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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ‘mum’ friends are often far more hassle than they’re worth?!

358 replies

Blargon7 · 07/10/2019 10:45

Jeez.

I’ve been dropped by my close ‘mum’ friend from the school, she’s gone from being super keen to not wanting to meet up with me. It really hurts and I don’t know why. She is however still going around with another group of mums, a couple of whom she has moaned about to me on many occasions.

Then there are the other women there. Some I say hi and have a quick chat to but sadly we don’t have much in common and don’t really click, it’s just polite how are your kids doing chat which is fine.

Then there are a lot of mums who have cliques and seem to bully and slag off a bunch of other mums to the point where some mums have stopped coming into the playground and have been reduced to tears.

I just can’t be arsed with this fucking bullshit anymore! Life is too bloody short.

What’s your experience?!

OP posts:
BiBiBirdie · 09/10/2019 09:18

@Nexa I always wonder if the nasty ones were the bullies at school too. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
One took against me as we moved in year, and she asked where we had come from. It's really faux-posh where I am, they think they're posh by association of living in the "Royal Borough" and whilst there are some very well off people here these lot weren't. When I said where we had come from, the alpha-Hun (as DH and I took to calling her) said she detected a different accent on me and DH.
I told her I was from Kent, and DH from South East London. It was like someone stuck a handful of nappy in her face the look of disgust she pulled.
I found out later from another Mum who was ostracized by the hun gang that she referred to me as "That Chav" and made constant remarks that she wouldn't want me in her house as everyone from where I'm from is a Crackhead and would rob her blind.
The sad thing is, her DD is now as bad at secondary school. As a result, she has this tiny group of friends who are scared to walk away, everyone else gives her a wide berth.
These women need to look at how they behave around their children and how they speak about others, because their kids will mimic it and it wont end well.

Vulpine · 09/10/2019 09:18

So if you have good friends who happen to have kids but who go to a different school in perhaps a different part of the country, are they ok? Or is it just women from your kids school?

Phoebesfleas · 09/10/2019 09:18

YANBU! DD went to a tiny village primary, the mums were either super wealthy or farmers wives, I didn’t fit into either category so was pretty much left alone. Said hi to loads of faces but always dashed in and out at drop off and pick up. DS goes to SN school, no opportunity to mix as most kids are on transport.

formerbabe · 09/10/2019 09:26

@Vulpine

What do you honestly suggest someone does if they say good morning to another mum and the other mum doesn't respond and turns their back to them? Does that sound like normal behaviour to you? And no, I've never seen that sort of behaviour outside of the school gate.

FeckOffGraham · 09/10/2019 09:28

So if you have good friends who happen to have kids but who go to a different school in perhaps a different part of the country, are they ok? Or is it just women from your kids school?

Yes, of course! I have lots of friends. Only two close friends have children yet, but the others plan to eventually. They are still my friends, even though they are/ will become mums, but they are not 'mum friends', as I did not meet them through my children.

Longlongsummer · 09/10/2019 09:30

I find it very sad if women behave this way as I hate the ‘women can be bitches’ thing. I have several fantastic female friends and we are not bitches to each other. And look at this thread, full of women who don’t even know the OP but give kindness and advice for free with no expectation of anything for themselves.

I think the only way to help is by refusing to buy into crap behaviour. Calling it out, or just avoiding. Plenty of absolutely fantastic women out there.

I’m now in a rural area and do not fit in, and so don’t have a great group of school mum friends. I couldn’t care less, it’s not my fault some of the women here are more misogynistic than the men. And I have lots of other friends. And even here I’ve got one or two lovely mums that coincidentally my kids are best friends with. Funny that. Grin

Vulpine · 09/10/2019 09:35

Former babe, of course ive come across unfriendly mums, but the majority are nice. One bad experience shouldn't mean they're all bitches

EmeraldShamrock · 09/10/2019 09:41

Some groups at the school are wasp nest, there is always a queen.
Fortunately I learnt from a young age I didn't get into the popular girl groups, I was an ugly duckling in school ATT it was miserable but helped me identify these groups as an adult.
I am always friendly, I tend to chat to those beside me or purposely chat to the shy DM's.
Walk away now it'll save you years of drama.
Keep the faith as there are great friendships formed with similar minded school DM's if you genuinely click.

bonbonours · 09/10/2019 10:42

@divebar
You've got it exactly. I'm sure other people look at my group of friends who chat in the playground and meet up for coffee and go camping together and see us as a 'clique'. We are just a group of people who get on well together. If someone comes and chats to us we would chat to them. Maybe the people who think they are being snubbed are just coming across as uninterested in making friends or unfriendly, so people don't bother talking to them.

lottelupin · 09/10/2019 10:55

Yup. It can be too much pressure, those that don't do much get annoyed when the working ones are stressed and late and can't do coffee after drop off, etc.

I keep my distance unless genuinely click with someone.

