by this post it really shows step parents can't do right for doing wrong.

^
Of course they can, they’re not the parent and shouldn’t be getting so heavily involved in their step children’s education or school activities.

I would also be angry with the school as well as her. She is massively overstepping.
Someone has already said it but is it likely that your ex is encouraging it? You definitely need to put a stop to this

Bake sale, pay and class rep I’d leave her to it. But meetings with the teacher, parents evenings, that’s a massive no. I would speak to her and the school about that.

On the one hand that’s lovely she loves your children but as much as I’d hate to admit it I would hate that! I think talk to your ex and see what he can do.

You’re not wrong, OP. This would piss me right off. She cannot have parental responsibility. Your ex may ask her to do x, y and z, but ultimately, she has no legal right over the children. I’d be telling school that any essential meetings must include you or your ex, not the stepparent, who should also not be stomping up to school to discuss reading books etc.

To everyone saying he can't delegate PR by writing to the school, he can for specific issues- not the same as her legally having PR for a child.

For the sake of maintaining good relationship with her and your ex I would have a quiet word. For example, that you would prefer your ex or yourself to have teacher discussions etc. However, it does depend on whether she does pick ups or drop offs for your kids?

I always think it is difficult for step parents, if you are not involved you get called out for being uninterested but if you actively participate in caring for the kids get called out for overstepping the mark.

Rather than going in all guns blazing I would take a gentler approach as she is clearly making a lot of effort for your kids. Your position as their mum will never be under threat however there is nothing stopping you from finding our what is going on at their school and making more of an attempt to get involved yourself.

There are some fucking awful comments and judgements about her childlessness. Absolutely fucking despicable.

She might be overstepping the mark but that does not excuse some of the truly awful judgements.

SM has every right to be involved in the school as a volunteer and It may not necessarily have anything to do with her SC. Also did the SC ask if SM would have a word with the teacher because mum was unavailable? I’ve had this myself. I innocently thought I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But boy did I get my arse chewed off. I didn’t do it again and when she asked me to do something I told her in no uncertain terms No way. You can’t have your cake. Can we stop using that horrible term “back the f**k off” I know I’m probably being sensitive but it’s really awful and aggressive. 50/50 is really tricky. Two full time working parents, women naturally taking on a caring role. It was going to happen.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility#information-sharing

Do not go storming down the school. The extract below is from the government website linked to above:

Information Sharing
It’s important that schools balance the requests of parents with their statutory duties. Having parental responsibility does not allow a parent to obstruct a school from carrying out their duties under legislation.

Example
A biological parent, with parental responsibility, informs their child’s maintained school that they do not wish their child’s step-parent, who does not have parental responsibility but does have care of the child, to receive educational information about that child. The school must inform the biological parent that they cannot comply with that request.

Under the Education (Pupil Information) (England) Regulations 2005, some schools are required to provide access to, or copies of a child’s educational record to parents upon request. Therefore, if the school were to abide by the request of the biological parent they would be in breach of their obligations under education law.

To add teachers really struggle to listen to children read and maybe listen to them once a week. A reading assessment is basically listening to a child read a paragraph or two of a certain banding. Your very lucky she even bothered to bring it up. Does SM listen to your child read everyday? Do you? Does your husband? Who makes them dinner? Who puts them to bed? Who packs their lunch and washes their laundry? She does not have to do any of these things.

Who does the school contact in case of issues? Where I worked, we had a list of contact numbers for each child listed in order of priority, so lets say Mother, Father, Granny, Aunt etc. If it bothers you, make sure you are the first point of contact, you can also ask school not to contact step mum.

If you are on friendly terms, I would ask her politely though to back off a bit, say you are happy she is engaging with your kids, but that she is doing a bit too much. If she refuses, ask school firmly not to contact her and that should solve the problem, as ince it's in writing they should not be contacting her at all (they would contact your ex, but that's a different thing).

Why in gods name is she lucky that sm brought it up?

OP has said she had reviewed the book and thought it was an easy one from the reading band but not something that she, in her role as the child’s mother who has been involved with the child’s education since they started school, thought needed intervention with.

