5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

I'm so sorry op, it cuts deeply when your child or indeed any child is excluded. When my daughter was in year 2 she invited the "naughty" boy to her party. The mum approached me with the invite and was very emotional because this was her son's first ever birthday invite. He was well behaved and polite, my daughter could see he was nice but just very boisterous at school. I'm just not sure how I'd handle it if it were my child. I think if I was on good terms with the mum I'd slip it in, poor son was pretty gutted to be the only one not invited to a class party, I'm willing to stay at parties to keep an eye on him. Open up the subject.

just one child with ADHD can have a MASSIVE impact on the rest of the class. Classmates can suffer violent outbursts, constant shouting out/disruptive behaviour, verbal abuse, lack of support from their teacher (who is CONSTANTLY dealing with said child) etc

exactly

Blame the system that does not provide enough staff, and leave a teacher deal with 30 kids, including 1 or 2 more challenging ones. Not all teachers have a full time TA! It's outrageous, but that's what it is in state schools.

I don't care if people call that attitude "shitty", but if one of mine comes home constantly upset because of 1 child, I would never ever push them to invite that child.

I am all for pushing the one they don't really get on, don't play with much, don't talk with much, that's fine. If my kid suffer because of one child, then my child comes first. Why would it be up to MY kid to be understanding, make efforts, put up with everything and not the other one?

Basically, if it feels like my kid is being bullied or hurt or upset, then the one responsible is not welcome. People who pretend they would welcome anyone are just hypocritical, or have their priorities very wrong.

I think I would agree with keeping him out of school today if that was possible.

Is there any of the other mums that you are close to that you could ask if they knew the reason he wasn't invite or had it being discussed?

@HotChocWithCream I'm autistic and I completely understand that you are not saying the little boy should have been excluded.

"@HotChocWithCream. So you’re a Teacher who thinks bullying is okay. I find that very very worrying. I’m sorry but It’s how I’m reading it."

@awlookatmybabyspider..... she hasnt said that at all. Where has she said that?

I just wanted to say I have had the most horrendous year with my daughter at school..she is 7.She has no additional needs nor does anyone in her class.The thing I found so hard was that the kids have no idea how to be kind,how to play or how to be inclusive.I know this is not helping your post OP and I am sorry to derail but it doesnt matter what we adults teach at home regarding kindness,constructive play and making friendships and being inclusive it is simply not followed u at school.I genuinely think we need to make time in the curriculum to engage all children on just how to be nice.On just how to be a good friend to everyone and how to stop being mean.I know its all a developmental curve with different children being at different stages on their development but I really feel this is a priority we should look at.I am not blaming teachers here at all ,heavens above we know how much they do with few precious minutes allocated to their seemingly never ending demands from ofsted etc but I just think its vital.Its what children need to know and be taught both at home and in school.I feel.I am sorry you are so upset OP I have no solutions to offer to make you feel better about how upset you are.

Note to people thinking of using analogies on Numsnet: don't do it. They fly way over most people's heads. Way too confusing / complex for their brains

Heh, only if they're stupid.

@anyonecanseeyou

Your child is part of society and only special to you, it’s our job to teach our children to be part of society. A part of this is teaching our kids to be accepting of disabled people and how their brains work.

Leaving one child out of a whole class party is completely shitty, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to speak to the child’s parent and ask them to stay and maybe offer a coffee and a chat.

Just as a side note adhd is very common in premature babies and kiddos who have suffered an injury to the brain (James Cracknell for example) my son was an extremely sick premature baby who had a lack of blood flow to the brain and has been left with ADHD (inattentive) and dyslexia . So the next time you see those cute miracle babies that have survived against the odds and and that child at school who is suffering maybe have a think about what that family may have already been through.

The thing I found so hard was that the kids have no idea how to be kind,how to play or how to be inclusive.

that's just bad luck - I mean about being the class with such kids, not being sarcastic.

I have only experienced the complete opposite: that young kids are all welcoming, start "making friends" with random kids anywhere, help each other, try to hug or hold hand with one who is crying, help them when they fall down and so on. Most kids are naturally very nice. They are still kids, they still squabble, but unless they are suddenly faced with something bigger than them, they are inclusive.

In general, they only seem to start avoiding the ones that hurt them or scare them. What is hard is to teach them to stand up for themselves, and don't be a push over without over-reacting.

So if a young child refuses to invite someone who they feel is consistently "mean to them", then it's fine by me.

