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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 07/10/2019 13:21

there is absolutely no reason why you can read a book/watch Netflix on a tablet with headphones or whatever just in the same room. It's quite rude and honestly does scream that you don't want to be around them

I think it's ruder to sit there with headphones on in the same room - if people are doing their own thing, I can't see the benefit of us all being on top of each other when we have our own spaces.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 13:22

Unreasonable. No matter whether their dad is there or not. When my sister visits she often does bedtime with my ten year old. Mum and MIL do too. It helps relationships. But you seem to see it as a chore

mabel I think your family is the exception, rather than the rule.

frazzledasarock · 07/10/2019 13:22

Sounds more to me like your ah wants you to parent so he can do his own thing.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your take on step-parenting. You are there as an additional adult in their lives, your not their mum, pretty sure PP’s who take exception to you not running around waiting on the dc hand and foot and being thrilled at having to cancel last minute plans in non emergency situations for them, would be spewing bile if you called yourself their mum 🙄

Ten year olds have their own need for privacy and probably do not want you hovering around when they’re getting ready for bed. They probably todo what their dad there.

He really sounds to me like he doesn’t want to do it himself so is making yo out to be an evil step parent because you’re not acting like his skivvy.

Tell him you love your step children that’s why you are giving them space to have quality time alone with their dad.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/10/2019 13:23

I’m really surprised at this. No step-parents in our house and yet wanting to be on your own for a bit to read wouldn’t attract comment from any of us.

I often read while DH is watching something I don't want to watch on telly (I'm not a huge TV fan really) but I don't go in another room to do it - why would I need to?

It just feels like I'd be saying "I don't want to be in the same room as you" Confused

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 13:24

fragipani

I personally find it hard to concentrate on reading then there is a tv on in the background.

DP doesn't take it personally at all, why would he?

Its healthy to have your own space sometimes.

Settlersofcatan · 07/10/2019 13:25

He sounds lazy to me. He's annoyed- possibly subconsciously - that you won't do all of the parenting for him, on top of almost all the housework.

vintanner · 07/10/2019 13:25

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50)

When you married you OH you obviously knew he had children and you would become a step mum to them. Just imagine if the worst were to happen and you got the children full time, how would you feel then? You would be their only 'mum' albeit a step mum. Think if you had given birth to them, how would you feel about them then. You wouldn't have to spend 24/7 with them but you would be 'there' for them whenever needed.

Do you act differently when the children do come round, do you normally take yourself into another room to read a book when it's just you and your OH?

So you take them to school (sometimes), make their lunch (sometimes), that is not such a hardship, is it?

Being a step mum IS different from a biological mum, but it shouldn't make 'you' act any different to them as you would your 'own' child/ren.

bringincrazyback · 07/10/2019 13:25

Here’s a thought:
Our own children don’t always come first. Sometimes WE come first
How else will THEY (as kids) learn to put others first when necessary?
How else will they learn that Mum/Dad are adults who need to have relaxed times/fun with and without the kids. After all, they have relaxed time/fun with and without us as parents.
So yes, while everything we do/think has to factor them in, sometimes we choose to put ourselves first and do something they wouldn’t necessarily choose as their first option.
This goes for step children too.
The kids know they are loved, but they need to know that sometimes the answer has to be not now.
Otherwise we risk raising a generation of incapable and inconsiderate snowflakes who can’t relate to each other or to other members of society

applauds loudly

This. Exactly this.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/10/2019 13:26

If he's working longer hours but you get no benefit from that then there's absolutely no reason why you should be picking up nearly all the cooking and laundry. You are simply making up your working hours up to equal his except he's getting paid money for his time and you're not because your extra hours are working in the home.

Sorry but you're being taken for a mug.

ZenNudist · 07/10/2019 13:27

YANBU but this is classic a stepmothers place is in the wrong. Either theyre trying to take over from the mum or they aren't involved enough.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 13:30

vintanner

When you married you OH you obviously knew he had children and you would become a step mum to them. Just imagine if the worst were to happen and you got the children full time, how would you feel then? You would be their only 'mum' albeit a step mum. Think if you had given birth to them, how would you feel about them then. You wouldn't have to spend 24/7 with them but you would be 'there' for them whenever needed.

well I was in this situation where I became "mum" full time (she didn't die she threw dss out) and tbh nothing can prepare you for that. Things do change, but DP still did the majority of parenting. Now that he has moved out I have gone back to being "friendly adult" which is the role I wanted in the first place.

Asking how OP would feel if she had given birth to them is irrelevant, as she didn't and that cannot change. I think most step parents feel differently about their own children.

Do you take them to school (sometimes), make their lunch (sometimes), that is not such a hardship, is it?

what are you not getting that this isn't her responsibility, and shouldn't be expected of her? Op is doing this because she wants to not because she has to.

Being a step mum IS different from a biological mum, but it shouldn't make 'you' act any different to them as you would your 'own' child/ren

you are deluded if you think that being a step parent (Especially a NRP step parent) is the same as having your own children, and you usually do feel differently about them. It is unusual to believe that you will love somebody elses children as much as you do your own. This generally happens when you've raised the kids from babies, or their other parent has died etc, which obviously is not what has happened here.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 13:30

I often read while DH is watching something I don't want to watch on telly (I'm not a huge TV fan really) but I don't go in another room to do it - why would I need to?

