DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

I guess part of the plans thing wasn't that I don't understand that it's par for the course of having kids but more because I just don't feel like he ever says no and he literally does not understand why I'd have liked to go for a meal when I could spend the evening with the kids instead. Like yes obviously that's great but I can still look forward to things without them can't I?!

I do think of myself as a third parent, we’ve been together more than half my DSC lives. Before baby DD arrived I sometimes used to go in for bedtime but very few together families have both parents doing bedtime together - makes far more sense for one to do that and the other to tidy up after dinner or whatever.

You’re plenty involved, school run, lunches, having a close loving relationship with them. He’s being ridiculous and unfair. He also shouldn’t just cancel your plans like that. Would he expect to drop a night with them at short notice and expect his ex to cancel what she had on because he couldn’t have/didn’t want them? Flexibility is good if it works both ways.

He needs to remember that you’re a bonus adult in their lives and he hopefully managed to parent them by himself before you got together and would again if you split up.

Don’t get guilted into giving up your life to satisfy his weird ideas about your role. You’re happy, the kids are happy, he’s creating problems where there are none. If he carries on trying to be your boss rather than your partner I’d have serious words and reconsider the relationship.

I don’t think many Mums of nearly 10 year olds would think there was anything wrong with doing their own thing while the kids were watching TV anyway.

"Unless I’ve read your OP wrong you really don’t seem that bothered about his children.".....
I'm also one here who doesnt think we are reading the same thread. I dont think that at all. They are his children, he needs to put them to bed. If you do as he asks, it will be you doing all the work and him nothing.

QueenofmyPrinces it's like you a different thread Are you projecting?

Anyway op, yanbu in the slightest. Ffs it's fine to not be in the same room and go read a book on your own with your bio children. It sounds to me like he wants you to parent so he either doesn't have to or doesn't have to be alone with them.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar

So many mummy martyrs on here. It’s ok to be irritated that dinner plans have fallen through. It can happen for a multitude of reasons.

What’s not ok is to make a parent - step or biological - feel like they’re failing if they even envisage spending time away from the child, even if that ‘time away’ is just not putting them to bed!

YANBU - I think this stems from his guilt about splitting the family up and possibly a projection with his ex onto you. Sorry OP, that's tough on you. But I don't think your attitude is wrong - you are involved, you love them, they love you and are comfortable with you. He needs to step up more I think!

I wonder if he was hoping you'd share more of the parenting burden letting him off the hook with some of the mundane aspects?

YANBU, I would be miffed if I had to cancel dinner plans with DP because ExH cancelled having DS, and he's my own son! I don't see anything in your OP that suggests you treat his children with "disdain", btw

Agree with this totally.

Your DH's ex sounds as if she might be a CF! How often is this happening, and does it ever happen the other way? If she asks for an extra evening, does she pay back?

The stepmother role IS different and your DH needs to accept the richness this brings to his DC's lives, not expect you to be a 'clonemother'.

Is he very traditional in other ways, like having notions about 'women's work' and expecting you to pick up his socks etc?

Before you got together, did the two of you sit down and talk about each other's expectations around his children?

I might be inclined to plan an activity you could enjoy together or separately, or even confide in and line up a friend if you feel off going alone, so if your DSC are decanted into your house at short notice you can tell him it's a shame he can't come after all and follow your plans regardless. That might reveal his deeper attitudes and show him yours quite effectively.

He is their DF and they are his responsibility, not yours, however much you love them.

Bottom line: in an unlikely scenario where he sadly died, would you still have them 50:50 with his ex? I doubt it.

No OP you are not unreasonable in the slightest .. bit I think I know what is going on here ..

Your DH has unrealistic expectations of you. You see most (I will admit, not all) fathers like the 'fun' part of child care. Playing with the kids, watching movies together, some don't mind being the taxi service ... however , when it comes to the drudge work, the putting to bed, making pack lunches, entertaining them when not in the mood .. well , guess who (mostly) does that stuff ? Mothers - that's who.. so this is why your DH has the arse... with no 'mother ' there with him, it's all his to do.. so he thinks YOU should be helping him. ! It's 'women work' you see. It's a default setting. ..