Hot choc - of course you are entitled to your opinion. I have no idea why People insinuated you weren’t, regardless of your credentials. Most of us post stuff with zero expertise in the field addressed.

OP, come off Facebook, therein lies only madness. I have two children with no additional needs but I’ve never gone on it because I know it would send me mad.

Secondly, in my experience, 5 year olds don’t come into class taking about the previous days activities, they jus don’t. Even my 9 year old doesn’t do this - new day, new outlook. Kids tend not to loo back esp at 5. So...I suspect this is your (understandable) issue, not your son’s. Even if he has noticed, say what we all say to kids - yo can’t get invited to everything. He doesn’t need to know everyone else was invited. So shelter him from that and don’t act like it’s a Biggy. He’ll take his lead from you on that.

I am on the fence here. I had two children in a class who were eventually moved to special schools. One was violent, one wasn’t. They took up equal time, and made things difficult for the other kids through not fault of their own. Personally, I wouldn’t exclude one person whatever the reason, but I can see why some people would respect their child’s view if they said they didn’t want a child at their party. Parties don’t have to be PC, they are a child’s celebration.

I totally get why you’re sad, I really do. But this will only get worse as he ge4s older so you reaally do need to get a handle on it now and learn how to deal with the emotion of it. Coming off Facebook is definitely job 1.

I’m usually a ‘you can invite and not invite who you want’ advocate, however the more I read your post the more I felt so incredibly sorry for you and your son. What an awful, awful thing to do. I think I would have to tactfully bring up how crushing it was for him to be the only child not to be invited. I don’t know how I would do it though. It was a really shitty thing for them to do. I hope your son is ok today

Ahh loads of replies overnight I’ll try to get through them. A mixed bag I guess. I’ll address some of the posts directly. I appreciate all of the input however brutal.

This really isn’t about my son not being friends with the children. It’s the fact that he has been singled out. As he’s been to numerous parties and never ‘ruined’ any, I just think it’s very unfair. I always stay with him unless they explicitly tell me to go but at this age that’s not many parties for any of the kids. Other than knowing he has adhd which they wouldn’t know unless I had told them, they probably wouldn’t even know much of what goes on at school. I know this parent and she is meticulously organised so I can also be sure she would have chased up especially given we only spoke a few days ago. When we pick up from school one of the boys who had this joint party in particular runs around with my son a lot. They ply together a lot and this has been mentioned by the teacher. So it would be very odd if my son suddenly went from being a very good friend of this boy to hurting him/being nasty. My son has many faults but he isn’t a mean or violent person as he has been on the receiving end of it. If any of the children had experienced this I’d like the parent to bring it to me if it seemed I was unaware. I’d much rather they tell me and explain that than deliberately exclude him.

To HotChoc. I’m very aware of the behaviour since I’ve been struggling with it a lot longer than they have. As I mentioned above - my sons behaviour doesn’t involve violence towards any other children and as far as I’m aware he’s never shouted in any of the other children’s faces. We are trying to get funding for a 1-1 so that they can sit with him and its hopefully then not as big a disruption but it looks unlikely. This is a big issue but as they won’t provide it then what am I expected to do? I’m sure as a teacher you know how dire the funding for things like this is.

On the back of that, longlongsummer - I haven’t attacked the parent in any way whatsoever. I just feel sad for my son. As I’ve already mentioned we also did have a party this year and everyone was invited. I’m not sure why you think I haven’t acknowledged the behaviour or impact. I have explained how he acts in class and said I’m aware it’s disruptive and that he is perceived as naughty by other children. We have a lot in place and are pushing for more but I’m not there, obviously.

To another pp that asked, we are looking into medication. Doctors are extremely reluctant due to his age which I suppose is understandable but I’ve also heard good things about it so would be willing to try it if they would

My son is nothing like some of the violent children you are describing. It certainly is disablist to assume all children with adhd are the same.

RicStar I thought that exact thing regarding attendance. But it really was all of them. Perhaps it was arranged a long time ago so that everyone could go? It was also a Sunday so perhaps no clubs? I’m not sure. Not even sure if handouts were given out at school given we didn’t receive one.

To those mentioning hobbies: He’s already in a martial arts club, obviously it’s not full on yet but it has helped him a bit. I am a full time student and I commute an hour each way so I have very little spare time. He goes to the before/after school club where he has made a few friends. He really enjoys it there. None of those make a difference to his energy though

I’m going to do as posters suggest and find something special for us to do this week when I’m getting him from school. I’m not sure what yet but he will be happy. I’ve also written a little note in his book explaining the situation a bit. I don’t expect the teacher to get involved at all but if he’s affected today she should know. Couldn’t keep him off today I’m afraid as at uni.

