5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

Oh my goodness that is crushing. You poor thing. WHY do people do this?? I have primary dc... whole class does whole class parties by clubbing parents together (so 3 or 4 kids have party together and invite everyone), I can’t imagine the outrage if someone wasn’t invited, it would be awful!

You mentioned that this happened before... but are there some parties he’s invited too?

To not too.

Yes, he has been to a couple this year and all was well and good there. He was so happy when he got the invites. Before this year he was only ever invited to family parties so it's very exciting for him and he's happy that children like him. He does get emotional and worries that they don't now and again (though I'm sure a lot of children do that). Our 2019 birthday was also a whole class party so I don't think I have offended any of them or that we have done anything, I hope not. I really can't understand why a parent would do this to another child unless there was a serious issue between the children or violence etc.

Try to feel better. Whole class invites stop quite soon after yr 1. As for Facebook maybe just log out for a while, everything feels worse when it's constantly in front of you but by 0945 in the class it will be old news and never discussed again.

When you say he’s perceived as naughty what does he do? Is he violent?

You must be so upset. I am not sure what to advise but I do think the parents are out of order to leave one child out. My DD wanted to and I said you invite everyone or just a few but you can't leave one person out it's unkind. Are you absolutely sure you didn't miss the invite? Again my DD didn't go to one but I am not sure if she wasn't invited or didn't bring the invite home. With my DD it could have been either. The only reason I found out at all was another parent mentioned it. I didn't say anything mainly because DD didn't seem aware but it did upset me to think she may have been deliberately excluded. Is there a parent you could sound out? Say something like, I didn't realise it was so and so birthday, I think DC lost the invite, I feel bad not turning up, was everyone invited? See what response you get. Then you may get an idea if it was on purpose or not.

This is such a shitty thing to do.

You’ll get some assholes come in and go “oh my child can invite whoever he likes!” Or “my child doesn’t like your child and has no obligation to invite him!” Blah blah blah. But the bottom line is it’s a shitty thing to do.

I’m so sorry OP. Those parents should be ashamed of themselves. You do not leave out just one child.

OP reading your thread has reminded me of when I was a little girl at primary school. I was in year 2 and all the girls in my class got invited to a birthday party at Mcdonalds. I was the only one left out and I felt crushed at the time. Especially when all my friends talked about it the day after. I'm not saying this to upset you but it is one of my most vivid memories as a child. He will be upset but there is a lesson in this for both of you. Lots of hugs.

Horrible nasty clique bullying disablist twats.
The parents of course not the kids. Oh and exclusion is bullying.
It’s either all the class.
Just the boys.
Just the girl
Half the girls
Half the class with a mixture of boys and girls.

Just the girls not half the girls

That is absolutely horrendous and I would have no issue asking the patents why they’d excluded my child, and bringing it up with the teacher. It’s is not child led to exclude one single child, it’s the parents.

My son is in year 3 now and I know would probably ideally like to invite 25 it of his class of 30 to his birthday. Of course he won’t be allowed to do this and can invite a maximum of 13 and it must be a mix of sexes. End of.

No never violent Teddy, he just moves around a lot, fiddles, gets up and walks around when they’re supposed to be sat at their desks. He is academically great but he just can’t sit still he gets so bored when the work isn’t challenging him that he physically can’t. He doesn’t even sit still when he’s eating. He has to be moving constantly, he sprawls, he stands then sits etc. He does shout out in class but not rudely, like his brain goes so fast he forgets he needs to put his hand up. Whereas this is the case every so often with younger children, it’s 24/7 and has always been like this with my boy. It distracts the other children sometimes at which point the behaviour is managed but he has never hurt anyone else. Due to that some of the kids see him as naughty, as they know they’re meant to be sat down, listening, focusing. Obviously they’re not old enough to know that he has adhd and it’s an actual condition.

I’m 1000% sure I didn’t miss the invite. I check his bag every day as we have a school-home book where we can write anything that may be helpful about behaviours today and pass it back.

I feel like a dick asking because of the whole ‘you’re not entitled to be invited’ thing. I know that.. but it still hurts. I could never do this to another child especially when I know they consider my child their best friend (if that makes sense).
Sorry if I don’t reply I’m dropping off as I type!

Excluding a single child is unforgivable imo. I don't know how any parent can do this.

I would be inclined to say "happy birthday to X" to the mums and make a reference to seeing the photos on FB. Ask about the cake or something. If there was an invite that got lost it would give them a chance to say "I assumed you couldn't make it" or whatever, without you having to ask a direct question.

Invitations getting lost en route is a thing, it's genuinely happened a couple of times to us. You can't really know she must have chased up non-responders. Break the ice in some way so that this doesn't become the elephant in the room.

I'm really struggling with similar worries (5yo ADHD), just offering a hand hold for now

@HotChocWithCream. So you’re a Teacher who thinks bullying is okay. I find that very very worrying. I’m sorry but It’s how I’m reading it.

That’s a really evil thing to do. Those parents knew what they were doing, it’s spiteful and nasty. I wouldn’t say anything to them, but I wouldn’t be overly friendly with them either. How would they like it if that was their child? Total lack of empathy. Like PPs have said though - it’ll soon be forgotten about and whole class parties don’t tend to go on for long. Hope your DS is ok, bless him.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider that is NOT what I was saying at all. You've somehow managed to miss the entire point of my comment.

I'll reword it for you.....

Imagine your precious child "X" comes home DAY AFTER DAY complaining that another child kept shouting out throughout the day making it difficult for them to understand the lesson/directions. Said child shouted in their face that they were "A STUPID IDIOT!" At one stage the lesson had to be abandoned as said child repeatedly banged their head off the table.

Are you honestly telling me you'd feel predisposed to inviting them to your child's party?

I can't believe a teacher is condoning a child being left out. Fair enough the child could be disruptive in a classroom setting but we are talking about a birthday arty here. A party where only one hold was excluded, how can this be justified?

By the way, HotChocWithCream, in your experience can a child with ADHD be appropriately supported (ie with TA, sensory breaks etc) within a mainstream classroom? Or is this disability just too disruptive and problematic for integration?

• party
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Sorry, I'm falling asleep!

@Neome thank you for asking a question and not automatically jumping on the bandwagon ready to lynch me for "condoning " bullying which obviously I'm not. I was simply trying to put forward parents' POV from my own personal experience.

To answer your question, it's not that clear cut. Children with ADHD vary wildly just as those with ASD do.

I've taught children with ADHD whom, with some specialist support, can integrate and thrive in a mainstream provision. I've taught others whom even with specialist one on one support in class struggled significantly and would be better placed in a specialist unit.