DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

*I think he already has you doing a lot of ‘mum’ stuff, doesn’t he? He’s pushing at the boundaries you are setting up because a) he is probably genuinely confused and b) you’re making it easy for him to do so.

Why can’t he cook for his own kids and do their laundry?*

I have to disagree with this. It would be petty to cook for herself and have two dinners cooked - also not very efficient. Equally, why not chuck their washing in if you're putting a load on? As a SM I do all of this. But sometimes DH cooks/washes for all of us. Putting the partner's kids to bed is a whole different matter and I agree that the kids would probably find it weird.

Op he actually sounds like he wants you to do all the parenting. Which is not on whether they’re your biological kids or step kids.

He’s looking for Mary bloody poppins not a dp.

Why can’t he cook for his own kids and do their laundry?

I do most (not all) of the housework anyway because I work less than him. I don't mind that, he does do stuff around the house so I'm not complaining. Therefore, I don't feel like I should separate this stuff out when his kids are here.

I cook anyway so I'll cook for his kids, I do the washing anyway so I'll pop their stuff in too. To me it would be petty to do otherwise when I'm doing it anyway.

chocolatesaltyballs22

She said she does 95% of cooking and laundry. That’s not the same as throwing their stuff in if she’s putting on a load, or just doing her share of the cooking. That’s SAHM territory.

It would be very interesting for you to have a chat with the ex and find out how much parenting he did then.

A lot of men think sitting on the sofa watching tv and smiling benignly while the woman runs around like a proverbial blue arsed fly is being a good dad.

I do most (not all) of the housework anyway because I work less than him

How much less? If he is financially supporting you, it becomes clearer why he sees your role as “mum”. If it’s just that you happen to work fewer hours but you both pay your own way, the balance sounds wrong to me.

YANBU - I say this as haven't been a step-daughter and a step-mother. I can put this in another way from PP. (Also as a PP said please show your OH this thread.)

Firstly the children are over 10. They are old enough to sit in a room on their own and occupy themselves without constant adult supervision. This shows the children that you trust them and this is one small step to them being independent.

Secondly your OH should not be having the children ad-hoc unless it is an emergency. It isn't good for the children to be dumped on their father randomly as they won't know which parent they are suppose to be with when. This isn't good for their sense of security.

YANBU at all. If he isn't happy with the positive relationship you already have with them and can't cope with you also enjoying time without them as well or being disappointed that organised plans were cancelled at the last minute without piling on a guilt trip, then he is not empathetic enough to date someone that is not the mother of his children.

He is their parent, and you need to respect that (and quite clearly do).

You are not their parent, and he needs to respect that.

He sounds stifling.

He doesn't financially support me but I do work quite a few hours less than him.

Realise this isn't the main point here, but... putting them to bed at nearly 10?? Is this normal nowadays? I'd been going to bed under my own steam for years by the time I was that age.

Also, bedtime stories at nearly 10 (as one poster mentioned)?? Really??

Here’s a thought:

Our own children don’t always come first. Sometimes WE come first

How else will THEY (as kids) learn to put others first when necessary?

How else will they learn that Mum/Dad are adults who need to have relaxed times/fun with and without the kids. After all, they have relaxed time/fun with and without us as parents.

So yes, while everything we do/think has to factor them in, sometimes we choose to put ourselves first and do something they wouldn’t necessarily choose as their first option.

This goes for step children too.

The kids know they are loved, but they need to know that sometimes the answer has to be not now.

Otherwise we risk raising a generation of incapable and inconsiderate snowflakes who can’t relate to each other or to other members of society

PleasedToMeetYouSir

Assuming you pay household expenses roughly 50/50, I personally see no reason for you to cook 95% of the time or do virtually all the laundry, including his kids’. Mixed messages - that’s why you’re where you are, IMHO.

Whether the op is supported by him or not, she’s not the de facto parent. She’s not a chattel ffs.

MzHz

Nobody is a chattel. But if she was at home and he was paying all the bills I would think it was totally reasonable for her to do more of the parenting. What else would he be getting out of such an uneven arrangement?

As it is, it sounds like he has got himself a wage-earning housewife - ideal for him!