I really don’t know how to broach asking the mums without being rude. I also don’t want to be that entitled parent. If it has happened how I suspect then what can they possibly say that will make me feel better rather than worse?

Hope I haven't missed anything important!

But user her son will only know if she tells him? There is no way he could know otherwise that he was the only one not invited.

I am a habitual party worrier with one child who often doesn’t make the cut. Over the years I have realised that this is my issue and rarely hers. Sometimes she doesn’t even know the parties have happened. If she does, I say ‘you can’t get invited to everything’. We don’t make an issue out of it. That’s the way to handle it, not to feed the beast. Feel awful by all means, but protect your child from it.

Also.. I'm 22. Never gonna come off Facebook but I probably will limit my page a bit more to my actual friends and family. You're right, I don't need to be seeing things like this.

I actually think it upsets parents more than children when we see them left out. It’s horrible.
I was teaching my own dd in my year 1 class & she was the only child not invited to a party. I watched the invites go out & heard them talk about the party. It’s so rude & hurtful.

I am guessing, reading some of the threads, that sometimes it's actually the parents who are excluded, more than the child himself (not saying it's the case here).

My 6 year old is a quirky boy who was assessed for autism when he was 3 and discharged before he was 4 we were told he has traits but at the time it wasn't causing him enough problems to diagnose. He struggles more now. He is in year 2 and has only just been to his first ever party. Which turned out to be too overwhelming for him once he was actually there but we stayed and made the best of it. What was really upsetting was earlier this year some other mums who I have always chatted to and know quite well, arranged a get together for the whole class at a trampoline park, my ds was not invited. I was asked by some other mums if we had been asked and I felt so awful. I messaged one of the organisers on WhatsApp just to say is there something arranged for xxxx at the weekend? She read the message and didn't reply, at all. Felt like such an idiot. They chat to me now like nothing happened! My ds is not disruptive or naughty, he's more shy and awkward. Breaks my heart any child being left out.

I haven't read the full thread op but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug, I would be crushed by this.
I do think your son may not even realize, at this age, once something is finished, the kids don't talk it over.
In your shoes, I would consider inviting children over to your house to play with their mums, if you think your son could cope with this? Try laying the foundation for friendships in that way.
I really am sorry you're experiencing this, it is truly awful when we see our children being left out

No, No, No. Never acceptable.
To all those parents making excuses. Just imagine for a minute if it was your child.
Please. Just imagine. Your child feeling hurt and rejected AGAIN and AGAIN. Parents of SN kids have this time, and time again. Having to watch our kids suffer. I’ve had to watch my boy sob so hard he could barely breathe because “friends” discarded him because he acted “like a kid” (at 5 yrs) and wasn’t cool. He held both my hands, looked right into my eyes and BEGGED me to “get his friend back”. He BEGGED me to tell him what to do, to ask his friend what he had to do.... He is 14 now and I will NEVER get that out of my head, NEVER feel so much despair that I couldn’t do ANYTHING to make it better for my child.
As for “resilience”. Well, by 11, my boy was so resilient that he went from being a social friendly happy child to sparing himself the pain. He withdrew from other children, he gave up. That’s what he learnt. Teachers went from “well, we can’t MAKE the other kids play with him” to “Well, he’s happier on his own”. I cried many times from frustration, anger despair and grief. But not as much as my son did. Not on the outside anymore though.

To all those parents with neurotypical children, yours could have had the same problems. This could be your kid. I know most subconsciously think no, my kid would never have ASD or ADHD, because maybe we’ve all done something wrong with our kids or pregnancies. Well we haven’t. It could be YOUR child.

I have had “normal” kids running feral through my house and garden and being far more demanding and badly behaved than the ADHD/ASD kids. I have also had my Ds telling me not to invite a child with ASD issues much worse than his own. I told him clearly that we were going to invite that child because it was the right and kind thing to do. I invited that child to tea as well and eventually he became a close friend of my DS.

Kids who are different can teach your “normal” kids stuff. Like valuing difference, being kind and decent. They often have a different perspective on the world. You can teach your DCs too. That a 4 or 5 yr old being considered “naughty” because they can’t sit still and quietly is NOT right. Their brains may simply not be ready or able to cope with that.

