DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

Hmm, I'm wondering if there's an unspoken assumption on his part that adults should "share" the work of parenting, and because his ex isnt present then that means her share falls onto you and you are in some way unfairly skiving off.
He might also feel a bit awkward that he's not spending time with you because he's downstairs with his children when you aren't? Feeling like theres a bit of a "I dont want to spend time with you when THEY'RE there" vibe going on?

The thing is though, he's probably feeling bad about not spending time with you because he IS giving you an unfair amount of short stick. His ex asked him to have them absolutely last minute? Why? What was it that came up at such a last minute that you were heading out the door to dinner and that she couldn't rearrange or ask someone else if he'd said no?
If you are missing out on your plans because someone has asked her out for drinks etc then thats not just him putting his kids first, thats him putting his ex first as well.

Agree with most posts here. He wants you to stay in the room with them to dilute his parenting duties. When you leave, he is on 100% responsibility setting, but if he can make you be there too, he can relax and maybe even blame you if something goes wrong.

Your DH is doing what a lot of separated dads do in expecting to replicate the family set-up he had with his ex i.e.expecting you to slot right into the role she had when they were together, instead of appreciating that he has a new family dynamic now. You are a step parent with different wants and needs around his children compared with their mother. Don't let him guilt trip you.

I'm not suggesting otherwise, I'm only saying they aren't babies and would probably be a bit hmm at me coming up to tuck them in when their dad is downstairs

You mean that he wants to have his kids as often as possible (understandable) but still have someone to do the 'woman work'?

Does he want you there to watch/entertain them? Is he a bit lazy?

I get pissed off if my dinner plans are cancelled because of my kids too. If the babysitter falls through or whatever. There is no difference just because I am mum rather than step mum.

You are entitled to be annoyed and he should have said he was busy/had plans/was heading out the door.

But I also suspect pp's are right. He wants you to be second mum so you can be responsible for all the rubbish parenting tasks, that he doesn't want to do. Bedtimes included. I wonder who does their laundry? If its you OP (and I would suspect it is), then I suggest you remind him of all the little things that you do for his kids.

You sound like a good step mum with appropriate boundaries and who lets the kids get on with being parented by their dad - thats why he has them around in the first place. Don't change a thing - this isn't your problem, it's his.

I dont want to spend time with you when THEY'RE there

As I say, most of the time I'm with them. I guess on the odd occasion I do use the time to do something myself (read for example) because the dynamic is slightly different than when it's just me and DH. Not in a bad way, just I see it sometimes as my opportunity to let them have some time together and do my own thing for a little while.

And FWIW mine are similar ages - I often go upstairs and read a book/listen to music. Thats the joy of them getting older - they don't need constant supervision at 10, nor for you to be in the same room all the time.

I think there are two separate issues here.

WRT putting them to bed etc, I don’t see why you should be the one expected to do this. I don’t necessarily hold by the idea that they’re his kids and as such he should be doing everything, as you live together and it stands to reason that you would presumably spend time as a family of sorts, but equally I don’t think there should be an expectation of you doing things that he is in a position to do. E.g. it wouldn’t be unreasonable of him to want you to drive them to school if he can’t, but as he’s in the house I don’t see why you would be the one expected to put them to bed, iyswim.

WRT feeling that he should refuse to have his children because he has plans I do think YABU. I can see why you feel disappointed as they’re not your kids. But they are his kids, and whether he’s a resident parent or not I wouldn’t expect any parent to say that they can’t look after their own children because they have social plans elsewhere. Having to look after your own children is part and parcel of being a parent...

OP I wonder if your disappointment at cancelling the meal came across (albeit unintentionally) to your DP as you being annoyed at the children rather than the “How typical, the one day we have plans” feeling you say you felt.
Perhaps your DP felt you were cross with him for having an obligation to his children rather than that you were cross with the situation/the ex for not sorting out her own childcare in her contact time?

I think perhaps your DP is always keen yo help out his ex with his children whenever she needs it so that his kids know they are loved and he will always be there for them whereas when you felt that disappointment he took that to mean you wouldn’t be there for the children?

A step parent relationship is always going to be difficult, and the trouble is if they were biologically both your children and something came up that meant you couldn’t go out one evening you’d just have to put up with it. Since they have another parent you shouldn’t really have to give up plans that often in order to look after the children unexpectedly so I can understand why it’s annoying but I can also see why your DP was upset that you felt that way.
It seems like crossed wires over this one thing are perhaps snowballing in his head and he’s finding problems where there really aren’t any, because of course you’re entitled to some alone time whilst the children are there, just as you would be if they were biologically yours too.

I am a bit in two minds here. The thing about not being able to go into another room and read a book etc is him being ridiculous. I am my childrens mother and I still occasionally do that if they are playing with DP in the other room, or watching TV or pretty much doing anything other than yelling for me. It doesn't hurt the DC for any parent to be having a quiet half an hour in another room.

However the odd rules you put in because you aren't their mother seem a bit restrictive. Dp is not my childrens father but in our home it's a family unit , we work as a team. If one has had a long day, or is cleaning up from dinner etc then the other puts them to bed I have to say if DP ever told me he wasn't doing that because he wasn't their father he would be out the door quick sheepish. (I really mean that )

Now to be fair we are the resident family so maybe it differs, but I can't really see how, Dp is called by his first name and DC understand fully he is not their biological father , however it cant be avoided that if you live together you operate as some form of senior figure , it cant be avoided. You don't get to opt in and out when it suits.

