DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

@dottiedodah she is available to them. 90% of the time when they’re together.

This might be the world view he has of women and their role in life. He needs to look after his own children, and not by getting someone else to take over his role for him.

I don't avoid them, I spend 90% of the time they are here with them. It's just if I fancied going reading upstairs he'll say 'why can't you do it in the living room'. I don't understand why it's a problem to have half an hour to myself upstairs even without kids?

He sounds like a controlling arse. I couldn't bear being told that I couldn't go and quietly read a book in my own house. My BIL is a controlling arse and he once started that carry on when we were relaxing all together in my PIL's living room. He told me I couldn't browse the internet on my mobile phone because it was "family time". I told him to concentrate on looking after his own children.

I understand OP, We have my DP DC 3 nights a week, we also have our DD who still naps. When she does I go out or go upstairs to have some me time. DP doesn't have an issue with this. He will say are you not taking 1 of DSs with me? why would I give up my childfree trip to the shops

He does comment if I arrange a playdate/visit with DD at the weekend(when we have his DCs) and that I don't invite them as well. He will say oh are you not taking DS1 and DS2? I just say no unless he is willing to come to (which 90% of the time he doesn't want to come)

While I enjoy having the boys I am not their mother, I cook, do washing, play with them but DP does bedtimes and any activities they do out of the house that doesn't involve DD.

Also YANBU to feel a bit miffed your meal was cancelled

Holidayhelpp there was literally no need for that at all. It isn't rubbish from our point of view and where the actual whatever did I say Dp helps out because I am lazy or busy? You really do have a problem with that chip on your shoulder

We operate as a family unit , I dont expect anything from Dp other than we operate as a team.

I am the poster child for strong women and don't for a second believe that women should have to do " women's work". Never have and never will, but if you are ridiculous enough to believe that you get to opt out of certain things in a blended family home then there is something really wrong with the way you view the world.

I'm sitting on the fence so much so that my arse might get a splinter. I agree that the kids should have time with their father without 'you' so to speak and you should be able to do whatever you like in your own home. But when you marry a man with kids you also sign them up to your life. You sound measured in your posts; but without meaning to be rude this sort of thing is exactly why I would never marry a man with kids.

To me, the dynamic you had in mind with regards to his children should have been discussed and agreed before you got married. You are their step-mother. To him, that seems to involve co-parenting when they are with you both, and your acceptance that he will always need to put them first. To you, they are visiting him in your home (so it’s not their home?) and you are just there. Which is totally different.

But what possibly muddies the water is that you have picked up a certain amount of the parenting work (making packed lunches?) but you are trying to draw boundaries now; to him, it might be late in the day.

shiny
I think you're probably in the minority, tbh. I wouldn't expect anyone who is not DS parent to put him to bed (unless he is sleeping at their house!) and I certainly wouldn't kick a partner out over not doing something that actually I should be doing.

We operate as a family unit too, but I am not his sons mother and thankfully nobody expects me to be. I do some things a mother would do, I did a lot when he lived FT with us but DP didn't expect me to and im glad because I would have thought that was a frankly disgusting attitude to have.

You do get to opt out of parenting if you are not a parent, how silly to believe otherwise.

YANBU OP

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong at all. What is DP going to do about it then, if he doesn't like your parenting style?

Surely it depends though why the ex needed the children’s father to take them? It’s just not as straightforward as saying that she should be the one to make different arrangements.

Ex going out on a hot date of her own then yes, she should make plans for the DC. But ex having to go to a family member/friend’s funeral I think it’s fair enough to ask the children’s father to have them.

I have always made my own plans wrt DC in the past, however I was once taken into hospital by ambulance, my DC stayed with my DP overnight, but when I rang ex to tel him the next morning that I was in hospital his response was “it’s just that we have plans for tonight.” I made different arrangements, but I thought less of him as a father after that, and my DC are under no illusion as to whether he wil be there in the event he is needed to be.