I say this as a SM for nearly 20 years. I promise you your DSC don't give a fig. There main interest is their dad... It's only in the last few years that my dsc have started meeting for lunch, cinema, spending time together. Until then I was just dads wife. Same sort of relationship. Love them, not in the same way as my own but love them nonetheless. Would do stuff for them, taxi them around, listen to problems, give advice etc... but I told DH at the beginning I was not a 'mum substitute ' and that when they were with him, they were HIS responsibility..

As for guilt when they aren't with us.? Bloody hell - not a moment of it. Every minute of child (own or step) free time is to be relished !!

well yes because they're not the very core of his life, they don't live with him.

If my children didn’t live with me, they would still lie at the very core of my life.

You are beginning to see why he's somebody else's ex?
No, you are not doing anything wrong, but of course you'll be told you have to be a step mother if he has kids.
Tell him that the kids have 2 parents and if he needs to cancel your arrangements for his kids then he needs to be single as most women want an actual relationship, not to be on standby.
Of course his kids come firat, but they shouldn't always be his focus, if he can't say no, it's time to move on.

YANBU at all!

I'd show him this thread.

You're right. He's wrong.

He's the parent. Your approach is correct because it is so easy to step over the line where step children are concerned. You are NOT their mother and if you stepped too far the other way, you can bet there'd be hell to pay.

You are supportive. You don't resent them. You like them and are involved with them.

You DON'T parent them - they have parents.

The real issue is the cancelling plans last minute. Agree he needs to find a middle way here (some backbone?) I too think it's misplaced anger. He needs to learn to say no at a certain point of taking-the-piss-ness and understand that that doesn't equate to rejecting his children.

So he expects you to do bedtime when he is there in the home with his kids? (as in your example) Just why? Is he really trying to fob his parenting off on you and if you don't you get accused of not liking his kids? Surely many parents have a bit of alone time in the house and children of the age of your DSC don't need constant supervision, how would you get anything done otherwise.

You are 'some sort of third parent' to his kids.

Of course it's not a crime to have time off, to get annoyed with last minute change of plans etc, but only you know if you are involved and fair. Just be honest with yourself.

Oh and by the way, I tucked my kids into bed until they were secondary school. Some don't, some do. But it's not unusual or OTT to carry on some kind of bedtime routine.

If you were more involved someone would say you were overbearing, you can't win. He probably would prefer to see his kids, that's life. He should have consulted you. They will soon grow up and not be around so much. It's not easy but don't sweat the small stuff

He sounds like a typical man trying to get out of his own responsibilities to his own children!
Go out. Work lae. Make him be a proper parent.

He sounds sexist to me. He was probably used to his wife doing it alla t home and in you thought he had found another mug.

Thehouseintheforest reply is exactly what I think.

It's just if I fancied going reading upstairs he'll say 'why can't you do it in the living room'. I don't understand why it's a problem to have half an hour to myself upstairs even without kids?

YANBU, and you need to ask him this. 'DH, why don't you want me to go upstairs to read for half an hour? What's wrong with that?'

We can't tell you that.

Sounds to me like you do plenty for the kids.

I don't blame you for being frustrated at your h's inability to say no to his ex when it means you changing your plans. That's not fair.

The children already have a Mother! I tried to be a good friend but not overstep the boundaries when my steps were here. Anyway, point out to him that the Mother may be hurt if she feels you are trying to take on/over her role.

Oh and by the way, I tucked my kids into bed until they were secondary school. Some don't, some do. But it's not unusual or OTT to carry on some kind of bedtime routine

I'm not suggesting otherwise, I'm only saying they aren't babies and would probably be a bit at me coming up to tuck them in when their dad is downstairs.

I adore my kids, but if I planned to go out for dinner with DH and that got cancelled, I'd be disappointed. If my date got cancelled because someone else couldn't get their shit together wrt their own kids, resulting in me having to look after them, I'd be annoyed as well as disappointed.

You sound fine and perfectly normal to me. You are nice to his kids, help out when you can but they aren't yours and you aren't obliged to feel about them the way their dad does.
Also even parents sometimes want to sneak upstairs and read a book in peace. Nothing at all wrong in that.

If my children didn’t live with me, they would still lie at the very core of my life

but you'd have considerably less time without them, wouldn't be doing the school runs and making their tea everyday, you would quite obviously have less involvement than someone who parents full time.