5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

I Think when it comes down to it the birthday child’s feelings come first. If your child is known for bad behaviour I can see why he would be excluded, who wants their child’s (usually expensive) party ruining by 1 child. Alternatively your child might be unkind towards birthday child and you are unaware.

Our daughter is at nursery and there is one girl who is already getting a reputation, our daughter comes home upset most days by this girl’s actions. It sounds petty but why would I want to invite someone I know our daughter doesn’t like? She 100% will not be getting an invite to her birthday party in a few months, my child’s feelings are far more important to me, harsh but it’s probably how most parents feel.

NC'd for this as it's outing, but this happened to my DS in his last few years of primary with three other kids - very small rural school, so one teacher for three or four year groups. Every boy in several year groups had been invited but him. I was annoyed but put it down to them and him not being particular friends.

DS has ASD,and ADD. He can be fidgety, and daydreamy, but doesn't tend to be any more disruptive than any other child. So, he's sitting daydreaming (when he really should have been working), and one of the party kids punches him in the testicles. DD (different year, same class) sees and goes ape. She tells me when they get home.

I rang the school to discuss how extremely inappropriate this was, and the teacher told me that sometimes DS can distract party kid when he moves, and that party kid notices when DS isn't doing his work and is staring out the window or something instead. Like this was some sort of valid reason.

I calmly lost it. I said that if they were a few years older, I wouldn't be phoning the school to discuss this, I'd be phoning the police and making a complaint for assault. I asked where the teacher was, and why the teacher was relying on another child to violently monitor my kid's behaviour, and that as they didn't seem to be taking my concern seriously, I had no problem at all standing outside the local shop and airing my feelings to anyone and everyone who came into it.

I then said about the birthday parties, and asked why especially in a such a small school, they didn't have an 'invite all' policy like a nearby primary. The other school policy is invite everyone, or invite 10, but invites don't come into school grounds, and the 10 are not to talk about the party afterwards.

Very long, but I guess my point is, excluding just one child is bullying, and if the kids are allowed to do that, what's to stop the bullying from escalating?

OP, I think I'd talk to the school, and see if they have a policy on birthday parties, and the parents in case it was just an oversight.

Well said Longlongsummer.

@Longlongsummer - you're seriously equating a five year old with adhd to violent neighbours or 'alcoholic Dave'?

FFS. I really hope you never have a child with a disability.

That sounds awful.

Tbh I don't really "get" full class parties.

Well, they're not a thing here anyway.

I wonder how the invitations were worded.

In effect, each child could have invited half of the class.

The responses on this make me sad. My DP had ADHD as a child (still does) and hes the loveliest, most wonderful person I know. Yes he struggles to focus and gets distracted, and he gets upset when overwhelmed with noise etc, and I am sure as a child that was much more prominent than my experience of him now given his coping mechanisms are better now, but he is so deserving of being involved in social occasions and better company than many others I know. I hate to think that as a child, when he was already struggling with an awful home life, he may have been subject to this sort of exclusion. I am one of the all or a smaller number school of thought - never leave just one child out.

I think it's apalling too. I mean obviously if it's all over FB you're going to see it too. It's discriminating, bullying, segregating behaviour towards a child. I had ADHD as a child (not as well known as it is today) and had the same treatment from the teachers. Punished constantly and labelled "the naughty, disruptive one".

My 3yo child has additional health needs meaning he's still in nappies (and will be for some time), and I'd definitely go all out demanding an explanation and explaining how much something like this would affect him. I'd also offer to come along next time to 'help' if people were so worried about this. He's been invited to the class parties now, as a 3yo in nappies isn't so rare, but 4yo in nappies? Yeah I can see it happening in this case.

How many of people posting here never exclude in their own lives? I bet you anything every single one here does not hang about with the violent family down the way, or the person at work that is nasty to others. Or alcoholic Dave who is homeless too. We don’t have them in for dinner. We have quite tight social networks usually that are politically like us, think like us, have the same views and same class, often the same race

How the can you compare this with disabled children? are you saying a child with ADHD is the same as an alcoholic adult?

To leave one child out of 30 is mean, end of.

Note to people thinking of using analogies on Numsnet: don't do it. They fly way over most people's heads. Way too confusing / complex for their brains.

The parties where only one usually disables child is excluded is roaringly loud that it has come from the parents. The ADULTS. They like a bit of petty payback.

If my kid, immature and needing guiding like all kids wanted to exclude one kid because of X,y,z. I would use that as a teaching moment and tell him he can't exclude just one as how would he like that. He would get a smaller choice for guests instead.

It's not hard and adults need to not infect their kids with their petty ingrained thoughts.

I'd definitely go all out demanding an explanation and explaining how much something like this would affect him. I'd also offer to come along next time to 'help' if people were so worried about this.