YANBU

I love my children and I don’t even want to be around them 24/7. My husband has said something similar to me in the past where he’s home and I head off to another room for a bit even though I still put them down to bed and I remind him that we have two children ( 1 in nursery), and I’m exclusively nursing one meaning I’m never alone unless he has them so when he gets home I want a moment to myself where I’m not on alert. It took me going on an overnight for him to get it.

You are not their mum as you have stated. You are doing what you should be as a step mum, being supportive. If they were younger, I’d get where your husband was coming from, but they’re almost ten. Why do nine olds need to be tucked in? Unless, they ask you to be there, there is no reason for you to do so. They’re old enough to be quite self-sufficient so not sure what he is expecting you to do with them. Sitting and listening to them watch cartoon and video games isn’t interacting with them either unless you’re playing video games with them so don’t really see the problem with you going somewhere quiet to read a book.

I would also be annoyed if every time you get a night out alone together, you have to cancel to have the children, I’d be questioning that considering it is a constant occurrence and you have a dh problem in that respect if he isn’t willing for his ex to make other arrangements or have someone else do it if possible. That’s not fair to you or him as a couple. How often does this happen? Would their mother do the same if he needed her to have them instead?

*AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

If these are all the things you have an expectation of, then let this guy go and find someone with no children.*

Give up! I have three children of my own. They came out of my body and they are my life and yet it'll be a cold day in hell when I decide to spend all of my time sitting in a room with them being forced to watch the bloody Thundermans or youtubers when I can be sitting in another room reading a book.

I had a stepmum. In fact I've had a couple. Have a stepdad too. They have never needed to be another parent. As long as they were nice to DSis and I (one was a megabitch from Hell so I know what a shit SM is) then they did what was needed and expected of a stepparent. It's not like OP is neglecting or being nasty to her stepkids, making family dinners for everyone but the SC or sending them away if they come near.

I too would be pissed off at an organised meal out being cancelled because the sitter or other parents changed their plans.

My BIL is a controlling arse and he once started that carry on when we were relaxing all together in my PIL's living room. He told me I couldn't browse the internet on my mobile phone because it was "family time". I told him to concentrate on looking after his own children.

He’s lucky you didn’t throw up on his shoes!

I don't have a set of rules.

I've not even known that this was an issue (the bed thing) until he mentioned it. I've not given him a list of things I will and won't do.

I actually thought I was doing pretty well taking them to school when he or ex can't which includes getting them up, getting them ready and fed, teeth brushed, hair done etc... I do it without complaint because yes, we're a team and I want to help out.

What I didn't expect to have to do was parent his kids when he is there. As I said, the kids would think at it as well. I 'parent' when I'm on my own with them and will occasionally back DH up if they have been naughty but other than that I thought I was doing the right thing leaving most of the parent stuff to him when he's around.

Fwiw, I do 95% of the laundry and tea cooking so it's not as though I say 'ill make my dinner and you can make yours and the kids'.

Unless it is an emergency if the dm asks and you are busy then it is tough, she will have to find childcare for her own dc.

I am sure that non-seperated parents would have a row if one had firm plans and suddenly the other who was to look after the dc suddenly demanded they be cancelled as they fancied a night out after all.

Yanbu op, actual parents aren't tied to their dc,, the fact that you step in when ddad and dmum are both too busy for their own dc shows that. Your dh is a dick.

I think he needs to get in the real world. You sound about right OP, they are not your children, he should be parenting them all the time not you.At the end of the day all you need to be is nice,kind and polite that's it.
Also 10 year olds can take themselves to bed.

