5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

It's a choice, isn't it? If you can't handle a disabled child at your child's party, then you dont have a whole class (minus one) party, you have a more select party with lots of children not invited. Unless you're a cunt.

HotChocWithCream yes, if every other child was invited the. I would absolutely invite that child. I would ask the parent to stay. It is our job as parents (and educators although you seem to have a serious lack of understanding of bullying and inclusion for a teacher) to teach our children about inclusion. Your attitude is appalling. Furthermore, the OP has made it clear that their Dc does not behave in any aggressive manner. Don't second guess them. Take it as it is written. The dc is not abusive or violent or aggressive.

I’m sorry this has happened and will cause your son pain, I’d say try and take the high road and just ask at the school run out of ear shot of your “did the boys have a nice birthday party?” And hopefully that will be enough to get your point across without looking demanding.

People need to seriously lay off HotChoc - she is not condoning anything.

She is simply telling people what life can be like in a classroom with a disruptive child.

She has neither done, nor said, anything wrong.

Given your DS hasn’t been unkind to the party children or been physical with other children in the class I do think it’s very mean spirited to exclude him.

I would keep him off school today and arrange a meeting with his teacher for advice on how to deal with this. Maybe she can shed some light on it.
I would absolutely bring it up with the parent as well

There is no excuse. Even if he disrupts the class, that does not mean he would be a problem at a birthday party where his mum would be present to keep an eye. They are arses OP. I am by the way also a teacher who has been worn out by children with all sorts of SN and have a child with sn myself. Many of the children I have taught with adhd are very popular with their peers so it is unlikely to be the child themselves who didn't invite him especially at this age. I would make a point of mentioning the birthday by saying I saw all the lovely photos of X's birthday on facebook. Looks like the class had a great time and stay silent. If she doesn't feel like shit, she should do.

I really don't understand the issue with HotChoc's comment. She only tried to explain how it might be from the parents' view point. Nothing more and nothing less. Why is everyone so argumentative?

I would keep him off school today and arrange a meeting with his teacher for advice on how to deal with this.

That's going to confuse him surely? He doesn't know about the party yet, so he is going to want to know why he isn't going in.

finn1020. What if your child's best friend was badly behaved?

Are you sure there isn't more to this? I'm not saying this is the case buy we had a boy in my youngest daughter's class who we excluded as he was frankly evil to my daughter. The rest of the class were invited but whether a child or not and whether he had s reason or not there is no way I would have invited him to her parties. It's her party and her feelings come first

Sounds like it was all about your feelings and some pay back on the kid. I hope you enjoyed that feeling of deliberate exclusion.

Same depressing posts on this thread again I see.

OP, unfortunately this will happen right the way through primary. He will develop a thicker skin but it'll be you who feels it the most. I'd distance myself from the 2 faced mother's though.

When my DS was in year 3 I took him bowling for his birthday with his sister and my mum. We were put on a lane adjoining the birthday party of a boy in his class that he hadn't been invited to.

I would speak to the child's teacher (at an arranged meeting) and ask 'warts and all' about your child's reputation in the classroom and whether they are surprised by his lack of invite. They may be able to shed some light on something- they may even suddenly realise that they kept your child's invite to give to him when he was absent but forgot! Then approach the birthday party parents.
However, although you have every right to speak to the teacher about your own child, you should not start including the school in something that is outside of school and therefore beyond their control. The fact your son has be excluded from a birthday party, although sad, has nothing to do with them and demanding, as someone suggested, 'a plan be put in place' is quite frankly absurd. This is one that you need to tackle on your own I'm afraid.

I'm sorry to hear this op, I think it's, quite simply, wrong to exclude 1 child. Either have a smaller party or invite the whole class. I'm sure if it happened to their child they too would be devastated so there's a healthy dose of hypocrisy too.
In the past I've had to invite a child to my DS party who had been bullying him for a term because I refused to leave out just 1 child. DS didn't want him there, but actually it worked out really well. The child loved the party and played nicely, subsequently he was much nicer to DS and they even play together sometimes at school now. I like to think that by teaching your child to be inclusive and to forgive you are setting them up for a far happier future. Parents that deliberately exclude other children for any reason are fuelling pettiness and vindictiveness and acting like bullies themselves. Such a shame grown ups act like this, I would minimise this as much as possible to your DS if I were you, and be cordial to the other parents but don't feed the drama by asking about it. If they're as immature as their behaviour suggests, anything you say to them will be round the playground in 5 seconds flat with their own spin on it.

A lot of this is about education and perception. DS1 has combined type ADHD. He has never been a behaviour issue at school as it generally manifests as an inability to focus and primary school had strategies in place.
He's now in S1 (Scotland) and academically things are great. Socially, not so much. We spent a lot of his primary career supporting him when not invited to parties etc.
I agree with a PP who remarked that young people with ASN have more than enough opportunities to develop resilience.
People still make so many assumptions about neurological disorders. It's very disappointing.

@HotChocWithCream absolutely appreciate your perspective on this issue. You clearly speak from experience and I think the way posters have immediately jumped upon and deliberately misinterpreted and twisted your posts is a disgrace.

