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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5yo only child not invited to party

342 replies

5adhdparty · 06/10/2019 23:50

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

OP posts:
Original poster
5adhdparty · 09/10/2019 23:07

You've totally confused me NotGreen Confused

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TrainspottingWelsh · 09/10/2019 23:16

Look on the bright side op, at least you know which parents are ignorant wankers. There's never any excuse for leaving out one child. Even if a child has such complex needs that you know beyond all doubt they will behave violently at some point, the solution is 'how do we minimise the likelihood, and how do we ensure it's an adult in the firing line'. Or even let's have a smaller party. Not fuck it, just exclude then. Especially when you're making assumptions about the child's behaviour.

They're ignorant in every sense of the word. I'd be a multi millionaire if I had a pound for every time someone has expressed surprise that I have adhd. Y'know with me not running round hitting people with chairs, bullying, screaming, smashing things 24/7, not having done so as a child and not being completely incapable of my job, being a normal member of society and so forth.

Many people, as evidenced by this thread, have no idea what adhd actually is, other than the stereotype of naughty boy syndrome. No fucking clue about the different way our brains work, so in a wanky attempt to appear as if they know anything about the subject, they immediately jump to the conclusion adhd is basically being energetically violent.

Obviously when your son is my age, he'll be able to understand that some nt brains are so dull and plodding they can't process too much information at once, let alone alongside basic human consideration, and as a result can behave in a shitty way. So we should be willing to make allowances for them and try and be inclusive of those sorts of nt people. It's not their fault they are at the far end of the nt spectrum and can't think or behave in a decent way. 364 days a year I just think awe, bless their uninformed slow motion minds and try and be understanding of their limitations.

jennymanara · 09/10/2019 23:37

I do not assume a child with ADHD is violent.
But -

"Even if a child has such complex needs that you know beyond all doubt they will behave violently at some point, the solution is 'how do we minimise the likelihood, and how do we ensure it's an adult in the firing line'."

No I am not doing that. Kids parties are bloody hard work and stressful. I would rather just not organise a party at all than have a child there who will behave violently.

jennymanara · 09/10/2019 23:41

In terms of play dates, etc, when kids are young enough that parents have to stay, I have kids over that I can chat to their parents okay. After that I let my kids decide who they had over. It was their choice, not mine. It is not my role to make sure that every child in the class came over for a play date. The kids that came over were already friends at school.

TrainspottingWelsh · 09/10/2019 23:46

That's great jenny well done. Personally I would find living with the fact I'd behaved like a twat highly stressful, so would simply have a quick chat with the parent about how we could solve it. Strangely enough the dc with complex needs that fit that description don't usually have parents that drop and run. And ime, the child that is hardest work and the one that upsets other children is usually a spoilt nt pfb. The type that's never been taught to consider other dc or their feelings.

TrainspottingWelsh · 09/10/2019 23:48

Cross post, I'm not saying everyone in the class should be invited for an individual play date, just all inclusive parties should include everyone.

Charmatt · 10/10/2019 00:04

My son has a learning disability and was often left out of parties. The first few times it did upset me but I quickly realised that I didn't want him to be included out of pity or a sense of duty. He should receive an invite because they wanted him to be there.

If my son didn't get an invite, it was their loss and not his. We spent this time doing what he wanted instead.

The friends that did invite were jusr that - friends - not people he just happened to be in the same class with!

A few years later, one of the children was diagnosed with ADHD and was shunned by some families. His mother apologise to me in case I felt that she had excluded my son and that their experience had taught her a lot. I was gracious but could help wishing I believed in karma....

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 10/10/2019 00:21

My god Tvstar, could you be any nastier?! Seriously, people like you make me despair.
You don't have to invite everyone, but it is NEVER ok to leave one child out. What you said cannot be justified.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 10/10/2019 00:22

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Tvstar · 10/10/2019 08:15

Thierryhenryneedisaymore reported

Tvstar · 10/10/2019 08:19

It is fine to invite who your child wants on their birthday. I don't get why some people have such a hard time comprehending that. Do you invite people you dislike to do stuff with you?

gamerchick · 10/10/2019 08:44

Don't feed it people.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 10/10/2019 10:15

Tvstar
It is not fine to leave one child out. It is incredible that an adult believes this is ok behaviour.
It is downright nasty. As another poster said, it's no wonder some children struggle so much when they are ostracised like this.
Pick a different way to do your party. It really would not be a difficult thing to do- in the interests of decency so that you don't leave out one child.
What message does that send as regarfs tolerance and inclusion?

Witchinaditch · 10/10/2019 10:18

@Tvstar it’s fine when it’s not a whole class party. How can you not see that is mean and wrong. How would you feel if your child was the only one not invited to a class party.