Shinyletsbebadguys regarding " Dp is not my childrens father but in our home it's a family unit" - the thing is you're comparing being a step father to being a step mother - the expectations put upon the sexes are never the same as each other. The family unit for the vast majority of "together" households is the mum doing the lunches, dinners, sorting school bags, buying uniforms and taking on the mental load of parenting even when both parents work full time. Therefore in separated families mum will keep doing what she's doing so there will be far fewer parenting expectations put upon a man slotting into the "dad" role, compared to a female step parent slotting into the "mum" role. OP already does the lunches (and I can bet you she''l be helping with other stuff too) - why should she be taking on any child-related chores on a regular basis if her DH won't show her a little consideration in return?

Yanbu.

Expecting anyone to change their plans for someone at the drop of a hat when it impacts on their plans, unless it is an emergency, is cheeky.

Also- why can’t you have some time to yourself? Being a parent biological or not doesn’t mean you have to be surgically attached to the kids at all times. My dsc are lovely but I’m not going to sit there and watch them play fifa for a couple of hours bored to tears so I can get some sort of imaginary trophy for being a Good Stepmother- same as I’m not going to watch teen titans with my own kids because it drives me up the wall and I’m allowed some time to breathe!

Don’t understand the fuss about bedtime at all- plus I know that my dsc would always prefer their dad to do bedtimes when he’s here, because he’s their dad, no matter how much they like me. When he’s at work, I do it. That’s such a non issue I don’t understand why he’s even raising it.

In an emergency of course I'd understand but the majority of the times it's not been. If we weren't doing anything I wouldn't mind at all but this is literally like, I'm ready about to walk out of the door to a restaurant kind of last minute and yeah it gets annoying when it's happened multiple times.

What are the reasons for being asked to have them in these scenarios?

Is it deliberate on the ex's part?

If it's not an emergency, why are you bring asked to have them when it's not your agreed times?

I think it's really quite odd that your DH often cancels childfree plans with you in order to facilitate his ex when he already has his children 50/50. Yes in an emergency but often enough that you feel you can't make plans on a childfree evening because he might cancel? I understand he wants to see his children as much as possible but he also needs to foster his relationship with his DW...

You know if he actually said 'im knackered tonight would you mind taking the kids up to bed' or whatever I'd be fine, I'd help out.

But it's not that. It's the expectation that I should be doing it of my own accord because I want to because they are my children too and if I don't then I obviously don't care that much about them.

Fwiw, I do 95% of the laundry and tea cooking so it's not as though I say 'ill make my dinner and you can make yours and the kids'.

I think he already has you doing a lot of ‘mum’ stuff, doesn’t he? He’s pushing at the boundaries you are setting up because a) he is probably genuinely confused and b) you’re making it easy for him to do so.

Why can’t he cook for his own kids and do their laundry?

I think you’re saying one thing but doing another, and that’s where this problem is rooted.

I like spending time away from my kids, and I am there mum.

Like others, I wonder if he is wanting you do thing for the kids because he can't be bothered to? If he wants you to put the kids to bed what will he be doing at that time?

Yanbu to not want to be their third parent. Equally he is not bu to want you to be more involved. I think this is something you should have discussed more before you married as it could end up coming in between you.

He’s being an arse.. I’d have been miffed if my sm or sf came to tuck me in, I was there to see my df or with my dm.
Yes there’s times you need to parent together but that’s more of a you don’t decide feck it maccies when dss is throwing a fit cause dp said it’s lasagne not you do it so I don’t need to.

If the plans cancelled thing happens often does he tell his ex when he’s got something on? I’ve met a few arses for women who would intentionally call up with the “flu” etc to cause shit for their ex.. and men who wouldn’t show up knowing that their ex had booked a night out. With some of the plans have you tried saying to dp “great I’ll ring the restaurant and add the dc’s onto the booking” throw it off course don’t let it ruin the night kind of thing.. obviously if you arrive all excited to pick them up rather than a face that’d sour milk if she’s at it intentionally it’ll be less of a win.

I've seen a lot of marriage breakups in the last few years (I'm of that age) and I've witnessed most of those men very swiftly move on to another woman who is then expected to become a mother to his children, when those children already have a mother. He can then get on with his manly man things. Like not looking after his own children.

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