However well meaning or where it comes from, that’s not lucky that is taking the piss. She doesn’t have to do any of it, no, but she should not be inserting herself in a parental role regarding the child’s education.

Boundary well and truly overstepped.

The talking to the teacher would drive me crazy.

I’d be talking to the school, ex h and sm in that order.

It’s sad she doesn’t have her own children but this is not ok.

Why is it sad that she doesn't have her own children? You know nothing about her circumstances. So many people on here think they are armchair therapists for childless people. You have no idea about her circumstances.

And this thread is exactly why I would never post on mumsnet about a problem I was having as a step parent. On one thread if you're struggling to connect to SC then you are a bad person and should immediatly leave your DP as 'you knew that they had children'. The next thread you are bollocked for getting involved as 'they have nothing to do with you'

Step parents have such a shit deal - we look after your kids and love them as our own, feed them, keep them clean and help them with anything that they may need but you will never get any recognition for any of that! No we aren't mum or dad but neither are we trying to be!

Yes she has over stepped the mark having a meeting with the school and she shouldn't go to parents evening. Everything else seems to be coming from a wish to do the best for your DC.

Maybe she can't have children of her own - OP hasn't specified - and this projection is her longing and only way to have a family of her own. Don't be too harsh on her OP.
By all means have a chat and ask that if she has any concerns to go through you first not straight to the school, but otherwise leave her be with her baking!

I think you've been a bit passive about this so far. How would you feel if you became aware that the school might think that she is their actual mother (to all intents and purposes)?

Well it’s not unlucky is it! Too have someone who has the time and cares to ask the teacher. I’m not knocking BM, it’s just not a crime is it. I wonder what else SM has HAD to do or been asked to do, because she’s available and convenient. I wonder what/why she felt this was ok? We have only BMs point of view which is why I would advise Op to be open minded. One wouldn’t want to be a hypocrite.

we look after your kids and love them as our own, feed them, keep them clean and help them with anything that they may need but you will never get any recognition for any of that!

I am not sure why you think anyone should be grateful for that? It’s just good behaviour, isn’t it? Respect, decency. And in my 10 year experience, my children have yet to have a step mum prepared to do anything you mention. Without exception, my children have been treated like second class citizens in their father’s home. They have certainly never been loved, probably not even very liked.

I think you could get together with her and divvy up responsibilities. You their schooling and important stuff, and she bake sales (and stuff you don't want to do!) It does sound like he's passed it onto her and she takes it very - very! - seriously. You don't know what he's told her - that maybe you don't want to do this stuff? You never know. I think if you're lucky she could be a great resource for you - once you make your boundaries firmly known to her.

That is a shame your children have never been loved by a step parent. But please dont tarnish us all the same!

Good behaviour and decency? No, my only obligations are to be courteous and not see any harm to my step children. I dont have to look after them, they aren't my biological children after all. But I do because I care and they are part of my family and I will do anything for my family.

Of course you should be grateful! Because that’s what decent human beings do! You’ll never understand, not because you can’t, you just don’t want to. I feel sorry for you @sotired your experience of blended families has obviously been horrendous as your bitterness is there for all to see and read. My experience has been pretty bad too however after reading your negative posts during my time on MN I’ve decided negativity is not assisting SMs and BMs finding resolution. I will be truthful not spiteful. I won’t tar all BMs with same brush.

@Sotiredofthislife of course a mother should be grateful that somebody else is caring for their child

@cookingonwine completely agree with you. Being a Step parent myself, I actually probably would speak to school if I felt like I needed to. I've been to plenty of parents evening when my SD's mother hasn't been able to make it and asked lots of questions.
Stepmums get absolutly shitted on in MN

Unless any step parent is asked to attend a parents evening it really is nothing to do with them. Why would a step parent need to speak to the school at all if they have two birth parents who are very much involved? I find it strange the step mother is so involved with school!

Yes step parents may get slated in some cases but they aren't the children's parents and it seems some step parents forget that, certainly in this case!