I know that this really is an emotive subject, but how can you demand an explanation? They don't have to give one if they don't want to. I think if you went in "guns blazing", there wouldn't be a next time.

OP, as a parent of a Yr 6 ADHD, presume you won't get invites for your kid. My DS is never violent, just doesn't make social friends easily, and has only been invited to 2 parties ever since the start of Year 2.

Get off Facebook and focus on getting your DC friends outside of school in sports clubs (archery, martial arts etc. good for ADHD kids, less good with team games) and presume you won't get school invites. It makes life cheaper because you don't have to invite their kids to your child's parties either

I don't understand how only having smaller parties help - the kid with ASD/ADHD still gets excluded from all the parties.
My DD invited a disruptive-in-class girl to her party in one of the later years of primary school - the girl was so excited as she'd never been to a birthday party before.

No I wouldn’t exclude one child.

However I also do not think we can tell our kids to never exclude, when
A) we do this ourselves, all the time.
B) there are good reasons to have a certain amount of boundaries.

Kids form friendships. Kids hang around with some kids and not others. This happens both within and outside of events like parties. I guess it’s our job to show them the difference between boundaries and discrimination. And it’s quite tricky. I personally do not feel that just because you have labelled something a disability then that excuses harmful behaviour with others. I think that is damaging both to kids and those with the disability.

5 year olds can and do have quite clear opinions on other kids.

I just despair sometimes of the whole black and white attitude to inclusion. All in. Or all out. It doesn’t work like that, and in our own lives we know this and do this every single second of the day. We exclude. We include.

Leaving out one child is just wrong.

The education of our children does not end when they step out of the classroom. As parents our job is help children understand why other kids might be different to them and to provide the context in which they can become caring, inclusive & tolerant.

Get off Facebook and focus on getting your DC friends outside of school in sports clubs (archery, martial arts etc. good for ADHD kids, less good with team games this is a great suggestion.

Also to say my kid has ADHD and he did get invited to parties, however I had to work with him, at home, to help him regulate and realize those things that impacted other people. He will always be a real fidgety all over the place boy but that can be fun too at times! And I worked with th school who sometimes veered towards discounting him, and I worked with other parents and set up play dates etc.

This is awful and its happened to my son. He doesn't have adhd but is painfully shy and very quiet. I spoke to the school and they were horrified to realise what had happened. They then changed the policy that unless it was an all class invite, no invites were allowed to be given out in school time. I think it made the point that exclusion was bullying and the school took it seriously. Have a word with your class teacher about this. You may well find out that not every child was invited. Once you are past year 1 this stops being a thing anyway. The class parties die a death as nobody has the time or money to keep at it. Hang tight and be dignified.

Our daughter is at nursery and there is one girl who is already getting a reputation, our daughter comes home upset most days by this girl’s actions. It sounds petty but why would I want to invite someone I know our daughter doesn’t like? She 100% will not be getting an invite to her birthday party in a few months, my child’s feelings are far more important to me, harsh but it’s probably how most parents feel

I think this is different because it's child-led. Your dd is saying this girl upsets her.

The problem comes when the parents (usually mums) get together and gossip and they decide that they are not inviting a particular child, even though their own child hasn't said anything negative about them.

I think it's cruel as well.

Also, sometimes the parents' perception of the child who is likely to cause trouble is wrong. There is a boy in my DS's class who is rumoured to cause problems, these rumours are discussed by parents and, now that they are 5yo, by DCs, so he's already labelled as problematic. And yet at DS's parties he's been very well behaved while other children have caused serious problems that their parents entirely overlook.

There is NO excuse for inviting the whole class and not one child, that's appalling! If the parents had legitimate concerns (they can't as op has started her son isn't violent or mean) they could speak to op or the class teacher. They could write on the invite that all parents need to stay (I've done this a few times), they could invite a smaller number so it doesn't look obvious that just one child was left out. If it were me I would approach the parents to double check I'd not missed the invite. If he wasn't invited I'd (definitely say something!) and tell my son that he was invited but Mummy forgot. A white lie to save his feelings. As a mother of SEND kids it is hard, we've had lots of parties that we've not been invited too but thankfully no one in our community is mean enough to have a whole class party and leave one out! I couldn't read all the posts about how it affects the class ect, these posters have absolutely no idea the difficulties children and parents with additional needs face. It's NEVER okay to exclude a child like this, there were so many other options. Big hugs OP xxxxx

No one is disputing that children have particular friends. It does seem rather unlikely though that the birthday children are special friends with every single child in the class expect for the OP's child. Who just happens to have adhd.

We have two kids in my son’s class with additional needs. Both can be lively and challenging sometimes and they have been invited to every while class party and so they should. It’s either a small party or everyone - only arseholes don’t know that.