YANBU
I always think being a step parent is such a difficult role-trying to get the balance right for all parties-kids, partner, ex etc. It sounds like you are extremely sensitive to everyone in your situation. And I think you are right to ensure that your DH kids get to spend time with him when at home with him. I guess ref the ex asking for help at last minute-totally get why you having to cancel plans is frustrating-most people would feel the same in the circumstances-I guess only you can decide if its worth kicking up a fuss about that with your partner based on the circumstances-are there times when Mum helps out your DH with the kids at the last minute if needed?

YANBU

It’s really annoying when you are looking forward to something and exW decides her plans are more important than yours. It’s even more annoying when your DH just jumps and it becomes frequent. It’s really hard to plan around everything when your schedule is dictated by someone else. I understand sometimes it’s tough ie poorly child, but when it’s so exW can have a night out it’s irritating.

YANBU at feeling you can’t have some space from DSC when they’re with you. I like my down time and sometimes DH has the DC when I read, run, have a bath. I’m not a monster I need some headspace. Oddly, when I said DSC had been a difficult child on a particular day/week/whatever my DH was flabbergasted and said he never felt that way. When, like last night, my own DC was up all night crying and I said (in jest but from a place of tiredness) that I wanted to put him in the bin that’s ok. As a SM you aren’t allowed to voice anything negative or admit you’d like a break unlike being a parent.

I think your DH has some kind of romantic/unrealistic view of parenting, I'm the only parent my DC have and I certainly dont spend all my time with them nor did I tuck them in every night at age 10.

Ime that's normal, what he thinks you should be doing isnt

YANBU for being pissed off about having to change your plans - unless it was some kind of major emergency then your DH should have told his ex "sorry I can't, we have plans".

My BIL was like this, always accommodating of his ex and tbh she took the piss. When he eventually did say no all he'll broke loose.

YABU for going and sitting upstairs though, no you don't have to watch Childrens TV but there is absolutely no reason why you can read a book/watch Netflix on a tablet with headphones or whatever just in the same room. It's quite rude and honestly does scream that you don't want to be around them!

So what if you do less hours? It's still his responsibility to do housework, his own laundry and cook dinner half the time too. You should be able to use that time to do as you want, not clean up after him. He gets a good deal here doesn't he.

Of course, you could start insisting that he hires a babysitter for planned nights out even if you aren't due to have the kids that night....so that you can be sure to not have to drop everything.
Obviously he'd have to pay.

YABU for going and sitting upstairs though, no you don't have to watch Childrens TV but there is absolutely no reason why you can read a book/watch Netflix on a tablet with headphones or whatever just in the same room. It's quite rude and honestly does scream that you don't want to be around them!

I’m really surprised at this. No step-parents in our house and yet wanting to be on your own for a bit to read wouldn’t attract comment from any of us.

I think it’s ok to be disappointed when plans fall through, I don’t have step children but if a babysitter let us down last minute and I missed a meal out with DH I’d be disappointed so why isn’t OP allowed to feel the same? Also he is their dad not you so I can see your point of view but he probably just wants all the people who he loves the most in the world to be each other’s worlds too which maybe is unrealistic in this case.

YABU for going and sitting upstairs though, no you don't have to watch Childrens TV but there is absolutely no reason why you can read a book/watch Netflix on a tablet with headphones or whatever just in the same room. It's quite rude and honestly does scream that you don't want to be around them!

That's complete rubbish. Everyone needs time to themselves every so often, for their own sanity!

sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down)

Kind of reasonable, DH does this sometimes. Not to read, but to have a lie down.

its not up to me to put them to bed

Unreasonable. No matter whether their dad is there or not. When my sister visits she often does bedtime with my ten year old. Mum and MIL do too. It helps relationships. But you seem to see it as a chore.

YABU for going and sitting upstairs though, no you don't have to watch Childrens TV but there is absolutely no reason why you can read a book/watch Netflix on a tablet with headphones or whatever just in the same room. It's quite rude and honestly does scream that you don't want to be around them!

sometimes, you don't want to be around kids when they're watching something annoying or gaming or whatever.

DS is 3 (and is my child) and I have been known to go and very slowly sort the washing out upstairs, just to get away from watching another episode of whatever shite he likes on Netflix that weekend. Its different in that he is 3 so I only do that when he's with DP but it doesn't mean I love him any less because I want a break from endless episodes of childrens TV.

same when dss is on the play station, I don't want to sit and watch him play,. I wouldn't sit and watch DP play it either, and I don't dislike either of them!