Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 11:40

you're doing nothing wrong at all. You shouldn't feel guilty whatsoever.

You are not their parent, he shouldn't expect you to do bedtimes at all!

He shouldn't expect you to do anything for his children to be honest.

He shouldn't be cancelling his plans with you last minute and bowing down to his ex either, he needs to learn to say no sorry I have plans.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/10/2019 11:42

Sorry OP, YABU.

They are his children, they are not an ‘inconvenience’ which is how you probably portrayed them to be when you had to cancel your plans.

Unless I’ve read your OP wrong you really don’t seem that bothered about his children.

If I had a partner who treated my children with the same disdain you appear to treat your partner’s children with, then I would be ending the relationship.

His children should, and always will come first to your partner you should never, ever imply they are a burden of sorts because that would be very, very hurtful to your partner.

Apologies if I have completely got the wrong end of the stick but your post doesn’t read very pleasantly to me.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2019 11:44

If I had a partner who treated my children with the same disdain you appear to treat your partner’s children with, then I would be ending the relationship.

I don’t think we’re reading the same thread.

Wouldn’t most parents be a bit pissed off to miss a meal out because of unexpectedly having to look after children (eg if a babysitter fell through)?

Beamur · 07/10/2019 11:44

You really aren't being unreasonable and I think you need to keep pointing out that you aren't their Mum and a SM has a different role.
I've been a stepmum to my DH's kids since they were quite little (youngest was 7) and I have never 'done bedtime' once. Fine if you want to and everyone is happy with that.
I would do some things with them, but frankly would feel no guilt about doing something else by myself. Contact time is for the kids to spend time with Dad.
I always saw my role as supporting but not as a parent.
The only thing I don't agree on is the disruption to agreed contact - but that will depend on what your arrangement is and if this flexibility goes both ways. Our arrangement with ex was very relaxed and if the odd day changed it was not a problem..

Jaxhog · 07/10/2019 11:45

It does look like he's transferring some of his anger towards the mother of his children onto you.

They are his children and he should be doing the childcare when they stay with you. But if I were you, I'd want to be a bit more involved than you are currently. It does sound a bit like you avoid them. Presumably, you knew he had children when you married him? Did you not expect to have some involvement?

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 11:45

Yanbu in fact you sound very reasonable and like you do a lot for them. I think H was unfair on you to ditch your plans to go out for a meal!

FetchezLaVache · 07/10/2019 11:46

YANBU, I would be miffed if I had to cancel dinner plans with DP because ExH cancelled having DS, and he's my own son! I don't see anything in your OP that suggests you treat his children with "disdain", btw.

BunnyColvin · 07/10/2019 11:46

AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

If these are all the things you have an expectation of, then let this guy go and find someone with no children.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:47

They aren't a burden in the slightest. I don't feel that way nor do I act that way. I offer to help out whenever needed!

The only thing that I don't understand is that he wants me to literally act like their mother when they are with us and I don't think that's right or fair on any of us. I'm not their mother. I don't mean that offensively but it's true. I'm their step mother and I love them (as I believe they do me) but I don't think it's up to me to put them to bed if H is there for example. If I'm on my own with them which I am from time to time, I do send them up to bed myself but when their dad is there is it not better he does it?

My problem with the cancelled plans was not that I didn't want the children there. It was because I feel we can't make plans without them being changed, cancelled, argued about. Like I said if it was a one of I'd not have minded but this is nearly every time we plan to do something.

OP posts:
GeneHuntLover · 07/10/2019 11:47

You have completely the wrong end of the stick queen, nothing in OP's post says or implies she doesn't like the kids.

My DP came home from seeing his daughter at the weekend, said she wants to come and live with us. I've said no, I don't want to share my house with another adult, regardless of who it is, just because they aren't getting on with someone they live with

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 11:48

queen did you even read the op? or just see the word step mother and go off on one?

Manicpixiedreambitch · 07/10/2019 11:48

YANBU. I agree with PP that he's projecting his anger with his ex on to you.

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 11:49

Unless I’ve read your OP wrong you really don’t seem that bothered about his children

Yes, you’ve read it spectacularly wrong.

GeneHuntLover · 07/10/2019 11:50

Hit send too soon, he couldn't understand why I don't feel as strongly for his kids as he does. I got together with DP when his kids were late teens, they are now late 20s and we barely see or hear from them and they are strangers to me.

