5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

I would strongly advise against speaking to the party mums about this. What sort of outcome do you think you will get which will make the situation better?

Those parents are a Shower of cunts! This needs addressed by school re invites being handed out in class but excluding one child. So angry on your behalf op

Mum wasn’t handing them out at home time, they actually came out of class with them so they’d obviously been given out in there

TBH I can't imagine a teacher colluding with the parents in excluding your son. If the invites were handed out in class I think it's more likely just a mistake. Regardless of whether it was or wasn't the fact the invites were handed out in class means you really should take it up with the school properly. They have fucked up massively if they have allowed this to happen. Your son could have been absolutely devastated by being excluded.

My kids schools were happy to hand out invites but only if it were full class or just all the boys or just all the girls.

I would strongly advise against speaking to the party mums about this. What sort of outcome do you think you will get which will make the situation better?

Is that because you wouldn't want to be pulled personally?

Personally sometimes looking like a twat in front of everyone can make changes in themselves.

OP go and have a word with the school about invites and ask if there's any more discreet way of them being handed out while your bairns there. This is going to keep happening.

Hang on. The op says her son doesn't know about the party yet, so I am no sure they can have been given out in school? Otherwise he would realise all the other children were invited???

The reason I think you should not approach the party mum is that she will think you are a cf who demands your child is invited to parties. At worst she will tell you why she didn't want your kid there which will be very hurtful. In any event I think this will further alienate you and your child.

No people being confronted tend to get defensive and are more likely to exclude you in the future.

@Tvstar

The op says her son doesn't know about the party yet

Where does she say this?

I would say something to the mum and the teacher. Handing out invites in the classroom is beyond cruel. It might not achieve anything except make the parent aware that OP knows what she has done, but it’s something.

@mephisto she says in her opening post

There is a second party tvstar and invites were handed out at school.

I'd also agree with speaking to the teacher, rather than parents. Only because although the same parents might be happy to share their shitty mindsets online, face to face they're unlikely to admit it's because they are cunts, so you'll just receive a load of bullshit excuses, and no satisfaction.

Plus it's possible that in a few of the cases it's been more than your ds left out. Could be with the most recent one that it's not all at all, or at the least a few others might have received the same unforgivable treatment.

That is so shit OP, and YADNBU.

I feel so sorry for your poor little boy. I'm a teacher myself (and mum of two - dd7 & ds5) and I don't allow the children in my class to hand their invites out in the classroom as I have previously watched other children be excluded and have seen the impact that can have on a child.

I would speak to the SENCO? Maybe talk to the teacher about allowing invitations to be given out during class time where he can be aware of not being invited. It doesn't make the situation any better but at least he doesn't have to witness everyone else receiving theirs.

In terms of speaking to the parents, this may help - maybe say that he was a little upset that he wasn't invited to the party and would have really liked to have gone? Especially as all his other friends went..

Heartbroken for you both honestly.. 😢

I’m appalled by this, both as a parent and a teacher. It is absolutely incredible that anyone would think it’s okay to exclude one child. We’ve invited plenty of children with SEN to parties in the past, including some with potentially tricky behaviour and it has always been fine. It’s worth talking to the teacher just in case he’s leaving his invites at school or something. But if he is definitely being excluded it’s going to be hard for the teacher to intervene. I’m not quite sure what I would do in that situation as clearly the children have already been spoken to about inclusion. Perhaps a letter saying to parents that invites are no longer permitted in school to avoid upset? I don’t know

Another one ☹️. I agree with having a word with his teacher.

People may not be inclusive but school should not be colluding with this.

I’m so sorry. I have twins who are both autistic, one has other disabilities too. They are only 3 at the moment. They’ve been at nursery since January, no parties but my boys have no concept of friends let alone parties. I do worry what will happen when they’re older.

I have a lovely group of twin mum friends and we all go to each other’s birthday parties. I’m not sure whether that will last as they grow up.

What I can’t understand is why they have been so blasé about it. I had to not invite one family to our recent birthday party for complicated issues involving the father being violent and angry with me. If we’d invited them he definitely would have been there. I don’t have much contact with her now anyway but I made sure none of the photos etc would have showed up for her on Facebook. I don’t want to make things any worse than they are. I don’t know why someone who speaks to you on friendly terms would be so nasty.

I would talk to them. At the least they can stop doing things to rub your nose in it.

Has your son had any OT involvement? There might be lots of aids that could help him in the classroom (wobble cushions, bands on his chair legs etc). I hope things settle down for him and for you.

@Tvstar

Oh my goodness, are you actually saying that it’s ok to leave one child out of a class party??! That is absolutely hellish for an adult to say. Quite shocking and probably borderline bullying.