Whattodoabout · 09/10/2019 10:58

I generally turn up as the bell goes and hurry them through the doors then leave. The only people I greet are the head/deputy head and caretaker who stand at the main gates greeting everyone. I have never had a ‘Mum friend’ and don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything.

Sagradafamiliar · 09/10/2019 11:06

I've never experienced anything like this and I've got children ranging from high school to nursery.
The grand total of time spent round at the school doing drop off and pick up must be 10 minutes. There literally isn't time. Sure I've had the odd look and probably have been slagged off but other people being dicks isn't my business.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/10/2019 11:20

For some DM's it is 10 minutes, At our school there is a large group of DM's if I pass a half an hour later they are all still chatting.
I might start a coffee van for the school run.

MsTSwift · 09/10/2019 12:49

If someone that didn’t know me was weird enough to be bothered to criticise me I genuinely wouldn’t give two hoots. Probably be quite flattered that I garnered such interest from a stranger! What’s that Oscar Wilde quote “the only thing worse than being talked about behind your back is not being talked about” Grin

formerbabe · 09/10/2019 12:56

@MsTSwift

If someone that didn’t know me was weird enough to be bothered to criticise me I genuinely wouldn’t give two hoots

I agree in theory. I genuinely don't give a flying fuck if anyone likes me or not. But, the problem is it is affecting my DD. So because one mum has taken a dislike to me, her cohort go along with that. My DD is friends with their children but excluded from playdates and parties because one mum took a dislike to me for absolutely no reason.

DoveOfPiss · 09/10/2019 13:56

My youngest DC is now in year 6. I've spent 13 years standing in that playground on and off over that time. There's still days when nobody speaks to me. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Our junior school is a mix of military and civilian parents, some working some not. The non-working yummy mummies all meet up for hunfests regularly, go on holiday together etc, but their kids don't always like each other.
I have three or four good friends whose children are the same age as my older ones, but that's because we have other interests and meet up outside school, other than maybe a quick hi on the way in or out as we collect our littler ones.

I never got involved in any of the cliques when my eldest started school, which led to her not getting invited to parties, sleepovers etc. She wasn't bothered and now has a wider range of friends due to also going to a totally different secondary school to all her peers.
As I was working I didn't have time for the coffee after dropoff etc anyway.

theworstwife · 09/10/2019 14:47

In regular non school playground life I don’t care if someone dislikes me for no reason but when that affects my DC it hurts. Our face doesn’t fit (from the next village and didn’t go to school preschool, I’m also northern in a southern city). I don’t want or need to be in with anyone, don’t need more friends, not into competitive parenting but when my DC is left out even though our children are friends that sucks. The group mentality is awful - just like being bullied and excluded at school. Lots of years of this shit left Wine

Nettie1964 · 09/10/2019 15:37

Just don't get involved breeze in and out as if you couldn't give a fuck. It hasn't changed in 30 years😁I wish women would get a grip and stop being so bitchy. There is no such thing as a sisterhood sorry.

Mimilamore · 09/10/2019 17:38

I work in a school with parents.... keep yourself to yourself is my advice. A good part of my working life is untangling parent fall out/ complaints/ upsets.
Smile and wave and plough your own furrow!!

MsTSwift · 09/10/2019 18:51

Manipulating children’s friendships is the most pointless activity ever anyway. It’s doomed to failure.

ShinyGiratina · 09/10/2019 23:10

I started hanging around the playground late due to work, so it was the start of y1 and the mums from DS1's year group were well bonded since nursery. I have found that both DCs have gravitated towards other children who did not go to the school nursery as those bonds were well cemented by yR and fed out of school (small school, local catchment)

I find one year group has more defined clusters of friends than the other. I wouldn't use the word clique though, that suggests something intentionally exclusionary which isn't the case here although it is a phenonemen that exists. I'm happy in my own company but can chat with a variety of people and do frequently chat superficially with mums from a variety of year groups not just limited to the ones my DCs are in. I also do community volunteering so encounter a broader range through that.

My true soul friends have always been made through activities. I seem to struggle to form bonds through being in the same place at the same time, such as work or the playground. I'm comfortable in my own skin, but hard to pigeonhole and I think other people can find it hard to work me out.

I haven't formed any close friends through being a mum. Fortunately some existing friends did have children around the same time.

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 07:40

ShinyGiratina

That's a very narrow definition you have imho, of the word 'clique', which really just means a group of people who do not readily welcome others to join them. Nothing at all to do with intent.

MsTSwift · 10/10/2019 07:58

I guess Colleen Rooney and the other one are work colleague friends and that’s not working out so well is it ?!

FeckOffGraham · 10/10/2019 08:08

Ooooh I heard that on the radio TSwift! She's denying it...awkward.

lottelupin · 10/10/2019 08:26

Quite right though that Coleen should have called the other one on it before making it public. Seems an aggressive move on the part of C. Always best to double-check facts before publishing in Daily Mail!! 😬

But yes. That spat is the perfect example of friendships at the school gate gone wrong ...