Loveoddthings · 07/10/2019 11:50

He comes as a package

You want him and regard the children as an aspect to his life. Rather than at the very core of his life.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2019 11:50

I think there's no need to be in the same room as them the whole time, as long as your aren't constantly avoiding them. Having to cancel plans is just part of having kids though I'm afraid.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2019 11:51

If I had a partner who treated my children with the same disdain you appear to treat your partner’s children with, then I would be ending the relationship.

What disdain? Confused

YANBU OP. It sounds as though he's expecting you to love and care for them in exactly the same way his ex does. Except she's their mum so obviously it'll never be exactly the same.

peachgreen · 07/10/2019 11:53

Hmm. I disagree with PP. If you're in a relationship with someone with kids, they will come first and if that's not acceptable to you (which is completely fair enough!) then it probably isn't the right relationship. It must be so hard, kids are so all-consuming and when they're not your biological children I can absolutely imagine it could be really wearing. But I think if you marry someone with young kids you DO become a third parent, really. That's part of the deal.

I don't think you're unreasonable not to do bedtimes, and of course it's totally fine to go off and read a book etc occasionally, but like it or not, you're a family, and should prioritise and enjoy family time together.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:53

Our arrangement with ex was very relaxed and if the odd day changed it was not a problem..

Ours are relaxed also. We swap and change days regularly. It's only a problem on the rare occasions we've actually made plans and he won't say no, I can't sorry. In an emergency of course I'd understand but the majority of the times it's not been. If we weren't doing anything I wouldn't mind at all but this is literally like, I'm ready about to walk out of the door to a restaurant kind of last minute and yeah it gets annoying when it's happened multiple times.

I don't avoid them, I spend 90% of the time they are here with them. It's just if I fancied going reading upstairs he'll say 'why can't you do it in the living room'. I don't understand why it's a problem to have half an hour to myself upstairs even without kids?

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 07/10/2019 11:53

@QueenofmyPrinces I honestly have no idea where you’re coming from on that.

Sometimes I read or do something on my own without my own children, because like the OP, sometimes I need some time alone.

I also hate doing bedtimes as my kids are horrible little buggers when it comes to bedtime - but that’s not really relevant! Wink

I am a step mother btw, DSS is an adult now and we have a great relationship.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 11:54

You want him and regard the children as an aspect to his life. Rather than at the very core of his life

well yes because they're not the very core of his life, they don't live with him.

Even then, they wouldn't be the core of OPs life.

I as a parent with a resident child, and a step child manage to make time for just me and DP. I still love my children.

Having to cancel plans is part of having children, if theyre your resident children. He didn't have to cancel his plans for his ex, he could have an arguably should have said No.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 11:54

Nope you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. You are not their parent and it sounds like you treat them perfectly well. I regularly go and sit in another room if DSS is watching a boy film or playing computer games etc. Couldn't think of anything worse than having to participate! If that makes me an evil step mum, so be it.

The cancelled plans would also piss me off. He is being too soft allowing you both to be messed around like that. He should say no or the ex will continue to take the piss.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2019 11:55

If these are all the things you have an expectation of, then let this guy go and find someone with no children.

  1. Do you really expect people to feel guilty about enjoying child free time? Really?
  2. What parent wants to spend every minute at home with their child? You’re expecting the op to live up to a set of criteria no parents match. I bet the children enjoy spending time with their dad without their step mum there. I certainly did.
Fatshedra · 07/10/2019 11:56

Tell DH that as he is their dad you feel it's important for them to have time with him on his own. That you aren't their DM and you wouldn't want their DM to feel that you are trying to take her place.
Perhaps you could do things on your own with them but occasionally, does he feel put up on and want an easier time?

30to50FeralHogs · 07/10/2019 11:57

If I had a partner who treated my children with the same disdain you appear to treat your partner’s children with, then I would be ending the relationship

I treat MY OWN children with this level of ‘disdain’ - should I leave my home too?!

OP it’s totally natural to be disappointed at cancelled plans and no adult in their right mind would rather spend an evening at home with someone else’s children in order to do a favour for their partner’s ex, than go out for a lovely meal with their partner. TBH most times the actual child’s parent would also rather be going out too, but somehow in step-situations it’s seen as evil for you to express that you prefer spending adult only time with your DP.

I wonder if any of the married parents who go for a night out are made to feel evil and like they clearly hate their DCs because they dare to enjoy an evening without them? No of course not, that’s reserved only for step-parents (well step mothers really, as clearly stepdads are all just marvellous, taking on another man’s children, heroes the lot of them Hmm )

Swipe left for the next trending thread