Tvstar · 10/10/2019 10:50

I will agree with you it absolutely sucks for the child left out. But at the end of the day it's up to the child whose party it is and the parents who are paying. Their priority is their own childand his happiness on his birthday . The fact that this seems to have happened more than once to your child suggests there may be good reason
I would also like to pick up on a point you made in your opening post. The teachers could distinguish between his naughtiness and behaviour caused by his condition. This implies that he is naughty ontop of his adhd?

Tvstar · 10/10/2019 11:10

Can I ask a question to put this onto perspective.
If the school puts on a residential trip for the whole year, and one child can't afford to go, is the school in the wrong?

Mrsfrumble · 10/10/2019 13:48

If the school hasn’t made provision to subsidise that pupil, yes!

Original poster
5adhdparty · 10/10/2019 15:25

I've just been to pick up for our special afternoon. Got there early so we could get straight off. Another girls invites went out today. I've literally just watched every kid but mine come out with an invite. Book bag check and asking dc confirms he hasn't got one. This feels like some kind of storyline? I feel sick.

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Original poster
5adhdparty · 10/10/2019 15:38

Just read all the updates. Tvstar, occasionally naughty/cheeky but just like every other kid can be, nothing out of the ordinary.

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Original poster
5adhdparty · 10/10/2019 15:41

Pressed post too soon. Erm, having a disability and being discriminated against due to it is totally different to not being able to afford a school trip... unless you're suggesting such expensive trips are planned specifically in order to exclude children from low income families? I assume not. In that case, there are actually things in place to help low income families afford them.

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SunniDay · 10/10/2019 15:57

Hi OP,
I noticed in one of your posts you said that your son thought these kids were good friends/asks to invite them to tea. I think if you could have a kid to tea/ trip out etc a few times and could support your son to strengthen these friendships then it might really help his relationships in school.

pallisers · 10/10/2019 16:03

But at the end of the day it's up to the child whose party it is and the parents who are paying. Their priority is their own childand his happiness on his birthday

Maybe that is your priority. My priority is to teach my children how to be kind decent members of society - on their birthday as on every other day. There is no need to invite a child you don't like to your birthday party. But if you invite every other child in the class except that child you are not being kind or decent and I think very ill of a parent who would allow this - even on a birthday. You invite fewer kids.

Paddingtonthebear · 10/10/2019 16:17

I think I would talk to the class teacher about this. You can’t do anything about the parents attitudes but the teacher could talk to the children as a whole class about general kindness to others , friendships and being inclusive and not making people feel sad and left out.

It’s utterly shitty to see your child come home empty handed when everyone else gets an invitation. If this is the second time I would mention to the teacher, perhaps the school needs to stop letting these invitations be handed out in class when it’s obvious someone is being excluded.

Yes you could invite children round to play to try and encourage friendships but are these parents likely to accept that invitation? Probably not. But at least you would know not to waste any more time or energy on them. Unless there is something else going on that you don’t know about, they are just shit heads.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 10/10/2019 19:35

JUST ASK THE PARENTS WHY YOUR CHILD WASNT INVITED
I really don't get why you just don't bloody ask them instead of imagining all the reasons why they haven't??

Maybe he is a right little so and so at school and maybe he has upset a few kids but you won't actually know the truth of it until you ask?????

Original poster
5adhdparty · 10/10/2019 20:09

I did last year Sunni unfortunately at the moment I don’t really have time! My full time course really is full time (today was my first day off in 5 weeks and that was only because my lecture was cancelled) and I commute so it’s very time consuming :(

Thanks Paddington. It’s shit but I guess we’ll just have to deal with it. I did mention it to teacher in his home-school book but no comments back since. Funny because the school was supporting world mental health day today and everyone had to wear yellow, in the assembly they specifically talked about including people. Agree about handing invites out in class. Mum wasn’t handing them out at home time, they actually came out of class with them so they’d obviously been given out in there.

I’m not imagining reasons dream.. the only time I have speculated as to why is because someone asked me what do I think. He IS a right little so and so at school... and all the time... but did you miss the part where it’s due to a medical condition/disability which means I actually have regular meetings with senco and class teacher so I’m fully aware of what’s going on and go out of my way to know if there’s been an issue? Bloody hell I’m probably the most involved parent there is! I’d know if there was an issue between my child and another specifically! The mum wasn’t there today at pick up so I couldn’t ask her, presumably child went to after school club. Ask them expecting what answer exactly? What answer would make us actually feel better? The crux of it is he is the only one who has been excluded (for whatever reason) and that is fucking awful to a 5yo.

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