You do in fairness sound like you have a good relationship with them but seem very hung up on what is a mothers job and what isn't. Ultimately it's about all adults working together for the childrens best interests (however as above that is not the same thing as being at their back and call all the time)

Where have your fixed ideas about the rules come from?

Ultimately you need to sit and properly discuss this with your DP and figure out a middle ground. Although if you really are resistant to being further involved then honestly maybe a relationship with dsc is not for you?

But they are his kids, and whether he’s a resident parent or not I wouldn’t expect any parent to say that they can’t look after their own children because they have social plans elsewhere. Having to look after your own children is part and parcel of being a parent...

NoRebel why doesn’t this apply to the ex who was supposed to have the children that evening?

But they are his kids, and whether he’s a resident parent or not I wouldn’t expect any parent to say that they can’t look after their own children because they have social plans elsewhere. Having to look after your own children is part and parcel of being a parent...

Sure. But their mum decided she had something else she’d rather do during her scheduled time with her children and assumed their dad would have them so she didn’t have to. Is that more okay than dad saying no, they’re meant to be with you, I have plans?

It sounds to me that he maybe feels he is not getting any "downtime" when his DC are there . As another poster has said .The point is that although they are his biological children ,as a step parent it is nice to be available sometimes to them .The children dont live with you full time so occasionally it would be nice to put them to bed ,read a story /have a chat and so on .My step dad helped me with my homework ,and we would watch TV when my mum went to her evening class .Its just bonding really .

It sounds like he wants you all to be more of a family together and feels like you are distant from the dynamic that he hopes for (not sure whether this what the kids want as well, however!) But family dynamics where both biological parents are still present can vary dramatically in terms of involvement as well. It does seem as if he would like you to be more of a parent and you are resistant to that label.

Of course YANBU. Some people can't read, it seems. Or are bitter first wives, maybe.

I wouldn’t expect any parent to say that they can’t look after their own children because they have social plans elsewhere. Having to look after your own children is part and parcel of being a parent...

this is totally different though isn't it, this is the ex not sorting our her childcare properly and then expecting her ex to pick up the pieces. When you have a formal contact arrangement it should be stuck to unless there is some kind of emergency or you swap days agreeable and well in advance.

You can say "no" to the other parent. Sometimes, when the other parent knows you never say no, they will continue to do this whenever they CBA sorting out alternative childcare. Its not really good for anyone.

What Stormtreader said.

On the wifework and about putting his ex's plans before yours.

As you say, if it's an actual emergency (e.g. their mum has to go to hospital or her parent has a fall) and you need to have the DC, that's one thing, but from your OP, it sounds like she regularly expects you both to drop everything at a moment's notice.

Their DM needs to plan things better and your DH needs to say no if he's already made plans. I get that he would rather see his DC at short notice and be the hero for them, but if he's already made plans with you, he needs to be more aware of how his actions make you feel.

It would be easier for DH if you were as into his DC as he is, because then DH doesn't need to feel guilty for saying that he'd rather see his DC at a moment's notice than have the meal he'd planned to have with you. If you're disappearing upstairs (which is perfectly reasonable IMO) then it undermines DH's fantasy that you're both overjoyed at having to change your plans and drop everything.

I agree with most posters. YANBU. Your DH sounds like he wants you to take over his responsibilities. What absolute bollocks about not being in the same room as the children. They don't need your presence in the room at nearly 10. There's nothing wrong with wanting peace and quiet away from children. Any children. When they are perfectly capable of being on their own.

I've seen a lot of marriage breakups in the last few years (I'm of that age) and I've witnessed most of those men very swiftly move on to another woman who is then expected to become a mother to his children, when those children already have a mother. He can then get on with his manly man things. Like not looking after his own children.

I've also witnessed the men who have again, moved on swiftly, but refused to take responsibility for their own children, instead reproducing quickly with the new partner and deciding that his new family is 'far more important'. Those fathers rarely if ever see their older children (their choice)

It makes me disappointed in men, frankly.

op I’ve only read the first page but yanbu, you’re doing nothing wrong!

however it cant be avoided that if you live together you operate as some form of senior figure , it cant be avoided. You don't get to opt in and out when it suits

what a load of rubbish. I am a "senior figure" in that I am an adult, and my step child is not. But I don't have to put him to bed, and if DP expected me to parent his child, instead of him, when he was present then I would quite happily leave to be honest.

You cannot expect your partner to parent your children when you are "too busy" or simply cant be arsed.

He's annoyed he hasn't been able to pawn off all the women's work to you....so many boring parts of parenthood (like making packed lunches) which he was probably hoping you would take over since you're a woman. It's what most divorced dads do. You may need to reconsider the relationship.

Imo your relaxed structure to ex =take the piss.
Your right to keep a step back to dh = no piss take available from you.
He has to parent when he wants you to allowing him the chance not to...
More rules/schedule for him and ex =you knowing where you all stand.

Hi OP,

I agree 100% with all the smart posters who have realised that he does not want you to get more involved to make you all a family, he wants you to take over the "mother" role in the family when their mother is not there because, lets face it, mother work is dull and drudgery and a pain in the butt.

There is no reason in the world for you to take this upon yourself and any woman on here telling you to get more involved is also being sexist and expecting you to do the "woman's work".

So, YANBU.

And please tell us if you do their laundry.

Yanbu.

I frequently read a book in a different room to my own similarly aged DS while he's minecrafting or what have you. I would have said that was perfectly normal regardless of family set up.