My DD and her friends were once slightly making fun of my DS. I took her into another room and asked her “Would you be unkind to, or make fun of someone in a wheelchair?” She was suitably chastened. So, I ask the same question of all you parents. Would you not invite a child in a wheelchair to your child’s party? After all that might be inconvenient too, getting through doorways, managing the loo etc. It’s exactly the same. My DS has ASD. There are physical differences in his brain. He cannot help that he is different. But he can feel pain and rejection like any child.

And please don’t approach the parents, that would be totally inappropriate. Yo have to deal with the circumstances but you cant change them .

And it isn about whether a child is mean or shouts. It’s about how the party child feels about their company. There is a child i know who isn’t mean as such and doesn’t Shout but can’t sit still, is manic, and is just exhausting to be around. He monopolises children, doesn’t respect their space, repeats himself constantly, interrupts, and is physically all over the shop. I find him very difficult to deal with as an adult. Neither of my children like being around him, they are wary at best and a little frightened/intimidated at worst. I don’t know his diagnosis, and I do tell them about understanding others differences, but I wouldn’t say they had to invite him to their party.

It’s a very tough thing op and I’m not minimising your pain. He’s your son and You feel his exclusion like a flesh wound. But you won’t change people’s reaction to your son, so you have to change your own approach.

There is a boy in DD's class who has significant additional needs and can be disruptive when overwhelmed/in noisy environments. Her last birthday party was a whole class affair so I asked his mum if she wanted to bring him along before the party actually began so he could play with DD and DS (who he loves playing with) on his own, have some party food and get his party bag. She was so happy to do this and he managed to stay around 30mins when the party officially began then she took him home.

I appreciate this kind of thing isn't always a viable option but there are ways and means of being inclusive.

OP, hopefully the 5 year olds will not be talking about the party at school the next day and your DS will not realise he was left out. My 6 year old rarely mentions parties she attends over a weekend as the memory is quickly overtaken by the here and now of whatever she is doing when back at school.

I also echo a PP - please stay off Facebook or at the very lease unfriend school mum 'friends'.

Btw, really don't understand why people are upset with @HotChocWithCream. He/she is a teacher and is presumably writing based on actual experience. This may not be palatable to some but it is what it is.

I haven't expressed this sadness to my son nor will I. I wouldn't want him to be influenced if he doesn't realise or it isn't mentioned so I'm not sure what you mean about me changing my approach. As I said, I have no idea how to mention it to the parents, I most likely won't say anything.

It is shit of them to leave out one child. Parties can be hell, there is plenty of evidence on this site that parents find them difficult at any time, so I can understand if parents don't feel equipped to deal with a very troublesome child when there is so much else to attend to. It's understandable that they don't want their child's special day to be spoiled. This isn't the case here though, your son hasn't caused problems at other parties, and you are willing to supervise him. It's just shit. My DD was always excluded at school, particularly at post primary, it was fucking heartbreaking. She doesn't have any disabilities or behavioural problems, she is just a little socially awkward. At college now and she is doing much better. You definitely do need to play this down with your son, and not let him see that it has upset you. Teach him resilience and teach him to be kind and give him lots of opportunities to make friends, other than that I think it's out of your hands for the most part.

Op I mean you have to try to manage the pain you feel from it. I say this from experience, you can let it overwhelm you or you can give it some credence, for a confined period, and then put it in a box. Don’t let it revisit your thoughts, don ovethink it. Don’t let it take over your day. It’s bloody hard but you literally have to train your brain not to swell on e things you can’t change and concentrate on those things you actually can influence.

I do get this to a lesser degree as my daughter has been excluded from stuff. It used to drive me wild and I’d lose hours to overthinking it, worrying, etc. Now I give it ten minutes, or whatever, to dwell o it and appreciate the pain. Then I work out wha I can positively do. A treat this week is always nice, though don’t link to the party as that draws attention to it, just enjoy the treat. Play dates are good too but don’t obsess about invites back as thererin lies madness too. One sided play dates are in th bst interests of your child so just suck that up.

Don’t say anything to the mums. There is no answer that will appease your pain. Why go there?

And do limit Facebook. Block or hide school mums. Honestly you will feel 100 per cent better not seeing any of this. ignorance in this respect is definitely bliss.

It's never ever acceptable to leave just one kid out. They are still children the adults in this case are arseholes. I rem I never got an rsvp from one mum of a girl in Dd class & I hounded her for it cos I was so paranoid she didn't get it! Turned out the mum just terrible for rsvps (still is but now I now!)