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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!

239 replies

Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 05:40

New account as I couldn’t figure out how to name change!
Not been married that long, had to log in to my not so DH’s email (not snooping I know the password and was checking an email about insurance which he knew I was doing at some point over this weekend) there was an email with the kind of title you don’t ignore, find out that he joined a hook up site a few days ago.
I’m strangely calm, there is no going back from this, it’s not something I imagined he would do but I suppose we never know anyone do we, our marriage is over. He doesn’t know I know at this point, he was asleep and I wanted to plan my next move, not wake him up and have a terrible argument in the middle of the night.
My AIBU is ....
Would throwing him out as soon as the kids have gone to school with a bag of clothes and nothing else be unreasonable?
What’s the etiquette for finding out a wanker has joined a hook up site (of course I logged in to it straight from his email), he has received messages but not sent any. Are you supposed to reasonably discuss the situation and let them have time to find somewhere else to live? Or am I being completely reasonable by at least giving him the opportunity to pack a bag?

OP posts:
Shadenevermadeanybodylessgay · 07/10/2019 12:25

You are incredibly strong, OP.
I'm proud!!

YANBU kicking him straight out. I haven't rtft but I'd let him get his stuff (what he doesn't take now, put outside the door for him to collect later) and that way he won't be back trying to get you to let him in 🙄

T1gerEye · 07/10/2019 12:37

Good luck OP. You sound like a woman who knows her worth and I admire your stance on this.

And I know I shouldn't have laughed at this but I did. I'm sorry flip flop but it IS quite lol worthy

Cut to next week where Flipflop's DH was NOT cheating, he was just showing his mate how to shag the local barmaid.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 07/10/2019 12:39

Sorry OP. I hope he's either got a fantastic explanation or he's gone without a fuss.

BottleBeach · 07/10/2019 12:46

@NcNcNcNcNcNcNc - did you manage to find Lewis Capaldi’s profile? Because I didn’t think Tinder works like that.

Also, is it possible you were looking for this advert for his album?

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!
cacklingmags · 07/10/2019 12:57

Good luck OP. Carry on trusting yourself on this and kick his cheating arse down the street.

Cleverplayonwords · 07/10/2019 13:09

My husband was found on Tinder by work collegue many years ago. Turns out he was showing his mate how to create a profile on it and hadn't taken it down.

That old chestnut. Seriously, if your husband was showing his pal how to make a profile why would he use his own name and photo? Why not the persons who wanted the profile in the first place?
Don't be stupid.

Cleverplayonwords · 07/10/2019 13:09

My husband was found on Tinder by work collegue many years ago. Turns out he was showing his mate how to create a profile on it and hadn't taken it down.

That old chestnut. Seriously, if your husband was showing his pal how to make a profile why would he use his own name and photo? Why not the persons who wanted the profile in the first place?
Don't be stupid.

ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia · 07/10/2019 13:19

Good luck OP Flowers

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/10/2019 13:21

If I was OP's technophobe DH and found out I'd been hacked and signed up to a dating (or any other) site I'd be panicking what else had been hacked and asking OP for help. He's had the whole weekend and not said a thing.

I do also wonder about the kind of criminal who would take time to set up a dating profile with all the correct personal details rather than simply use that info to set up an account to buy stuff.

SeeSpotRun · 07/10/2019 13:22

Whilst there is a very strong, almost definite, chance that you are correct in thinking your (D)H is in the wrong, what you did - saw an email, opened it, and then clicked on a link in it - is exactly how phishing emails work.
The fact that you entered his normal password just means you have potentially provided the phishing site with his password and email address combination.

FizzyIce · 07/10/2019 13:24

Yeah .. and then found his profile and all of his correct details ..
if they have those on the “phishing” site already they didn’t need to phish for anything as it was all there !

LadyAndiBella · 07/10/2019 13:28

@FlipFlopChipShop you actually believe that?? GrinGrin

LittlefairyMum · 07/10/2019 13:42

Good luck with your chat OP Thanks

SeeSpotRun · 07/10/2019 13:46

@FizzyIce which is why I said its almost definite that OP is correct, however, OP only mentions DOB and area they live in. DOB is the potentially damning one, because the area they live in can come straight from the IP address used to connect to the site.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 07/10/2019 13:51

You sound amazing, so calm and so strong.

CareBear50 · 07/10/2019 13:51

One of his mates could have done this for a laugh!!!!

So I would hold fire OP

Now....if he verified the account and starts messaging then that is a different story!

Johnjoeseph · 07/10/2019 13:58

I admire your stance OP. However if your DH was a true technophobe you'd imagine he wouldn't know the first thing about setting up a tinder account. And if he's able to set up an account he's surely wise enough to know he'll be receiving emails?

Just seems bizarre that he would be so blasé about you accessing his emails the day after he's set up a tinder account? Unless like you said, he wanted you to find it?

I feel bad for flipflop there's no need for people to be quite so mean about her situation. Although sadly I do agree that her husband has been deceitful.

Joey7t8 · 07/10/2019 14:09

I agree with the poster above that this may have been a potential phishing email that the OP has responded to. There’s so much money at stake that hackers have become incredibly sophisticated and devious in getting people to enter their username and password combinations into legit looking but dodgy websites.

What also makes me think that there must be more to it is that if you were going to subscribe to such a site, you wouldn’t be daft enough to use your main email address that your partner knew the password to, or use a username and password that he/she also knew well, would you?

thisisasoloflight · 07/10/2019 14:21

I sincerely hope OP hasn't updated because she's waiting for her teens to come back from school to 'fess up.

Please let my theory be true.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2019 14:39

Those saying his mates could've done this for a laugh... Who the hell would want a man who had friends like that?

Cherrypicker01 · 07/10/2019 14:40

You need to change his profile pic on the site and put a really sleezy description of himself. Serves him right!

monkeymonkey2010 · 07/10/2019 14:51

Maybe it’s harsh but as far as I’m concerned a person who would do this is not one worth fighting for
Not harsh at all.
You are absolutely correct....and he did it despite being a 'newly wed'.
I guess he thought "right, now i've got her and my hands on her money/assets i can do as i please behind her back"

Fillybuster · 07/10/2019 15:01

Have you spoken to him yet, OP?

pooopypants · 07/10/2019 15:07

Can I assume that the OP is currently laying her new patio?

thisisasoloflight · 07/10/2019 15:07
Grin