Some people like time on their own.

monkeymonkey2010 · 07/10/2019 13:30

Why did him and his ex divorce/split up OP?

Mephisto · 07/10/2019 13:32

I agree with @mycathateweverybody

Do you have shared finance, OP? If not, I don’t understand why you are doing nearly all the housework?

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 13:33

Just imagine if the worst were to happen and you got the children full time, how would you feel then? You would be their only 'mum' albeit a step mum

Then that would be an entirely different situation wouldn't it?

At the moment, I'm not the only mum they have. They have one.

Think if you had given birth to them, how would you feel about them then

But I didn't give birth to them???

I don't feel anything (bad) about them. I think some posters are confusing this with negative feelings towards the DC which is not the case. I care about them, I laugh with them, spend time with them, make their food, take them to school sometimes, enjoy their company a lot of the time. BUT I don't think what I do now is appreciated considering I'm not their parent. I do all of the above and yet I'm considered not involved enough because I don't put them to bed or because I come upstairs to read by myself occasionally. It's nothing to do with the children. It's me being made to feel like I'm not doing enough or not 'acting parent' enough when I really don't think I need to be doing more than I already do in the circumstances (with them not actually being my children and all).

To the PP who said why can't I just read a book whilst they are watching TV... Why? Why can't I have a bit of peace and quiet in my bedroom with a good book for half an hour? Why do I have to be glued to their sides when they are here? They couldn't care less! It's only DH who ever sees it as a problem. Like I said, it's not all of the time. It's occasionally.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/10/2019 13:34

Mephisto OP said upthread "He doesn't financially support me but I do work quite a few hours less than him."

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 07/10/2019 13:35

But it's not that. It's the expectation that I should be doing it of my own accord because I want to because they are my children too and if I don't then I obviously don't care that much about them.

I had this crap and the step child in question was an adult!
He expected me to instantly love his child as much as he did, on the basis of 2 or 3 meetings a year. He seemed to take it as a personal insult when I reasonably pointed out that both me and the step-adult were quite happy being friendly when we met but neither of us had any desire to do any more than that; and the only single thing we had in common was him. In fact it worked fine for years until ex decided I wasn't being mumsy enough; and then it fell apart.

So no, YADNBU!

haverhill · 07/10/2019 13:35

But you ARE 'some sort of third parent' and an 'actual parent' aren't you? Their step-mum?

YANBU about your plans falling through at last minute.
YANBU about reading upstairs (I often do - there's only so much Top Gear I can take).
I'm a bit puzzled by the attitudes on here, though. Surely if you marry someone sharing 50/50 custody, you realise that the kids will come first, at least while they're still kids. The fact that they aren't biologically yours is neither here nor there.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 13:36

So you take them to school (sometimes), make their lunch (sometimes), that is not such a hardship, is it?

Where have I said it is? I've actually said I don't mind doing this because I want to help out. What I don't like is being expected to be their mother when I'm not. It's not healthy for anyone.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 07/10/2019 13:36

I doubt anyone can form an accurate opinion on your specific situation without spending a few days as a fly on your wall. we are only getting one side of the story.

That said.........

As the committed live-in partner of someone with kids it's essential to accept that you need to also commit to those kids. I'm not saying you aren't but there are a few ambiguous signals in your posts and the step-parent haters on here will latch onto them like pitbulls.

For his side, he needs to accept that they are his kids and you are not there to do all the "woman's work" in regard to them. More importantly, he needs to understand that when he has them staying it is their time with him. They come to see their dad first and foremost, not you, though of course it is vital to their emotional health that they also enjoy your company and have a positive relationship with you. The drudgery that comes with parenting is also a critical part of his time with him. They will value him as a dad for the times he wiped their noses/bums, helped them get changed, made their dinner, helped with homework etc etc etc as much as they will the fun stuff, probably more so. If he is guilty of trying to devolve the drudgery to you then he is being unreasonable, both to you and his kids.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/10/2019 13:37

This isn't a situation of the kids coming first though is it? It's the ex coming first.

NoEntryIntoTheMind · 07/10/2019 13:37

I bloody knew you'd be doing their laundry!! And cooking their dinner.

You are doing some of the drudgery mum stuff. Do not take on any more. He can do bed time or teach them to be self sufficient at bedtime (they are the right age for it - if he's finding it hard).

He also needs to prioritise your needs too. Cancelling a meal out at the drop of a hat just because ExW says so is not on.

You are not their mother and yet you are already doing more than enough.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 13:38

I'm a bit puzzled by the attitudes on here, though. Surely if you marry someone sharing 50/50 custody, you realise that the kids will come first, at least while they're still kids. The fact that they aren't biologically yours is neither here nor there

the kids come first to him - the issue is he is expecting the kids to come first to OP as well.

The fact they are not biologically hers certainly IS here or there.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 13:38

As the committed live-in partner of someone with kids it's essential to accept that you need to also commit to those kids. I'm not saying you aren't but there are a few ambiguous signals in your posts and the step-parent haters on here will latch onto them like pitbulls

what ambiguous signals are those then?

Cherrysoup · 07/10/2019 13:39

At nearly ten, of course they can be left so you can have a quiet time upstairs, read, lie down whatever. Surely no parent spends 24/7 with their kids at the weekend! Are you supposed to take them to the loo with you? Not have a bath because they're in the lounge-alone?!