So blooming cruel - there's no excuse for that sort of behaviour, especially if they knew that you would stay at the party. I hope he doesn't get too upset by the talk at school today :(

My nephew is 7 and he gets excluded a lot from parties etc because he has a severe but allergy. He never gets invited to play dates to friends houses because the parents don't feel they would k ow hiw to react if he needed his epi-pen etc.

People can choose who they want to attend their party. You can't force people to include your child. Making an issue of it with the school and the parents won't change anything, it will just make things uncomfortable for everyone, including the OP and is unlikely to increase invitations in the future.

@hotchocolatewithcream
I have a child with ADHD and I tend to agree with much of what you are saying. I’m actually not sure that inclusion for 100% of the time is always the best thing. Other kids do get disrupted and in some ways, we’ve got to acknowledge this. For me the impact on all children must be acknowledged. And on birthdays, I can quite see that the kid in question may have said that they don’t want the boy there. Kids do notice and are affected.

That said, if I was the parent I don’t think that I would invite everyone and not the OPs boy. But I would respect the fact that my child just wouldn’t want to have the boy too. My ADHD son was sometimes not invited to parties, but at the same time at his party there were two boys he felt uncomfortable inviting, so we didn’t. One was very clingy and the other was quite aggressive and they would have completely changed the dynamics. I did feel that part of my job as a parent was to put across to my child that they could decide and choose friends, to protect themselves and their own personalities. I think it’s also quite damaging to tell a child that they cannot assert any boundaries and have to include no matter what.

On the other hand I totally get the need to educate and help our children know the difference between protecting themselves emotionally and physically, and excluding just because of fear of difference or disability. It’s a tough one but important.

If I were you OP I think that you have to look a little at why your son would not be invited before you can just attack the parent in question. There has to be some acknowledgement I think in your corner. If I were you I’d be getting more of a sense of how your son is affecting the other kids. And then working to build up play dates with other parents, get involved in school activities etc. work your way in. I’m not saying that this isn’t upsetting but you have to remove your upset and focus on your kid and what he needs over the next year or so. Also, make sure you have your own birthday party and invite them!

@HotChocWithCream absolutely appreciate your perspective on this issue. You clearly speak from experience and I think the way posters have immediately jumped upon and deliberately
misinterpreted and twisted your posts is a disgrace

I didn't jump on it but I picked up the same tone as other posters did. Maybe it's the way they're written.

See it doesn't matter the party parents point of view. It's a shitty thing to do to a child. Either invite them or have a smaller party. Makes you look less of a dick.

If it's any consolation: my DC had a boy with ADHD in her class - he used to lick kids, lick trees, throw things through the classroom, hit my DC on the head with exercise books (I was there when it happened), hit my DC in the face, switch the lights on/off, sit under the table, stand on his chair, talk through lessons, grab someone's workbooks and throw them in the hallway, hit kids with bags. So, yes, very disruptive.But he had a TA who was his go-to person. Also, even though he was hurting kids in his class, his classmates knew that he was the way he was, and tried to solve the issues that arose themselves. Not by hitting back or replicating his actions, but simply by telling him to stop and getting the teacher involved.
Whenever he was on a playdate, he was kind, patient, lovely and at parties, he was happy and no trouble at all.
Eventually, he left school as his parents moved house.
But, what I am trying to say is, there shouldn't have been a reason to exclude him from parties, it's rude, crushing and isolating him.
Kids need to learn to deal with all walks of society, but that needs to start with the parents first.

It’s unbelievably cruel to leave just one out. Even if he is disruptive it’d hardly be noticed at a noisy party. Children have to learn to be tolerant of any child who might be slightly different to them. Just horrible, your poor little boy.

As a teacher I think you need to consider the other side of this........just one child with ADHD can have a MASSIVE impact on the rest of the class.

That really feels like blaming the child, not the way the school is organising extra support Hotchocwithcream. Besides, I think there is a difference between the classroom and a party. 5adhdparty made it clear she would have expected to stay at the party and the other parents just needed to check that she would be around in case she was needed so it is not like teaching a large class where there are several children with additional needs and not enough teaching support.

I think the idea of explaining what has happened and approaching the teacher for advice is good. Are there any activities your son could go to where he might meet other children? It sounds as if he is sociable and enjoys activities?

Unfortunately OP this is what school will be like. Posters will make excuses saying that perhaps your child is violent and their child is scared of them but it's bullshit. They are scared of disability and, as one poster said, worried their child will catch 'bad behaviour' from yours.

@BarbariansMum said it best: "It's a choice, isn't it? If you can't handle a disabled child at your child's party, then you dont have a whole class (minus one) party, you have a more select party with lots of children not invited. Unless you're a cunt."

I would recommend you seek out other parents with children with additional needs otherwise the next few years might be very lonely for both of you.

just one child with ADHD can have a MASSIVE impact on the rest of the class. Classmates can suffer violent outbursts, constant shouting out/disruptive behaviour, verbal abuse, lack of support from their teacher (who is CONSTANTLY dealing with said child) etc

I'm really sad for your little boy op, and absolutely sympathise, but I have to agree with the above. We ended up moving one of our dc to a different school because of the impact of two highly disruptive dc in their Yr1 class. My dc would have been very upset to have these children at a birthday party. That said, in these circumstances it is completely inappropriate to have a whole class party. Either exclude several or exclude none.