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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 16:21

It's not the children coming first though is it. It's his exes last minute plans coming first.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 16:27

When my step kids are here I act the same as I do to my own kids, I have put them to bed, cooked with them, taught them to swim, bike ride and tie their shoelaces alongside their dad

Maybe things would be different if me and DH had kids of our own? The lines would be a bit more blurred so to speak.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2019 16:32

The thing with some of these comments is that not all blended families work in the same way. It's all very well coming on and saying how your own situation works, but that doesn't work for everyone and it very much depends on the family dynamics. If I'm honest I would say it's the hardest thing I've done in my life, and at times I struggle. But we all do the best we can. To those of you slating the OP - get back in your boxes with your perfect little lives. She's doing a great job.

Witchydearest · 08/10/2019 16:36

Your not their parent (so they always remind us) don’t lose sleep over it.

OliveOwl · 08/10/2019 16:41

I think you’re being sensible. You’re an interested friendly adult in their live, who cares for them but doesn’t interfere too much. By taking yourself off 50% of the time, you’re making sure they get time alone with their dad, which is probably something they really want and need.

Not to mention the fact they already have a mum and might not like having to have two. And coming on all mum might piss off their actual mum a bit.

I’d be a bit wary if your DH. Sounds a bit to close to him wanting one mum to look after them when they’re not with him, and another to look after them when they are with him, freeing him up to take less/no responsibilty for them.

HotChocolateLover · 08/10/2019 16:43

YANBU. I just don’t feel the same connection with my step kids. I also have a teenage son and he is often in his bedroom, at work or with mates just to add balance to that statement. Not wanting to spend all your time with them doesn’t make you a bad person, it just shows that you are someone who needs some downtime and why shouldn’t you have that?

Witchydearest · 08/10/2019 17:00

Has someone said it yet?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2019 17:01

Yes, and no she wasn't.

Witchydearest · 08/10/2019 17:01

I’ve been at work all day. Has someone said the sentence - clapping hands gleefully

Witchydearest · 08/10/2019 17:03

“ you knew he had kids when you met him”

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 17:05

Yes, a few!

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2019 17:06

Oh sorry, thought it was the other old chestnut that you were referring to ie were you the OW.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/10/2019 17:07

im with you op, i cant understand those women who are desperate to parent other peoples kids.
my dc have a stepmum, she just lets their dad get on with it- fortunately hes not lazy. shes a woman after my own heart.

Witchydearest · 08/10/2019 17:10

😂 Lmao. Sorry Op I’m not laughing at you. I just have a bet with another BM! She said no one would be stupid enough to say it on this thread. She owes me a pound for every time a BM! Says it. More money to spend on a holiday without my SC. ( that one really winds them up) 😉

Witchydearest · 08/10/2019 17:11

Oh yeah I forgot about that one. That’s a good one too!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2019 17:12

@witchydearest I wish I had a quid for every time someone had said that to me on a thread! They really need to think up some new ones.

Iamnotagoddess · 08/10/2019 17:20

I do think that's nice if it works for your family, but I would say I don't think its the norm and a lot of ex's would consider their toes well and truly stepped on

Tbf that is in the absence of their mother putting any effort into any of those things - she happily lets me crack on as it means she can sit and drink wine - but that’s a whole other thread ....

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 18:51

i cant understand those women who are desperate to parent other peoples kids

I'm satisfied with them just liking me and not hating my existence to be honest 😂

OP posts:
Vanhi · 08/10/2019 19:06

Not being the evil stepmother is becoming one of my life goals Confused.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 19:08

It's quite difficult isn't it Vanhi!

OP posts:
FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 19:10

I think “those woman” are desperate to please or otherwise very maternal.

HeckyPeck · 08/10/2019 19:19

Is cooking, laundry, school runs, packed lunches, child care when needed and a great relationship with them not enough?

I don’t do any of those things. I must be an evil stepmother in some people here’s minds!

If me and DH were due to go to dinner, cinema etc and he kept cancelling last minute for non-urgent plans I’d just say

“Oh that’s a shame that you can’t come DH. Have fun with DSD and I’ll catch up with you when I’m back.”

He can change his plans all he wants but he doesn’t get to tell you what you can do with your free time.

You mind find he starts saying no sometimes if he’s missing out and you’re not there to pick up all the slack for the childcare.

1300cakes · 08/10/2019 21:19

YABER (extremely reasonable) OP. You sound like the SM a lot of families wish they had.

Your DH wants you to want to do everything for the SC. But why doesn't he want that himself? And if he does, why does he want you to, as there would then be a clash, surely.

Its similar to the idea many men have about parenting in general. Apparently it's so easy that when mum is at home with the kids, it's a relaxing day off for her. But it's similantanously so difficult that the dad can't be expected to look after kids solo for an hour. It can't be both!

Sewrainbow · 08/10/2019 21:25

Yanbu I have children that age and can't bear to be in the same room as them when playing video games or what hing their preferred TV!

Doesn't mean I don't love them. I dont think bedtime is your responsibility btw.

Courtney555 · 08/10/2019 21:45

AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

If these are all the things you have an expectation of, then let this guy go and find someone with no children.

Honestly Grin the MN first wives club kill me. Thank god they seem to be dwindling, but they still pounce on any thread with a stepmother.

OP. I bloody love time without my DC. After bed time, when DH and I can put a film on. After dinner when DS is banished to the dining room to do whine about doing his homework. And by the fine logic on this thread, I should leave my own DC Grin

You see, on MN, you could give the ex your kidney, give her kids your life savings, and there's a certain clique who will be up in arms when after that, you want a whole cup of tea to yourself. Ignore it, as you can see from PP it's verging on humour when it pops up now.

You sound like you go over and above for your DSC, they are lucky to have you. The issue is why DH prioritised his ex's plans over the ones he had with you. You and he had plans. She should have been told "sorry, we can't cancel the plans we have today, on this occasion you'll have to ask another family member to help." If she couldn't find someone else, then she should have changed her plans, and, y'know looked after her own children, like she expected (and got) you too.

Unless it was an emergency (I haven't read full thread to see exact circumstances) and you needed to take the children immediately, then of course you should have. If she was just inconvenienced, and you were made to drop all your plans so she could do whatever it was she wanted, then DH is massively BU. You have them 50% of the time already. You're not childcare at the click of her fingers on top of that, if she needs a babysitter, she finds her own.